SS22 moved back in...again
I am at an age old stand-still with DH...
(we have been together for over 16 years and have a BD13 together). I have been "co-raising" SS (now 22) since he was 6
SS22 has moved back in with us (in March) for the second time since he graduated HS. He has been going to college but is not currently. He does have a job, pays us for his cell phone and car insurance but that's about it.
DH made an agreement (with my blessing) that he did not have to pay us rent, in lieu of rent money, he give us at least $100/month to add to his college savings so he can continue with his degree. He has paid us that amount ONCE since March. A few months ago, he went on a shopping spree and spent an exuberant amount on clothes and shoes only to have his beater car die on him a few days later....what does Daddy do? Tells me we have to loan him money for a new car....WHAT? I threw a fit to DH. WHen I do this DH lays a guilt trip on me and threatens me that if we don't help him, he will never be able to move out or out on the streets if we kick him out. We ended up selling him DH's car (we gave him a VERY good deal on it) and DH got a newer car. SS made a down payment to us and a second payment but still owes us a few thousand dollars (I drew up a bill of sale) and everyone signed it. He has not paid us a dime for 6 weeks. He goes out with his buddies, goes away for the weekend, smokes weed, buys stuff online, shops, etc. He contributes nothing to our household (financial or chores) - he eats the food and has the gaul to drink our beer! I leave notes on items (petty, yes, but I have to do it if I don't want the things I buy to disappear). He pays for absolutely nothing, household wise (laundry detergent, toilet paper for his bathroom, etc, etc, etc), he only buys his personal care items. He sits on his butt while I am cleaning or DH is mowing the lawn, does not offer to help. If I ask him to do something, he will some of the time but not always.
I feel like all of us, including our BD13, are contributing to the housework except for him. I used the discipline him and give him chores but now that he is an "adult" I don't know how to handle these matters. I have just given up. DH seems complacent about the whole thing. He says that SS "wants more than anything to move out but can't afford how expensive rent is". WHY would he want to move out when he is living like an adult (comes and goes as he pleases, does not check-in, etc) but gets everything for free??? He does not hold SS accountable for the money he owes us and every time I try to discuss it with DH, he gets defensive. He tells me to handle it and tell SS, but without his DH's back-up, it is hard for me to stand up.
I am angry at DH for his passiveness, being defensive and the age-old issue we have that he WILL NOT sit down with me and SS to discuss anything serious. He just wont and the very few times over the last 16 years he actually has, he throws me under the bus and acts almost apologetic to SS. I am not out to get SS! I have done sooo much for him and been more of a mom to him than his mom could ever hope to be. DH, supposedly, discusses these matters with SS but I am never around to witness it and I'm never informed when it happens.
I am angry at myself for not taking my power in this situation. I just don't know how to do it without it causing a rift in my family (I fear that if I confront my SS he will hate me and in turn effect my relationship with my DH and my own BD). Does anyone else feel this way? I don't want to be the evil stepmother. I have been a great parent to him - he has given me cards expressing this...
DH and I got into yet another argument 3 days ago and not speaking...it's not mature, I realize and nothing ever really gets resolved - one of us will eventually crack and we make up and talk, but nothing ever really changes.
I just don't know what to do anymore.
" just don't know how to do
" just don't know how to do it without it causing a rift in my family (I fear that if I confront my SS he will hate me and in turn effect my relationship with my DH and my own BD"
If you want a change you will have to create a rift, that's just how the universe works. Yes SS will hate you, but right now he is using you, DH and BD so there's not much difference. You and DH will fight, oh well, aren't you fighting now? I dealt with this with ss30, had to risk losing my marriage, home and walking away from it all. I told DH that I married him not ss30 and did not want to live indefinitely with ss30 whenever he was once again homeless. ss22 will be so much better off if he is allowed to grow up.
I'd rather that my SS hate me
I'd rather that my SS hate me than for me to hate myself for being a spineless doormat.
You are not doing him any favors by allowing him to remain a man-baby.
Thanks for the feedback
Thanks for the feedback
You need to figure out your
You need to figure out your bottom line. Are you ok with him living there if he pays his debts to you? Does chores? For how long? Clear rules, clear consequences, and then follow through. The follow through MUST happen--no begging, whining, second chances, I really really mean it this time for sure, no kidding, I swear, I promise silliness.
And you'll have to be the one to tell him since your DH obviously won't. It's your house too. You have more power than he does, and don't let him take it from you.
But you will have to be willing to risk losing DH over this. But honestly, if he prefers to live with his grown son rather than you? I'd say bye bye, hard as that will be.
In current circumstance, you are teaching your BD that you can be used and abused. This is not the role model you want to be, right?
Wow, I didn't think there
Wow, I didn't think there were so many step parents dealing with situations similar to mine. I married my husband 17 yrs ago. Both of us were divorced. He has a daughter(33) & son(30). I have 2 sons(28&30). When we got married his ex had custody of his children, they would visit every other weekend. Even back then his son was undisciplined. Now this stepson, called out of the blue & asked if he could move in. Found out later that he was using drugs & stealing from his BM. So she conveniently shipped him to us. The problem now is that since SS moved in he's been disrespectful,rude & just obnoxious. I don't think he's even looking for a job ( which we set as a stipulation). He answers his Dad's by yelling & using just about every vulgar word u can think of. He watches tv or is online all night. Then sleeps all day. He doesn't take care of his personal hygiene. I can count the # of times he's bathed & brushed his teeth in one hand for the past 2 months. Finally I decided to leave my house. I'm a recovering alcoholic & addict & the last week I was at home, I kept having drinking & using nightmares. So I followed my sponsor's advice & had to physically distance myself. I hope I did the right thing. Only time will tell. I believe my SS was enabled by his BM. He had lived with us b4, but when both my son & SS started using drugs & stealing, they were kicked out. SS BM said we were mistreating him & didn't believe he was stealing & using drugs. I wish there were easy solutions to this situation.
