Now the fall out from supporting SD20 over own wife!
Last week, DH and I had an argument when he was contacted by his middle daughter explaining that I had texted his eldest daughter, inquiring about the $1000 she owed me from the sale of MY HORSE she had agreed to do (and she kept the money she mode on the sale which was apparently $2,500). This is my SD
She was waiting for the cheque to clear and was planning to give me the money. 4 weeks went by and nothing...no communication from her at all actually throughout the time she had my horse, other then the odd update from DH himself. So I texted her a cheery text asking her how things are going and when was she planning to send through the $$.....no reply. All hell broke loose when I got home from work as DH started ripping me s new one saying how dare I harass his kid by contacting her and went in to full on protection mode of SD20....He wasnt interested in hearing my side of the story, claiming the selling of my horse was between him and her (WTF) and how I had NO business contacting her and all this other hurtful stuff which was designed to hurt....well he succeeded. He also seemed determined to "not allow" me to contact her to apologize for my apparent hurtful behavior of her and seemed ok about separating me from his kids overall. The thing is though SS16 lives FT with us so if what DH claims is true (re how all his kids are scared of me ....as to his reasoning why SD20 didnt have the decency to at least reply to me explaining about the $$) well how am I now going to manage living with SS16 FT IN MY HOUSE THEN?
I took off that night and stayed with a friend overnight. I wrote a heartfelt email and sent it to him the next day as you could tell he was closed off wanting to talk more about everything...for the purposes of trying to explain my feelings of being hurt and that he didnt have my back but instead preferred to support SD20's. But Crickets....no acknowledgement of the damage this has caused. My intuition is now screaming somethings not right and someones hiding stuff from me as why react sooooo over the top if it was a simple misunderstanding??
I got the chance to speak to SD18 who popped over last Friday night and a LOT came out about the truth. I still stand by DH being willing to throw me under the bus instead of making his daughter accountable for her rude behavior.....and apparently SD20 has recently purchased a $35,000 horse...yes folks you read that bit right....and this girl dosnet even have a proper job. My theory is she kept my money and panicked when I asked for it back and instead of speaking to me about it, she "panicked" so SD18 rings dad who flies onto protection mode....
So yeah......Im still furious nearly 2 weeks later....we havent been intimate as I cant bring myself to open myself up to DH when he is hell bent on throwing me under the bus whilst preferring to support his manipulative and lying daughter (instead of making her accountable). I have made a counselling appointment to discuss my feelings as despite only being married in April this year, Im fantasizing about kicking him and SS16 out. How DARE he treat me with utter disrespect and care about his lying manipulative daughter instead. He clearly dosetn give a shit about me except when he wants "a bit". How can you say you love someone when you treat them like this? I dont believe him now when he tries to be loving....I hear another voice in my head that is cynical and distrustful of him and his actions. I seriously fear for our future now as DH clearly just hopes this will blow over and I will forget. How do you ladies do it?
Why do people have to answer
Why do people have to answer with such sarcasm?! Jeez.
I agree.. It's very confusing
I agree.. It's very confusing how he has taken over our arrangement othe than he knew she wouldn't follow through so once again protects her or he's said she could keep the money and didn't tell me.. Either way it's deceitful on DHs part particularly when he blamed me for "harassing his daughter"
I've lost all respect for him and I'm trying to systematically work on my feelings so I don't make a descion I will regret.
To explain, my DH paid me the
To explain, my DH paid me the $1000 instead of her saying now SD20 owes him instead to save her having to give it to me... And that's my point too... Why keep "saving her" when there's such a thing as Internet banking? DH was insisting SD20 hand deliver it to me... Why?? I didn't care either way and thank god for Internet banking which takes 2 minutes!! So something's not right here.. That's why I think she's spent it and knew DH would fix things for her ( at my expense)
And sueu2, that's why I'm attending counselling to explore my feelings of breaking up only after 5 months of being married but your comments aren't helpful all the same. You have spoken to me like my DH does... Designed to make me feel inferior!
