Writing a will / trust - how to include step kids

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This is becoming a huge issue with my wife and I- and someone must have dealt with this before. We're in our mid 40's, married 2 years and I have no bio kids and very little family left (only a few second cousins). Most of what we have comes from me- or is the result of prior inheritances from my family, and after being married only a few issue-filled years I don't feel that everything should automatically go to her kids if something happens to both us at the same time- since almost all of it was mine before we got married. I already resent supporting her 3 kids that provide very little positive to my life, and I don't exactly want to leave them set for the future if something happens to both of us- especially when their dad contributes almost nothing financially to them and never will.

The problem is- there is no other logical place for me to leave anything to other than charity or some distant and also irresponsible cousins. Hopefully none of this is an issue for decades to come, and things may be much more clear years down the road, but if something were to happen to me (or us) now - I don't feel like it's the right thing for everything I've worked for and inherited from my family to just default to the SK's simply because she has children and we're married. As we were doing the paperwork to get the documents drawn up- she just naturally assumed that everything would go to the kids- and when I brought up charities or anything other than the kids- she was highly insulted and offended that I would consider leaving even a portion to strangers when she has children. They would end up with plenty from insurance policies, etc., but I don't know how to even discuss what else to do without offending and upsetting my wife. These kids have been an enormous emotional and financial drain on me since we've been married, and had I thought it through probably would not have even got married to begin with. I'd appreciate any input from anyone with similar experiences- how should I handle this, and how can we even discuss alternate beneficiaries besides her kids without having it sound like I'm trying to do something wrong?

You are absolutely in the

You are absolutely in the right, and your wife is in the wrong. She shouldn't expect YOUR wealth to go to HER ungrateful children. Hell yes a charity is a completely acceptable solution. With a good lawyer, you could leave your wife a little money, should you pass first, and give the rest immediately to charity.

If your wife has a problem with that, tell her she should consider purchasing and maintaining a large life insurance policy (ON HER OWN, you don't pay for it) if she'd like to leave her children something. You might be HER gravy train, but you don't exist to be her children's gravy train.

And if this is a problem 2 years into the marriage, I'd consider booking passage on the first ship to Singletown.

When a similar issue came up between my husband and myself (his daughter was coveting one of MY family heirlooms), he looked at her, and told her that I had plenty of cousins or nieces and nephews that will inherit my possessions, and that nothing of mine would be hers. So kudos to him. I'm sorry your wife thinks that you owe her children something.

Thank you for the reply, and

Thank you for the reply, and I am very much on that same track as far as the finances go. Because much of what I have inherited and earned is in various IRA's it's actually pretty easy for me to direct on my part by designating my desired beneficiaries. We're doing a trust together for our joint assets and that is going to go to the three kids- but at this point the net after all assets would be sold and debts paid isn't significant enough to worry about. My primary concern is that if something were to happen to me this young- is that what my parents and family worked their entire lives for doesn't go to ungrateful irresponsible children- I would fell much better with it going to charities that would be in line with what my family supported and believed in.

First, go see a lawyer by

First, go see a lawyer by yourself.
You need to find out what the inheritance laws are where you live in relation to the specifics of your situation.
Things to consider include:
-- are finances separate or joint
-- what are state rules on previous inheritances
-- what are state rules on things owned before marriage
-- if money is separate, how to keep it that way

Talk to the lawyer about different kinds of trusts. You could set up a trust, with your separate funds, that benefit your wife during her lifetime and go to charity after her death. There are lots of options.

Clarify things in your mind, know what is possible, know what you want- then have a joint discussion.

I am in a similar situation

I am in a similar situation with my DH - except that I have never supported or financially contributed in anyway to his son or grandchild.

I have a trust. My DH will receive an income and a home to live in until his death if I predecease him - but NOTHING - absolutely NOTHING not one penny will go to SS30 or his spawn.

And my DH being a decent person not a greedy ass shrew is perfectly okay with that.

You are doing nothing wrong.

You are doing nothing wrong. Why would you question yourself on that point?

