Did you end your marriage because of Step Kid(s)?

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Hello all. For those of you who are still on this site and are getting ready to end your marriage or already have, I would like to know your stories.
I think of how much better my life was before this relationship and I miss the peace and tranquility. I thought I could easily handle the SD ( she is 11) and in time we would all gel as a family. My SD is not evil. She is not bad or misbehaved. She is not rude. But she has very bad habits. Poor self care. Smells. Greasy hair. Room is a mess. Half hearted attempts to clean it. She lies. Everything she does is half-arsed. Kind of thick as shite yet manipulative. I can't really figure her out but she gets on my nerves. I think she has mental problems. She has faked not being able to read ( she can). Gets sick for attention. I want to find her interesting. I don't. I want to be proud of her. I am not. And I feel absolutely terrible about the way I feel because she loves me and wants my attention so badly. But I just can't take her lack of pride in herself and what she does. And the lying.
My spouse thinks nothing is wrong with the girl and that the problem is me. SD had no rules or direction on anything until I came into the picture. My spouse sometimes "undoes" what I put into place. Normal things. Chores like unloading the dishwasher. It doesn't seem to bother my spouse that SD puts items away in wrong places saying "oh, that's just kids for you". Always a pass. And I am always accused of being too hard on her and not sensitive to her little feelings which she so expertly fakes to get my spouse's attention. I see through all the BS. My spouse doesn't.
And maybe that is the main problem.
All the fights my spouse and I have had have been over the SD. The parenting style of my spouse. Yet I got married anyway. 2 1/2 years of unhappiness. I don't like being a step mom. I don't like the expectations that my spouse has of me as sometimes I am really doing it all. I feel disrespected and undervalued.
I have lost respect for my spouse as a parent. I feel like a slave in my own home.
For now, I don't have the guts to pull the trigger on divorce. I just know that I feel like I live in servitude. My spouse and I end of arguing when we try and talk about things. Counseling has not worked. I feel guilty. My spouse moved countries to be with me. Perhaps too much pressure on both of us. Add to that my spouse not being able to find work. I carry us all. Its just too much at times.
I miss my old life.
Thank you for your stories in advance.

Do not be driven by guilt.

Do not be driven by guilt. You have one life to live. Do not waste it being miserable.

No life is never going to be perfect every day. But when you are just miserable 24/7 and your partner does nothing to help the situation it is usually time to move on.

I miss my old life before

I miss my old life before step children too and am tying to get back to that peace. Sounds like you SD might possibly be BPD, look it up.

I too am going thru the same

I too am going thru the same thing but I have not invested near as much time as you have.....I have been with my husband a total of 2 1/2 years. Between us we have 4 kids-I have a 19yr old daughter and he has 3 girls (twins-9 and 6yr old). Our relationship has been far from the "norm" and I will explain why in just a second.....But I too struggle with the same feelings.....
My husband is what I call the "guilty" parent. Meaning that his children are spoiled. They do not have the concept of being told no, they have never suffered disappointment, they run the household and its come to a point to where it is interfering with our marriage. Ive seriously considered leaving. We have shared custody...meaning every other week (not weekend). I have come into the role of joining the family taking my duties by making breakfasts, lunches, and dinners-only to constantly hear nothing but negativity from them, I don't like this-I don't want this, etc.....and you get to a point to where you wanna stop trying because it effects the ways you feel. It doesn't feel good to be degraded or belittled. i mean I cant do anything right. Their dad has to do everything..and i do mean EVERYTHING. I have a 9 year old who screams for her daddy at the top of her lungs every night at least 10x a night. Am I the only one who finds this ridiculous? She throw a temper tantrum every Sunday to the point where he has to sleep in her room with her...while the other twin has mini panic attacks about everything.
The way I feel is like Im living on a roller coaster.....on the weeks we dont have them we do great, but then the weeks we do....im stressed, im depressed and my husband doesnt really acknowledge that I exist other than the fact of cooking, cleaning, and doing laundry. I can honestly say and it hurts my feelings to say so...that I resent them. I cant make any rules in the house and every time i tell him its crazy having a child yell at parent like they do him he plays the guilty parent card. Im at wits end because ive seriously considered leaving because i cant live like this much longer. And to tell you the truth.....I dont anyone who is going to put their marriage on hold for oh 12 years when the kids are out of the house because I sure cant live that way....am i unreasonable for feeling this way? Do you ever feel this way?

