ADHD is no excuse for sociopathic behavior. Get Ss into more aggressive therapy. Does bm stir shit?

First, hi and welcome! Your story isn't one that we haven't heard before, and our advice is usually the same: Unless your husband and you are both on board with what's going on and what kind of punishments are appropriate for this kind of behavior, it will continue because both of you (but more your husband) are allowing it to happen. I can say that in our household, we do NOT tolerate putting our hands on another person, and, quite frankly, I'd go at it from the angle that your SS will eventually try to hurt someone bigger and more powerful than he is, and he might get injured, you guys might get sued, or something even worse could happen. Likewise, I don't think your husband wants his child to grow up to become someone who lacks empathy (hitting other people means he lacks the connection of putting himself in the other person's shoes and knowing what it feels like for that to happen) because he can easily develop antisocial personality disorders--if he hasn't already. This is a serious issue and I feel so bad for your little boy, and the future child that you are going to have together.

I'm sure you recognize that this is dysfunction at best and that something needs to be done about it--the punishments need to fit the crime. I'd be taking away TV time, toy time, and whatever else is your SS's "currency." And his father needs to express the disappointment in his child not by giving him long winded heart to heart talks (which may be the root of it--he wants the "attention", good or bad) but by doling out a punishment, having the boy apologize, then MAYBE having a short talk to make sure he understands why he's being punished.

I hope you find something that works for you, but, I repeat, your husband needs to be the one ON BOARD with this--otherwise he's raising a downright psychopath.

Keeping them apart is a great short term plan. But the solution needs to be your DH getting his head out of his ass and parenting his kid and stepping up and momma bearing to protect your children. SS has no qualms abusing a younger smaller kid because he's jealous..... So what exactly do you think is going to happen with the newborn?

If SS isn't corrected, this is going to get exponentially worse as he gets older, bigger and stronger. The fact that he feels it's acceptable now to insert himself into arguments and be disrespectful to you does not bode well for the future. While the ship has sailed, I do not understand having a baby with a man who allows his child to abuse yours. I don't understand staying with a guy like that but here you are.

Stop punishing your kid over ss's lies. Stop allowing them to be together alone ever at all. Never let SS alone with the new baby. I'd say tell your husband to get his little terror under control or risk having every other weekend with the new kid and a restraining order so that SS isn't allowed around the new sibling, but it doesn't seem like that's an option you'd take seriously......

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Oh dear is all I can say. Unfortunately your dh completely relates to his sons condition and is willing to provide a whole host of excuses and justifications over the aggression he is exhibiting, he is failing massively to stand back from seeing himself in his son (and the fact they both habe ADHD) and assessing the reality of the situation. Its a huge shame because if your ss is lying, being violent, disrespectful, destructive , unable to demonstrate remorse or empathy NOW then wth is he going to be like in a few short years and in his teens?! :jawdrop:

Real love, to me, is the ability to stand back as impartially as possible and apply tough love ...for the sake of everyone, including ss, who dh and bm are turning into a monster. Killing animals?! Omg. He certainly would NOT be permitted to be around my 3 yr old child and not the new born. All it would take would be for him to twist your little one or put a pillow over them amd that would be that, and you can bet that dh will not be on board with watching his son like an eagle...after all hes justifiying the 6 yr olds actions over your toddlers now amd taking out his frustrations and fears on him also. Poor mite, no wonder hes traumatised!

I would really urge you to get covert legal advice on this. The reason I say this, is because you are an intelligent education woman. You cannot be in denial nor can you afford the time to currently flap and panic over what to do, what to do. You need to get your ducks in a row. Imo your ss will go after the new baby and dh will continue putting his head in the sand (he will still see him as an extension of himself and thereby will feel ss is not capable of x, as after all the baby will actually BE his sibling). Its your primary job to protect your babies and yourself, from ss, and from your foolish partner. So you need to find out *how* to document your ss disturbing behaviours, so when (if) it becomes necessary you can block your OH insistance that ss have a relationship with new baby and even perhaps be permitted to enter your home when your ds3 is home. My advice my seem OTT but I assure it is not. The number of stories like yours I have read, where the partner never understands what monster he is creating with his permissive attitude/parenting, where the SM gets ridiculously blamed for a situation outside of her control and the other kids just get shunted aside and terrorised all in the name of daddy continuing with his ostrich behaviour and insistence that mini monster is included in everything. Plus you need to protect yourseld from ss6, hes a liar now, what lies will he come up with against you?! Be careful, you have much to lose with your two children.

