Greetings!
Hello Hello! My name is Nicole and I am a 32 year old "stepmom" to two kids, SS10 and SD12. I use " " because technically I'm not a stepmom, DH and I are NOT married but I've been in their lives for almost seven years so I feel I earned the title. I have not one but TWO BMs that are in my life. It has NOT been easy, and I truly value groups/websites like this where I can vent and also help others.
It is not an easy situation to be in but at the same time, it is the life I chose. There are a few struggles I deal with on a consistent basis:
1) Non-existent co-parenting - SD's BM and DH DO NO COPARENT. They have two totally different parenting styles; we are the discipline and structure house, while BM is the "fun loving, I am your friend first and parent second" type. She rarely disciplines SD and frankly she is out of control when she is with BM. Sometimes we deal with an attitude from SD but for the most part she knows not to mess with us. I will say that SS's BM and DH co-parent better than SD. Their parenting styles are more in line with each other, but recently BM has been complaining to DH that SS is disrespectful and refuses to help her around the house. Again, we do not have any issues with SS at our house.
2) Lack of Communication/Passive Dad - This ties in with the co-parenting rant. DH feels like he is only a "paycheck" to the BMs eventhough he has 50/50 and is very active in their academics and extracurricular activities. Because of this mentality, the BMs easily take advantage of DH and he let's it happen. This leads to tension in our relationship because it is frustrating as you know to watch him get taken advantage of and him not do anything.
3) My position in all of this - I consider myself an active stepmom. I've always treated the kids like they were my own. I do not have any biokids due to fertility issues. I often have doubts, feel anger, and sometimes even resentment because I feel like I am nothing and my opinion doesn't matter.
That's a little glimpse into my situation. I look forward to speaking with you!
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Comments
Welcome.. I do NOT envy you
Welcome.. I do NOT envy you having 2 BM's...lol One was enough for me!
As far as co-parenting.. to be honest, all you and your SO can do is control what happens in your home. If the other households have different rules.. that is on them. You both just continue to expect high standards.. the kids know the difference at their age. As far as the BM that is complaining about her son's attitude.. that isn't really all that unusual of boys that age.. they can be real PITAs. They like to question.. "be right" etc.. Your DH should encourage his son to respect his mother's authority and where appropriate possibly even enforce some consequences for behaviors.. even if they happen there.
The passivity thing can be frustrating. But often the BD's are making this mental risk reward calculation in their mind.. it is easier and less work to sometimes agree to some demands that are unwarranted. My dH used to give his EX gas money so she would facilitate his visitations by making the kids available.. he could have 'dragged her to court' but it was cheaper/easier and easier on his girls when their mother wasn't in a high state of crazy.
Being the SM ... there is a bit of a balance as to how much input you have. My DH always listened and usually agreed with my input. He knew that I wanted what was best for his girls.. and knew my goal was that they would grow up to be self sufficient. etc.. You definitely should have input on how your household is run.. like whether there are sleepovers etc.. You also have input where it could hit your pocketbook.. and you have input when the behavior impacts you.. as long as you can convey your input respectfully and in a way that shows you care about their well being.. it should be welcomed. But of course.. the BM's don't need to know that you and your DH decide things.. that is a bridge too far..lol
Welcome!!
Welcome!!
Welcome! We deal with the
Welcome! We deal with the same sort of thing with our Crazy BM. Skids have no rules or structure at her house, we have discipline (well, rarely, but they don't need much), rules, chores, and structure at our house. We have no issues with SS at our house, but he gives her attitude, argues with her, and has thrown things at her house. This is what she gets for trying to be the friend and thinking there should be no rules. There is absolutely no coparenting and almost no communication with my SO and her either. It's a mess, and it's frustrating.
I'm just thankful there's not 2 of her, that would be a hard no for me.
Welcome to steptalk!
Wow 2 BMs! I can barely handle 1.
I too have zero bio kids and cannot have children of my own. It is what it is.
I treat Munchkin SD12 as if she were my kiddo, and she has mentioned that she thinks of me like a second mom. I do and buy for her, but have decided to back off here and there. I have been with DH since 4.5 years. We married 6 months ago, so that is still new. My status as Stepmom, when I married DH made things easier for Munchkin to explain to her friends, she told me, because she would get a bunch of questions when I dropped off/picked up. Like who is she, where does she live, etc.
You can read my tale of woe in my blogs. Suffice it to say I have a high conflict BM, who I call Toxic Troll, and her eldest is just like her, I call her Toxic Feral Eldest.
Nicole - with your 2 BM's it is highly recommended that you stay somewhat anymous. That way you can feel more confident and comfortable sharing your experiences, joys and frustrations!
Good luck and keep posting.
Welcome to the site, I have
Welcome to the site, I have nothing to add at this time just wanted to be courteous !