I too am going thru the same

You're not unreasonable, not

You're not unreasonable, not at all.

I feel the same way when my SSs are visiting. They are 18 and nearly 20 but they are served their lunches and dinners by their Dad. Guilty dad here too, it's awful, he infantilizes them. I think because he has no clue how to be a father.

Everything you said about resenting them, it applies to me too. But I refuse to cook and clean for them and do their laundry. They're old enough to do it themselves, or their Dad can do it. It's easy enough when they're here for a short time, but when it's a month in summer and they stink, have dirtied up every thing in the house (like, they even have greasy footprints??? how does that even happen???), I tend to blow a gasket.

Their Dad has now gotten the message that I WILL NOT BE DOING IT, EVER. But he resents me, I think, for not being the Mom figure. Well, there is no perfect blended family, that's a myth, and I accept it. I know he doesn't relish spending time with my son either. Tit for tat. I'm polite and pleasant to his children/adults but I won't go any further, they are polite to me but it still doesn't turn into their doing the dishes or cleaning the freaking toilet, now does it?

So I don't know if we'll last, but... if we don't, it won't really be the SKs' fault. It'll be my SO's fault for not parenting them in a way to promote their discipline and autonomy.

By their ages, I never asked for any money off my parents, I had jobs and was in university. My SO was working full time and was also in university at their ages. So I really don't understand why he feels so guilty. Why he thinks he has to have blow out holidays that makes them expect one every year without fail. Why he's not hurt that they can't buy him a birthday present, but they can buy themselves cartons of cigarettes and beer (don't even get me started on that). He sees them as infants. THAT will kill our relationship, if ever one or both of them comes to live with us.

TBH I'm hoping againt hope that they never do, because I will most def be leaving!

Thank you all for your

Thank you all for your comments. I have been married to my spouse for two and one half years....not 21. It kinda feels like that though.
I am refusing to live for the future....for a time when the SD is out of the house. Like so many posts here have reminded me, it sometimes doesn't end once they move out. If my spouse was supportive and yes, I have considered BPD at the worst and selfish and entitled at best, it would be different. I wouldn't feel the way I do. At least not as resentful. I resent all the money I had to spend on these two to get them to this country only to find that I am unappreciated. No, I don't think it was a tactic to get to the US and get a green card or anything. My spouse is not that enamored with the US. My spouse became depressed after arriving here and stayed that way for the better part of a year and refused to get medical help, instead, it was nightly drinking to self medicate. Now its different, the depression has subsided but during that awful time our marriage went through the ringer. My spouse was angry and hateful towards me. Nothing I did for my spouse or SD was good enough.
But back to the SD, perhaps its a case of two different parenting styles. I think it is important to prepare a child for the future, to set limits and boundaries and have expectations. My spouse sets the bar way lower than I do. It is infuriating as I know that my SD is capable of more. The irony is that, at times, I think that my spouse doesn't parent, but leaves it to me to remind SD of washing hands, using a napkin, using soap and shampoo in the shower, doing her very best with chores, etc.
I don't know what is going to happen in the future. It doesn't look good for now.

Yes. I ended my marriage but

Yes. I ended my marriage but if wasn't just the kids. My biggest problem was their father. Then the step shits. Their mean bitch of a mother. It was up to me if I chose to stay in that hellhole of an existence with them. Rude. Disrespectful. Liars. Manipulators. Sociopaths. Seriously. My exH had several of the markers for sociopathy. His two oldest are horrible. The youngest is fast tracking behind them.

