Venting: I wish SD 21 and SS16.5 would just leave!!
Long story but the short version is DH ( married in April this year) separated approx 4 months ago and he now lives in a rental FT with SS16.5 as he essentially chose to support his rude and entitled adult daughter.. Over his own wife. He inability to even consider my feelings or side of the story made me see red and realised that if I didn't put my foot down now.. It would be lie this for the rest of my marriage. No thank you.
We have been attemding counselling and he has made huge improvements but we are still living separately. As I refuse to have SS16.5 live back in my house again... And SS needs to finish his last year of high school next year... We have discussed living separately until SS finishes school next year ( Nov 2016). On paper that sounds reasonable ( as I have my own home) BUT the issue I have is that SS16.5 looks for every way he can to manipulate, live a wild life, not act responsibly, threaten self harm to get attention, ask openly to live with friends and leave home ( apparently said friends are planning to find a house 30mins away in another town and he would be living with them now, but the house they have here isn't big enough to fit him in)...and then there SD21 who's recently moved back into the area and is working in the local shops that I frequent and she even asked DH to move back in with him ( for fee rent and food without contributing one little bit and expects her father to provide for her)... And luckily he said no to that.
For those who know my story...SD21 sold my horse and kept my $1k and I had to text her to aski her politely when she was going to arranged to transfer the money or see me to pay me so I could pay off my car loan.. She ignored my text and went into a melt down apparently and her sister ( who was there with her) rang her father ( my DH) saying that SD21 was historical and claiming stormy was harassing her Blah blah balh... DH refused to hear my story or even see the innocent text and instead flew into a rage over harrassing his precious princess and that i had no right to contact her Blah blah.. Anyway.. We separated over it and are still separated as I refused to be thrown under the bus by a fucking manipulative shit and now alas.. She's miving back into our Town ship and DH must have spent the day with her yesterday ( I only see him in the evenings now and he leaves all day the next morning) it's our only time we see each other. Some days I spend the day with him... But it's interesting that now she's back in the scene.. He did nothing all day and yet didn't see him still till 6pm that night.. ( he's currently on holidays and not working).
So I don't know if I can last another year of this. Now and then I feel DH and I are on the same page then this shit with his daughter happens and I feel pushed aside. I've also suggested that why should we be the one who puts our lives continually on hold for his ungrateful kids and seeing SS16.5 has made it clear he dosent want to live with Dh (and his BM won't have him too)... That DH aims to complete the renovations on the granny flat out the back at his rental seeing he is on holidays now, and let him live independently there while he lives with me, but he checked in on him daily ( like he is doing now) and drives him to school..except he is living with me and he rents out the front house. All that's needs is about $600 to complete the renovations and Ive even offered to pay for it.. And at the time DH agreed with me but then doesn't followed thorough and when I raise it, he is claiming he dosent have the money ( currently not working) but then offers to cover the cost of getting my air conditioning in the car ($150) fixed. No money for the renos but will cover my air conditioning in my car? I offered to pay for the air conditioning service but he said its on,y $150 so that's no biggy.. But $600 is too much for our freedom?? I feel strung along now. I've already accused him of wanting his Batchelor pad and have his space so he can have his kids drop in ( where as SD21 is NOT welcome here at all I til she apologises to me which she won't as she thinks she's done nothing wrong)...
I detest Her and I resent the boy. All our relationship we have had to put our relationship on hold while he parents his kids ( as we parent so differently and I couldn't cope with the fall out when all three were living here)... He would allow Ss16.5 boyfriend to have sleep overs all the time and heaps of other issues we were so far off the page... So it's easier to live separately for sure... But this kid does what he wants anyway so why is DH there anyway? All he seems to do is provide a roof over his head and food and electricity etc?? They don't spend any time together?
Ugh ive tried to leave so many times but DH suckers me back in loving words and making an effort but pretending to agree with me and then seemingly doing what he wants all along. Without the skids, we are wonderful. I am so confused and don't know if I should wait another year so we can be together after that?
What makes you think anything
What makes you think anything will change in a year? Unless that kid is going off to college far away and on a full scholarship, you will continue to have problems. Trust me on that....
