So, you dislike and can't love a child that is not abject proof of your DH's idiocy of spawning with a toxic BM but love the child who is proof that your DH has crappy judgment in who he chooses to spawn with? Yep, that makes perfect sense in the insanity of Blended Family life.

SMH.

My SS-23 is not mine biologically but now he is mine officially. I am on his birth certificate because he chose for me to be his dad since that is what I am and have been since his mom and I married the week before he turned 2yo. I detest the entire Sperm Clan and what that shallow and polluted gene pool has put my family through. I detest the idiots in the Sperm Clan, I do not detest my Skid. Don't get me wrong. I would love it if SS had been my biospawn with my bride and that the shallow and polluted gene pool of the Sperm Clan was nowhere in the picture of our lives. However, I chose to be his dad anyway. See, love is a choice, love is action. Take the actions of love and the feelings will happen.

You have made a choice of how you "feel" about this little girl. The feelings are the result of your choice and your actions. Make a different choice and take different actions. Falling back on your feelings is complete bullshit and a cop out IMHO.

You are an adult. You choose to feel what you feel so stop it. Pull your head out of your ass. Put some brain time into the situation and make a different decision. Remember, this little girl is evidence of your DH's character. That he has chosen to make this little girl his own speaks volumes about him and his character that counters his choice to spawn with the BM that resulted in his son. Keep that in mind the next time you visit BOTH of your husband's children.

Time to grow up, put on your big girl pants, take responsibility for how you have chosen to treat this little girl, make a different choice, quit making excuses about your feelings, and be a viable adult of character worthy of a man who would make a fatherless little girl his own.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

I have to agree with Rags on this. I could understand feeling irritated with the child's behavior if she were an unruly, rude child, but nothing in your post indicates that. Dh doesn't pay support for the child. If anything it would seem that those once a month visits would be easier to handle with the two children having each other to play together.

There is a reason plenty of parents make sure they take along that extra kid. Sit in McDonalds and you will notice the only child is the one that constantly runs back to the grown ups wanting one on one attention.

I would resent that situation too if I were you but be glad DH isn't paying to support the SD and visits are only once a month. I have had SD12 for over 7 years full time and it's like living with and looking at BM every single day. Be glad--It could be so much worse!

It sucks to be "that" girl. I was the unknowing step daughter passed off as my step fathers bio but never adopted by him or told the truth. I was always treated differently, hated by my parents and never knew why. Only found out the truth after being placed in foster care after being abandoned by them.

I can see why you resent the situation, she's not yours, not DH's but everyones playing along to keep the status quo. Just imagine how that girl will feel when she eventually finds out the truth. DH is passing her off as his own her but she's clearly not as important since he didn't move to adopt, is not paying support and she won't be entitled to any inheritance when he passes. I'm sure DH treats her differently (even if subtly) than he does his bio son. She'll need her birth certificate soon enough for something, what then?

I personally would not be able to play the charade. I'd encourage DH to have a "Come to Jesus" meeting with BM and also something age appropriate for the girl. DH should not play the part unless he's going to go all in, meaning adopt and fully support this child.

Based on both of your posts (this one and Wednesdays), I have to ask why you chose to continue getting deeper into a relationship with a man you knew going in could never be the man you needed him to be? You don't believe in divorce, yet you selected a divorced man. You wanted your partner to share 'firsts' with you, yet you knew that wouldn't be happening with this man.

He had his children often when you started out, but you've managed to get it down to a visit a month. You said you wished neither child existed because it goes against all your beliefs. Now it's ultimatums on the little girl of her or me. If you're successful with that, it will soon be the little boy you'll desire to poof.

It's as if you seem to hope if you can just pretend his past doesn't exist, you can somehow turn him into the man you always wanted to find. Trouble with that is it won't be real. You can't recreate him. Yeah, you love him. But just seems to me that's a pretty selfish way to love someone. It's all about you. Your wants. Your needs. Your feelings. You. You. You.

No, I don't think you're a rotten person. I do think however that you need to move on and actually find the man you always dreamed of. He's out there somewhere. This current relationship isn't going to end well for either you or this man in the long run. There's nothing wrong in wanting a man who will share all those 'firsts' and experience all those things together you personal beliefs hold... but it isn't going to happen with this man.

You don't have to love her, any more than any of us have to love our steps, but if you want to continue the relationship with him, I think you need to come to terms with and accept the fact that HE does love her as his daughter. Biology isn't everything. Try thinking of her as his daughter instead of his ex wife's kid. I do believe you can change your mindset and heart if you really want to.

I do wonder how they plan to proceed. Do they ever plan on telling the girl?

My DH was the step father to BM's son and DH had raised him as his own since infancy. He would have continued to have a father/son relationship with him if BM had not selfishly destroyed that relationship. BM told her son in anger that DH was not his father, which in turn made her son angry and resentful, it was a mess and pretty much severed the bond.

My step situation is similar to yours. Biologically, SS38 is DH's nephew. When we met, he was 6. My DH is very much a father figure to him, and we're there for all his milestones. He even came and lived with us, several times. I'm going to say the words every stepparent hates to hear, but it's the cold hard truth- you knew the situation when you got into this relationship. So did I. Unwad your underwear and suck it up, or leave the relationship. Like my SS, that poor little girl didn't ask to be born. It can be a hard pill to swallow, I know, believe me I KNOW, but tough shit. Life isn't always easy, or fair.

I cannot imagine what you're going through. You have it rough right now. No way in hell could I have accepted baby mama's kid if the kid wasn't kin to the man I love. I can understand why you would feel the way you do. It’s like he’s doing a favor for BM. Taking HER kid for the weekend. Keeping up HER lie. Erasing HER errors in judgment. Yeah he agreed to it when they were together, but after the breakup, taking care of the little girl would look like he was supporting his ex.