I had hard line boundaries. If those boundaries were crossed, I was done. Up to that point, there had been enough crap to run a same man nuts. But the XOSS stepped way over my boundaries. I moved out with my two kids. Attempted to work on it for five months. Gave up and filed for divorce after rotten treatment even living apart. He asked me not to go thru with it two months after I filed. I gave him two months to do something..anything. He did nothing. When I didn't run back to move in with him, he got mad again and put the final nail in the coffin. I went thru with the divorce.

They are all assholes. But only you can decide if that's the life you really want for yourself. I had too much self respect to put up with it. At first, I was a little shell shocked but 2 years in, it was on. The whole relationship lasted less than four years. Dating, engagement, marriage. I lived apart the whole last year. People are nuts.

I wish I had possessed your

I wish I had possessed your clarity during my first marriage. If I had I would have had it annulled within the first month. Neither of us had children when we married and we never had any. That is the greatest blessing that came from my union with that adulterous cavern crotched skank whore. The only improvement that could have been made is if I had not tolerated her for the 2.5 years we were married.

She left me for her geriatric Fortune 500 Executive sugar/baby daddy who she met during her post surgery rotation at nursing school (that I supported her through). Apparently they bonded intimately over sponge baths or some such crap. Unbeknownst to me at the time she was cheating from nearly day one of our marriage. Lack of intimacy was a major stressor in the marriage but apparently not for her, at least outside of the marriage. Interestingly once she moved out or our marital home and I immediately started dating suddenly she had regrets. I had none. My conscience was clear. I had given it every possible effort.

If your conscience is clear, move on without regret.

It worked for me and 3 years after my divorce was final I met my amazing bride. We married within days of the 4th annual celebration of my divorce and the purging of the skank whore from my life.

We celebrated out 21st anniversary this past summer.

Your story sounds familiar.

Your story sounds familiar. Although, I’m not leaving my DH, my advice is to leave. I miss my old life too. I have two stepkids. SD is 15 and pleasant, but needy and is ok with self care, but not great. SS is also 11 and sounds like your SD, but worse. He’s not evil, but he’s not a good person in my eyes. I’ve known him since he was 7 and he has always been manipulative. He lies constantly and has horrendous habits. He pretends to take showers, steals food, doesn’t brush his teeth, etc.

My problem is with DH. He also had very little rules and structure before I entered the picture. I came in and “fixed” things. And in my mind so many things were broken. I didn’t and still don’t consider a lot of those things normal things, but DH does.

I have the same problems with chores. The kids had no chores when I came into the picture. They left trash out, never cleaned up after themselves. They were also an absolute pain to take to any store. They would whine and complain to get toys, candy, ice cream, fast food every time we went out of the house. So, I suggested that DH implement an allowance system and chores. That way, they cleaned up and there was less whining because now DH told them to buy it with their own money...no money, no toys. But now, I’ve stopped shopping with them because I can’t stand to hear older kids whine. Also, they suck at their chores and I spend my nights reloading dishes, rewashing pots and pans, and occasionally revacuuming. Trying to get them to do things right has been a different kind of nightmare.

I used to live close to the city, but moved out to outer suburbia to live with him and his kids. He told me that he had to live there and be close to his ex because he didn’t want to lose the kids (he had them half time, but it was really much more than that because his ex is flaky). So I moved in with him in their one bathroom house. It was a horrible year for me. I sold my place in the city and bought a house out there with way more bathrooms! The house is in both our names, but I paid for closing costs and a significant downpayment so our mortgage is low. He was broke. I resent the fact that I paid for our house in a place that I never wanted to live. Add to that, less than 3 months after we bought the house, his ex left the country and didn't see her kids for over a year, so no, we didn’t have to live close to her. Plus, now she “gave up” the kids and we have them full-time. I’m resentful because my DH says that it was my idea to take the kids full-time. I was forced into a position of trying to do the right thing for the kids, but they are not appreciative, so yeah, it sucks for me. I am motherly towards them, but privately, I don’t want them.

