Sorry...this is a long one...

So, it's been a while. I haven't had a chance to breathe let alone a chance to vent since I've last been here...

I feel bad because I don't know how much anyone remembers, and how much I should recap....but I'll try to consolidate as best as possible:

DH and I married 5 years, together 7. DH in remission from lymphoma, diagnosed July 2015, over by November. DH also suffers psoriatic arthritis, leaving him incapacitated most mornings.
BM: left DH and both kids almost 10 years ago. Remarried, and had a baby with the man she cheated on DH with. Been in custody battles with us the past 5 years. Is still ridiculously mean, and can't get over whatever she thinks has happened between us(that hasn't actually happened), despite the fact that I've been nothing but nice to her all these years.
SS13: Has been having problems with BM and school. Refused to stay overnight at her house anymore, and has been living with us full time from April-August, then BM forced him back with police, then he contacted his law guardian and made it official that he's staying with us as of November. His behavior at school was atrocious, and they had him moved to an out-of-district special needs school for his emotional problems. Oppositional problems and refusal to do any work, fails state tests on purpose because he knows it will make the school look bad. He locks himself in his room, sleeps when he wants, sneaks electronics when he isn't supposed to have them, respects no boundaries, and blames everyone for the parts of his situations he's not happy about. We have him in therapy, and are awaiting response on a SPOA for extra support to get him to school...which he's been refusing to go. He started cutting his arm a month and a half ago, and seems he's been continuing to aggravate already made wounds. He's threatened suicide, but not specific means. He's also been having visual and auditory hallucinations. Two days ago, when he refused to answer, unlock his door or go to school, I found an airsoft rifle in his backpack, which DH and I knew nothing about. Apparently BM's father gave it to him for Xmas. We had discussed holding off on him getting one due to all this other stuff going on. I was concerned he brought the gun to his old school. Then, under his back pack I found a plastic bag, with empty bottles in it...pepsi and vodka. DH and I don't drink hard liquor very often, so I checked where we keep our hard liqour and found 4 other empty bottles. The therapist said to bring SS13 to the hospital. We had done an intake for another hospital, but have been waiting for a bed to free up, but clearly he needs help now.

BM has had little to do with any of this. She's supposed to call SS13 daily, and does not. She takes him two days a week for 3-5 hours at a time, and that's it. DH told her about the hospital intake, and got her in contact with SS13's therapist and social workers. So, yesterday, she comes to help check him in the hospital, and tries to have me removed. DH had a fever, sweats, chills, and thought he was going to throw up. I have been heavily involved with taking care of SS13, because DH has not been physically able. BM isn't mentally capable, otherwise I would have refused to do this, and sent him right back, but with all the support involved, (therapists, legal, educational) all agree I should be taking care of him. So, BM throws a huge fit in the hospital...making it very clear to hospital staff she's not mentally stable either. After they won't kick me out, she insists she needs her husband there to support her (despite the fact that about a month ago she was asking DH to take her back)...

So the social worker looked at DH and said he needs to go home because he's sick, and I can stay as a primary caregiver to SS, and as a surrogate to DH. She said BM can stay too, but only 2 parents, because more than that is too much for the ward. Fair enough.
I spent 10 hours in a room with SS13 and BM. Super fun.

We had more pleasant exchanges than not. The two of them sat and badmouthed her SS and his mom, and how messed up they are...and I was laughing to myself at the irony of where we were.
Then when SS13 started picking at his wounds with a plastic spoon, I told him to stop, and BM scolded me for "micromanaging" him right in front of him. Meanwhile, she took every order he gave her. So it became really clear to me why he has a boundary problem. She takes orders from him, and scolds everyone who tries to exert authority. Therefore, he controls her, and she controls everyone else, he doesn't have to answer to anyone.

Once it was all done, I told BM I thought she was very brave for getting SS this kind of help. I hugged her and told her I could wait till they moved him to his new room (when he found out he wasn't leaving he started swearing at her and screaming to the point where she was going to cry, I got help from the nurses to calm him down) I told her one of us should stay until he's placed in the ward, I just wanted to give her the choice since she had to get SS10 to school in about 6 hours. She mentioned she didn't have a car there, but she was okay to stay with SS13. I offered to hang out in the waiting room to give her a ride home if she needed it, if that would make her more comfortable. She said she could probably take a cab. She started crying and tried to rehash all the shit of the custody battle, and told me she wasn't trying to have me removed. (Which I know isn't true because I saw her freaking text messages to DH)...but I wasn't about to get into with her there, so I just took it in, and played listener, and told her I just want to stay focused on SS13, and working together with her.

So we're home, and hoping things would calm down a little bit. They're going to keep SS13 for 7 days. He was very upset at first, but they are adjusting medications for him, and he called DH last night before bed and told him that he's happy and he thinks this was the right decision. Clearly they gave him a super-happy drug.

So why vent now? BM is still telling DH only they should be visiting SS13. DH is severely depressed because SS13 is in there...when he knows it was necessary, and the alternative could leave him committing suicide... when we should be trying to relax and getting our mental strength up to prepare for SS13's return... I just don't know how much more of this I can take. We have 3 other kids in our house to consider too! I feel like such a bitch for not being more compassionate, but I feel with the past year of non-stop horrible awfulness, I've been calloused over to anything, and I'm emotional auto-pilot right now. But I feel like I'm the one that has to keep all this together, and he's not my kid. I go between wanting to help, and resenting the entire way this is folding out.