Heart Shredded- Excluded

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Through tears, I came across this site.20 yrs ago, I spent a family vacation in a hotel room as my husband visited with my SD'S. Prior to leaving, the BM set out the times we would have the girls, but when we arrived, I was not permitted to see them, and he could see them from morning til night. So, he went and visited, I stayed in a hotel room. It was my vacation from hell, and took yrs to recover. After that, he gave up, and walked away, now adults, his girls are somewhat back in his life. Fast frwd 20 yrs later. They r in town, but I am excluded from lunch/dinner/outing invites. Oldest SD wants one on one daddy time. She came to our home to meet his family,( which excluded her step siblings),aunt, uncle. I cooked. My last vision of her was as a 5 yr old, she is now 26. My SD asked for a lunch date, he replied WE would love to attend. The text back, was, again, wanting daddy me time.That she is hurt he was not in her life. That she needs to get to know her dad. She refuses to discuss the past. He declined the invite. They say he was foolish to not attend, they are pissed off. He can come say goodbye alone. He asked them to stop by our home, they said no, they will not come to our home. My heart is shredded. My tears keep falling. Now, because he tried to support my feelings, that he was not going to leave his wife at home,( I stayed home when I was not invited on every outing, he saw the hurt, and said, no more, we are a pkg, you are my soul mate, my wife, and texted that to the oldest SD, but her response, this is about her needing to get to know her dad, and asked him to not violate her confidence, of what they discuss.

Instead of going to court, he

Instead of going to court, he walked away from a five year old??? :sick:

How do you think his kids feel??

I think your comment, Disney,

I think your comment, Disney, is just plain RUDE! And to a new member who has come here for support as well, *tsk tsk*. Have you read Admins new rules? They are on the Home page, pinned to the top. I suggest you read them, and perhaps you could try to write another reply being more specific rather then assuming and insinuating that OP's DH walked away from a his 5yo and it makes you sick.

Be kinder xx

I do hope that was meant as a

I do hope that was meant as a snarky comment, and not seriously? Can't tell just from text.

Oh, dear, how many times does

Oh, dear, how many times does Gingersnap have to say that her husband did in fact go to court many times and paid out many thousands trying to stop this? Court just doesn't work properly all the time. Courts were different for fathers during these kids' childhoods as well. Sometimes a soldier's best goal is to live to fight another day. Sounds like that's where Mr. Gingersnap ended up after a very long bloodletting battle.

Also, the girls have spent one on one time with dad every single day their entire visit already!

We went to court, spent

We went to court, spent thousands on lawyers, but the BM, kept upping expectations. Our twin sons were still born. On the 2nd anniversary of their birth, she sent a belated birthday card, of how the birth of her children, and the death of my babies 1992 was the best thing could happen. I was fighting cancer, she felt when I dies they would be together. His last contact was when she ripped the phone out of his 9 yr. Old daughters hand. She had the control, she violated the visitation, refused to put the kids on a plane for visits. They are now adults & not interested in revisiting the past. I have a binder, of how he fought to be in their life, he is staying paying child support, as long as they remain in school, currently university. He did not abandon his kids. So, thx for your comments, maybe this is not the site for me

I'm so sorry. it sounds like

I'm so sorry. it sounds like the entire situation has been sad and painful. Men often get the short end of the stick in custody situations, all the blame AND still have to pay child support/alimony etc. They don't want to revisit the past but maybe they should. Perhaps DH should send them the binder, no explanation, no return address and let them come to their own conclusions.

There are several stories like yours on this site. I hope you will stick around to know you are not to blame, not crazy and in lots of good company.

Firstly, welcome to the site,

Firstly, welcome to the site, Gingersnap. Not all of us are so harsh, so please don't go based on a couple of replies that seem unfeeling. I've been here a couple of months myself and as more of your story and background unfolds, people are more understanding.

I'm sorry you're being hurt so badly. I'm going through the same thing. My DH's children only want to engage him provided I'm not included. It's hurts a lot and I feel that by agreeing to their proviso, he is enabling them to diss me. He does, however, try to include me so I can't complain.

Chin up, hon xx

Don't be discouraged. There's

Don't be discouraged. There's a lot of support you will get here. Sometimes other posters may point out things that you disagree with but it's not meant to hurt your feelings. It's meant to offer you a different perspective. Sometimes when other posters don't know much about your backstory they might say things that you find to be offensive. For instance, you did say that your DH "gave up and walked away" but you didn't mention all of the court stuff and all the horrible things that BM did to alienate the skids. I'm not trying to be hurtful towards you, I am just trying to encourage you.
If you hang out you will find that a lot of other people are going through exactly what you are going through as well. I hope you give STalk a chance and I hope you can find the support that you need.
BTW--welcome!
I hope you stay and read others blogs. You can find blogs on the home page. Click on the posters name and click on their blogs. You will find a lot of amazing stories here.
Good luck to you.
Amber

Amen, Tog. Sometimes what's

Amen, Tog. Sometimes what's best for the child is the hardest thing in the world.