Outwardly, we look like the poster modern family. We’re multi-ethnic, pro-adoption, financially well off, etc...but privately, it’s my living hell. I can’t talk about my problems with my friends or family because if I told them the reality of the situation, they would be upset. SS has/had issues that I can’t get over. He used to hit my dog. I can’t confide in my parents or friends – they love my dog. Now, my dog is living with my parents. I didn’t feel like I could handle a newborn and my dog. I’m afraid that SS will find my dog annoying again and start hitting again. Secretly, I’m afraid he’ll do something to my baby too. And that’s why I won’t leave. If I do, I won’t know what’s going on in the household. DH knows that SS has issues, but is blinded by his love. He's so blind about a lot. He ignores most of the issues in the house.

The problem is me according to our marriage counselor, but I know it’s not all me. Although I try to act like things are fine, my parents came to help out with the baby and saw the household dynamics. They reiterated all my concerns. Plus, DH even thinks that maybe we need a different counselor even though the counselor sides with him.

DH is basically like a single father. I disengage more often now, so he is the one who has to deal with SS and SD. I feel like a single mother as well. I’ve got BS all day (one factor in me quitting my job to take care of the baby was my horrendous commute – I would have spent 2 hours a day just in traffic. I still have resentment about living in the outer suburbs). I also have BS a lot of evenings as DH is carting SS and SD to various appointments, events, and such. I feel down a lot. I don’t know if life would be better if I married someone without children, but I feel like it would have to be infinitely better than what I’m in now, right?!! But, now that I have BS (I love him more than anything) I won’t leave DH, at least until I can be certain that BS is safe in that household.

What's up with hitting the

What's up with hitting the dog? :jawdrop: Poor doggy! I'm glad you got the dog out of the situation. Perso I think it was the right thing to do because a newborn is far more defenseless than a dog. What an awful thing to have to worry about.

I feel you on feeling like a single parent. I sometimes reflect on the glorious days of being in a relationship but not living together. It seems like I got all he crap end of the stick and none of the benefits. My SO doesn't do a lot for my son, and I don't do for his either. It's odd to love each other but not be able to stand his kids.

I've seen though that my disengaging has forced SO into being more of a parent. He spends more time with his sons. They talk to him more and I think they like it that I butt out. But I dunno. I feel like a stranger in my own home when they're here, which is thankfully rarely.

Out of curiosity, why does your counselor think you're the problem? Is s/he one of those "one big happy blended family" people who are clueless???

I can't say that it has

I can't say that it has gotten any better. The kid still lies and doesn't do what she is told and my spouse looks the other way. There was a recent blow out, like an hour ago, where I was disrespected by my spouse in front of the SD and SD was told that she does not have to listen to me because I am not her parent! I think that pretty much ties my hands at this point.
She has had problems with learning and homework at school and we had a meeting at one point and my spouse was told that SD needs psychological help. That is pretty extreme for a school psychologist to say if there is really nothing there. My spouse blew them off and claims that it is all just a phase. The SD, I think, suffers from a dissociative disorder based on the fact that she gets in trouble for something and then just completely forgets about cause and effect or pretends like it didn't happen.
Going back to the school on my own to talk to them might not help if they don't really see any more disfunction at school ( her grades came up so I think she is okay). I told my spouse that I would really like to do this anyway and was told that if I do that social services will be called and they will be told of how "hard I am" on her.
I told my spouse to take the kid and move out if I am that toxic.
Any suggestions? Thanks!

I figured I should post an

I figured I should post an update. Things remain the same. Tense. I am trying to focus on myself and what I need. Forget about my spouse and the SD. But it is hard especially when I see the SD get so many free passes on things. The other night I told her to take out the trash and then I had to run an errand. When I got back SD was already asleep and yes...you guessed it...didn't take out the trash. My spouse's comment: " Well, she unloaded the dishwasher ( her already assigned DUTY....), isn't that enough? Why should she have to do everything!"
UGH.