I'm hoping with DH living
I'm hoping with DH living with me under one roof.. Without his kids that we would be fine. We are fine on our own without the skids influence on our environment. By all means catch up with SD21 on her own somewhere else.. And SS16.5 will be finished school and living with friends ( hopefully sooner than later)...
Am I wrong to want SS to live independently or with friends? DH hopes he moves in with this family with his friends but then won't renovate the granny flat claiming lack of funds. Here always seems to have an excuse as if you can find money for some things but not for others... Means you are showing where your priorities lay. He can't be bothered or he truly dosent want to have him live independently or he dosent want to give up his own rental and is stringing me along as he likes having his own space. Every time I try and raise how I feel it dosent seem to get adequatly addressed and I have more questions or is this a time one just goes with the flow and stop worrying?
I don't not want DH to see SD21 but I annoys me he continues to see her knowing I'm waiting for an apology that he won't force her to say.. So our "blended family" will be forever fractured whereas my family are inclusive of DH even if they may not approve of him.. They tolerate him for me as I'm married to him. My girls are adults living independently and we are all meeting up for Christmas lunch including DH. I invited SS but I refuse to invite SD21 or buy her a present this year which is the first time ever in the 5.5 years we've been together. So DH seeing SD21 feels like a continual betrayal of me and our marriage as he is condoning her rude behavior which resulted in us separating.
It is a train wreck... You
It is a train wreck... You are right and I'm the only sane sensible soft place for DH to fall.. And yet I married him thinking that my position of wife would raise my status to equal partner and not girlfriend and who had a say in what goes on... Especially seeing SS was living FT in my home and at one stage previously.. So too was SD18 and SD21 lived here too.... Naive yes.
And SS16.5 does what ever he wants anyway. Always has done. DH is only needed for a ride to take him to parties and friends places and to school etc...SS is always at friends places and wants to live in with them as he prefers it. His middle sister did this in her final year of school too as it was closer to the surf and she surfed every day and wanted to live with friends. It happens here in Australia as I'm sure it does else where. Not every family is kind and loving. So I'm suggesting that If the granny flat is made more self sufficient for SS ( he is living in it now but my DH rents the house and the granny flat is a separate room in the back yard) and that nothing should change to be honest as DH will still see SS everyday and drive him school or to work etc.. And if he lives with friends as he is claiming he wants to do... DH will pay for his room and board. When you have a dysfunctional family.... Kids will go off to live in other directions at the drop of a hat. His BM tried to put him in foster care when he lived with her for 8 weeks before kicking him out a week before Christmas (she found alcohol in his room at the age of 14). BM has since put a restraining order on her own son... So she is exempt from her parenting duties entirely (her BF dosent like the lad... Mind you he js manipulative and a sneak with HUGE attitude and is entitled.. But SS has been raised by both of them to expect this).. I too don't want him living with me now too as it was hell... It's hard enough skids living in your own home let alone disrespectful ones.. It just got too hard. So I'm suggesting the self contained granny flat as an alternative so DH can live with me and still check up on SS everyday and maintain connection.
As for the bitch SD21.. Yes.. She is dead to me now. She is renting a place close to DH now and it pisses me off to think they are acting like nothings happened and lets just avoid Stormy... Like Im the one with the issue... She manipulated the situation.. dH protected her feelings over mine and we are separated as a result and yet they are acting like nothing's happended and it's no big deal. I'm just supposed to suck it up! DH ended up paying me the $1k she owed me claiming she will pay him back later.. I bet she didn't. I've lost my shit over the way DH always runs in and defences, enables and rescues SD 21.... I don't treat my kids like that and as such, are wonderful independent young ladies who self sufficient and doing well in life. Sd21 is always broke looking for a handout. I can't stand her and she can't stand me. But in the mean time DH spends time with her which condones her poor treatment of me before hand and the reason we separate in the mean time!!
And because weve had lots of issues with his kids over the years... My kids don't like the way my DH puts them first over me his partner and now wife. They think he could treat me better and that he needs to put his kids back in their place. Which is below that of adults and adults make the decisions in life. That's how they've been raised so can't understand how my DH treats me less than. They would love me to leave him to find a man without kids!!
