How to explain awkward relationship with step kids to MY family
Two months into my relationship with my now husband I knew I had an issue with his kids. The kids were fine, but I realized that I had negative feelings towards them, like they were invading my territory or taking away resources from my future children (I know not logical, but very intense.) I was very honest with my husband and he made reassurances to me that me and our children would always be the top priority and that he would not let his kids or their mom come between us. Though it has always been a challenge, we have stuck it out. With compromises on both ends we have managed to find a rhythm to the situation that we are content with. He was never a very hands on kind of dad. His kids would come for two days every three weeks, until their mother became so jealous of our relationship (mind you they had been divorced 10 years when we met!) that she stopped the kids visitation all together. Since then, we drive out to see them for the day (they live in another state which is driving distance about 1.5 hours away). We go about once a month. I cannot lie, I do not love these kids. I am polite to them, even engaging and friendly. But deep down I do not love them or even like that they exist (I know this sounds bad). I am always honest with my husband and I also always try to do the best I can with them despite my real feelings. The fact that their mom is crazy and annoying does not help. Right before our wedding she harassed my husband and I so much via text message (cursing and days upon days worth of insulting junk) that we both had to block her from our phones. We don't have any communication with her (other than the check which gets mailed to her) or her family. He communicates with the kids on their cell phones. The kids always come with us when we see his family, who lives close to where the kids live. However, my family has never met them, and recently have been asking about that and inviting them to our family events. I don't know how to explain that I am just not that close with them and do not want to include them in my families events. My family is my only sanitary from them actually. It is a challenge for me that they part of my life, my husbands life and our life with his family. I don't want to now bring them into my family as well. Not to mention that I am just not close with them (I mean I see them for the day once a month), and I just know my family probably will not understand. If I had not lived through this myself I wouldn't even understand. Any ideas?
Honestly, if you were related
Honestly, if you were related to me, I would ask why in the world you want to have kids with a man who is content just seeing his children 1 day a month?
Instead of taking the cray BM to court, he went along with her keeping the kids away. He's not raising his kids. He's just a playing the fun cool dad once a month. Why? Because he has a crazy, controlling ex and a wife who dislikes who (based on what is posted here) haven't been rude, disrespectful,nasty...to her.
Nothing about this man says he is dad material. Other than paying CS, he isn't putting in any the sweat and tears that go with being a parent.
I'm a little confused. I get
I'm a little confused.
I get not liking the stepkids if they have horrible behavior and/or have done something to deserve it. From what it sounds like that isn't the case here you just resent their existence?
It almost sounds like you want your DH to abandon his non-feral, normal children so they don't infringe on your life. Is that right or am I misinterpreting this?
That's what I got from it as
That's what I got from it as well.
Me too, trying to understand
Me too, trying to understand her reasons for not liking them.
Own it. Tell your
Own it. Tell your parents/family the truth. Why hide it. You have no relationship with his children (nor really does he). Never have and have no intentions of ever doing so.
Seriously. You've been together 3 and 1/2 years and your family is just now asking about meeting the kids? Anyway....own your feelings and actions. If you're comfortable being who, what and how you and your DH are to the children, why not just be honest with them? They are asking out of kindness so your husband and you will know the children are welcome and would be accepted. Just tell them the truth and they certainly will stop asking and bringing the children up.
Between this post and the from two years ago nothing has changed. In fact DH/you see even less of the kids. Why hide it? Why pretend?
[previous post I referred to http://www.steptalk.org/node/124269
Why did you have to post that
Why did you have to post that link????LOL
It just reminded me how awful the OP and her husband really are. YUCK
Thank you for posting the
Thank you for posting the link. Now we have all the facts and can respond accordingly.
Ok, I just read the first
Ok, I just read the first page or so of that thread and I will now bow out of this conversation.
I'm not sure what it takes to get banned on this site but I am quite certain if I typed out what is going through my head right now I would end up banned.
Wow! Holy Cow! I feel badly
Wow! Holy Cow! I feel badly for these kids. How awful, she seems to dislike them because they exist and her husband stays with her? What a great Dad.....
He doesn't want them to exist
He doesn't want them to exist either. What an awful feeling for children to experience. It breaks my heart.
Wow. I'm definitely
Wow. I'm definitely speechless. I completely understand not having love for his children. I don't love my step kids either, but after seeing the original post, your husband doesn't have any love for them either. The bio mom was right to take them away, the only thing she did wrong was let them go back to seeing the two of you. My heart hurts for those kids, hopefully love from their mom, family, friends, and a good therapist will counteract the pain your husband has caused.
