Teen SD's dressing appropriately
I need some input as to what is appropriate for High School aged girls to wear to school and just out in public in general. DW and I are in our 40's and I'm not a prude or overly conservative or anything, but I have a big issue with the way she lets SD's 15 & 17 dress. I've briefly mentioned it to her a few times, but she made it clear she has no issues and I don't feel like it's my place to tell her how they should dress- so maybe I just need to vent a little. Maybe it's just a different time and I can't relate as I have no kids of my own.
Both girls wear yoga pants/leggings or yoga shorts/short shorts that barely cover their butt cheeks to school almost every day without a shirt or anything to cover their butts leaving nothing to the imagination. Apparently there is no dress code issue with this, and while they have to cover up a little more on top in school, they still wear skin tight and see through tops with giant padded bras that make them look like porn stars. Outside of school it's even worse with everything so tight it looks 3 sized too small, and they are already very small to start with. Bras are always showing- like completely showing with sundresses, open back shirts, tank tops, etc. SD 15 came down to get a ride to her BF's house with a too-small stretchy racerback shirt and a regular mega-padded pink leopard push up bra that was visible in front, back and everywhere else, spandex/yoga shorts that were very short and revealing and about 3 inches of stomach showing. She was going to spend the day at his house just hanging out with him and his family. I pulled DW aside for a second and asked if she was ok with that? She asked- ok with what? She had no idea what I was talking about. I was embarrassed to drop her off dressed like that. They go to pool parties (or we host them) with boys and girls where they are the only girls wearing tiny bikinis with almost thong bottoms- I just don't feel right about it- and I know what my opinion of them, and of us as parents, would be if I were one of the other kids parents.
I have one guy friend in a similar situation with a Teen SD and he said he and his wife have the same issue. He directly tells his SD to cover up and his wife tells her to wear what she wants and to feel comfortable because she is a beautiful girl- and that if anyone has a problem with her body then they shouldn't look. Am I missing something? I do not feel comfortable telling them they are dressing too revealing as I came into their lives when it already wasn't an issue for them or their older sister. Why are SDads more protective than their Moms? Is it because we know how guys (especially high school boys) think and look at women? I'm lost- and I know it's not ultimately my concern, but I do get embarrassed if we're all out to dinner or something and the girls have everything hanging out and showing. I see this as seeking male attention, and DW just thinks they wear what they're comfortable wearing so who cares?
I agree with all of that-
I agree with all of that- thank you. Bio dad is a huge part of this problem too- not only did he not care what they wore or how they were perceived growing up- he continues to perpetuate what I see as an issue now. He posts pictures on social media with them wearing tiny bikinis at the beach- or wearing way too revealing clothes. He obviously doesn't care- so more reason why I shouldn't say anything if their own father doesn't think it's an issue. They are a very open family- very touchy feely- and don't see where a body is anything other than just a body- like everyone has. I was just brought up very differently- and appreciate self respect, appearance and perception. At least we don't have any kids together- because if I had a daughter I'm sure there would be strong disagreements on these types of issues.
The fact that their dad isn't
The fact that their dad isn't bothered by the way the girls dress makes me wonder if you are a bit jaded.
Most involved dads are very protective of their little girls. They tend to be critical of how they dress. They don't want them wearing anything that will draw male attention until they are 50.LOLOLOL
You're exactly right that I
You're exactly right that I walked into it the way it is and that I can't change it. I realize that. I don't need to necessarily instill my values- it's the teaching them self respect that I think is crucial. They don't value themselves for who they are- they use whatever they can (clothes, their sexuality, anything) to gain acceptance by generating social media attention. If it's liked/shared/retweeted then it's good and accepted- and reinforced as positive by their peers.
Tom, man to man, I think you
Tom, man to man, I think you should tell them exactly what you just said here. "teaching them self respect that I think is crucial. They don't value themselves for who they are- they use whatever they can (clothes, their sexuality, anything) to gain acceptance" It might not go well but least you said it. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't express that and I'd tell it to SD, DW and bio if he was around. I don't give an eff, I say what's on my mind. So go ahead and let your daughters look like every other wanna-be whore, thats great parenting. I'd blow my relationship up with a fuel truck before I refrained from openly disagreeing with this. I think it's everyone's duty to save our daughters from society teaching them that sex sells. The last thing I'd ever be ok with is my SD or my DD's being underage sex objects. Their worth a 1,000,000 times more and I'd fight to prove it.