Since the assets are yours prior to marriage or from inheritance than what you do with that money is up to you. Joint assets should go to your bride upon your demise. Your assets go where you want them to go.

I suggest that you leave all of your assets in trust the proceeds of which will support your bride upon your demise and then upon her demise it goes to charities that you predesignate.

That way your bride is cared for and your toxic Skids do not get your assets.

We did something similar though our goal was to protect our assets from the toxic SpermClan. Since what we have we built together we are each the others sole heir and beneficiary. In the event of our joint demise it goes into trust for my SS now 23 (he is now adopted but that does not change the terms of our Will) which is to be co-adminstrated by my brother and my dad until he either turns 40yo or graduates with a bachelors degree from an accredited college or university. The whole intent was to keep the SpermClan from benefiting in any way should my wife and I have died before SS turned 18. We both insisted that not one penny would go to THEM even in support of SS should the toxic SpermClan obtained custody of our son.

You will never get your bride to understand your perspective so you are best served just having your attorney draw up your Will and have it kept by your attorney's office until it must be read following your demise.

I do agree with the trust

I do agree with the trust approach- and the way we have things set up its actually pretty easy to keep straight as I replied above. My intent is that if something happens to both of us together- that what was mine before marriage will go to charity with some to my cousins- with our trust getting divided amongst the Skids (because the amount would not exceed what my wife brought into the marriage herself- and that should go to them). If something happens to just me- she will get my life insurance and 401k along with our joint assets which will leave her in a good and secure situation- and what was mine before the marriage will go to charities and my few relatives. Having the majority of my individual assets in IRA's makes that easy to designate where I want it- I just did not expect the response I got from her about my intentions.

Agreed- and thank you.

Agreed- and thank you. Nothing will be behind anyone's back - and no one will be kept in the dark. I would never want that done to me- so I would not do it in return.

I will let you know when the

I will let you know when the final decisions are made- I just outlined the basics below and I feel it's fair to everyone. Thanks for your response and the kind words! I apologize for the delays in responding / updating- lots going on as always and I was going to update when everything was final.

That is very similar to how I

That is very similar to how I tried to come across- thank you. I mean no ill will towards the children- it's just that planning for right now I don't feel right about them inheriting what was mine before marriage- especially since my wife is the one who wants to keep finances and property separate. They have all only been in my lives for less than 4 years- and I made it clear that 10 or 20 years from now I may feel very differently, but since we're planning for now- this is what I'm comfortable with now. This is a topic that must be discussed openly and frankly.

If you wife wants to keep

If you wife wants to keep finances and property separate, then I find it confounding that she expects you to leave YOUR pre-marital assets to her kids!??

Agree that a trust is the way to go, but visit with an attorney alone FIRST to discuss what options are. When you've made your decision (and the trust/will is finalized) then be honest and let your DW know what you've arranged. I think it might be a good idea to name the trust with your family's name, "42 Family Trust".

When you explain it to DW, you can tell her that you are leaving your family inheritance amount to X charity/school/foundtion - because that is a cause that was important to your parents and you want to honor them by donating the money IN THEIR NAMES from the (now established) family trust. Also let her know they would be most proud of you for supporting that cause.

If after that explanation, she still thinks that her kids deserve your family's money - sorry to say I think you have got much bigger problems!

And for what it's worth, I am

And for what it's worth, I am in a similar situation EXCEPT I did not marry my SO. These kinds of issues are exactly why. I would HATE that any money I had (including some still left from my family) wound up in my skids pockets.

Same here, 2Tired4Drama. I'm

Same here, 2Tired4Drama. I'm not married, nor will I ever be. There's no way my bf's kids will end up inheriting one cent that was ever mine.

While I am alive I am not

While I am alive I am not willing to support SS30's addiction issues - sure not going to enable him after I die.

Been there and it was

Been there and it was upsetting to my wife that my daughter is getting a larger portion but it's your money and it can go to whomever you want. I suggest seeing a lawyer in private and doing what you feel is right. No one needs to know and simply tell her it's dealt with.