Echo - Do you mean for a

Echo - Do you mean for a minor child? or forever?

I would not blame my DH one bit if he walked away from his horrid son. But I haven't told him that.

BM has for the most part walked away from SS30. He's beaten her up, violently trashed multiple homes, etc. He is not allowed in her home ever. SS was sent to countless counselors up to and including in patient psychiatric hospitals, boot camp, rehabs, etc. And yes even jail.

My best friend and college roommate died all too early - partly from the stress of dealing with her out of control daughter. She and her DH (wonderful people with lovely other children) literally spent hundreds and hundreds of thousands of dollars on treatment centers and hospitals for their daughter. I think they should have dumped her years ago. (She's now 40).

The situation reminds me of

The situation reminds me of Solomon. He knew the true mother was the one who would rather the child had a chance at survival rather than be torn apart even if it meant she herself had to give up on the child.

amen. SOMETIMES it's the

amen. SOMETIMES it's the hardest and most selfless act a person can do, rather than just to have bragging rights that "i didn't give up on my kid, yeah I made his life harder, but I didn't give up!" (pats self on back)

If they are being rude to the

If they are being rude to the SM, he can react how he wants. My DH sees his SD19 by himself when she surfaces. She is toxic and I won't be around her.

Look you can only fight so

Look you can only fight so long when the BM makes it hell. We gave up on SD19 and I am sure she hates us for it. But sometimes, you have to walk away. This is a good site, ignore some, listen to differing opinions and take the support when you need it.

I don't know your DH's

I don't know your DH's feelings, whether he 'walked away' from his very young children or fought until it was either them or his life with you (or if that is even a reasonable bottom-line), I don't know what was going on then or now, what the BM did to him, to their children, I don't know if your DH was/is a good father or partner...

But I DO know that YOU are not responsible for or in control of how his children treat you or how the BM treat you. Neither is DH, but good for him for not tolerating their unkindness towards you.

You are feeling sad and hurt, and probably angry and confused, at how his kids are excluding you, and it reminds you of similar feelings when the BM did that. The BM sounds incredibly cruel (sending you a BIRTHDAY card on the anniversary of the stillborn deaths of your twin sons to tell you she was happy about this tragedy is possibly one of the most vicious things I have ever heard of happening). I really understand how you feel and why.

I think one of the reasons this is hitting you so hard is that you really like people to get along and you make a lot of effort to make things nice for others. And when this kind of thing happens you are shocked and feel as though you've failed the other people.

But that's not true. In this case, your DH's children are being unkind to you because of their own hurt and anger. But you can't help them with that. Not only because they won't let you, but also because it has NOTHING to do with you. You haven't hurt them, confused them, betrayed them. Their parents have.

Maybe DH was wrong with how he handled things several years ago. I don't know, and I'm sure neither of you do either. But guaranteed BM made many many many mistakes as well. It's the curse of even the best parent in the world - you make mistakes. A person who did what she did to you with that birthday card... I wouldn't let someone like that near my child... and she raised your DH's kids. They never had a chance to be happy with themselves. I am sure they have a lot of conflict in all of their relationships. Please, don't take their unkind and rude behaviour to heart. It's directed at you, but only because you're in the vicinity.

My SS feel they can do the

My SS feel they can do the same and I have no doubt these stipulations are layed out by BM in an attempt to protect what she feels is hers, her children. My husband has in the past played along but with recent events where SS included our bio daughter (SS's half sister) and not me husband has changed his thinking and now has told his sons that he will only attend functions with me. I would encourage the same for you and your husband.

My husband walked away on the

My husband walked away on the advice of a court appointed shrink, because the children were being used by bio mom as pawns. She moved 3000 miles away, she cut off email, ripped phone out of kids hand because she demanded he supply his daughters with a cell phone number. He worked on a ship, it was not practical. He did what a shrink advised him to do. It has hurt everyday,but his girls do not care to hear of the past. My husband is not well, suffered two heart attacks last yr. There are no do overseas when a parent dies. It matters to me, it hurts, that he has taken the abuse dished out, because they feel entitled. There is enough hurt to go around, my heart is shattered for this man, that did what he was instructed to do out of love, to protect his kids, from being in a tug a war.

Hello Gingersnap, I do

Hello Gingersnap,
I do understand why your husband had to make the choice he did. And I think he is a wonderful DH for coming up for his wife telling his Sd's he wants you involved too. I think a lot of people didnt see that he already had met up with her over the last days without you. And if other family members can be there, why not you. Especially because they already had one on one time.
I think sd might take after her muma bit, and it is good your dh is putting up some boundary.
Just tell your dh you appreciate his loyalty to you. It's better to put the boundary's up now then having the sd to dictade every future visit.
And try not to care, just love your dh.
And yes, sometimes a dad has to step back or his life will be ruined. The kids are always the biggest loosers. In your case this is caused by the ex.