Modesty just isn't as valued
Modesty just isn't as valued as it used to be. It just hit me the other day while I was trying to shop online how most of what is on sale is just ... tacky ... cheap. Not cheap as in the price is cheap. Cheap as in it looks low class even though it might be expensive.
You have to raise a child who is strong enough not to feel like they have to wear what 'everyone' is wearing. I have a little daughter and I just hope that I can raise her to dress like a lady when she is older. It will not be easy.
I think part of it is to want
I think part of it is to want to wear what others are wearing, and then take it a step further with the one-up mentality. In a culture where everything is about who gets the most social media likes, retweets, shares, etc- the culture is to seek attention and draw attention to yourself. I hear the kids and their friends (who's faces are always in their phones) making fun of posts that don't get liked or shared enough- and talking about how embarrassing it is to post something that doesn't get enough attention. Not just clothes- anything.
As the mom of 2 girls, one of
As the mom of 2 girls, one of my duties was to teach them how to dress properly. Teens dressing whoreishly sets my teeth on edge- I'm with you. As a friend of mine told her daughter, sending her back to her room to change, "Ain't no one be wanting to look at your camel toe"! LOL But if your wife is not on board there's not a lot you can do, unfortunately.
I have this same concern
I have this same concern about my SD. I cringe when she leaves the house dressed like that and I definitely don't want to be seen in public with her. It IS embarrassing! In the past, I've brought it up to DH, but he didn't seem to be very concerned about it. Her mother buys her the too-short shorts and skirts and the belly shirts. My own daughters (who are now in their twenties) never dressed that way.
Right there with you- and DW
Right there with you- and DW does take them shopping and let them buy pretty much anything they want. I can only imagine what she says no to. She bought all of the girls new Victoria's Secret bikinis this spring- she let them pick them out and then bought them- and they are all string bikini bottoms that barely cover the butt, and push up bra type tops that barely cover the front pushing everything up and out and don't exactly look secure if swimming. They wear these for pool parties where girls and boys are chicken fighting- out boating and tubing where they have to be constantly flashing people... Clearly I just need to disengage from this whole issue- and like other things- only worry about it how it could potentially impact me.
You can't do much but you can
You can't do much but you can refuse to take them anywhere dressed like that. That's what I would do.
All people should be held
All people should be held accountable for their actions and behaviors. So, how someone dresses cannot cause another person to behave in any way.
Now for reality when it comes to impressions........ However, if your SDs do not want to be treated and considered as cheap tramps, they should not dress like cheap tramps. This disconnect with what should be and reality will never be rectified because social norms and mores will be what they will be.
If one wants to control what others believe about them then managing presentation is key.
A couple of years ago, SD's
A couple of years ago, SD's school was going on their annual field trip to an amusement park. BM took SD shopping for a special outfit to wear. Days before the field trip, SD came to our house very upset. Her school told the students that no bare bellies or short shorts/skirts would be allowed. If kids showed up dresses that way, they wouldn't be allowed on the bus. SD put on the outfit BM bought her to show us. OMG! It was a short skirt ( who wears a skirt to an amusement park?) and a belly shirt. That's how BM thought a seventh grade girl should dress for a school field trip to an amusement park. SD was angry with her principal. She wanted us to take her to get another outfit to wear. Money was tight and she already had plenty of clothes, so we refused. She had to wear something she already had. I was so grateful to that principal! Of course, BM has continued to but her the same kind of clothes. Clearly, she didn't get the message. Sigh.
I feel your pain, but even if
I feel your pain, but even if your SD's parents didn't approve, your SD's would still find a way to dress that way. Even worse that the parents think it's great
My DH's daughters are soon to be 30 and 34 and they still dress as seductively as they can. DH's eldest daughter is very well-endowed, and she wears tops so very low it is honestly obscene
And YSD dresses not only in her "tart-wear" as DH used to affectionately refer to it, but she wears totally outrageous things at times as well
Both girls style of dress is screaming for male attention/stares
And sadly, my DH loves to be able to brag about beating the men off when it comes to his daughters
My sister once told me that although she loves DH dearly, he was one of the most shallow people she knew. And it's true he really can be that. He really needs to have the biggest home, fastest car, most beautiful wife, most gorgeous kids, cutest grand kids. Even the damn cat (who I adore) is of course just the most beautiful smartest one that ever did walk this planet you know!