Ha! Isn't it funny that we
Ha! Isn't it funny that we think that once we are their wives we will have an equal partnership with them, that suddenly they are going to take us seriously and make us a priority (no I don't mean more of a priority than their children, just that the marriage will be important enough to fight for). ERG, what a crock! I have only a tiny bit more say in how our time and energy is spent now than I did when I was GF for only a few months.
No offense, but I always
No offense, but I always wonder about those who say, "if not for the step kids, we would be great." I just find that hard to believe. I think, if not the kids, it would be something else. Something else that he would put before the marriage because if he felt the marriage came first, it would; kids or not.
I've already accused him of wanting his Batchelor pad and have his space so he can have his kids drop in
His kids are an excuse. Again, if not the kids, it would be something else. It's not the kids, it's HIM.
Yes I know I'm acting
Yes I know I'm acting unreasonably and in some way I'm expecting him to make her accountable for her shitty behavior towards me to try and heal the rift that's occurred in the blended family. It didn't have to happen but it has as he supported her and her feelings instead of making her accountable for her rude behavior and his own wife's version of the story. Why does it have to be a given that a father will automatically support his daughter over his wife. The fact that he didn't even seem to care about how I felt or what happen to cause her so called over reaction is what hurts!! And seeing we made a decision afterwards and after all this happened when he moved out, (to stay married and live separatly) but when I'm here on my on waiting for him.... I realise I didn't sign up for living two separate lives and I feel excluded and shut out his life more so since his daughter has come back into the town. Yes I'm resentful of her coming in an pissing in my territory. It was way better when she was an hour away.. Now she's back in my face.
It will stay this was until we can heal the rift as our two worlds can't blend due to all the damage done previously. I am lonely now... I have a good life but it's so hard to keep pretending we have a good marriage publically as we dont. He's fine as he does his own thing and is now spending time with his daughter which I'm resenting as she didn't want a bar of him before.
So I'm not coping with the idea of being "married" but living separately without a huge commitment to communicating and sharing things with me.. as its not what I signed up for living this lonely life. And I tried the distancing myself but he comes in all lovey Dovey and says all the right things and sounds all supportive and then it trickles away to him not being emotionally there anymore. I believe he is commitment phobic to be honest as the minute we seem to get close he seems to come up with a reason to disappear or to put distance between us. I'm an imdependent self sufficient professional woman who is paying for everything for this house ( there's no connection to the house any more as he has taken everything out he needs for his rental naturally.. Cancelled cable and the Internet and I'm still paying for family medical benefits for us and his son. Other than that there is nothing to connect us together at all.
It just sucks and I feel like I've splipped back into sitting around waiting for him again while he goes out and does his thing all the while his kids are allowed to dictate what they want in life and expect their father to support them which affects our future together. I honestly can't see us living together as he knows SD21 won't be made welcome here hence Hanging onto his rental. I say this to him but he denies it.
Im saying this in the nicest
Im saying this in the nicest possible way because it sucks but its over Stormy. Theres not enough effort being made but also theres not enough of a relationship left to rescue.
You deserve far better than this, yes you were naive in marrying with the thought that it would make things better, so dont carry on being naive enough to believe that one day hes going to wake up and treat you right. He hasnt been treating you right, thats why you split. Hes not treating you right now because if he were you wouldnt feel this way so why the heck are you wasting your time and effort on this guy who is showing you who he is? He is who he is and that will not change, because ultimately he doesnt see the problem.
Time to cut your losses and leave them to it.
You need to stop waiting for
You need to stop waiting for him to either change and make his children be independent, respectable people. It's not going to happen, his eldest is 21/22 and is still dependent on him to pay her way, why would that change everyone apart from YOU are happy with it.
I think you really need to decide whether you are going to be happy to be at the bottom of you husbands list of important people in his life, rather then top. If not then it's time to divorce and get on with your life without them.
Have you explored divorced within your counselling sessions.
I have explored it with my
I have explored it with my counsellor when I saw him on my own. The counsellor says he is passive aggressive and my eyes opened up at that point and I have since researched what PA is and he certainly fits the bill. I can see where his kids get it from and no wonder I'm out of my depth. PA people are never wrong and always blame others for their poor behavior. Wow.. That's all his kids!