I agree with this comment. It

I agree with this comment. It is awful what has happened here, your DH and his children lost things that they may never get back. I really feel for them.

Regardless of what may have happened (and you say that they don't even want to focus on that), they are adults now and if they want to reach out and establish a relationship with their father, IN THE NOW, then they should attempt to accept all of him, that includes the person he's spent the last 20 years with. I think he did the right thing, no doubt it was extremely hard for him, but their constant exclusion of you... was ugly, I think your DH is wonderful for putting his foot down and saying 'this is not appropriate and I wont allow it to continue'.

IMHO, I think that the SD's need counselling, if they grew up with a high-conflict PASing BM, then yeah, THEY need counselling to come to terms with their dads marriage to you.

Personally, I think it is

Personally, I think it is wonderful that you have such a supportive husband. Maybe others are jealous? I thought this is what most of these SMs wanted, was a husband who supported them and one who insists with his own children that he and his wife are a packaged deal.

I don't any SM WANTS her

I don't any SM WANTS her husband to walk away from his kids. Especially a SM who has kids with that man.

I could not stay with or respect a man who walks away from his children. I grew up in, teach and still live in an inner city section of Brooklyn, NY. Kids need their fathers (not just his money). They need them to be present and involved.

Those BMS who get in the way of that father/child relationship need a good kick in the pants.

I didn't get the feeling the

I didn't get the feeling the husband walked away from his children at all. If anything, it sounded to me like he went way beyond what most men would have done in a similar situation. "BMS who get in the way of that father/child relationship need a good kick in the pants." Very true for this situation.

Father's can't have decent

Father's can't have decent relationships with children that have been poisoned against him. Just ask my DH. He spent $10's of thousands trying to have a relationship with his PAS'd out kids. One is 18 and the other is 20. They LOVE calling him an emotionally deadbeat dad. They say everything that is wrong in their life is because of him. And I can assure you, that is not the case.

Edited to add: this was meant for DisneyFan

PASing should be a crime.

PASing should be a crime. It's just disgusting how parents do this. It used to mainly be mothers but now custodial fathers are doing this too. The NCP has to pay thousands of dollars just to enter the court arena, thousands more to play the game of trying to prove their fitness just to see their child. Children are poisoned against the NCP parent, lied to, denied visitation. There is little and NCP can do but go back to court and pay thousands more to complain to a judge who may or may not take action.

I'm living this nightmare with my youngest son. I had 4 kids from 1st marriage and 1 from a rebound second. Ex 1 and I get along fine and the kids go back and forth without court drama or $$$ being spent. Ex 2 has done everything he can to PAS youngest son from all of us. I have spent over $10,000 in court and lawyer fees just to have some relationship with my child. Ex 2 has accused me of child abuse, accused my kids of abusing the youngest one, accused my husband of abuse. It's sad that the 8 yr old blames each scrape or bump on his siblings. I have to constantly counter this PAS training. Ex 2 even kept youngest from me for over a year and I had to fight through court to see him again. The judge said nothing about the ex keeping my son from me, no penalties, nothing. 10 more years of this sh*t till he's 18. Then the fun of paying for college starts.

I thank you all for your

I thank you all for your insight. My SD'S have left to return on their journey home. To no surprise to me, there were no goodbyes for me, and, it saddens me, the text my husband sent his daughters,(without my knowledge) telling them how hurt he was that they never said goodbye to his "gingersnap", that I was a good person that only had love in her heart for his girls. He texted them my cell number and provided our home phone number, which has never been called since 1992. They never responded. Again my heart shatters for the man, that knows, time, and lost memories, are a casualty of decisions made, that have woven the fiber of their being. I ask you all, should I write to my SD'S,& say my piece, and close this chapter of my life. I know they are not interested, in hearing the past, but, a father being a victim of Parental Alienation Syndrome, does not make him a father that abandoned them. In a perfect world, I wish my stepdaughters, would see, that life is short, that their brothers and nieces, also lost out on making memories and building a relationship. They may have been physically out of our home, but, never out of our minds or hearts. Our twin sons lay in a cemetary, and we miss them everyday, and,have often wished, what they would look like today.. In a sense, after 20 yrs, I was able to see my SD'S, after such along time, and even though it was only the one night I made dinner to facilitate their desire to meet my sister and brother in law, and was excluded from the toasts and picture sessions, my heart, felt the joy, to witness a glimpse, that, a memory was being created, and for that, without them knowing it, this step mom, felt blessed.

I'd say don't bother. They

I'd say don't bother. They obviously don't give a damn so nothing you write them will hit home.

Meanwhile, both your DH and you sound like sensitive people and I think continually trying to reach out will only hurt you further. I believe your sensitivity is born out of the death of your twins and I'm sincerely sorry to hear how you miss them so.

Big hugs xx

Sometimes the best you can do is let go, I'm glad your DH had a good counselor.

All you can do is be supportive of your DH, and don't let the toxicity seep into your lives.