I see right through you, SD

Forums:

So SD28 calls DH yesterday to say she's interested in some guy. And she wants Daddy Dearest to meet the guy to suss him out... without me around naturally as it's still "early days".

A ploy to take DH's time away from me?

Of course, DH is all chuffed that she's found someone and is asking for his opinion. EUGH.

Background: This comes after

Background: This comes after last week's nonsense about getting DH to accompany her to motorbike theory classes. What self-respecting 28yo needs Daddy Dearest to accompany her to classes?!

"I don't get it. She wants

"I don't get it. She wants him to meet the boytoy, but doesn't want you to meet him, because it's the early days?'

Exactly right. She wants Daddy Dearest's approval but doesn't want his wife around. That's why I think it's just another ploy to pry DH away from me.

DH will meet them for a quick dinner tomorrow before some meeting he has to attend. It'll be about an hour long and I can't be arsed to demand "both of us or none of us". I've decided to pick my battles and this isn't one of them.

I think it's more than that.

I think it's more than that. Way more than that. She's showing him what HE should have done--which is bring YOU around for HER approval when he was just dating you. She's rubbing it in his face and trying to make him feel guilty and apologetic and downright remorseful for not getting her (and the family's) approval before "forcing" YOU into THEIR lives. She's schooling him, hoping he'll make amends by dumping you. Like a good little Doormat Daddy should. Ugh.

Haha, if that's her game -

Haha, if that's her game - and I think you're quite right in saying she's trying to show DH what he should have done - then... TOO BAD. He's married me and I'm quite, quite certain I make him far happier than he was in his first marriage! }:)

He desperately wants to

He desperately wants to maintain his relationships with his children though. Can't blame him there.

What I did was, last night when we were cuddling, I said in a very calm, collected voice: "I'm not happy that you're giving SD the impression that it's okay that the two of you ignore me and the fact that you're remarried."

He said: "But what if she is not ready?"

I said: "She'll never be ready if you keep engaging her based on her own terms."

He was thoughtful and asked me to trust him, to which I said I did. I think I got through to him. Without throwing a hissy fit.

I reckon your DH should let

I reckon your DH should let her know that he has no interest whatsoever in meeting her boyfriend until she also includes you in the invite and show some damn respect!!

If he doesn't then the idiot is allowing her to treat you like a child by keeping you away and I'd be making him sleep outside until he gets it.

I've decided to pick my

I've decided to pick my battles and this isn't one of them. Let them have an hour-long dinner. Insisting that I be there seems a little petty to me. I long ago decided that I don't want to be where I'm not wanted.

We're newlyweds so I haven't

We're newlyweds so I haven't quite detached yet. But I really have to try. I agree about poisoning my mind with their activities hurting me!

My advice; begin building

My advice; begin building your life with DH on the high road; don't drag yourself down and then have to correct it later...

Wow. Okay. That's the most incredibly powerful piece of advice I have received on this website to date. Thank you!

PS. Your SD is 55 and *still* causing problems??? Good grief. I guess I'm in this for the long haul...

Sorry to hear about your

Sorry to hear about your situation. Your SD sounds like a nightmare. Seriously, you're 55 and you're still causing problems for your Dad and his wife? Get a life already. Geez.

When my SD had a new man, I

When my SD had a new man, I had already detached enough that I didn't care to meet him or her. My days are much happier without SD in them and DH can go deal with the drama alone while I get a pedicure.

This!!

Yeah. I'm in the process of

Yeah. I'm in the process of detaching. I'm just really peeved that DH doesn't see that SD is coming up with all sorts of reasons to have him alone to herself without me.

She is undermining me,

She *is* undermining me, right? I'm not overreacting, right?

I will point it out to him soon - either in a calm moment when the time is conducive, or when she really goes overboard and I crack. I did decide from the outset to let him spend time with his children and be magnanimous about it. Of course, I was expecting the skids to be reasonable... Silly me.