So if it isn't bad enough that his daughters are dressing to attract as much attention as they can, and have lost focus on just being the best person they can be, DH has lately taken all this to another level. He has become very competitive with me as well! My sister was the one to point out to me that DH can not ever let me just chat with her on the phone for example, without a bunch of interruptions; turning music up, TV louder, suddenly having the urge to vacuum an imaginary speck of dust off the carpet etc....
If we go to a get together that one of my friend's have invited us to, I can't get a word in edgewise with her, or any other ones. DH will cut in, ask questions, tease, carry on, whatever it takes to be the centre of attention.
Now I know where DH's sister and daughters get it from!! Dh seems to need to be the centre of attention not only in all of his relationships, but all of mine too :?
If we're at the grocery store and a woman comes up to tell me I have nice hair for example, DH will start jokingly thanking her and how he works hard at it etc...etc.. (he is almost bald) just to get the person to laugh and talk with him instead
If someone compliments my looks he'll do the same, trying to be funny thanking them and make it about him
Most people just think he's super funny and nice but those who know him, like me, know it's more about taking the spotlight off me then it is about being fun around them
His latest is he pretends not to notice if any men check me out. The exact opposite of what he does with his daughters. He will go to great lengths to even avoid looking in the direction of an approaching man, just to avoid letting me see in any way that he is aware men notice me. It's soooooo stupid!
BUT if we are out with his daughters, well, now his "radar" as he puts it is way up. Now even if someone so much as sneezes in his daughter's direction, well he is going to 'gun him down' Somehow he catches every glance however minor or made up in any other female's direction, with the exception of his own wife.
Take my advice and just let this one go
For my part, I figure if my DH is so bent on believing he has convinced me he thinks I'm some old hag and he is more popular, that his kids are drop-dead gorgeous and wonderful in comparison well, I can't control how he thinks and don't care to. I'll just continue to be the very best I can and look my best, and however he deals with that is his problem
I have two SDs that dress the
I have two SDs that dress the same way. I can handle leggings and tight cloths..it's the lack of clothing that gets to me. I find it very embarrassing to have teenagers with their butt cheeks showing or belly and back all bare.
I told DH that I didn't like it. He responded that their BM lets them. I said ok..well when they go with us to my family events they will be dressed as I see appropriate or they will not be going. That was two years ago..they haven't came with us since. Oh well.
If we go somewhere (not having to do with my family) and I think that they are outrageously dressed and I find it embarrassing, I don't go.
Sometimes it upsets DH, Sorry but I have standards and I think it's gross.
Well, it's so nice to hear
Well, it's so nice to hear that other people feel the same way the DW and I do. We're the parents of not 1, not 2 BUT 3 DD's and honestly, we're disgusted by society trying to sell America's daughters as sex objects.
In our house, granted our kids are still young but we make SD9 wear a skirt over her leggings, she has to wear shorts under her skirt and she's not ever going to wear the shorts we see some of the girls wearing today. I'm no prude, nor is the DW but I'm baffled when I'm at the grocery store and I can almost see vag lips because the 16 yr olds shorts show everything and I mean everything, when they turn around, I see 3/4 of ass! And the crazy part is the father is standing right next to her.
Once again, I'm not prude and by default, I'm a man. So I'm going to look when I see an ass in my face.
So I guess my question is to those who allow your underage daughter show her private parts in public, how is it ok knowing that grown men look at her in a sexual manner?
An I crazy? As the weather
An I crazy? As the weather is getting hot, this is becoming a daily thing again. While I admire 15 y/o SD for doing volunteering- she went to a feed the homeless event with her school this past weekend wearing something I feel is inappropriate for any situation- no less to be wearing at a school charity event. She wore a thin white "top" - thin straps, very low cut in front and very low in back with a pink bra. The bra cups and lots of cleavage showed in front, the straps of course showed, and the entire back of the bra was exposed from under her arms all of the way around the back as the top only came up to about 2 inches below the bottom of her bra. The tag was hanging out- so if anyone there was curious what size she was- that was on display too. The top was very loose - so any movement revealed everything underneath as well.
