Please give thoughts on this situation
We swapped a day with BM this week on her request and so she kept SS7 Thursday night and got him off to school yesterday morning. Yesterday afternoon he came home from school in a grumpy mood and in the course of talking to him he said kids made fun of him in the morning and his teacher griped at him about his pants and made him go take them off in the bathroom and put them back on. I asked him what was wrong with his pants and he said I don't know.
This was a little concerning to DH and I that he was sent to remove his pants for whatever reason so DH text BM asking if everything was normal with the clothes SS7 wore when he left for school. BM replied that he went to school with his jeans on inside out and backwards bc he was being whiny and difficult in the morning and arguing/playing dumb over how his pants were supposed to be, so she said fine go like that and see what happens.
So DH got pissed at BM about it and spent a good part of last night ranting about how much of a bad, lazy parent she is (not in front of the kids of course). The way DH would have handled it would have been very different. To be honest, SS7 would not pull that crap with DH to begin with bc the kids know that dad means business.
I can see both viewpoints (I'm not opposed to kids having to learn a lesson the hard way) although I would never let him go to school like that bc not only does the teacher them have to deal with child's clothing but it also leaves the teacher thinking "geez is anyone supervising this kid in the morning?" SS7 is in first grade and my BD is also in 1st grade at the same school, I almost want to email SS7's teacher (who I am on the room parent team for and have talked to many times) and say "hey just so you know that was BM who let him go to school like that."
Good for mom. I bet his
Good for mom. I bet his little butt won't pull that stunt again.LOL
Agree! She taught him a life
Agree! She taught him a life lesson.
And, OP, your DH behaved like a complete d*ick. Dissing the other parent in front of the kids is a no-no in any case, but this time, the BM was quite right to do what she did.
It would not bother me,
It would not bother me, personally, and I wouldn't make a mountain out of a molehill regarding how BM allows her child to go to school. She probably was done with arguing and his "playing dumb".
Teachers see many, many kids throughout their career. Inside out, backwards pants aren't cause for alarm, generally. Most likely just chalked-up to age even. I realize you probably feel a little secondhand embarrassment for the child, but there's no need to rush to explain anything to anyone at the school. I'm sure if the teacher was that concerned about his well-being or home life, teacher would have initiated contact.
I typically get SS7 off to
I typically get SS7 off to school in the mornings (DH leaves much earlier for work and I'm fine with taking care of SS) and I know very well that he can be a moody little brat in the morning, I've experienced it many times. I am able to shut it down by threatening and sometimes following through with putting his father on the phone but I understand BM would not use the same tactic.
If DH was the one getting SS to school in the morning and SS came out of the bedroom with his pants on inside out DH would say, "your pants are on inside out, go fix them," SS would just do it. SS doesn't argue and whine for more than a few seconds with DH bc he casts an authority that I haven't managed to emulate, even though I've tried.
I disagree with BM. Why shame
I disagree with BM. Why shame the child?
He's in first grade. Some kids still take naps after school at that age. Perhaps he was overtired, befuzzled, hungry, whatever ... lots of reasons to be "dumb and whiny ..."
Oh wow, 1st grade is pretty
Oh wow, 1st grade is pretty young.
The key here for me is that
The key here for me is that he was able to do it himself. If all the teacher had to do was tell him to put his pants on right and he went in the bathroom and did it himself with no problems then yeah, he was trying to play mom. Good for her for sending him to school like that. Peer pressure is not always a bad thing.
SS7 didn't tell DH anything,
SS7 didn't tell DH anything, he was still at work for most of this. It went: me noticing SS7 was troubled, asked what's wrong, he said something about his pants, starts crying, I'm trying to draw answers out of him, pants look fine to me, I called DH to see if he knows anything about it, he doesn't but says he will text BM and ask if she knows anything. He calls me later to bitch about BM being a horrible mother bc she let him go to school with backwards and inside out clothes rather than "actually parenting" him. It's on me for not telling DH that SS7 said "I don't know" and couldn't give me an explanation.
I'm cheering for BM. Enough
I'm cheering for BM.
Enough of this molly-coddling infantilizing culture. Kid wants to act a fool? Fine... go to school and be embarrassed. It won't kill him, and I guarantee those pants go on right each morning from now on.
I don't think this classifies
I don't think this classifies as BM being a horrible mother or insinuates she wasn't parenting. Perhaps your DH is jaded, though.
I definitely don't think it's worthy of verbally laying into a 7 year old about - and not saying anyone did...
How would your DH have handled it differently?
I don't think DH even cares
I don't think DH even cares that SS7 was embarrassed at school, he's fine with that being SS's natural consequence for knowingly wearing his pants wrong. His issue is that SS was allowed to have so much control over the situation to begin with.
