I prefer to think of it as protecting myself and keeping myself sane rather than feeling dumbed down. I am also a very opinionated person and spent the first couple of years of my relationship telling DH how to handle skids and BM. Every time BM did something stupid (which was/is almost all the time) or skids did something stupid (which is also all the time) I would rant to DH about "you should be doing this, you should be handling it this way, etc." About a year and half ago I realized that I was spending a lot of my time and energy hating BM and the skids and it was not worth it to me or my health or happiness to spend so much time angry and hating. That is when I started to disengage and things have gotten a lot better. I actually slipped a couple of months ago and regretted it. SS and DH were having a conversation about college, which I found hilarious because SS is a horrible student, and I slipped and said that DH dropped out of college to marry BM. That is what happened, and I wasn't trying to sound snarky but SS runs home and tells SD and BM and then DH starts getting texts about how I'm being negative about BM (which I also find funny because there is a slew of much more negative things I would love to say about BM). At which point I reminded myself "I'm done and there is a reason". It's not about dumbing down, it's about setting boundaries and knowing that you are removing yourself for your own emotional health and well being. Stop engaging. Let DH be late for work, let him deal with SD, say as little as possible to SD and don't do anything for her. She is not your responsibility. Focus on your relationship with DH and ignore the rest. It's hard and it takes time and sometimes we slip but you are not dumbed down...you have to set some boundaries in order to keep yourself happy. In fact, I think it's smarter!

Well, I definitely think society expects SMs to dumb-down, so to speak. Pretty much anyone other than a step- expects SMs to just act more like servant girls to DH, BM and SKs vs. acting like their DH’s spouse or SO. We are supposed to make the ultimate sacrifice for someone else's messy business that we had no say or part in. However, OPs make a good point that you have to decide how you are going to respond. That is perhaps how disengaging got invented--want to remain married to DH but don’t want to put up with being treated like a servant from pretty much everyone else.

But, I agree disengaging is tricky and takes time. You have to decide what works best for your situation or what level you want to take it to. Fortunately, there are good examples on these pages and other sites.

There's really nothing you can do to make your SD like you, so why not amuse yourself with her? Call it "dumbed down" or whatever you like. I call it embracing the Wicked Stepmother. Whatever you call it, teach the entitled brat to think twice before she crosses you.

As for that asshole of a husband, maybe it would help him to know that since you had to get yourself and your kids ready while he was busy making his mini-wife's sandwich, for the next month or so you're entirely too tired to have sex. Darn it.

Then bat your eyes and play "dumb." At least you'll be dumb on your own terms.

I can definitely relate to the morning thing.

I get up, take the dog out, start DSOs coffee (I don't drink it), get wood burners going in the winter, get myself ready for work and get Gson and SD up and moving. We are all ready when DSO decides to get off his ass and come down the stairs.

And the electric blanket arggggh. DSO are arguing about bills and money today. SD has a hermit crab, we live where it gets cold in the winter. Crab has to be kept heated. So there is an electric heater running in SDs room 24/7, even when she spend the week at her friends house.

I'm even dumber after reading what I wrote.

So SD is texting BM everything you do in your own house?

HE11 NO!

This started in our family and I nipped that sh!t in the bud. It was like BM was living in our home and keeping tabs on whateve we were doing, completely preventing the SKIDS from engaging with us.

I put an end to that after less than a week. I returned the cell phone to their grandpa, looked at him like a crazy momma grizzley bear and roared "WE DON'T WANT THIS, TAKE IT BACK."

Now that the kids are older, cell phones need to be put away in the box (I have a box with a lock). Either check it or loose it.

Interestingly enough, the SKIDS have no desire to contact BM if she's not contacting them. So it's not been much of a fight... she was mostly nagging them anyway.

You know, it's funny. I've been so angry at SD for quite some time but it reached epic proportions over the weekend. I finally got the "you're not my dad" speech because she didn't want to do what I asked her to do but then 20 min later, she wanted me to buy the ingredients and help her make her mom a Valentines Day special treat. Needless to say, I said NO! Every time she's asked me for something since, I either say no or go ask your mom.

After reading up on disengagement, last night I think I said maybe 20 words to SD other than the typical pleasantries like hello (lol) and how was your day, do you have any homework? It was the testbed for disengagement and I gotta say, it went pretty freaking smooth. There was no fight, no argument no anger coming out of me. I think the sinus meds and wine helped(lmao) numb me as well. I just sat there and played with my kids.

Her evening chores and everything else fell on her mom. I loved it! I can't say DW enjoyed it lol, I could tell even she wasn't in the mood for her.

Anyway, try to take a step back, you can't do everything and honestly, as long as you are, no one else will. Just tend to your DD's and observe everything else. You might get a good laugh in. I know I did.

I agree...The best thing I ever did was read about disengaging from Skids about 2 years ago. It can still be challenging at times to keep your mouth shut, but I have a little song that I sing to myself, basically the song is Not my Child, Not my Problem! Corny and stupid, I know, but hey it works for me. I even had a shirt made up that said Not my Child, Therefore no Reflection on Me Please!!! I wore it years ago when he could careless about how she looked, smelled or behaved in public places, as I had newly disengaged and he had no clue. I was called mean for that one, but it was either not go to my own family reunion or make sure that the ones that didn't know me as well as others Knew that I was not responsible for SD. And as mean as that may sound to some, it did make DH open his eyes. All the children there were well dressed and had manners, and his looked like she slept in her clothes for weeks and while sleeping slept on the streets, homeless. It was pitiful, but I was determined to disengage completely and it saved my sanity.