Need advice on 50/50
My DH and SS7's BM do not follow the current CO to the T. We have 50/50 custody but we go Mon-Mon and that is not what is in the books. We have been doing this for 1.5 years now and it seems to work really great for everyone involved, especially the kiddo. However, I don't really have a CO to refer to because it is outdated, I know that they should go to mediation and have this fixed but thats another topic haha.
Now in the beginning of this relationship I made the MISTAKE of attempting to have a friendly relationship with BM. We would do a lot of the communicating until one day she just decided that wasnt working for her anymore. We would also sit together at events so that SS didn't feel the need to choose where to sit or who to run to after a game. (Also to protect myself from feeling rejected).
Now that she has gone crazy and decided that she doesn't want to be nice, we are trying to communicate only via emails between DH and BM.
Anyways, in the past we have had problems with her visiting him during the school day on our weeks or insisting that she attend his soccer practice or karate class on our weeks. This hasn't happened a lot recently but I am worried since we are no longer getting along as well, that she will still do it and ruin our time with SS because she insists on being there.
So my question/problem is can we restrict BM's access to SS on our weeks? Can we ask her to stop interfering with our time without any negative legal ramifications?
I forgot to add that we are
I forgot to add that we are not actually married, but referring to my boyfriend as DH seems to be so much easier and fluent.
OMG Are we the same
OMG Are we the same person??
So what DH found out is well no. BM can come to the school/practice/games whenever she wants.
Haha I'm sorry you're dealing
Haha I'm sorry you're dealing with this too!
And that sucks! Because BM always makes sure that when they interact on our week SS is upset and wants to go back to her house.
Yup same with us. BM will
Yup same with us. BM will start talking about what they will do when he goes back then they don't do it. We also have to let her call and skype whenever she wants. Disengage from BM now the sooner you do it the better.
Yes, exactly! She will call
Yes, exactly! She will call whenever she wants, which is fine. But sometimes we are honestly busy (homework or eating dinner) and SS can't talk.
It is fine to tell her SS is
It is fine to tell her SS is busy.
I agree! And we do. But this
I agree! And we do. But this has started another storm (I posted a few days ago about it). She doesn't like being told that he is busy so she wants to get him a cell phone so she can call him whenever she wants. Um, NO. I will not have a 7 year old with a cell phone.
Essentially the same as
Essentially the same as telling her that he is busy.
We had an issue with school
We had an issue with school events, our court ruled, the parent that can attend a field trip, game etc.. Is the parent that has that parenting time. So if SS has a field trip and its BMs day, we don't get to attend ( even if she doesn't) same goes for sports or after school events. It has made that part of life so much nicer.! And if such events fall on our days she not allowed to attend
same goes for, if he gets sick at school the school calls the parent who's time it is ( they have a schedule In his file and SS is old enough to know who's house he's at) Our lawyer told judge it was creating a hostile environment for child due to how BM acted at events that we were present at. Judge ruled for our side.
How did you get the school to
How did you get the school to actually pay attention to his schedule? We have tried SO many times to have them call both parents because SS has two homes and they absolutely suck at it. And when they screw up, which is every time.. they have some excuse to make it "okay". Although I have not tried printing out a schedule and asking them to check that before calling. Maybe I should, I just assumed they wouldn't be willing unless it is court ordered.
My favorite part is when SS
My favorite part is when SS is misbehaving and you can just watch BM deal with it.
This is a great point. But I
This is a great point. But I am SO busy I can't afford to go to practice/class every week.. I already have to schedule around going every other week.
It is good that she visits him at lunch, but what if we were planning on doing it that day? She never even asks, so if we both show up then we have an awkward lunch together?
And, sadly he only ever really misbehaves when he is with her. She has told us stories about his tantrums and I swear we are never talking about the same kid.
I have to say that while I
I have to say that while I share custody of my kids with exH 50/50 they are still my kids 100% of the time. I stay involved to whatever extent I want. I try to respect his custody time and not interfere but school and sports practices are not necessarily parenting time.