Ugh, OP I feel for you. SD5
Ugh, OP I feel for you. SD5 pulls this crap all.the.time. She will all of a sudden decide she can't do things she has been doing for herself for months or, in some cases, years and lying is becoming a more common problem. I'm not quite sure what the motivation is, if it is the satisfaction of manipulating adults into doing what she wants or if it is pure laziness or what.
One day this week, for example, we were walking in the front door after school and I told her the door wasn't locked and to just open the door and go on in. Man you should have seen the show she put on. Acting like she was turning the handle even though she wasn't, putting all her body weight on the door to try to force it open, fake tears, the whole 9 yards. This door is not at all hard to open and she has been doing it for about 2 years now so I am not buying that she was tired or hungry or anything else like that.
The mittens was a big one this year. When it finally turned cold out and she needed to wear mittens outside cause, you know, we have 2 feet of snow, she made a big show for a few weeks out of putting them on the wrong hands every day. We know damn well she knows how to put her mittens on, I think she does it for attention. We make her fix it every time and eventually that behavior goes away.....unfortunately, it is always replaced by some new attention getting behavior. It's a daily struggle.
The day is swiftly approaching when I will do as this BM did and send her little ass to school just as this BM did and let her suffer the consequences. She has come REALLY close to wearing her PJ's to school on more than one occasion.
Sounds like BD is
Sounds like BD is overreacting and maybe letting his dislike for his ex cloud his pov? BM parented, end of story.
I think the OP should stay
I think the OP should stay out of it . Not her kid .
I have told SS7 several times
I have told SS7 several times that if he doesn't quit goofing off and get it together he was going to school in his PJs because he was taking too long to get ready.
Even when your SS said he didn't know what was wrong with his pants when you asked him, was he playing dumb or he literally didn't realize his clothes were inside out? I feel like if kids were making fun on him, he figured out real quick what was wrong with his pants. Then when the teacher told him to go change it must have been such a distraction for everyone else. Problem is, you don't really know what the morning was like. Either he was being difficult and learned his lesson or BM was just lazy and thats sad. Maybe SS is more difficult in the morning for BM than your DH because BM isn't as assertive? I know we have heard horror stories of how our SS acts and throws tantrums at his BM's and I have never seen anything like that from him. Almost to the point that I didn't even think he had the ability to throw a tantrum in the way she describes.
Agree with all the rest--BM
Agree with all the rest--BM did a great job of letting kid have consequences for his actions. Nothing else needed. Certainly nothing to be mad at BM about. Just because your DH would have handled it a different way doesn't mean that her way was wrong.
I am cheering for birth
I am cheering for birth mother as well. If my child was to fight with me in the morning about getting dressed and then puts clothes on backwards inside out I personally probably would of made him change, even if we ended up late but however I might of just let him go to school like that too. I would be letting my child's father know the rough morning we had too. I would also expect my child's father to back me up, and also talk to his child about the behavior. It sounds like your step son is always giving birth mother a hard time, and " being moody" in the morning is one thing but it does not make that behavior okay, and it does not make birth mother a bad mother because she has such a difficult time with him but birth father doesn't. That is not fair. Sons usually listen to fathers more than mothers anyhow. Your DH needs to be supporting BM sorry to say, because your step son is going to start manipulating and putting them against each other once he figures out he can.
We deal with this every
We deal with this every Sunday when SS gets home from BMs. He's cranky and whiney because she doesn't make him nap (because it's a waste of her time with him) and she likes him to be 'her baby'. He will all of a sudden not know how to buckle his seat belt, put his clothes on, brush his teeth; all of which he can do Monday-Friday. It's apart of the transition process though and you just have to patiently wait for him to snap back to normal.
'
I think the kid tried to play his mom for whatever reason and she let him play it through. He got embarrassed at school and now he's trying to play dad against mom. Your DH has misplaced his anger, he needs to tell his son that he is expected to be responsible for himself regardless of whose house he's at. DH might not like bm's method for straightening him out on her time but it worked so move on.
BM did good. She handled it
BM did good. She handled it perfectly. Your husband needs to take a chill pill and trust her more. Many more years of school to come .
The "many more years of
The "many more years of school to come" really ties into DH's ongoing irritation with his ex-wife. He thinks she is lazy and just says she can't deal rather than finding strategies to shut down power struggles the kids try to engage her in. To give an example of this, SS7 has daily homework that goes home on Mondays and is collected on Fridays. BM has SS7 every Monday and Tuesday. She hasn't helped him with his homework since before Thanksgiving. She said it was impossible to get him to do it and the struggle over it was making them both miserable. The problem with that is that he's only in the 1st grade, it's a little early in his life (and school career) for his mother to throw up her hands and say, "do what you want, I give up!"