Oh, and to answer your
Oh, and to answer your question about what to tell your family. I'd try the truth: "My husband is a deadbeat and I fully support that."
Perfect response.
Perfect response.
Thank you! I tried to be
Thank you! I tried to be assertive yet eloquent, and keep my tendency towards Tourette's-like profanity at bay.
It had all those qualities.
It had all those qualities. Applause!
Ok well firstly, if you find
Ok well firstly, if you find it "awkward" to explain the relationship (or lack of) between you and your step kids does suggest that you realise that whilst you are fine with it, other people wouldnt be very understanding.
Now, the thing I dont get is that pretty much the only benefit to your partner having pre-existing children is your ability to foresee how they interact as a parent with their offspring. Ok parenting is not all sunshine and butterflies but the fact that you get a preview of that beforehand and this is the preview you have seen I cannot understand why you would consider having any children with this man. Much less how you can support the concept of signing off previous children whilst holding on to the fantasy of having a "family".
Are the kids rude to you?
Are the kids rude to you? Wondering what they did to make you not be fond of them?
In her other blog, she said
In her other blog, she said they were good kids, respectful, well behaved....
She just doesn't like them and do not want them around. When she gas kids she wants to sit back and pretend your husband's other kids do not exist.
Your husband is crazy enough to go along with her.
Chances are BM is giving them hell because she knew the OP didn't like the kids and was trying to come between them and their dad. Unlike the crazy BMs most here deal with, this BM is absolutely right this SM.
I wonder what's going to happen when the OP's family and Inlaws find out about her role in all of this.
Now, I don't see your
Now, I don't see your position as being selfish at all.
You are self aware enough to know that you do not want to be in the position of having to raise someone else's kids. And that's ok. There is nothing wrong with that.
It would have been selfish if you did what the OP did and married a man with kids then proceeded to cut the kids out of yours and your husbands lives.
Sounds like there are a
Sounds like there are a number of factors at play here, but I'm surprised that others are taking her to task for essentially disengaging. Her situation doesn't sound all that different from most of ours, she's just perhaps a bit more honest. Seems like the DH sees the kids as much as he's allowed to by the BM and he always takes the kids to see his family. Also based on the first post, seems like he made some bad decisions in regard to having kids in the first place. He was an alcoholic. So he was basically under the influence the entire time he made the first two and the 3rd one he basically acted as a sperm donor. So why should he feel any attachment to them? He made some bad choices and perhaps that's why he chooses to not be very involved. Does that make him a deadbeat? No, because he's still paying CS. Let's face it, divorce sucks, having children that weren't well planned by both parties sucks, and so on.
I feel the same way as the OP does about SS7. He's not a bad kid, but I see him as an intrusion. So I disengage. I treat him respectfully, but I don't go out of my way to do anything for him. He has two fully functional parents for that. We have Skidly EOWE, except when the BM's decided to schedule things on one of DH's weekends. My DH tries to be involved as he can, but the very nature of divorce and the fact that he's the non-custodial parent makes that difficult. And once again, I must point out that the very role of a non-custodial parent makes it difficult to be parent of the year in any respect, especially when the kids live in a different state and have a crazy BM.
And I can relate to the OP's family having no interest in the skids. My dad's 80 and lives 5 hours away. My mom passed away suddenly 3 years ago. They were married for almost 40 years. When I told my dad that I was marrying DH, he said that it was a bad idea due to DH being divorced and having a kid. My dad is very conservative and old school. And he's also not in the best of health because he's been undergoing treatment for prostate cancer. Am I going to force him to accept the skid and visit with him? Nope. At 80, he can do what he damn well pleases. And also, there's no point because Skidly has two sets of fully functional grandparents so my dad doesn't need to be involved nor has he ever asked to be.
So basically screw the outdated notion of applying a nuclear family model to the convoluted rats nests of stephell. My advice would be to tell your family the truth. There's no need for the skids to be involved with your family at all.
i dont tell my family very
i dont tell my family very much about SD14 and her shenanigans. my mom and sister have met her, but i dont bring her to family events as she's not my family and she'd embarrass me and my fiance with her behavior. her attitude and behavior is a reflection on my fiance (whether he believes it or admits to it) and i dont want my family to think poorly of my fiance. my mom is kind of a judgy type so this is what is best for us.
if my family knew we've called hte police and the hassles we've had with visitation and the like, they would be MORTIFIED and rightly so.