I had these same issues with

I had these same issues with my SO. My money was hard earned though, not inherited. I'm frugal and I saved my entire life, so it felt especially painful that DH wanted my money for his kids when he hadn't saved and the kids were bratty. I also bought the house that my DH and I live in with his kids and I have a lot of resentment towards the kids for many reasons. The issue doesn't exist for me anymore though because I now have a child with DH so my money will go to DH and DS. However, back then, DH was upset with me and felt hurt that I didn't want his kids to have my money.

I also stated back then that my money was going to charity. I think it was easier for DH to swallow because of my personality and character aligned with giving the money to charity. He knew that I didn't want an inheritance from my parents and that I've worked hard my entire life and have been financially independent at an early age, so it made sense that I wouldn't give his kids money to continue to sit on their lazy butts. But really, I just didn't want to give his kids the money. I would rather give the money to my brother or cousins, really, anyone else than his kids.

It is a delicate issue, but it is your money. And you mentioned that you probably wouldn't have gotten married if you knew what you were going to be dealing with. So, if you really feel that way, plan to give it to charity. It's your money to do what you want with. For me, after many discussions about this with my SO, he finally realized that too and became less upset about my decision. Just try not to make it too personal when discussing it with your wife. You can just say that you had always planned to give it to charity. She may be initially upset but I don't see why she should have a problem with what you do with your money. And, if she continues to be upset and unrelenting, then maybe you just learned something about your wife that you need to consider.

I totally agree with this. No

I totally agree with this. No one needs to know what's in your will. Other than asking if someone will be the executor, it's your business and yours alone.

I'm the executrix of my Moms will, but that's all I know.
My Dad made all 3 of us executors because he didn't want to make any of us feel bad. It was a bad decision and so my brothers gave it up and let me take care of everything.
We had no problems but I like my step siblings and they like me. We all trust each other and none of us thought we deserved anything more than one fifth.

I'm still here, and I will

I'm still here, and I will update on the final decisions once we've figured it out. I am meeting with an attorney to discuss options, and we have an appointment together later to have the actual paperwork drawn up. Everything will be structured in a way to where what was mine prior to marriage goes to charities or wherever I decide, and our joint assets will be divided in a way that her children receive a representative share of at least what was hers prior to marriage- as they should. Should I pre-decease her- she gets my life insurance and joint assets, but not what was mine prior to marriage. She we die together- nothing that was mine prior to marriage goes to the trust or her kids.

Very interesting post and I

Very interesting post and I totally agree with you. I am in a pretty similar situation to yourself in that I have no kids of my own yet DH has two teenagers. We got our wills prepared and signed them at the solicitors yesterday. As my husband has already provided for his children and ex wife generously with a house, if he dies before me, our joint assets will pass to me and nothing to his children.

When I die and if I have no bio kids of my own- I have left everything in my will to my 10 year old nephew back in Ireland (we live in Australia).

My husband's kids will get nothing. Why should his children benefit from my life's hard work in ANY way???!! I would turn in my grave and prefer throw all my money out the window/leave it to the cats home before I would let that happen. At least my husband agrees with me. Your wife expecting all the loot to go to her children is quite frankly shocking. If my husband had tried that on or even asked me to leave a set amount to his children, the answer would have been a big fat resounding NO.

I am not their mother, I don't owe them a living and they won't get jackshit from me. Our wills aren't just silent on they issue- there is SPECIFIC mention for the avoidance of doubt that they are to be excluded so there can be no comebacks on my husband's death.

This inheritance entitlement culture pisses me off. I said to my husband in no uncertain terms that his kids are getting sweet f**k all from me. Not my kids, not my financial responsibility. Just because you are a man, why should it be any different in your circumstances? You don't owe these kids anything!

Very interesting post and I

When I die and if I have no bio kids of my own- I have left everything in my will to my 10 year old nephew back in Ireland (we live in Australia).

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Writing a will / trust - how to include step kids