I just don't get it- I feel too young to be old fashioned, but isn't intimate apparel supposed to be intimate? Her friends in the pictures were very conservatively dressed, and there SD is basically in her bra with essentially a light swim cover up on and everything exposed. I don't feel it's my place to address her directly about that kind of stuff- so I pulled DW aside and asked if she was ok with her DD going out in public like that- especially to that type of event. Of course she thought I was crazy- and pointed out that nothing private on her was showing - just a bra that covers more than her swimsuits do. The pictures from this are on everyone's social media pages and even on the school site with SD looking what I feel is inappropriate and kind of trashy. I can tell by prior responses that I'm not alone here- but how much should I care? Should I just disengage from this issue and leave it up to DW that does nothing? Very frustrating- more than it should be for someone who's not even my own DD.
Omg you couldn't have planned
Omg you couldn't have planned it better....
That is great timing- and I'm
That is great timing- and I'm sure it got the message through to him quickly! The girls dad is the same- he's as much a part of the problem and seems care less what they wear or how they present themselves. I find that shocking and sad, and I am mostly disengaged from it even though it frustrates me. Luckily the girls are both on birth control for other health necessitated reasons so pregnancy is not a huge concern. I find myself thinking less of DW for allowing this, and for being so naive about the real world and how the girls are undoubtedly thought of.
I do think my situation is different being the male step parent, and it's not as easy to point out that they are dressed too slutty or revealing- because it implies I look at them that way. Also- if I tell them how guys view them- it's like saying I do too and I don't want to create issues at home that make them uncomfortable around me. That's why I try to share how I feel with DW hoping she'll do what's best for them, but obviously our views differ greatly. So I'll just keep staying out of it because it ultimately does not impact me. At least when you speak up you can be coming from the woman who knows angle and hopefully get more buy in. Thanks for the perspective and input Sally!
Things I have learned from
Things I have learned from being the step mom to a miniwife, soft porn selfie star...
1. You can't care more than the parents or you will drive yourself crazy.
2. Boozilla doesn't care and lives through daughter Boozilla looks like jab a the hut
3. Disney daddy is apparently scared of both Boozilla and SD 16. Afraid SD will take away the few crumbs she does sprinkle his way and afraid Boozilla will take him back to court for more child support. He doesn't approve yet says nothing.
4. When she is in my house and inappropriately dressed by my standards, I tell her to cover up. I have a 13 and 14 year old sons. I told her you don't want DS14 spanking his monkey thinking about your a55 hanging out of your too tight shorts. Guess what she changed.
I think OP is right.. You need to tell them cover up.. I don't want to see your X,,y,z it's ridiculous your wife allows them to dress that way in front of you. Have you told her it makes YOU uncomfortable? For Pete's sake step dads and dads are MEN after all.
Very good advice- and I
Very good advice- and I didn't think of it from the perspective that I feel like I'm caring more than their mom, which is very frustrating. I know she loves them and wants what's best for them, but I wish she would teach them to respect themselves and to present themselves in a way that not make others lose respect for them.
Good approach by referencing your sons that way- and it's very true. I think me being the only male in the house is part of what makes me feel even more awkward to speak up too much about it when the three of them are all on the same page. I know I can't change it- I'll try to be less frustrated about it- and put myself in less situations where I'm embarrassed by it.
Here is a thought... Have you
Here is a thought... Have you seen the dad who was tired of his daughters daisy duke shorts, made himself a pair and wore them out in public in front of her? Maybe a speedo worn around the house by you, or some Lycra bike shorts.. Go shirtless.. Sometimes kids only get it when it's put in their face by example.. Such as chewing with their mouth open
You could at least have fun with it 
Sad thing is the girls see the kartrashians as the role model of what to be. Any attention is good at that age.
My neighbor is having the same issue with her daughters.. She is fighting it tooth and nail.. The slutty clothes, and her DH , the girls step dad has told them to change it makes him uncomfortable. She throws away the clothes, and honestly they don't dress that bad! She asked if me and another neighbor would come over with camel toe pants on so her girls see what it looks like..
You have rights in your house.. I am surprised your wife doesn't bat an eye.. How does she dress? I totally understand that it is hard for you to say something since it makes you sound like a perv.. They need to respect you and your wishes too.