I know the pants thing is not a big deal one way or another. DH did not blow up or go ballistic, he didn't say anything at all to BM. He griped about her to me but that's it. It can definitely be viewed as BM teaching my SS a lesson about the importance of dressing properly, minding your parents, or whatever else. My DH sees it differently but I'm sure that's because of other things like the above mentioned homework.
Well, I can only give an
Well, I can only give an opinion on the example you originally gave.
Pants, BM handled it fine. Homework......yeah, not so much. You have to nag the kids in their formidable years to get a grip on homework. And if she's not, then you're all going to lose in the long run.
It's hard to explain the way
It's hard to explain the way we differ in my house without sounding like DH and I are drill sergeants running a boot camp, lol. The best way I can explain it is that our kids do their homework not bc it is expected of them by their teacher but bc it's expected of them by US. When it's time to do homework they aren't given any choices other than what pencil they want to use. We make it very clear that although the teacher might've issued the homework, the directive to do it is coming from us and so consequences will also come from us. It's as non-negotiable as brushing their teeth or wearing shoes to the store, there is no room for argument.
Of course, it's a lot easier bc all DH usually has to do is give a stern warning to whatever child is being difficult and they fall back in line. We joke that he has a special "man" voice that makes this possible. I think the reality is that when DH threatens a consequence he follows through 100% of the time and the kids know this. They rarely test him. DH doesn't live in a world where he has to pretend like he's going to walk home bc the kid won't get out of the car, or where mornings are a wardrobe battle. I think it would go a long way if he gave BM the parenting support with SS7 that he gives me, so that's the direction I'm going to gently push him towards.
I too was strict with
I too was strict with homework in their early years. It makes it a habit for them. Pays off when they are older. Do the hard work in the early years to make the later years easier.
Yes-I was the same way. The
Yes-I was the same way. The motto in my house was "no fun tell the Homeworks done."
It paid off in spades when my kids hit high school. Paid off again when they went to college. It's easy for them to stay on top of the rigorous coursework because they have always been expected to stay on top of the rigorous coursework
When I look at DH's kids and their complete and utter lack of study skills, I just shake my head.
Kudos to BM. Should be more
Kudos to BM. Should be more of it. SS won't pull that crap again.
I sent my SD to school one morning with bed hair, when she was being a whiny brat, kept moving her head so I couldn't brush her hair. I warned her that I wasn't playing this game, and if she didn't stop it she'd go to school with her hair like that. She didn't stop, so off we went. Once at school she refused to get out of the car, so I took the keys, got out and started to walk home, lol. She got out and went into school.
SS knew exactly what he was doing. Hopefully he learnt a lesson and won't do it again.
My brat kids have pulled
My brat kids have pulled these kind of stunts. The worst was when dd wore a slip to school insisting it was a pretty skirt. I kept telling her what it was, what it's purpose was and that it was see-through. I got a call from the school with dd crying asking to bring up a change of clothes. As a good mother I did, but took my sweet time and got some shopping done first.
That was the first and last time dd wore her pretty slip to school.
I gotta applaud BM on this
I gotta applaud BM on this one. In this case your DH is acting worse than the whiney 7YO that left the house that AM with his pants on inside out and backwards.
Instead of telling the teacher that BM let go to school like that tell the teacher "he went to school with his jeans on inside out and backwards bc he was being whiny and difficult in the morning and arguing/playing dumb over how his pants were supposed to be, so his mom said "fine go like that and see what happens"".
Rather than turn this into a drama fest treat it as a laughable 7yo kid moment, let the teacher in on the laugh, and move on.
IMHO of course.
Go BM!!! She parented and did not coddle.
Um, BM handled it exactly as
Um, BM handled it exactly as I would. If the kid can't do better, then he can go to school like that and be proud of what he has accomplished. If the kid can do better, then he can go to school and be embarrassed because he knows better.
TBH, I'm surprised the teacher intervened. Teachers have to deal with overcrowding, underfunding, kids showing up dirty, hungry, and all kinds of other situations far worse than pants on inside-out. If I were a teacher, I'd have other priorities.
Communication is key, if the
Communication is key, if the kid was giving BM a hard time that morning and she warned him about his pants but he played like he didn't care, BM is on point.
That should be the conversation between BM and BD. Then BD can have the talk with his son about his expectations even when he's at BM's house. A father should always demand respect out of his kids, regardless if it's at his mom's house, his house, school or wherever.