Personally I wouldnt have him in my home. Not around me, my kids. Dh would be welcome to visit elsewhere, as its his son and he needs help...trouble is, your dhs version of "help" is giving him cuddles and talks when hes a horrible shit and screaming at ds3 (shame on your OH picking on your kid) while babying ss6. No doubt the new born will be held to a higher accountable standard than his much older brother, after all ss is broken...

Your ss would stand a much better chance of turning all this around if his parents didnt enable him. I can relate, as I had hyperactivity (and in adulthood was told ADHD as a child, although it wasnt recognised when I was born). I understand the violent urges, the lack of concentration and impulse control. While my parents were sympathetic (its not nice for any child to understand how different they are, and not in a good way). I was taught that if I was naughty I would be punished...this included violence towards my older sibling (who was just as bad as me lol), I was NOT permitted to use my condition as an excuse amd was taught accountability for my actions. In addition to this, by your ss age I was also very aware of what foods I was permitted to eat and what I wasnt (as you know diet is a factor in exacerbating the negative traits of adhd) and my parents could trust me to self monitor even at childrens parties, because I didnt want to be that way! No, punishment of bad behaviour was not hugs and talks either...

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First, welcome. I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the blended family dream.

Now ... you do realize that your idiot husband and his complete failure to parent his toxic spawn is the problem right? ADHD my ass. That is no excuse to justify or tolerate bullying and that your DH is using his own ADHD issues as well as the toxic Skid's ADHD issues as an excuse is nauseating.

In my experience the only way to deal effectively with a bully is to cause them more pain than they cause you. Since your DS is only 3 that means you and DH have to bring the pain to SS-6. You want an "effective currency" to use with SS-6 when he gets violent .... Paddle time!!!! Paddle meet bare kid ass ... each and every time he so much as twitches beyond acceptable behavior.

I had several incidents with bullies who were much like your Skid while growing up and my Skid (now DS) had a bully target him the first time when he was in 2nd grade. The bully was in 5th grade so the age difference was about the same as that between your toxic Skid and your own son. My kid would get off of the school bus with bruises on his neck from the kid sitting behind him and choking him during the bus ride to an from school. When I noticed the bruises and finally got my kid to tell me what was going on I trained him to respond when he was being choked by reaching back and grabbing the kid's ear and ripping it off of the little bully fuckers head. It worked wonders. The bully had his right ear about 80% severed from his head and never again touched my kid. End of problem.

The real fun was when the earless bully's dad knocked on my door one evening and tried to hand me the hospital bill for the ear re-attachment. I asked my son to come to the door and showed daddy-no-ear the bruises on my kid's neck caused by his earless wonder. I asked daddy-no-ear how old his kid was. Then I told him my son's age and told him that if his kid choked mine again that he would be paying to have the other ear reattached. The man swatted his kid's butt all the way down the street.

The police showed up shortly after that. When they saw the fresh and the aging bruises on my kids neck they left.

In a year or two give your kid a bat and tell him to flatten his StebBro's face with it if the elder one ever again lays a hand on either of your younger children. End of problem.

Bullies don't like getting their asses kicked and the only sure way to stop them is to beat them thoroughly. Preferably in front of the whole school so that they show up the day after as the whining cry baby and become the target of severe ridicule and teasing.

I spent much of 5th-7th grade being bullied. Until I realized that taking a beating hurt and if I fought back getting hit would not hurt any more than just taking it. So, I fought back. The bullies did not like that much at all. I had a few incidents in 7th and 8th grade. In 7th grade a 17yo 9th grader pulled a knife on me and tried to get me to kiss the school mascot that was painted on the floor of the school foyer. I refused. He attempted to pull me over the mascot and I fought back. Fortunately I did not get killed. A cheerleader walked in on the incident and the idiot ran. My mom saw a nick in my shirt with a little blood on it a couple of days later and forced me to tell her what happened. Mom and dad called the school and police, the thug was arrested. He had the knife on him and no one ever saw him again.