My wife and i have been

My wife and i have been married 38 years,one son and 2 grandsons and we had a tough time for 3 years with just one son !!!!!!!!!!!
I can't imagine dealing with another persons kids and all the drama,b/s,etc.!!
Other family members have been married 2,3,and one 4 times with stepkids involved and I have no clue how they coped with all that !!
good luck to you all !!

I was about to buy a house

I was about to buy a house with my gf, but i am a dad of a 15m, she has no kids. I already see resentment in her. Reading this site has opened my eyes. I am starting to think a barren woman (had an abortion earlier in life, no kids) will never accept my son. Jesus im scared and rethinking things now :(. I love her so much, but my boy is first

Omg are you f****** serious

Omg are you f****** serious any MAN OR WOMAN even considering being with someone who has a child with someone else deserves a medal.

You chose to make it, she did not.
SHE MAKES A CONCIOUS DECISION EVERYDAY TO DEAL WITH IT.
There are so many kids out there that need to be adopted.. Most people don't want children that aren't a baby to adopt think about it.

Let me wake you up.
More than half the world don't adopt children by free will. Most people think they would never be able to even consider it.

Count your blessings.

"I love her so much, but my

"I love her so much, but my boy is first"

Don't date anyone until you are ready to put them first. I'm not saying your son shouldn't be your priority, I'm saying until he is grown and launched in life don't bring a woman into your world.

OMG, I am going through the

OMG, I am going through the exact same thing. I even told my hubby today that I think separating might be the only way I can get past his 3 kids. WE seem to have 2 sets of rules in our house: one for our joint child and one for his first 3. I do have another from a previous marriage but she's 20 and pretty much out on her own. I hate how frustrated I feel on the days they're to be with us. They do nothing, they eat me out of house and home and they expect everything while never giving in return. They antagonize my child and I'm sick of it. My hubby's ex doesn't work and plays the 'woe is me' card and the kids constantly side with her so I think my hubby is trying to over compensate but when he doesn't follow the rules, he opens up the flood gates to their doing what they want. WE have chats every 6 months or so and it's good for like a month but then he expects me to parent his kids which I don't do so if he doesn't and I don't: no one does.
Being a step mom is the worst job in the world if you ask me. I too have moved to the same city (an hour away from where I used to live) so he could be close to his kids because the ex refused to meet us half way. I feel like I have given up so much and nothing is reciprocated. I'm not sure if splitting up is the answer but it does seem that might be better. If all of us step moms feel the same: the steps are rude, disrespectful, lazy etc, then how come the bio mom's don't see it?? How come we all seem to pick the guys that have the wicked wierdo exes???
I am holding out because I absolutely love my hubby but i'm not sure how much more I can take. I have already begun going into the living room when they come over just to be away from them and I too am resentful and bitchy to everyone when they're here. WE clearly don't see eye to eye and half the issue is the psycho ex who makes the kids feel bad for her and makes them see that while we work for what we want, we are supposedly spoiled. I work hard for my money and if I want to go on vacation every year I'm entitled. I have never been given money by my parents, I have bought every thing I ever needed: the house is in my name, all the furniture was purchased by me, I have a great car, I travel once a year but it's because I was brought up to work for what I want and I am proud of what I have accomplished. If the ex wants to sit on her ass and let the government pay for her and then cry woe is me for not having enough money, that's her choice. It's not mine but it's also not my job to carry those kids and pay for stuff that their dad can't pay for because he's giving you child support that you spend on crap.
Like I said, it's the hardest and worst job in the world and I am holding out a few more years as they will hopefully decide not to come anymore when they reach the age that they are not forced. When I retire, they will not be in my life...I will be too busy enjoying it without them. That's a promise I make to myself. I apologize for going off your topic with my own but I do thank you for making me see it's not just me.

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Did you end your marriage because of Step Kid(s)?