Yes and this is where I'm
Yes and this is where I'm really struggling as DH has favoured her Dogy behaviour instead of getting to the bottom of things to teach his daughter a golden Buiness lesson. And I've been thrown under the bus in favour of his daughters feelings and mine haven't been given a thought. He thinks I'm just jealous of her... No... She's an entitled bitch and a distrustful one too. I should never have entered into this agreement with her.
To me that's not the point.
To me that's not the point. DH threw me under the bus and all he cared about is SD20's feelings when all along it was her trying to avoid her responsibilities to me. He supports her. How can any wife be ok with this. It's betrayal on my part. I am his wife not some fly by night girlfriend!
A DH that will support/defend
A DH that will support/defend the children over their spouse....welcome to Stepmotherhood.
1. kick DH & the 16 year old
1. kick DH & the 16 year old out
2. Sue SD for your money.
I would take legal action if
I would take legal action if an agreement was not honored by SD. You were taken advantage of. I don't care if DH paid you. I look at it like that's part your money he paid you with. That should be going to your mutual retirement plan.
It does sound like something else is going on... regardless, he is treating you like crap. Get an exit plan and don't settle for anyone that treats you disrepectfully. You deserve way better.
So your dh has paid the $1000
So your dh has paid the $1000 his adult dd owed you but after he went mental and accused you of harassing her? WTF? More fool him for coverimg whatever f$ck up she made regarding your money, because sure as sh$t there clearly was some underlying issue here that 1) ensured sd ceased all communication regarding the sale for a MONTH (not exactly a few days) 2) and when you politely asked ONCE resulted in an adult, who was initially fine with just dealing with you, running to daddeeeee to complain about
mean ole stepmum daring to question where her money was (after all your money is hers and how dare you ask!) 3) for dh to go completely overboard and become abusive imo. GUILT and LIES. Thats why you have been used as an escape goat.
Sd is the way she is because of her parents, clearly they have coddled, pandered and not held her accountable for her screw ups. A real parent would have listened and then told her he would speak to you, while ensuring she was not disrespectful about you during the call. Then he would have listened and told sd she should be paying it back. End of. Simple. Your dh enables his adult children and any attempt by you to act in a reasonable, healthy, MATURE, ADULT fashion towards sds and dhs parenting methods will be met with aggression, hostility by all parties. Your dh doesnt have your back when it comes to his family, they have his loyalty, to the point where he is willing to be vindictive, nasty and back stabbing to get you to drop it.
You can and should cut out the adult skids. If they all are so intent on using you, abusing you and then blaming you over NOTHING (this situatiom is an example of that) what the F will they be like if you genuinely put one toe out of line by addressing something head on? War! I warn you now, no matter how nice you are, it will be wrong...just like now, and by continuing to play nice amd forget their nastiness just communicates to all involved they can do it again. So as dh tells you the skids are afraid of you..."oh shame dh, oh well they shouldnt be around me. As this is my house, they should no longer ring here, come here or have anything to do with me...seeing as they are sooo afraid of me and how awful I apparently am. I am no longer allowing ypu and them put me in the scapegoat position. Problem arises with ss16, if he feels the same amd he lives under ,y roof perhaps he needs to go live with bm or maybe ypu and he need to move out, as it disturbs me ypu feel this way and you married me. What does that say about you? The fact you lied when taking our vows, as clearly you dont trust me, respect me and agree about awful, untrue things..."
See this issue WILL happen again, in another way and perhaps with one of the other skids...with ss16 living with you hes the one who is going to witness dh treating you so dismissively and allowing skids to disrespect you, use you so he may well take FULL advantage of that! Your dh did betray you and talking will only get you so far. If dhs behaviour is so ingrained the unlearning is a nightmre, it takes being calm, cold and proactive with ACTION.
