"Yes, and SO knew I didn't."

There is also the very reliable "And?" I encourage making these people come right out and say what it is they're really in a wad about. A SM should treat skids like their own? Why? They aren't our own. Are the children being cared for by their parents? Are they being Mistreated by you? Then What exactly is the problem?

If it's simply the principle of you Have to treat them like your own because.... whatever "I reject the premise of that." Or "I guess we'll have to agree to disagree." If it's not family, tell them what you and your husband have decided works for your family is none of their business. If it is his family refer them to him. If it's yours, well, jeez tell them when they love skids like their own you'll work on it? That seems better than mind your own effing business...

I tell them stepmotherhood should come with a warning label because it is, TRULY, hazardous to your health and well-being. Nobody knows that before they marry a man with kids or they'd run screaming in the opposite direction.

Yep. Heard that comment plenty. Not in my own life, thank goodness, as most people who know me know that I am good to the skids and not, generally speaking, an evil person. I even once got a: "Gosh. You must be exhausted. Would you like a glass of wine?" from my MIL when she asked how long the skids had been with us for their summer break and I said: "Ten days, so far." This from a woman who worships and adores her grandkids...but also understands reality. I am so grateful for the understanding and support I have in my step-life.

But that's the number one comment I see on ANY article or blog post about step-parenting that's even slightly negative. You knew what you were getting into. You knew he had kids when you got married. You signed up for this! Some variation of this. And the anger with which it's expressed, too, is always shocking to me. From complete strangers who can't possibly know the whole story...but who somehow feel personally offended and feel the right to judge and call the SM nasty names without knowing any of her backstory. It's terrifying, frankly.

Imagine this kind of comment given any OTHER struggle or hardship you might encounter in life:

Mom: "I'm so tired. New baby hasn't slept more than 3 hours a night for the past week."

Friend: "You knew what you were getting into when you had a baby! Babies don't sleep...everyone knows that!"

Woman: "I just found out my husband has Cancer and I'm really scared about it. I don't know if I can get through this."

Friend: "What?! You knew that Cancer runs in your husband's family when you married him! Suck it up."

Woman: "I was just let go and I'm really nervous and sad about it."

Friend: "Oh please. You knew that sometimes people get downsized when you took this job. Stop begging for sympathy."

See how absurd that response is now?

I don't think I've come across anybody that's had enough guts to say that to me.

I always reply the same thing to that comment, something to the effect that we all go in thinking we can make it work, and that if we try hard enough, we'll make it work.

Unfortunately, the step parent is just one piece of the puzzle and can only do so much.

I think what bothers me the most about the, "You knew he had kids.." line is that it marginalizes the entire experience the person is trying to express.

I guess - what if every woman who struggled with infertility, had a miscarriage, gave birth to a child who didn't survive... or who gave birth to a child with mental or physical defects or to a child who suffered seriously ill health - what if those women were told, "You knew there was a risk this might happen when you decided to try to conceive..."

That's horrible to say, isn't it? It sounds like the women are getting blow-back for talking about how painful and traumatic those experiences can be. It sounds like the people saying those things don't think that pain and grief and change and hurt can be deep-down scary intense emotions that should be acknowledged.

I just sometimes wonder what happened to friendship in the world. People get a smartphone and start taking pictures of their dinners and texting their friends about the bar service... and don't have a conversation with the person across the table from them anymore.

I do think that there are cases where people jump into marriage. Heck, I was one of them. And if you jump into marriage, and you don't know yourself and you don't know your partner, and you don't choose wisely... throw in a couple of difficult skids/BMs and of course you've got a $hitshow. That being said - there are lots of people who are in tough situations they didn't expect to be a reality. I mean, sure - you KNOW when you leave the house you might be hit by a bus. But you don't expect it.

So maybe some of these people in tough situations they didn't expect just need to talk about it to someone who listens and cares. Life can be hard. We can all use a shoulder to lean on. Doesn't *have* to mean that the other person isn't fully capable of carrying their own cross. We just all need a break sometimes.

So that was long-winded, lol. I guess my response would be, "Oh, I misunderstood. I thought you were interested in hearing about my life. But that's ok, we can stick to discussing the weather. It's been cold lately, huh?" And move on to greener pastures for real conversations.

No, I have not had to deal with it. Mainly because my Skid was 15mos old when his mom and I met and started dating. We married the week before he turned 2yo. I raised him as my own. He asked me to adopt him last April a few months before his 23rd birthday. We made that happen.

As for any idiot who would make the statement you are referencing.... idiots. You can't fix em, and you can't shoot em. They can STFU. Who gives a crap what an idiot thinks?

No one knows the future regardless of any decision they make. Shit happens, things change. Adapt and move on. Anyone who askes THE question... is likely not particularly sharp anyway.

IMHO of course.

You can never fully know what you are getting into until you're in it, but you can certainly manage expectations before getting into it. Some people's expectations are unrealistic and it has a lot to do with why they are seemingly miserable, because they ignored the writing on the wall. You have to be honest with your partner and yourself about them and not ignore the signs.

I know SO and I know the things that are important to him now regarding his kids will be just as important to him later. I know all the crazy BM is capable and how it can possibly bleed into our relationship. I don't expect any of this to change and I accept it and can manage it as it is. It was a conscious choice to do so, the other option was getting out and accepting that I couldn't or didn't want to sustain this.

The whole reason I started coming to this site was to put as much forethought into this journey and avoid as many of the common mistakes people make, as possible . Everyone's story is different and complicated, but the point is when you have kids and exes, rarely do the stars ever perfectly align and you have to expect that going in.

That being said, I now can certainly see it as pouring salt on the wound of someone struggling with step life. It's not conducive to helping the situation and it can be hurtful.

I would just say, "yeah i knew he had a kid, but I thought that kid had two mature responsible parents..."

That is exactly what I have been getting or seeing since I joined this site actually. There is this attitude that you knew what you were getting in to. Well my thing is this, I do know to some degree what it is like but as many have already said, you dont always fully understand until u are in that situation. Also, Its not always about some one being surprised about what is happening, sometimes its just about venting or finding like minded people who understand what you are going through. I dont go through my day or my normal life constantly bitching about every grievance that I go through with BM or my SD,but when I want a chance to let it all out on paper than I will go on line and let it out. As for knowing your DH has a crazy or unreasonable ex and a 9 year old that acts 3 yo, you dont always know the full story until you live with someone. Like for me, we are fairly religious and chose not to live together before marriage. I knew all the stories of his ex and i met and spent time with his daughter. It felt like a challenge that I could deal with bc his daughter is very different when you actually live with her. He would always just say "oh she is a bit grouchy today" but I had no idea at the time that a bit grouchy meant she was going to throw a temper tantrum the size of a 2 year olds melt down.

So, while I understand that people think there is no reason to complain bc you knew what it was going to be like, I dont think they always take in to consideration that 1. the person may just need to vent and have someone who understands the situation listen and chat with them and 2. living with someone is very different and yes, the child and the BM DO act differently once you marry their parent/ex.