DH is very grateful whenever I let him spend time with his family and he really doesn't push it. So I have to choose my battles carefully.

Fingers crossed, she meets the man of her dreams and leaves us the hell alone. Oh wait, there'd be a wedding... EUGH.

His daughter is an adult.

His daughter is an adult. She doesn't have to like you. You do not have to like her. Your husband can have a relationship with his children that doesn't include you.

Why try to force a relationship between a bunch of adults who do not like one another?

Good point. I would like to

Good point. I would like to have a relationship with her though. So that my DH doesn't have to lead split lives. Not everybody's cup of tea but I'd like to try.

But if she isn't willing to

But if she isn't willing to do that, you have to accept it.

The great thing about being an adult in a step situation is having the freedom to decide if you want the interact with the step parent or SKs.

DH has made it known to the

DH has made it known to the family that he will not attend any event to which I'm not invited. In that, he has been very good about making it clear that we are one unit now that we are married.

I said to him, very calmly last night when we wer cuddling, that SD will never be ready to engage me as his wife if he keeps sending her the signal that she will have Daddy Dearest's undivided time and attention every time she crooks her finger. It made him think and he now knows how I feel and where I stand. I think it got through to him more than my hissy fit last week.

Good job, tigerlily. I don't

Good job, tigerlily. I don't think men respond when women get upset....only when we calmly present our side. My DH never listens when I'm upset no matter how right I am.

Yeah. I've learnt this

Yeah. I've learnt this through my previous relationships too. So now, when I'm angry, I try not to let it all out. I bring things up when I'm calmer and more rational, and we can talk things through properly. Trust me, I'm not naturally so reasonable! It's taken years and various relationships to control myself!

I'm actually quite sure we

I'm actually quite sure we will never be one big happy blended family. My brother-in-law comes from a blended family and his SM told me it took 10 years before the two sides attempted blending. DH's family not only isn't as open-minded as my BIL's family, they also ascribe to super right-wing religious views about divorce and remarriage. So the chances of them accepting me as SM is almost NIL.

What I'm trying to do is to keep myself open to any meetings and be gracious in all things so that no one (within his family or outside of family) has any grounds on which to call me a Wicked SM. They can act as if I've wounded them or caused a rift in the family, but so long as my behaviour is faultless to any observer and so long as I don't cause my DH any unhappiness, then I'm doing it right.

Bottom line: Kill them with kindness, have a clear conscience and enjoy a happy marriage.

Am I too optimistic? Maybe!

I doubt I'd make a big fuss,

I doubt I'd make a big fuss, but all doe eyed, I'd ask him if he was going to show the new honey the same respect she shows your relationship?

Ooh. That's a good one!

Love this answer!!! It DOES

Love this answer!!! It DOES go both ways. SD is exercising an act of purposeful exclusion. It IS a choice - a choice to be rude. Can DH not see that he is living by a double standard and being very disrespectful of you as his new wife? He should tell SD if she wants him to be accepting of her boyfriend she must be accepting of his wife. Quit inviting DH to your family events and see how he likes it.

He should tell SD if she

He should tell SD if she wants him to be accepting of her boyfriend she must be accepting of his wife.

Yes!

Yeah. Dh should tell her

Yeah. Dh should tell her he'll go to dinner with her, but not with the new boyfriend because he's "not ready." Ha!

Personally, I prefer that my

Personally, I prefer that my skid talk only to Daaaadddddyyyyy about crap like that. That way when it all blows up in her face, I had nothing to do with it and can't be blamed for any of it.

Let him have his disfunctional relationship with her. You're better off without all the drama anyway.

fedupstep makes a good point.

fedupstep makes a good point. You can't be thrown under the bus when you're nowhere near the bus.

Let him have his

Let him have his disfunctional relationship with her. You're better off without all the drama anyway.

Very good advice. Got. To. Detach!

