These feelings are all common. It takes an incredibly strong woman to work through these feelings...even in the best situations. I have felt everything that you describe and then some...and I have a good relationship with 2/3 skids. Still wish they weren't in my life at times.

Going to be very honest here. I went into this situation expecting to just adore the kids and for us to all be one big, happy family...and I was unpleasantly surprised when these feelings started surfacing. I've always been great with kids...oldest of 6, nieces and nephews I adore...former teacher. So I was really shocked when I started resenting the skids.

It may be that you have a leg up since you've recognized these feelings early. You can either 1.) RUN AWAY FAST!!! Or 2.) Set some good boundaries that will help your marriage survive.

Consider things like...how will you spend your money on skids? Will you spend any or will it be all on your DH? How will you handle holidays? Are you ever willing to spend time with the skids while your husband is gone? How will you set up your finances and wills so your future bio-kids are protected? How will you handle interactions with the BM? How will you handle scheduling? What are the non-negotiables for child behavior in your home? How will you handle discipline? (Let him do it!!!)

There are hundreds of other things to consider, but these are a few that have surfaced and re-surfaced during my five-year marriage. I remember how shocked and resentful I felt the first time DH left me at home all day with his three kids without asking during his weekend because he had work to do...or the first time he rescheduled kids to get an extra day without asking me...or how strange it's been to feel like he always gets "first dibs" on holiday plans bc of the kids...or how much resentment I felt the first time he used "my" money on something unnecessary for one of the skids. Because I was expecting it all to be easy...I hadn't set up any boundaries...and these are all areas that have had to be addressed and re-negotiated during our marriage. Fortunately, my husband has (mostly) understood and (mostly) been supportive. And I do like the kids...just resent the finances and the intrusion at times.

I say go to your fiancé to discuss some of these issues and see how supportive he is. The fact is, you're an equal partner in the marriage...but marrying a man with kids can make you feel decidedly like a second-class citizen. Don't let that happen.

Of course you wish his kids never existed. That's a normal reaction. The only reason that I am sort of okay that SS30 exists is that DH got snipped 2 weeks after finding out that BM was knocked up (they had been divorced for years but slept together and produced the cretin). So that meant that DH did not have children with wife #2 - who truly is the most disgusting person ever. Since he never succumbed to her pleading to have the V reversed we do not have to have anything to do with her.

I truly do understand how you feel. I personally could have never married a man with minor children. I would go batshit crazy having to help raise rug rats that I did not produce. And I love children. I was always having my friends' children over for overnights, etc. But it's totally different what you volunteer to do vs what is foisted upon you.

My SS was in his 20s when I met DH. It PISSED me off royally that somehow this worthless POS was impacting MY life. I was not the asshole (BM and DH both) who had sex with no BC and produced this bastard. So I did not give a shit if he was homeless. If BM didn't care why should I?

I don't really have any advice for you though. Your soon to be DH does have a child. No denying that. The one that is not his - well not your problem nor his. No reason that you have to tolerate anything for this random child. But your DH does need to support the child he produced. Let him go visit the child without you if you don't want to go. But make sure he is not visiting the child's mother on these visits.

It's really not important that you have his first child or that you are his first wife. Forget that. If you can't forget that - then move on to someone who has not been married before. It's the PRESENT that matters - not what he's been through before.

this situation will make you old before your years. not a good fit, and I do not believe a woman who has never married before should EVER marry a divorced man with kids. sooooo unfair to her. she will never have her firsts. however, if you're bound and determined to go through with this, you and he will have to compromise. yes, you are going to HAVE to accept the fact he has kids and a certain amount of time and money is going to have to go to flow in that direction. it's a obligation of his that you are have to be WILLING to take on. he didn't know you were coming into his life at the time. on the other hand, he has to be willing to have firm boundaries, consult with YOU when it comes to his kids and take your feelings into consideration. he has to make sure you and your marriage is his first priority, but he has to be there for his kids fairly consistently. communication with his ex will have to minimal and simply a transfer of information. he'll have to make sure his ex understands that if it weren't for the kids, he'd never speak to her again. he'll have to understand that there will be no extras for the kids above child support UNLESS his obligations to your marriage are taken care of (his full share of the bills, retirement, marital savings). he'll have to understand that if his obligations to you and his marriage are not fulfilled that he will have to work 2 jobs to cover the gap. same goes for junior playing football if he can't afford it. you have to realize that you will NOT have his full attention (especially with him working all the time), but that is the deal if you marry him.

