I don't like my 4 year old step daughter :(
Hi guys. This is my first post after stumbling accross this website.
So, my partner has a 4 year old daughter and I just can't seem to bond with her. I have tried and tried again. The weird thing is, she likes me. I just look at her and see a spoilt little brat though and I feel awful for it.
She has no manners what so ever, it's only ever "I want". When I was her age I was taught "I want doesn't get, it's can I and please". It really annoys because despite my efforts to drill some manners into her, we only have her every other weekend so by the time she gets back its gone again. She cries every time she doesn't get what she wants and it can even be as petty as this... She will cry because she wants her drink. Her drink is on the table 2 feet away from her. There's nothing stopping her from getting up and having it. Why is she crying?!?!
Every Friday night she goes to bed just fine and usually pretty good. On Saturdays though it's a different story. It's like the novelty of being with us has worn off and she starts playing up saying she wants to go back to mummy's and she hates sleeping here and it takes ages for us to try and get her down. When she says those things it breaks my partners heart every time because she is the apple of his eye.
Along with that, she snatches things, she's impatient and she expects things to be done for her.
My partner, getting better now with my guidance, used to literally do everything for her. Ask her to put her toys away, she'd put one thing in a box and it would be that slow that he'd done all the rest. In effect, he's cleaned up.
I feel like an evil stepmom and I hate that I don't like her. But she is just a spoiled little brat! I know it's just her aswell because my previous relationship had 2 children and I adored the bones of them! So frustrated Sad
I feel like you have a 3 year
I feel like you have a 3 year younger version of my sd
She is crying for the drink that is in front of her because she has learned helplessness. And it gets worse as they get older to the point where they can't problem solve the simplest thing- they say daddy I am cold as they sit shivering at the table instead of grabbing a jumper. They ask for a drink and sauce instead of pouring themselves. And if your s very independent woman like me, which I suspect you may be, it drives you berserk. It's also really sad to me cause I can see potential for so much more
The manners thing, yeh we have that too. Spoilt at mammy house, come back without manners to yours. Unless you have them more or both ends actually parent and teach manners this won't work. They will be stuck in a loop of mixed messages and you end up the bad guy cause you are the one insisting on manners.
We used to have the 'I want to go to mammy' stuff- if you keep a record for a few weeks you will come to notice that it happens at moments when they want to do something and you are stopping them or when you want them to do something and they don't want too. Show the record to your partner and reassure him that it is nothing to do with him only a manipulation- mammy will be getting the opposite at her end too. We at the time used to say things if this happen at bed time like 'mammy isn't here but we are if you need us' and then continue on with everything - it did get rid of it.
What I am trying to say is that I have done this, three years of this. My partner has two kids, boy older and girl younger, I have never posted anything about him other than to make reference that he was there. I had the same reaction to sd when first met her for the same reasons and I can tell you from experience it doesn't improve- check out my previous forum posts for evidence- the xmas one is a testament to bad manners and the broke disengagement is a testament to learned helplessness and work shyness. THIS WILL BE YOUR LIFE and my partner has them more do changes could potentially have a chance to stick. So you need to decide :
Either stay try to help her and him and hate her
Leave and find someone new
Stay and disengage; go out on the days she is over and minimalise contact with her- you can cite he has such little time and precious one on one time as the answer
It's really up to you. If I knew then what I know now- I prob would have left. As it is I live separately and won't move in
Hope that helps you; wish you luck!!!
I agree with the above
I agree with the above poster. I've been in this for 5 years. Love one of the SKIDS, can't stand the other. He has developmental delays and craps his pants at 10 years old, plus I have to make sure he's never alone with our youngest...
I disliked the kid immediately, and it has only gotten worse. Luckily his brother is an angel, so it makes up for it.
The evil stepmom feelling is very hard to live with. My MIL is very judgemental of me, even though SS10 is grating on everyone, even herself, I'm supposed to be wonderwoman and love him more than his own clan does.
It's very difficult.
No matter what he says, over the years, your BF will probably try to get more time with this kid. And remember, if something happens to BM, you would get this kid full time.
Honey, if this is the way you feel, you're best bet is to get out.
With your influence it can
With your influence it can get better. We had to deal with all this with my partners 6 year old after we lost access for a year. He was spoilt totally by his mum and no manners. However we have slowly slowly changed it all and he is so much better. He hardly even bothers with the 'I want to go back to mums now', as he knows we just ignore it.
It takes gentle work and building the trust up. If she likes you you're off to a good start. Just remember its not the child's fault, she's only responding to her parents. But you are either two feet in or not at all and if you don't like children enough to realise this is a little soul who is learning and Needs to be loved, you may be wasting your time.
Not your child, just do like
Not your child, just do like she is not there. find something to do EOW that you really enjoy and let your partner take care of his little crap.
Your feelings will get worse, you don't need think about her and her problems, EOW is good. Just make sure that keep it that way.
First of all, count your
First of all, count your blessings that she is only there EOW! If I were you, I would get some hobbies to keep you out of the house EOW. I used to work or go to the gym, the library, window shopping, watercolor painting class. ANYTHING to get me out of the house when my SD was there during a time when my DD was not. ESPECIALLY since the dh wouldn't parent his child. My sd would open her smart mouth and spew a load of crap that needed to be corrected, but dh didn't want to make the sd unhappy or she would want to live with her bio mom full time(dh had her 7 days on/7 days off), and then dh might have to pay child support, which he was dead set against. The only time I corrected the sd was the unfortunate times that I was stuck alone with her, but then she would cry to her daaadddyyy when he came home telling him how I YELLED at her. It was such B.S.
Your situation sounds like
Your situation sounds like mine 5 years ago, and it only has gotten worse, i.e. why I searched out a site to vent. Nothing you do is going to shape that child up, no matter what. If your hubby doesn't man up and be the father he is to be, I have no clue what the future looks like. We can give advice, but we really have no clue. I called it at age 5 of what would happen in a few years and sure enough, beyond brat is the word for her. I have never seen a child at the age of 9 (and I had counseled children YEARS ago) be as manipulative and lie as this one. If a teen or adult did what she does, it would be called psychotic/pathological lying. A child does it and we say they are kids.
So all in all, unless hubby steps up, acknowledges and deals with it, it does not get better. I agree with dis-engaging. I thought I could parent her like I did my two sons (successful young men right now), but she is beyond the norm.
I agree with stepmeanie, it is ok not to bond.