^^this^^

It didn't sound like an

It didn't sound like an "occasion"....just Dad meeting SD and her new guy.

I guess I've dealt with a

I guess I've dealt with a crappy SD and her revolving lot of men for so long that I'd rather not be there. I don't ask to go along to all his meetings with friends, and I don't expect to be invited to everything involving his grown kids. He can have relationships that don't involve me.

My DH knows where I stand and he'd support me if I wanted to be involved in anything. I guess if the OP's hubby is disregarding her requests to be involved, that's one thing, but what I read was that the SD wanted only her daddy there...I didn't see what happened after she told him she wanted to be included.

I can't control what SD wants, nor do I care, but what my DH does in terms of what I want is what's important. Of course, if I'm always butting my nose in his and SD's relationship, he'd probably be offended. However, if they both purposely excluded me all the time for everything, I might not be happy. Or I might....LOL.

I still don't consider him meeting her new boyfriend to be an "occasion". I didn't see where it was a dinner, and perhaps it was just meeting in the shopping lot parking lot?

You've got the issue down

You've got the issue down pat!

I think I will ask DH at some point - when I'm calm and over it - whether SD would be happy if we asked her to dinner but excluded her new man. A reasonable question!

Rising2 has got the full

Rising2 has got the full picture.

SD asked Daddy Dearest to meet her new guy, without me there because it's "early days". DH, trying to keep it short because I'm not included, accept the dinner invitation but wedged it between work and another meeting so it would only be one-hour. That happens tonight (I'm in Asia so it's morning for you guys in America).

It wasn't a meeting in the parking lot. In fact, left up to the SD, it would have been a pleasant, long drawn-out dinner, taking Daddy Dearest's time away from me.

It really isn't about my

It really isn't about my opinion on her new beau.

It's about repeatedly wanting to spend time with DH on the condition that I'm not included. That's what I'm unhappy about.

I agree it's not a competition, but giving in to her wishes to exclude me is allowing her to disrespect me.

Ditto to that, catmom4!

Oh, trust me, I am happy that

Oh, trust me, I am happy that Miss Sourpuss has found a sad sucker. I was getting worried that she'd remain single all her miserable life and never leave us alone! LOL

What is wrong with these so

What is wrong with these so called "adult" SD's who still want to be Daddy's little girl? My husband's daughter is 33, married, with a small child. When he told her last year that we were getting married, she had no response. She never once said congratulations or asked about the details of the wedding. She attended with her husband, but sat there with a pout on her face before leaving early. She even had the audacity to bitch to her brother that Daddy didn't send her a Valentine's card that year! He sees how she treats me, but would never say anything to her about it. It's ok that my feelings can get hurt, but we can't upset the little princess.

VALENTINE'S CARD??? Good

VALENTINE'S CARD??? Good grief!!!

SD28 and SS32 didn't attend our wedding and made a big fuss by emailing the church minister solemnising our wedding to get him to *not* go through with the wedding. In the email, they called DH "desperate", "mentally damaged", "ignorant of why his first marriage failed" amongst other things.

I was SO happy they didn't come to our wedding. They didn't wish us congratulations and have not acknowledged our marriage - but I can't be bothered. Self-righteous, miserable sods.

I don't like SD, but I don't

I don't like SD, but I don't want it to be war between us. There was a time when I called her and asked her if she wanted to come along with me to the airport to pick DH up - and we three had a pleasant dinner afterwards. OKay, so it was a long time ago, but still, that's the kind of Second Wife I would like to be as it made my DH so happy.

I've come to accept that it probably will take a long time, during which I'm going to learn to detach, but I intend to be open-hearted and gracious. Just because they are horrid and rude doesn't mean I have to be.

SD55 sounds like a nosey,

SD55 sounds like a nosey, interfering witch. I hope you continue to keep her at bay!