I've seen a relationship end because the fiance didn't like the girls cat. If you already want his kids to disappear then you're in for a long road of misery. OP, think long and hard about this. Please do not rush into marriage and having your own child thinking it will magically fix all this. It is not "old fashioned" to be the 2nd wife and take on a skid and one that's not even his. You're biting off more than you can chew. Call it a wrap and let it go.

I am no in exactly the same situation, but somewhat similar. My husband has a daughter from a previous marriage who just turned 18 a few days ago. She lies with us and he raised her (mother is out of the picture). And the problem is that the girl had lots of issues growing up health-wise and for a while everyone thought she was developmentally delayed. She had horrific ear infections that caused hearing loss and impacted her speech and social learning early on in life...many things. She made a lot of progress and is high school now and although she takes the easiest classes possible, she is doing okay in school. So she is definitely intelligent, she is healthy physically, but she has social issues (aka basically no friends, doesn't know how to hold a conversation with anyone, never really talks and when asked something give one word answers). She is nice and not troubled like some kids her age are. BUT! First of all I did not raise her and was not there through all of her issues. What I see is that my husband and his mother (the daughters grandmother) NEVER expected anything from the girl, so she literally has no ability to think of others even with little things (like you must tell her to feed the cats because she won't think of doing it and the cats would probably die of starvation around her - that is just one minor example). She has zero ability or knowledge how to clean the house. Like literally if i was to have any desire to teach her how to clean a bathroom i would have to tell her how many paper towels to use and how much cleaning solution because otherwise she would use the whole thing. And the list goes on and on. I am now 8 month pregnant and I can't even begin to tell you how much it irritates me that somehow it is okay if I with my huge belly cook and clean and do laundry (i never do hers tho) while she is not ever expected to do anything. I tried to talk to my husband about it but he either puts the responsibility of telling her what to do on me or just brushes it off. I don't feel like it is my responsibility to tell her. She is an adult child that is not mine. So ... yeah I feel ya. I don't think that what me and my husband have is the same as what he had 18 years ago when he was married. He married very young because she got pregnant. Just like your husband he is not even sure this girl is his but he never did any tests and when the mother started acting like a horrible mother, he got a custody of his daughter. Their marriage did not last long. I think and hope that my husband married me for very different reasons, he is older now than he was. He has been single for a while and I hope that by now he already knew what he was looking for. I do think and hope that our child will be very different than his older daughter. I am also nothing like his first wife. So i don't necessarily feel like you do in regards of my husband having all the previous experiences EXCEPT the very experience of already being a father. And what I mean by that is that when someone has kids already those kids are always first for them. No matter how bad those kids might be, how many issues they have etc. I do feel like I come second to his daughter. That if she does something wrong, he always remembers her as a little baby and how much health issues she had etc. and he feels all that love for her and feels sorry for her and does and always will forgive anything and everything for her. But his love for me is completely different and surely I will not be as easily forgiven nor is his expectations for me as as low as for his own adult daughter. Of course he expects me to participate in the family life and in our household to a full extent etc. And I sometimes wonder how is it okay in his eyes to NOT tell his daughter "go clean the kitchen coz your stepmom is pregnant and she needs rest"? And that makes me sad sometimes. And I do get irritated at his daughter a lot. I never show it and i am always nice to her, but I have exploded a couple of times and told him how i felt. Only it did not help. He only gets upset with me.

Anyways...I completely understand your feelings dear author. The positives (although it may be negatives too) is that your husbands children do have a mother and they don't stay with you all all the time. Also if they are younger then there is a chance for you to at least have some authority and be able to tell them "no you can't do this in this house" or 'i don't appreciate your tone of voice" or "when you come here you need to clean up your toys". Those are the things you can't say to a child who is actually an adult already and you are nobody to them. Have been and will be. I have no advice for you except that if you marry him, somehow develop a different attitude about the kids. Like...let him just deal with it while you are just living your own life. It is very difficult, but otherwise you will be driving yourself nuts like many parents on this forum