Have you tried speaking to your DH about this to let him know that you want to attend the functions?

Have you made plans for you and DH to spend time together?

How about starting to go with him when he goes to her house?

I agree with beaccountable. You should have gone or go to a professional that neither of you know personally. Hopefully, one who can see through your husband’s façade of I’m Master and Commander of the Universe.

So, so know what you mean. And, you are not being jealous. You have a right to react appropriately when you feel some other woman is replacing your role as your husband’s wife. Sure, it is great that he and his daughter get to spend time together. But, to me it does seem she is trying to stake a claim in your territory, especially given her prior attempts to displace you (either by ignoring you or ?), and your husband is allowing it. I know what it is like to be pushed into the background at so-called family events. Maybe you need to read your husband the riot act? And, I mean go for it. Your husband and his daughter both sound like the type who take what they want from whomever they want and you are getting trampled in the crossfire. I think you really need to let your husband know how you feel, and I mean big time.

Here is the crux of the problem, IMO:

"...because he ruined her and her mothers life by leaving them and marrying me, he always gives in."

Your DH is a classic example of a guilt-ridden Disney Dad. He feels he has to capitulate to his daughter's every whim because of his overwhelming sense that he "hurt" her and you were the instrument by which he did so. She is a master manipulator who has learned to use his guilt as a stick to poke him into compliance. And you are nothing more than a target for her to vent her subconscious anger. Not a healthy attitude for a 36 year old - she should have gotten over it by now!

Furthermore, if BM is around then she is probably still filling SD's ears up with how she was wronged, how you are the reason they split. A classic case of parental alienation which is ongoing. (Look up parental alienation syndrome and you will probably see lots of similarities.)

Sadly, you have become irrelevant in this Daddy and Daughter tango for two.

You must face up to the fact that even though you have devoted 19 years to this relationship, your DH has never been all-in. His behavior proves that and he will continue to do it. You are nothing more than an observer on the sideline. Make no mistake, if you were to ever tell him to decide between the two of you, he'd pick her. At least in the current environment you are in. But all is not lost.

The person who needs counseling is HIM. He needs to get a grasp on reality and understand that this level of obsession and enmeshing with his adult daughter is sick. He needs to develop clarity - and the clear truth is that he is doing nothing more than continuing to hurt SD with this kind of behavior. Not to begin to mention how much he has hurt YOU by doing so!

I'll be willing to bet that SD has problems with her own relationships with men. She probably can't sustain a long term one, at least with a mentally healthy man. Who would put up with it? After all, what self assured, confident guy could compete with daddy who gives her all she wants and worships her endlessly? DH is setting her up for a lifetime of loneliness. Is that what he wants?

My words to him would be: Physician, heal thyself. He who conceals his disease cannot be cured.

Is it possible that he is simply enjoying the attention he is getting by being in the presence of this daughter both from outside admirers and his daughter. It's been my observation that men of this type are really susceptible to any and all forms of flattery no mater the source. You have said she is beautiful and manipulative - she may be simply using it to flatter and fawn over him which is what he's looking for.
Try playing her game too.

You need to come out from the "family trance"...they are caught up in their self made co dependent and counterdepeindent culture. They define love as enmeshment...and Daddy sounds like a narcissist. defined by his career choice instead of his character...sounds like you have abandoned yourself and let them just about diminish your personhood. GO GET THAT BACK with a good life coach for yourself. You are not going to be able to convince anyone in this incestial- on- so- many levels of a relationship that what they are doing is unhealthy for both of them. They are doing what they know...a previous blogger said if you gave him an ultimatum to pick between her or you he would pick her... (he already has)...He is not allowing her to self actualize or individualize as an adult. She is emotionally immature...at what age she stopped maturing will be reflected in how she acts.

Her ignoring you and disrespecting you is her attempt to diminish and discount you altogether. The boundaries are pretty non-existent for her at this point, and their is not much of a sovereign "us zone" that has been clearly defined by both of you in your marriage right now. You have every right to be jealous. She is playing the role of the other woman. not just the role of the daughter. She is playing a role that was never intended to be her role to begin with...but somewhere along the course of life...the lines have been so blurred...that there are no lines...

If i were you I would get a healthy neutral third party life coach to help rediscover the disappearing you and work on your own issues...Get yourself healthy....the other two may never come around...but your mental and emotional health does not need to be co dependent on either of them "getting it"...as you begin to heal and deal with your own issues...the course of direction will be more and more clear the healthier you get. I cannot imagine the torment you must be suffering on a daily basis...the frustration in your post breaks my heart...No one should have to tolerate being discounted this way...It is emotional, mental, and psychological abuse...she is screwing with your mind...imposing apathy and a covert message that you do not matter...therefore you are less than and your opinion is not valid because it belongs to you and you are invisible...

I know, my osd tried to mess with my head the same way. and I took it for 25 years...until I almost disappeared from the face of the earth...You have to be able to do this for yourself...if you do not have enough self respect to get you in a healthy place as a human being...no one else will respect you...

