Hi all, Im a 46 year unmarried woman living with a man who has three adult daughters. Two of them are really nice and not intimidated by me and living their own lives happily. They like me and I them. The youngest daughter who is 28 started off liking me and I tried really hard to be friendly and kind and mostly succeeded. The man I live with is ten years older than me and has a history of alchoholism and depression so Im guessing their family lives would not have been very happy back then. Most alcoholics create anxiety and worry for their children, mostly its not a very happy house in my experience.

Anyway, he mostly stays sober but last year after three years of drinking that was mostly in control, over about 6-10 months it spiralled out of control and he went into private rehab and dried out. I drink alcohol but not regularly so Im not an addict.

Anyway, it was pretty traumatic as he had to get arrested before he went into the hospital mostly for being an arsehole while drunk. Most people are arseholes when they are drunk. I had to tell his daughters he was in hospital and I thought they would want to know. But they didn't want to know. They were angry for being told and were angry with me. His entire family just didn't want to know about it and were angry with me for telling them. I think it was just too hard for them to deal with. So I dealt with it on my own with my friends and family. He was arrested for harassing me for 48 hours drunk.

That was a year ago and he still attends hospital rehab every week. Since then, the youngest daughter wont speak to me or look at me or acknowledge anything I say unless she cant escape it. She is rude and angry and puts my ideas down. She makes jokes that I should be bashed and have violence upon me. She thinks its a joke but it hurts my feelings.

Also, I have been very unwell from meningitis three years ago and had to stop work and go into hospital off and on. I am getting better but I am a vulnerable person who has been critically unwell so I don't need jokes about being bashed. Also, I am actually committed to peace in my life and from that I will not waver.

So after a year of this from the girl, I have decided that I don't want to see her anymore. I wish her no harm and I really want him and her to be happy and see each other. I have decided rather than conflict, I want to be left out of it. He is trying to work out what that means and has accepted I don't want to see her anymore. She is having a baby now and he will need to spend more time with her which I think is a good thing. He has to let me do it this way because he has fear of confronting her and doesn't know how to talk to her about this as she is quite aggressive angry person.

I did be nice to her and friendly and gave her some things I made last time I saw her. She ignored me and left them behind at a house. I realized I was playing a weird dynamic, where I try to appeal to her and her game is to ignore it. Its a game. Thats when I realized I have to pull out.

I told him I was happy to tell her why I didnt want to be involved anymore if she would like to know. The reason is, in the past during my family life as a teenager and young woman, I was ignored and ostrasized by my father and stepmother. My real mum died of cancer when I was a child. Me and my biological sister grew up in an apartment in the back of the house from 14 and 15 years onwards on our own. My own family left the city and moved away when I was 17 and me and my sister lived alone in the city for years and years and relied on each other. My mums family lived 2000km away. I had a lonely and yet interesting time during this period.
I made lots of friends and they were my family.

So, having been made an outsider before, its had a deep effect on me. I have often felt uncomfortable around normal happy families as I have never felt that was something I could be part of. I have just not had that experience as a young person. consequently, I have made lots of progress and accepted my dad and stepmother and her kids. I have had the hard conversations with them, told them what it meant to me to be alone, and apologised for being mean as a teenager. We have made our peace. We are all friends with each other. I will never be a really valued member of my fathers second family, but I am ok with this. You see, I have overcome it.
So that's the past, the outsider, the other, the ostrasized people. And I have made my peace with these people, gotten over it and its in the past. The scars run deep but that's life.

What I will not do, is let a new person in who is determined to 'other'me, who is going to start it all up and again and ignore me and be determined to act like I'm nothing. That part of my life is gone forever and its never coming back. And if anyone ANYONE wants to reintroduce that element into my life, then I am walking away. I don't want revenge, I don't want to engage, I don't want to fix it and stress out. I just want to walk peacefully away and be with people who are cool. Who are kind and committed to spiritual life. Who know that life's short. Don't create dramas you don't need. That thing about ignoring people is my Achilles heel. Its one thing that will upset me. That and bullying. My close sister who I experienced my younger life with is dead. She died of cancer five years ago and I just dont have the heart to fight the fight with this bitchy step daughter anymore. Six years ago I may have bought the fight to her door, but without my sister as support I cannot spend the energy. I am wise, and I know not to.

So he can go and see his daughter whenever he likes, she can come here whenever she likes. I just don't want to be here and I am very happy to vacate. If you haven't guessed, I am an adventurous person who can be on my own and rarely bored.

Me and a friend plan to walk to base camp MT Everest Nepal the month the daughters baby is due. We'd planned it before she got pregnant. My partner wants ME to be here when she has the baby so I can share the ...ummm..joy? I said no. He doesnt want me to go. I feel I am allowed to go for three weeks. This could be war.

I just dont see why someone who doenst like me can prevent me from going on an adventure to MT Everest? WTF?

We are meant to be getting married at some point, me and him. Ive been delaying it because Im not sure I want to be legally connected to someone like her. I think I should stay free. I still love him (I think) but this shit sure makes me reflect on the relationship with him and go...'hmmmm how much is this worth to me?'
What does anyone think?

Have you people had to disengage for your own sanity and if so, how did it go?Does it work? Can you keep the relationship with a man alive with this highly compartmentalised life?