"Sd is the way she is because
"Sd is the way she is because of her parents, clearly they have coddled, pandered and not held her accountable for her screw ups. A real parent would have listened and then told her he would speak to you, while ensuring she was not disrespectful about you during the call. Then he would have listened and told sd she should be paying it back. End of. Simple."
YES....my point exaclty!!
Thats why Im having a hard time "forgiving" and moving on with this as Ive lost all respect for DH and he is clueless as to why?
DH's reason for why he tried to get into the middle of the negotiations? Because he was trying to protect her from me as SD20 is scared of me! Shes scared of me because I dont suffer fools gladly and I speak my mind. I probably said things to her in the past a parent should have said to her, but seeing DH wasnt saying a word, I stepped up..shit its my house too and I refuse to be disrespected. She used me and my good nature and IM THE ONE WHO HAS TO TOLERATE IT?
Seriously? Men can be soooooo dumb! Thats why I left my last DH too...he too didnt give a rats about his wife preferring instead to live a live he wanted (and for me to fit in around him). Clearly I suck when it comes to choosing decent men.
You are not inferior at all -
You are not inferior at all - but that mf-er husband of yours is trash. I hope the counselor will help you overcome the guilt on bailing after 5 months.
It's really, really hard to admit you made a mistake. The natural reaction is to pretend like the situation didn't happen - rug sweeping. But this is the rest of your life. You deserve happiness.
Thank you ladies for
Thank you ladies for validating my feelings as I'm having a hard time holding into what's real and what's being projected. I sent my DH a text asking him to consider how a young lady of 20 years who isn't working in a permanent position ( she works for herself and makes money riding horses and looking after other people's horses) can afford recently buying a $30-40k horse... That's right everyone!!! This kid has bought a horse for that amount of crazy money. So I'm guessing she panicked when I texted her asking about my $1,000 as she possibly gave it to the person she bought the horse from.... Crickets.... No reply from him and he ignored me again.
I slept by myself again and this morning I just asked him outright did he pay for her expensive horse cause how could she afford it? And he just started again about how I've made up my mind and am accusing her and him without getting my facts Blah blah... So I'm doomed either way cause I asked him a question to get my facts before getting upset, he ignores it because he thinks I, accusing him or that SD 20 has spent the money... Sigh.. Again lots were said and the bottom line is that he protected her from me as she is scared of me ( the reason he got in the middle of proceedings) which threw me as I thought SD20 and I were actually reconnecting!!! Lesson learn there.. All based in events that took place approx 18 months ago and I did ask them to leave ( Similar situation but different item.. My then Fiance gave her a car as she was Unemployed and had no cash). Anyway I lost it and he reacted badly so I asked them all to leave... He assured me when we reconciled that he understood and talked to SD and we made a fresh start and now have married. Now I regret it.
I asked him outright does he really believe I harassed his daughter and he said yes... And I said how can you continue to live with me if you truly think I'm capable of that behaviour.
And another thing I was shocked about? DH ridiculing me over taking back my scented candles from SS16 as he just took nearly all of them from the kitchen drawer and helped himself and I said no he can't have them they are mine and for him to buy his own... dH was appalled I wasn't willing to share my things with SS16 despite him not even having the decency to ask permission first, and I'm the bad one?
I get it Sueu2...I was
I get it Sueu2...I was feeling a tad sensitive at the time, but I get where you are coming from. Yes its happened previously about 2 years ago....and I kicked them all out and broke up our engagement. I was love bombed I guess once he tried to reconnect after everything calmed down and he had moved out into his own place, and he was able to acknowledge what he had done in stuffing up our relationship.....but it seems that deep down he was lying to me just so he could win me back as its clear he truly dosent care about my feelings because if he did, he would listen and acknowledge whats happening and speak to me with respect and not jump to conclusions about how Ive harassed his daughter instead of making his daughter take responsibility for their own actions.
He is just out to manage me into tolerating a relationship with him that involves disrespectful kids..... and HE has turned them into that.....they have been ALLOWED to by him and their useless BM to do what they like without recourse.
