Secret vent
Mad about dumb things but too embarrassed to say it out loud....I've been with my husband 5 years. He broke up with his ex whom he never married 8 years ago. They have 2 boys together. Before actually breaking up he heard rumors of his ex cheating which in a short time she confirmed it was true by kicking him out and 2 months later moving the new man in. I'll admit it at the time he was dumb, he didn't know his rights and no one around him defended him or tried to push him towards a lawyer. He just assumed mothers law get the children and when she said 25% of income he did weekly. No court orders. He saw them 2 days a week on days she told him and he always listened. 3 years later he met me. I remember when we first were dating I overheard him talking to her on the phone kissing ass I remember it sounded like. After some time the schedule turned into every other weekend and on several occasions (when I was around ) she would cancel his weekends because her boyfriend and the kids made plans. Eventually I pushed him to get legal visitation and that lead to child support payments as it should have been along. His lawyer said since its been so long with kids I her care unless change of circumstance, or proof of unfit parenting it would be doubtful to get 50/50 so he now hasEvery other weekend and one day a week. Any way I don't know why from time to time when I hear the kids say my mom's boyfriend and mom have been together over 8 years! Idk y it bothers me how quickly he was replaced and treated like crap and the world thinks he's dad. He got all this extra time with the kids my husband should have got. My husband says nothing about and again this is something I would never say out loud in fear of friends judgement but why does it bother me? It Is what it Is now and nothing can change it. I know his ex collected over 13000 (child support plus tax refunds ) each year they weren't together and never once let him claim them. The greed and knowing he lived in such a shit apt be for meeting me. He said for years he could never afford bday or xmas gifts so his father would buy and label them from dad. I know my his hides his feelings and know he doesn't like to talk about his past by i hurt for his past and try to do anything to make him happy. We are all on good terms now a days (well except the boyfriend and my dh- they are on ok terms but not great ). I know the past Is the past and I shouldn't matter anymore but from time to time when i hear the kids talk about the boyfriend all this comes back into my head again....
Yea Maybe your right. In my
Yea Maybe your right. In my head I started to blame his family or friends for never encouraging him to fight it or maybe they did and he didn't act on it. He did say he just didn't want trouble and people told him to just let her do what she wants. A push over. He is like that still today. I literally made him get legalized visitation rights, not because he didn't care but maybe avoids conflict. I don't know your right though. I guess it just makes me sad this boyfriend has seen them grow up more than him.
My husband was like that too.
My husband was like that too. He would try so hard to avoid conflict. It really got him trouble b they had joint custody and she told him she was going to have her more than him. Told him this, not asked. And he agreed bc he thought she would make his life hell if he didnt. I havent read all the comments so i dont know if u address this already, but do u think maybe u are disappounted with him and not so much them? For me, i found i was disappointed with my DH for allowing his ex to push him around. I eventually put a stop to it and that really pissed her off but it got him to stand up for himself. I wouldnt recommend doing anything to rock the boat if all is going well. I am just saying i eventually had to intervene bc honestly it was just sad to witness. I was told i should have just stayed out of it and let it go and they are probably right but thats very difficult when u watch your love being stepped on. Yours might be a little like mine. I had to make him get his rights too and he is happier bc of it. I know it sucks to feel like not only did they get away with screwing over your husband but also the children adore him and have no idea what he did or it just doesnt matter and thats good but still stings.
I think also he said he
I think also he said he feared never seeing them again as she threatened. Instead of looking this up he just listened to her. I know him or his family didn't have any money for a lawyer. I get what your saying but I think fear drove him to do what she wanted.
My husband and his ex-
My husband and his ex- actually had the same lawyer. Ha! She got a divorce lawyer first, the lawyer drew up the papers, and then DH was told by __? that if he was okay with everything, he could just use her laywer. Of course, she got everything, and literally everthing. He didn't even get so much as a bicyle from the home, so also a crappy apt. situation for him, until we married. I'm sure he had to give the laywer some of his money, even. I actually think it was unethical of the lawyer to imply or agree to such. Both his ex- and her lawyer knew how to use daddy-guilt to their advantage, it appears. Although, in hindsight it could have been his ex- claiming to her lawyer that they were both okay with it and then telling him it was the lawyer's idea. YES, men, get your OWN laywer, period. I know neither your DH nor mine were stupid, but ex'es and others in the divorce industry know how to use daddy-guilt to their advantage. In my case, tho., I did just tell him it was his own fault and left it at that. The divorce papers were already drawn up long since I came along.
Unfortunately, too, that is usually the case where BM will promote her BF, etc. as a replacement dad to the kids, and, like you say, she has an incredible amount of influence on them and they go for it. MEANWHILE, BM may be promoting dad's new wife as inconsequential, you-don't-have-to-listen-to-her, and so on, and may even refer to bio-dad as wothless as well. It is very sad. Kids don't know any better--they just listen to mom. You only can hope that once they are adults, they will somehow get it. Some do, and some don't. Just make sure your DH is clarifying to them that he is their dad and his wife is his wife and should be repected as such. He needs to be VERY proactive. Divorce is usually a lose-lose for men, and they know this, and this is why a lot of times women can even cheat on these guys, and they'll put up with it until the woman files for divorce. Fear and guilt, even tho. it may be through no fault of their own, follows these men for years. And, when they get remarried, their wives have to contend with this. Not easy at all.
Similar situation happened to
Similar situation happened to my DH too, BM was cheating with her boyfriend for at least 2 years before DH filed for divorce, HOWEVER. He was very suspicious about her having a boyfriend, and that's she would lie that she was going here and there but actually spending time with BF while they were married, but he did nothing to prove it because his kids were VERY young and he just wanted to be with his kids and make it look like a normal family for them, despite her actions.
After he filed he moved out on a Friday before she got home from work, and the BF moved in that same Friday after she got home from work despite a CO stating no co-inhabitants till the divorce was final.
Sometimes the DH knows what is happening but chooses to ignore it for the sake of their kids.
You bring up a good point, I
You bring up a good point, I love my husband but sometimes I wish I could ask her the side of her story as there is always 2 sides. It's irrelevant now.