"I didn't think there were so
"I didn't think there were so many step parents dealing with situations similar to mine"
Welcome to the club!
HI - I haven' been on the
HI - I haven' been on the site in a while. I guess it was hard to hear the advice people gave me and I felt/feel like a coward. I have done a few things to change the situation but am still pretty unhappy and want SS to move out. I am biding my time. I have brought it up to DH several times that we need to give SS a deadline and DH just defends him and says he can't afford it. I just keep to myself and spend time with my BD and DH.
Helpless sm - I hope your situation works out. I think you taking some time to yourself was a good idea.
Hey, Peaches ... you are not
Hey, Peaches ... you are not a coward. You are not weak. You deserve a bright Life. We all do. It's a matter of getting there and having a safe-ish place to vent and toss out possibilities.
Aw, don't beat yourself up.
Aw, don't beat yourself up. You're not a coward--you're trying to move toward a solution and it's difficult. Does your DH know how unhappy you are? Have a conversation with him, but make it about YOU, not your SS. YOU feel like you have no privacy. YOU feel like you have more work to do with another adult in the house. YOU miss alone time and loud sex with your DH. (Haha, that would get his attention for sure.) Or whatever it is YOU need.
No accusations, no ultimatums, just tell him what YOU need. And you need him to help find a solution.
Welcome back, Peaches. I
Welcome back, Peaches. I personally would not live like this. When I started seeing the lay of the land with the dysfunction in SD, I started stating loudly to dh that I would not live with her a day past 18. She was 14ish at the time. He made me that promise and I will hold him to it.
Do you work? Do you have assets? Since Boy Wonder "can't afford" to move out, tell dh that you can and will. Tell him if he would rather live with his adult lump of DNA than with you in his bed, that's his choice. There are several married couples on this board who live apart and they love it.
Or go all the way and get child support from him and move on with your life.
When my nephew was about 20 I had him come live with me because I wanted him to have the experience of living significantly away from home like I did in college. Stupidly I let his gf come, too. It was great at first because they both tried hard to make themselves welcome. Organized my cupboards and other chores. But after a few months I learned gf was really Hellvira, the vampire, a person who sucks the life out of everybody. Then I learned the pair of them were lying to me about something significant. I adore my nephew but I kicked him out that very night.
He did not hate me. He ended up apologizing to me and said he loved me. They moved on and managed without me. FF into the future, nephew finally left her. THANK ZEUS.
The point is I know what it's like to have a beloved young adult in your house and want to give him a chance. This is how your dh is feeling. But I also know what it's like to have that kid sorely disappoint you. I did not stand for it and we were all better off for it.
HI Peaches! I needed to read
HI Peaches!
I needed to read this today...My ss22 and his GF are driving me nuts. They have promised to move out Nov 1st, but they have yet to find an apartment, or even tour some places. I'm doubtful they will actually move. My DH has decided that since they are moving, there is no point in trying to enforce rules or boundaries anymore... I feel so stuck. The anger and hostility form my SS is a real downer. I just want them out, so my husband and child and I can heal our family. Peaches, you are not alone...
Surfermom - make sure you
Surfermom - make sure you enforce the move out date. It's mid October - have they started packing? Offer them boxes, offer to help etc. Offer to book the removal truck. The day of the move, even if they think it's not happening, insist that all their furniture, including the bed is moved out of your house. If they need somewhere to sleep, they can sleep on the couch.
The proceed to get up very early for your favourite tv show, hehehe.
Quote [I am angry at DH for
Quote [I am angry at DH for his passiveness, being defensive and the age-old issue we have that he WILL NOT sit down with me and SS to discuss anything serious. He just wont and the very few times over the last 16 years he actually has, he throws me under the bus and acts almost apologetic to SS. I am not out to get SS! I have done sooo much for him and been more of a mom to him than his mom could ever hope to be. DH, supposedly, discusses these matters with SS but I am never around to witness it and I'm never informed when it happens.
I am angry at myself for not taking my power in this situation. I just don't know how to do it without it causing a rift in my family (I fear that if I confront my SS he will hate me and in turn effect my relationship with my DH and my own BD). Does anyone else feel this way? I don't want to be the evil stepmother. I have been a great parent to him - he has given me cards expressing this...]
This is a very rel issue in step families, read it many times in this group and dealt with it myself. The two of you have to get onboard with one another no matter what the subject. I think too many times the dd either don't see the issue or simply do not want to deal with it. They might listen to us but they have no intentions to ct on anything, in many case, even if they have agreed. This causes major issues, nothing gets addressed and if we address our steps we are in the wrong. It becomes a no win situation and everyone gets hurt as a result.
I have been with my husband since his sons were 5 & 7 and over and over again we dealt with the very same dynamic that you mentioned in your post. I was repeatedly thrown under the bus. My SSs learned they could disrespect me, they saw how their bio mom and dd treated me so why would hey have to treat me any differently? I tried to help my husband see what was happening but my words were not heard.
Finally I went to an attorney and a counselor. The attorney asked me some very good questions....one- why was SS still living at home if he could not show me any respect?? Counselor showed me how I had become the boys' target for blame and suggested I pull out of any more dealing with SSs. I had to change what I was doing to save my sanity.