My SO’s BM has 3 other kids by 3 other baby daddies. I’m trying to wrap my mind around having to be around one of those kids. Nope. I couldn't do it. I wouldn't play happy family with that child (at least not until our relationship matured). How long have you two been together?

You really don't have to go on these visits... you can totally opt out. Nothing wrong with that. In fact, I think you would be wise to stay home until you sort out your feelings. Honestly, if you opt out now and don’t try to "blend" with them, you might come to accept the situation better later.

This works for me… when I really am angry, upset, or frustrated with something, the worst thing I can do is try to change my feelings about it. Way too much resistance. I find that my feelings naturally change when I shift my mind to other things that make me happy. What you focus on you get more of, right? So take your focus off of this negative, deceitful, yucky situation for a while. Focus on your marriage. Focus on your hobbies. Your friends. Focus on what you love! There is no rule that says you have to go “all in” with the stepmother role. Sloooooow doooooown.

I couldn't stand SO's kids at first. Wanted 'em gone. Wished they were never born. I felt like I was "supposed to" love them… like I was a bitch if I didn’t accept the situation “as is”. Even though they behaved like hellions… even though my man turned to jelly when they were around… and even though BM was giving us nothing but problems, I was obligated to love his package deal.

Turns out, I did NOT need to accept a bullshit situation that my man created and continued. I needed to turn away from it. I needed to get excited about something ELSE in my life. Only then was I able to find the love in my heart to embrace the gift I was being presented. Gifts don’t always come wrapped in bows. You may not be able to stand that little girl now (rightfully so!), but her presence in your life may become a very special blessing to you in some way… years down the road. Just don’t beat yourself up about not feeling that way right now. You have all the time in the world and situations DO shift. No need for ultimatums.

Opt out of the family festivities until you’re ready. There is no pressure for you to help your man continue his charade.

I think it says a lot for your SO's character that he is willing to raise the child as his own. However, the child should know the truth, as should her biological father. Your SO can still be involved in her life if he wishes.

I think I know what's going on here with you. It's not because it's not his child But, a child that isn't his but being forced by guilt that he should step up to the plate of being a dad because 'it's not fair' that one child gets to have a mommy and daddy and the other doesn't. Therefore he has this guilt trip bestowed upon him by BM that this poor baby has to watch it's sibling get the best of life and she doesn't. It's hard on you as a new wife because you are the audience watching a movie unfold infront of your eyes but you are strapped in the seat. You would love to cut the strings from the puppeteers hands and free the puppet but you can not right now until you figure it out. Let me tell you, if you are going to be in the picture show and feel the way you do now, you need to cut those strings now! That child is very young and as she grows she is going to hate you regardless of how you try to treat her good. No body hates a child from the beginning, it forms into hate because we as woman do not fit into the equation. You need to tell your husband to pick a wife because that's what he is Doing, having two families. As far as the child's feelings. Him being a dad married to a different lady other than her BM doesn't work. I tell you from experience. It is not healthy on that child or your marriage. You either remove yourself now or keep going the way ya'll are all going and that child's life will get complicated for her own well being. Not to mention, the bio sons life will get complicated too because he will have guilt put upon his head by his sister and BM and he will get deprived. People need to quit brain washing their kids and tell them the truth and let them figure it out as they grow. The world has to many concrete babies in it now.

As far as paternity tests are concern, if my ass had to pay I would want the results. I would go down there and be demanding for what my money paid for! The courts made him pay right, like 700.00 or more? Usually when paternity tests are done the attorneys call their clients and let them know the results. Don't let this bitch BM run The show. You're gonna be with this man and he is apart of your life..get your paper work because the moment a accident happens and if he falls upon death, you better believe your gonna have a vulture pecking on you.

Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. My spouse's ex had a son before they met and he came into the picture when he was 3ish. They went on to have two daughters together also. When they divorced he felt like this boy was like his son/own child.

BM used it to her advantage.. When we got the girls for visitation he tried to get this kid to come along also. I personally didn't mind as it's just one more to add and he was the oldest at 10 years old. Kid expressed to his face one time that he wasn't his Dad and he didn't want to go. He came a whole 3 times for visitations and he was more so used as a spying tool for his Mother whom is high conflict.

The situation fixed itself though the last time he came with his sisters. The kids were playing with playdoh in the kitchen at the table. I caught them throwing it around so promptly told them to knock it off 1-2 times. Every other kid stopped and he continued to throw it across my kitchen. I sat there and watched him for 5 mins longer just to confirm. Finally I had enough and calmly walked in before I told him to clean up his mess and pick up what he was playing with and since he couldn't listen he could wait in the bedroom until we left. (We were about to bring them back home) Apparently while he was in the bedroom he thought it was a good idea to shove a monster truck into his shorts pocket and try to get away with stealing it from my 3 year old son. Thankfully we noticed it but he went back and tattled to BM who flew off the handle and now since her precious snowflake got talked to sternly he's not allowed to return. How dare we discipline her lying and thief son whom has that rep from various babysitters and family members. He has a bright future ahead of him and it's not MY problem.

Spouse pretty much cut ties and realized he was living a fantasy. Step relationships don't usually continue after divorce IMO. It usually staggers off at some point. I think one of the eye openers was when his 5 year old daughter told us that her brother couldn't come anymore because 1. I fussed at him and 2. because Mommy didn't want him coming over and telling us all her business because he talks too much.

Your DH has CHOSEN to be this child's father. Kudos to him.

My DH chose to father a child who is not his biological son. I have much admiration for him for doing so.

My brother and his wife chose to parent 2 children who are not their biological children.

My sister and her husband chose to parent FOUR children who are not their biological children.

It is possible for people to love and be a parent to children who are not biologically theirs. They are children of the heart.