I don't even know where to begin. A couple of weeks ago I was arrogant enough to think that we had this step parent thing beat (despite the writing being on the wall), arrogant enough to think that everyone else was wrong we were part of the percentage of step families who were succeeding that we'd raised smart, intelligent, moral and kind children. That all came crashing down when SD15 accidentally overdosed on prescription medication at her father's home. I was happy living in my bubble of delusion.

I am a lesbian step mother and my partner and I have been raising her children for the past 7 years, SS16 and SD15. Their father has only been a part of their parenting for the past three years and then only partially. My partner and him had a volatile often violent relationship, to which the children were witness. He is now married to a wonderful woman and that seems to have settled our relationship with him and we actually communicate well regarding the children, that is up until recently.

The kids and I have always gotten along, but I had also become the disciplinarian as my partner is easily swayed and I think due to guilt from her relationship with their father just a pushover. My SD has no boundaries and no respect, despite my best efforts trying to teach her right from wrong. For the past 2 years I've had to lock my personal belongings in my bathroom as SD would just do take and use whatever she felt she needed. I told her to just ask, but even that was too much to ask for. A couple of months ago I started disengaging from her partially as the disrespectful way and attitude with which she spoke to me and her mother had just become enough. Ever since then her true colors started emerging as I would no longer drive her anywhere or contribute towards her pocket money. These kids have no chores no responsibility aside from doing well at school. They have Iphones and everything else they could ever want. I also stopped parenting her and told my partner that she needs to step up now and sort her daughter out.

Fast forward to the accidental overdose. SD was screaming and yelling at her mother telling her that she is the worst mother in the world, blaming her for what she had done. Needless to say we were, and still are devastated. We found out that she was having a fight with her current boyfriend and knew that that had to have something to do with it. She kept asking for her cellphone which we denied her as what she had done, surely there had to be some consequences. Her father insisted that we return her phone and I told him that if they give her her privileges back then she must live with him, because I am done dealing with her. She now lives there permanently and we have not spoken to her since, aside from the odd outburst from her which has also stopped after I asked her father to please speak to her. We found letters that SD wrote saying that she would kill herself for her boyfriend to make him happy. We found nude photographs on her various social media accounts, we found sexually explicit letters between her and her boyfriend. All sent to her father who has not given her any consequences for her actions. He just talks to her and tells her she should not be doing things like that. We told him that she needs to be put on birth control - he simply doesn't reply. My partner and I are at wits end, we have done everything we can and now I am just done. We also found out through her letters to her boyfriend that she had been using medicines and alcohol at our home to overcome her "pain" over him and their fighting. She has caused so much pain herself by this stunt but just does not seem to care at all.

I am completely disengaging from her. I don't want her in my home and I certainly don't want to parent her or see her. She uses her relationship with this boy to hurt her mother and I by posting pictures of them on her social media accounts this after she knows that we found all their letters and the photos. Is she not ashamed?!!! We repeatedly spoke to her about social media and about sending revealing or sexual messages/photos. We even contacted the boyfriend's parents who have done nothing either.

Am I wrong for disengaging fully? Should I be more understanding more forgiving? I just don't know anymore. The child I thought I knew was a lie a figment and I am heartbroken. Her father is just allowing everything and does not seem to get the gravity of the situation. She just does not care and has not even attempted saying sorry. Halfheartedly said sorry to me once but that's about it. We don't have a great medical plan and had to borrow thousands to pay for her hospital stay after the overdose - our medical plan does not cover overdoses. She tells everyone that her father did everything he paid for everything when it was us who paid on the day otherwise she would have been sent to a government hospital, to his credit though her father did contribute half of what we paid with his child support payment, but the fact that she paints us to be the bad guys in this just blows my mind. My partner and I are now the villains and I have become the evil step mother, just like that, like magic a snap of the fingers and voila evil step mother.

Apologies if this is all jumbled I've been hovering on these forums for a while now since the overdose and her staying with her father and only today felt the courage to post.