You have to look at them like they are in need of professional help...like they are unsafe and crazy for you to be exposed to right now...i would be on the phone tomorrow. his reputation as a well known dr does not trump your needs as a human being right now. There is no shame in admitting you have feelings of being jealous...that is gut honest and gives you a place to start...at first it will be difficult to pull yourself out of the "family trance" they have you in because of their twisted culture...but you will need to get away from their unhealthy culture in order to gain a healthy perspective on it...you will have to step out of it in order to look "at" it and see it for what it really is... The important thing right now is you. Give yourself the time and investment of caring for yourself for a while as you heal ...realize they may or may not ever come around...but the truth is, you have one life to live...live it to the fullest...Do not abandon yourself...or give someone else the power to render you powerless over your own life...please don't walk...RUN...peace.

Your sd has become your dh mini-wife! In my case I have a mini-husband to my 70 year old dh. Our stories are very similar. My husband now retired was quite successful in his career, and is well educated Ph.d. I have been with my dh for 26 years. His ds is 47 years old, high school dropout, single, unemployed, alcoholic. Less than a year ago ss rented a room 3 minutes from us. Prior to that he lived 15 minutes away. We are now in the process of separating due to ss.

SS calls Dh sometimes several times a day. It was only one year ago that we were able to get away on an overnight trip without ss calling dh, or vice versa. One time I counted 8 times in one day. When we were supposed to cuddling at night my dh would sneak the phone in his pocket and go into the bathroom to call his ds. Sometimes dh would be in bathroom for quite a while. In the meantime, I am waiting in bed. It was only because I brought it up in our very short session with our marriage counselor and dh was embarrassed that it prompted to make a change. Dh, although he found it quite difficult, finally put the boundary on his ds that on overnight, or on very short trips, he is only to call if it is an emergency. That boundary only lasted two times and then it reverted back into what they consider their norm.

So now that my ss lives 3 minutes away, he calls my dh everyday asking to spend time with him. My dh takes my ss to do our grocery shopping, and to my dh Drs. appointments and dentist appointments. Likewise, my dh takes his ds to his Drs, dentist, and also any other errands in order to spend time with each other. Apart from that, they also have quality time together. In the summer they went fishing approximately 4 times a week. My dh says it is better to fish in the evening, and he would get home around 10 pm. They also watch football, baseball and basketball games on the weekend.

My ss like your sd managed to push me aside. The last conflict my dh and I had which brought on my decision to finally separate was that I was going to visit my elderly mother across the country for two weeks. I expected to spend with the day before I left with my dh. I got up and headed downstairs to have our coffee together. Instead, there was a note stating he had gone out with his ds. When dh got home, I voiced my disappointment in not being able to spend time with him before I left. He got very angry at me. I am supposed to never say any thing about ss. I stayed at my mothers for two months. During that time my dh cancelled all my credit cards, access to amazon as I have kindle, and he changed his Will leaving his millions to his ds.

Please get into counseling and do it for yourself. From the sound of your post your dh has started taking you for granted. He is supposed to be showering you with attention, taking you places, and showing you off. It sounds that if its not related to his profession, your dh is not asking you to do things as a couple. The scariest statement you wrote is the investment meetings he and his daughter attend without you. Like my dh, my guess is that your dh manages your finances.

Based on your post, my guess is also that your dh likes your undivided attention when he is around you. That like my dh he is a talker, this I deduced from the bragging about his dd, and he expects you to listen to his opinions while he goes on not even caring about your opinions. One time I clocked my dh to see how long he would go on voicing his opinion, while not paying attention to see if I had anything to say. He went on about an hour. I was actually lectured to as if I were in a classroom. My impression of how my dh sees me when I am around him is like a baby bird waiting for him to drop morsels into my mouth. The image I got about your dh is that he towers over you.

For a change, try not to be there when he gets home once in a while, I go to happy hours, movies, dinner, kayaking, meditation classes, salsa dancing classes and sometimes I go to a nice hotel all by myself. When he starts spouting his opinions, get up and do something else. If he starts bragging about his daughter, just say "how nice" and leave the conversation, better yet leave the room. Go away for a weekend or longer by yourself, it really does give you a different perspective about your situation at home. Get your own credit cards under your own name. I have not been employed in quite a number of years and have absolutely no assets other than a 1998 car. I was able to get 3 cards, one with the bank that my dh cancelled my card with. You do not have to use them, but knowing that they are yours really helps.

Once you start counseling be prepared as you will start rocking the marriage boat and your dh will not like it one bit as your life right now is as he likes it. Not only that your sd will probably also encourage him not to accept your changes, as she is emotionally invested in df. Your self image will change and the transition will feel sort of like when one moves from one house to another. During the move, the house is messy. It is this stage, the in-between stage, that your dh will despise the most and most likely try very hard to keep things as they are right now.

Good luck! It really helps to post things here. We have all these thoughts and feelings and it feels like we are putting 10 cats in one box. Speaking or writing them makes the thoughts and feelings concrete and uni-directional, instead of all over the place. That is why speaking to a therapist helps. Oh, by the way, I think that the dog was a passive aggressive move your sd made to keep you busy. Good luck in your journey.

My heart goes out to you, just trying to b a good person around ppl who are not. Keep,us posted, please.

My heart goes out to you, just trying to b a good person around ppl who are not. Keep,us posted, please.