Her actions are so similar to

Her actions are so similar to my adult steps. It's like they want to force the issue. Whenever my adult sd would do things like this she would be sure to look at me and snear as though defying me to do something about it and make a scene.

In our last conversation after SD 39 had told me so many ugly things and resorted to name calling etc she wanted to know why I didn't tell her what I really thought of her. She wanted an actual confrontation and seemed to need me to act as badly as she was - I suppose to justify her horrible actions and words.

I kept my dignity and refrained from doing so.

I think your SD is trying to get a confrontation out of you also. Would your husband consider only seeing her at her home so that this doesn't become an issue for you.

Deleted.

Wow. I don't understand how

Wow. I don't understand how people can be so full of hate. Did you show DH that two-page email? If nothing will convince him of her toxicity, this sure would!

Hmmm. I would die to find out

Hmmm. I would die to find out what was said between them about her email. But that's just me. Curiosity will kill this cat someday!

But NO, don't ever respond to her nastiness! I've had horrid emails sent to me as well. But I figure any reply - email or verbal - would be miscontrued, misread and taken out of context. When hate is at the root of communciation, there is no talking sense to the hater.

Leave it to God/Fate/Karma!

That's true. I'll amend my

That's true. I'll amend my goals away from "not wanting war" to "make DH happy". More attainable!

^^^THIS!!!^^^ --- is the

^^^THIS!!!^^^ --- is the first thing to do -- THEN you are equipped to make others happy, or not, depending on their receptiveness.

Anything to not have to see

Anything to not have to see the SD... but this girl is manipulative and evil, trying to steal time from you. It's all about getting Disney Dad to jump through hoops for her, and ignore you. Yes, he can have a relationship with her, but it should NOT interfere with your quality time together as a couple.

That's what I thought and

That's what I thought and needed to check with people here. Thank you!

Maybe it's about your

Maybe it's about your history, maybe that's why you are so offended. Personally, I think it's okay that she wants DH to meet her boyfriend alone. He raised her, they are close, his opinion is what she wants.

I'm a big advocate of giving the kids alone time with DH within reason. It might be good to sit down and figure out what is reasonable for you both in that regard (1x/wk, biweekly etc). If she knew she had time to look forward to, she may stop bringing up ideas to get him alone that leave you feeling excluded and offended.

Now is she is consistently trying to exclude you? If she invites other people but not you, that's exclusion. If she wants to go out with dad alone sometimes, that's reasonable. If they get into some kind of a rhythm (e.g. wkly coffee), it might help alleviate the stress so you know to make other plans and SD gets her dad fix.

Yes, she consistently tries

Yes, she consistently tries to exclude me. She has meals with her Granddad and invites DH, but specifically excludes me coz "she's not ready". She consistently acts like she's a victim of our marriage. Please. If she continues in this vein, she won't *ever* be ready.

Let DH know the 'early days'

Let DH know the 'early days' are over. My SD acted like a victim of our marriage - even though her parents divorced long before DH and I met - and it went on for over 20 years. She never was , and still isn't 'ready'.

At this point, you probably don't WANT to be around your SD anyway. But your DH needs to clue her in that if she wants respect for her future husband from him, she had better have respect for you. He really needs to show her that you both are united, and that his marriage to you is his top priority.

I really don't care if my DH goes to see SD without me but if he did it too often or it interfered with our quality time together, things would have to change.

Have you been to marriage counseling? Preferably one who specializes in 'blended families'.

No marriage counselling thus

No marriage counselling thus far - unless you count the pre-wedding sessions with the minister who married us; as well as doing The Alpha Marriage course during our courtship.

This post came *before* "Magic! That That, Hellspawn" and I think I managed to get my message across in that instance. He now acknowledges that SD will never be ready if he continues to engage her on her terms. And he definitely reassures me that we are a single social unit and he will get the message across to SD's new man that they'll have to accept me if they want him to play his father role in their wedding.

He's been lovely since

You are here

I see right through you, SD