How do I totally break away? He always comes back with the wooing words and loving actions and even agreeing to certain things ( like fixing up the granny flat) and then forgets to follow through.. There will always be an excuse you are right and after all the time we have been together, I have never felt secure with him. I've always felt like a passenger onboard his bus.
Words are easy to say. It is
Words are easy to say. It is actions that shows where your dh head is. He evidently thinks he can manipulate you by his words, however as others have written he is having his cake and eating it too, while you sit by lonely.
Stop the madness. You deserve a man that will cherish you and want to be with you 24 hours a day. What you describe are, to put it bluntly, bootie calls. He has none of the commitments or obligations of a husband, however he is expecting you to be waiting for his highness to grace your door. He is probably making sure that he is marking his territory lest another male ventures your way.
What would happen if all of a sudden you were too busy to receive him during the evening? Or maybe just see him twice a week? It seems that he has arranged your relationship to his satisfaction. Change it, and then see what happens. There is no motivation for your dh to change, and therefore, his dd will continue to wiggle her little text finger to scream sm is being evil, daddy save me! Your dh will continue to denounce your feelings, words, thoughts over her unless there is motivation to change.
Just divorce the man already.
Just divorce the man already. He can now have his cake and eat it! He has you there for him when he needs you but he does not have to change his lifestyle to accomodate you. He is essentially, a married bachelor. Getting to enjoy the best of both worlds.
Secondly the fact that you two are now living separately as a result of skid drama is the biggest encouragement that skids need to keep causing problems. He has given them exactly what they want - which is to get rid of you. Why would they ever move out?
If my father's wife had to move out because of me I would consider that a huuuuuge victory.
I'm sorry but you just need to divorce this dude already. He is not marriage material.
Well shit has hit the fan
Well shit has hit the fan regarding the middle daughter ( who lives interstate) calling daddeeeee late last night at 10.45pm dobbing on me for something I "liked" on Facebook which was contrary to SD21 keeping a horse that wasn't hers. It's a bit of a long story but SD21 broke up ( nastily) with her BF a couple of months ago and she has been riding his horse all that time ( he gave it to her to ride when they were together)... And now they've split.. He wanted it back and Sd21 claimed on face book he stole the offical ownership papers and forged them to put them back into his name ( not possible without a paper trail)... So anyway when he finally got his horse back ( after she played the victim yet again on face book).. I liked two comments on his face book page ( publically set as I'm not friends with him) about his horse being found and returned to him. SD18 rang daddeeeee last night crying telling him about me siding with the the ex BF instead of SD21... WTF! Why would I support SD21??? After all SD21 did back to me ( us) in July this year when DH rushed in to protect his precious princesses feelings as she claimed I harassed her when I sent her a text asking her politely about when I was going to get my $1k as I needed to pay my car loan.... And I'm the harassing one? And we've since separated over it and we are married living separately...( only married in April this year)
Fuck his daughters and his family. He says he feels betrayed by me siding with the ex by liking two comments posted on face book he didn't even see... ( he's not on Facebook) ...He instantly sides with his daughters who I feel are blatantly manipulating things to push me out of the picture too.... Well.. They win. I'm done. I feel absolutely guttered yet again so I shouldn't be surprised but the absurdty of the situation is what I can't get my head around.
I've since blocked them on FB and unfriended SD18 ( who I thought was the reasonable one). They can have daddeeeee all to themselves now.
Yeah, I think it's time to be
Yeah, I think it's time to be officially done. Maybe you can get an annulment based on fraud/misrepresentation.
I've looked into that when we
I've looked into that when we went through the first major upheaval back in July and it's not that easy.. But that's ok. Wow!! What a huge lesson I've learnt and I can never be with someone who had kids now.. It's totally put me off relationshios and Step kids full stop. Although my adult children have always been respectful and never put their influence on us at all.. Sigh. He is going to be a lonely old man but that's not my problem anymore.
Now to move passed the hurt and heartbreak and eventual loneliness and get on with my life.
((hugs)) You don't have to be
((hugs))
You don't have to be lonely forever. You will meet someone new and will know what to look for the next time. I know it hurts, though, and I am so very sorry.
Sorry his actions have hurt
Sorry his actions have hurt you once again.
Yes definitely time to divorce and move on with your life. Yes you will be lonely for a while, but you will be less lonely then you will be if you stay married to the man.