This is a deal breaker for me. Im hoping the counselor will just be able to reassure me and help me navigate the next step as I can see shit hitting the fan next after I once again ask him and SS16 to leave.
Ah so he ignores any relevant
Ah so he ignores any relevant questions you bring up? He just continues his tirade and plows on damaging your relationship...thats not love, thats control. You are asking all the right questions and he is failing to supply any answers, he accuses you of not wanting to listen to his side (when you hit the jackpot by asking him if HE paid for sds expensive horse) yet isnt he the one who was frothing at the mouth and refused to listen to one single thing YOU had to say during his first confrontation?! Gaslighting alert!
Also if sd was THAT afraid of you, tell me why she was happy to initially deal with you, your horse sale and was then subsequently unwilling/unable to give you your money back? If she was petrified of you, she would be at pains to not incur your wrath surely? Utter BS. People only say "oh I am scared of you/them" in order to appear the victim, to hopefully encourage others to be protective of them (so they can weasel out of consequences) and to finally shift the blame. Your dh has colluded with sd in order to achieve this and in effect he throws this at you, along with other really strong words (harassment) in order to stone wall you, shut the conversation down. These people are imo harassing you, they are manipulative individuals and your dh is numero uno master manipulator. Its disgusting and this seems to be the second time he has done something similar, the fact you threw him out the first time and ended the relationship appears to not have been warning enough that he cant go around acting like a bully. He didnt learn then and I would be getting legal advice to protect your assets (these people are parasites), as perhaps he thinks he is safe now you are married...yeah right...make sure you are safe as I wouldnt trust him at all including your safety, as hes acting like some macho animal in heat right now!
Ahhhhh Delilah!! Yes!!
Ahhhhh Delilah!! Yes!! Exactly!! You summed it up 100%
That's exactly what happened and every time I've said this to him by way of an explanation of what I thinks happened, he stone walls me and blocks any attempt to listen to my side or validate my feelings.
He claims SD20 has since paid him back the $1000 he paid me on her behalf... I said prove it... And he replied Ahhhh so now you don't trust me!!! I ignored his taunts as he would delight in me saying that I don't trust him as a way to prove in his head that this is all my fault as I dont trust him and I'm the one with the problem... He hasn't shown me the online bank transaction so I think I've hit another nerve.
He claims I'm jealous of his kids and want everything to go to me. He has sooooo missed the point it's hilarious now!
You call that voice "cynical"
You call that voice "cynical" and "distrustful." I call that voice "logical" and "sane."
How do I do the steplife? I do it by being married to an exquisitely wonderful man who is as solid as granite and as gentle as an angel and more caring than I could have ever hoped for.
You don't have that guy. Get annulled. Toss them. Put a lien on the new horse or whatever else she has that's worth what she owes you.
Then be Taylor Swift and shake it off!
I don't see any "horses ass"
I don't see any "horses ass" jokes on here about DH. Y'all are slacking!
the rose coloured glasses are
the rose coloured glasses are well and truly off now and I kick myself they came off AFTER we got married. My counselling session last night confirmed my suspicions ( narcissism) and he reminded me that narcissists normally reveal themselves after they feel like they've landed you... He dosent have to hide his true self anymore. And he also explained how narcs are master manipulators and charming and it's hard to pick when all you want to do is believe in the man you fell in love with, as I'm struggling to deal with how I allowed myself to be in this situation after I felt assured that he had learnt I meant business from the previous bad experience.
So now my exit plan? I need to ask them to leave but his sister is coming to stay with us for the next few days!!! It's hard to "pretend" that all is well with a visitor when I'm on the verge of asking them to leave. Any suggestions?
Can you ask him to leave
Can you ask him to leave before the visit? That way you aren't tortured any longer and don't have to fake anything. SIL will be fine when DH calls to tell her the visit is cancelled or she can visit him wherever he's staying.