I feel like I can go to the school at any time they need me or I want to be there. And I expect exH to feel the same. If it's his custody time I defer to him on any making decisions and such.
I like that you defer to him
I like that you defer to him for decisions on his time. She has decided that since she is the mom she is the only important parent.
SO deals with this. When he
SO deals with this. When he attends school outings and swimming etc on his weeks, SD5 is quiet, follows instructions etc, BUT BM always arrives and then SD's regresses into 2yo behavior, all of a sudden she's incapable, needs her mommy, she gets LOUD, doesn't follow instructions anymore, if SO tries to discipline SD, she cries and goes running to Bm's arms and BM cuddles her up. It's really frustrating for SO.
He brought it up with his lawyer; no, you can't ban BM from showing up at things during the dads parenting time, that would come down to the provider, and MOST if not all would be reluctant to tell a BM "you are prohibited to step foot on our premises during XYZ, but during ABC you are most welcomed".
As a BM myself, the only things I would turn up to during my ex's time, was award ceremonies and BIG school events (like a recital or school gala day) but I respected my ex's time, I stayed away from practices and the things I did turn up to, I would say a quick hello and then direct BD back to her dad and SM. i don't understand how some BM's have a problem doing that ??
OMG yes, that is exactly what
OMG yes, that is exactly what happens.
For example: On our weekend, after his soccer game is over, BM will rush out to the field before SS gets to us, pick him up and CARRY him to get his after game snack. He is SEVEN. I could never see her redirecting him back to us after she has said hi.
I want us to all be involved but she makes it feel like we aren't even there when it is our time with him.
I guess I am unaware of this
I guess I am unaware of this control you are talking about. In my opinion feelings just happen, I cant really stop them. I can control how I react to them.
You are so right. Who knows
You are so right. Who knows when things will change and you should take advantage of it when you can.
I get so caught up on the fact that she keeps him from us when she has him and only wants to coparent when he is with us. But we need to stop letting her get away with it. We should be involved as much as we want, both ways (on outside of the home activities).
That would frustrate me as
That would frustrate me as well. I hate wasted food. I might be tempted to pack it for the next day if it hadn't gone bad.
Actually it's called
Actually it's called interfering with the parents time with their child. And there are plenty of judges who will order interfering bm's to stay away from kid and dad when it's dad's time. Kids are not possessions who are shared equally, parents don't have rights to spend time with their child as such, it's about the child right to spend time with each parent and not have that relationship building time fucked up by a whacked parent who thinks they own the kid.
I guess I disagree. It is
I guess I disagree. It is interfering when she causes him to cry or tells him nasty things during our time.
50/50 worked perfectly for me
50/50 worked perfectly for me and my ex. I was glad my ex took an active role in our children's lives and was interested in spending time with them. My kids are 24 now and I asked them if they ever felt like they didn't have a real home. Both said no and were glad that their father and I were able to make things work so they were never forced to chose between their father and I. If my ex wanted the kids during my time, I had no problem and allowed it. He did the same for me. This is called being an adult and doing what is best for the kids/
How do you know that your ex is perfectly fine with it?
MY SD's BM does this.
MY SD's BM does this. Eventually it starts to turn on her when the kids realise how controlling it is - we've now reached the point where she'll appear at school in the morning (before they go in) to "see them" and they will mutter "oh Christ mum's here again" when they spot her car. Hoist by her own petard...
There's nothing you can do about it except ignore her completely.
I don't see how it can work
I don't see how it can work basically sharing time with her like that. It's a dangerous situation and maybe confusing for the child too. Perhaps you need to go back to court and work out a better arrangement so that it's a bit more broken up? - ie. 3 days with you, 3 with her or something like that. Then you can make the clear agreement that SS's time with you is just with you and time with her is just with her. It sounds positive that you've made it work so far so perhaps a new court order and mediation to agree on what both suits is the way forward? The main thing is, don't let it drift on and things turn more sour.