Biodads, guilt & overindulgence...
Does anybody else speculate that her husband is overindulgent with his kid(s) because he feels some guilt over not being the full-time parent?
My wonderful SS is only 4 and there are times when I think he should be disciplined a little more harshly--I DON'T MEAN SPANKING OR BEATING!!!-- than my husband does. If my husband corrects SS for some bad behavior, I feel like he then tries to "make up" to SS too soon with hugs and "Daddy loves you" and tickling to make SS giggle. I think SS is getting old enough to handle a little more time with Daddy being unhappy with him so that he can learn, "If I do something bad, Daddy won't like it." I don't see what good it does to correct a kid and 30 seconds later be all "it's OK" with him. How's he going to learn? I feel like he's learning now that, "If I cry, Daddy will just say it's all right."
Before anybody lashes out at me, I have to say that I'm the youngest of 8 kids and the child of older parents. I wasn't really allowed to act like a little kid when I was one. I became an aunt for the first time when I was 5 and I was expected to make room for the babies that started coming and be a big girl. So, no, maybe I'm not the most sympathetic person when it comes to this...
Anyway, I'd love any opinions on this... especially from stepmoms who've seen the same kind of thing and felt the need to keep their mouths shut to keep the peace. Thanks!
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My husband is the full-time bioparent
Even though my husband is the full time bioparent, he still would be over indulgent. He would say something like, you're getting no dessert unless you eat your supper. Then magically even though they never even ate half their meal, he would give them dessert. I stopped that but fast.
He does it on big things too. SS19, when he was 18, wanted a car, I said save your money for a downpayment then get a loan, on your own. My husband totally agreed with me. Then SS tried again around Christmas last year & don't you know my husband co-signed. Then SS19 defaulted on a payment or two. SS blew through $8,000 that he netted through 6 months work & maxed out his credit card to the tune of $2,600. All he needs in his account for a car payment is $103 biweekly.
I know what you mean about how quickly they figure out that crying is an easy way out of any situation with Dad. That will be the childs easy out card till the end of time.
My final note is I HATE being tickled when I'm angry or upset. Talk about crossing the line, I mean I could come out swinging.
Defensive husband?
Sherrylyn:
Does/did your husband ever get defensive when you put a stop to things like the kids getting dessert when their dad told them they couldn't have it? I adore my husband and he's USUALLY a very reasonable man. When it comes to that little boy, however, I sometimes wonder what he's thinking. It's OK for him to correct the boy but I get told that I'm too harsh or too negative. I can't win because if/when I withdraw from some involvment with him, I hear, "You're not involved enough. It's like you see him as a burden."
Guess I'd like to know how your husband reacted when you piped up. Thanks!
overindulgent indeed!
My husband is the same way-read my blog. It drives me nuts!
He was pretty good
I really couldn't complain about how he reacts when I reign him in. At first, very early in the relationship, he would get slightly miffed. As things progressed I was able to point out why it was & is a poor way to go about things. Actually when we first started seeing each other I told him that if he was looking for someone who fluttered her eyelashes & said yes dear that he had the wrong person.
Now the car thing that I mentioned is something that he wants to do because that is how his parents did things. Give them a chance to prove themselves, but it is unlikely that SS19 will get that chance again. SS17 still will be afforded that at least once.
Maybe you should bring up
Maybe you should bring up that topic w/your husband. That he is not disciplining the child the right way and let him get away w/things. Explain to him that discipline at a young age is very important for the child to grow up as a mature, well mannered individual. Suggest a few way of discipline and consequences, maybe husband does not know what to do.
My husgand is a big mushball where his kids are...
concerned. We have our own child now and I keep telling him that it is very important for him to establish rules in the house that are followed by all of the children. He is so concerned that his kids aren't going to like him anymore if he disciplines them. The X also thinks she actually gets a say in what goes on at our house and routinely threatens us with court or Child protective services. As if she was worthy of the title of "mom" in the first place...but that is another story. Essentially, I am the warden at the house for everyone - although I never touch the children as their punishment. I just find the thing that they hate the most to do and then make that their punishment. The reality is that this is the most effective deterrent to date and still works. I will do the same for mine when they are older - but you can't have rules for one group that are different from the other. That will easily come back to bite you...