Shortly after that I went to an all night lock in skate party at our local roller rink. Yep, this was the late 70s. That was a cool thing to do back then. In a similar incident an older kid who I did not know decided I was a target of opportunity for bullying. He stole my Goody comb. If you were into skating, or had aspirations of cool in those days you had to have a big Goody comb in your back pocket. All night he and his little bully minions targeted me. I survived since the adult monitors kept things fairly well contained. The next AM when they let us out of the rink for our parents to pick us up the older guy and his minions again approached me. There were no adult monitors in the parking lot. I knew I was in for a major ass whuupin so I decided if was going to get hit so were they. They were approaching me while I was standing next to a planting bed that was being built of cinder block, rebar, and concrete. I grabbed a ~3ft long piece of rebar and informed them that there were enough of them to get me eventually but that before that happened the older bully fat fucker would be dead from having his skull caved in at which point I smashed a cinder block with the rebar and took a step toward the older buy. My dad pulled up at that point. I told the bully to return my comb or I would cave in his skull regardless. I got my comb back.

About a year later I was standing in the courtyard outside of the lunch room at school when someone jumped on my back and knocked me to my knees tearing holes in a brand new pair of jeans. As I stood up a second person jumped me. As I stood up the second time I cold cocked the second guy in the mouth and split his bottom lip into two flaps that hung open on either side of his bottom teeth. I turned to the first guy who pussied out and backed off. He was a kid that had targeted me in 5th grade at a stage when fighting frightened me. When he saw his buddies split face and bloody teeth in full view he wanted no part of me.

I was called to the Principal's office where my file was sitting on his desk when I walked in. He asked who the hell I was since I made decent grades and been in no trouble for the two years I was in his school. He did recall the knife incident and commended me for how I had handled it. He asked what had happened with the fight that resulted in the bisected face. I told him. He looked at my bloody knees and torn jeans, chuckled, told me to go back to class and suspended the two guys who had jumped me. There were plenty of witnesses who corroborated my account of the incident.

Ironically the kid who had to have reconstructive surgery on his face was the younger brother of the 9th grade cheerleader who had defused the bully with the knife incident. A few days after that fight I apologized to her for disfiguring her little brother. She gave me a hug and told me not to worry about it. That moment was when I found a profound appreciation for beautiful young ladies and gained the confidence to let them know of my appreciation. She recounted that her parents had climbed her little brother's ass for attacking me.

The final Jr. High School incidents were a few months later when my parents were out of town on their first non-kid vacation ever. My younger brother was staying with our next door neighbor and I was allowed to stay home alone. One evening after school I heard a couple of people talking outside of the front door. I went to my parents room where a window overlooked the door. A "friend" of mine was planning with a several years older kid to lure me from the house so the older guy could kick my ass. I have no idea why other than there were some residuals of the days as a target for bullies. The older guy hid in the bushes and the guy my age knocked. I opened the door, took a couple of steps and sat on my little brothers mini-Schwinn bicycle. When the guy approached me out of the bushes I stood up and beat the snot out of him with the bike. Lots of blood and stitches resulted. The idiots tried the same thing again about a week later. They thought they were smart by taking my little brother's bike into the bushes with them. That time I loaded my Crossman CO2 BB pistol, went out the back door, walked up behind them as they hid in the bushes and put several dozen BBs in their butts and kept pouring in the rounds as they ran down the street screaming.

The older guy's dad knocked on the door a few days later. His jaw dropped when a tall skinny kid about 5years younger than his son opened the door and his son stood there covered in stitches and bandages and said "That's him dad!". His dad just shook his head and chewed his son's ass for picking on a "little" kid.

The older kid ended up in prison a short time later for raping his 5yo little sister.

I changed schools several times between 4th grade and HS graduation because of family moves. During a few of those moves I had to defend myself from a bully or two who wanted to establish dominance in the pecking order over the new guy.

We moved towards the end of 8th grade. I was hitting my mid teen stature and musculature as well as morphing into a decent looking guy. Fairly shortly after I started at that small school the 9th grade hottie and I were hanging out. That made the targeting worse. Early after that move our PE classes moved to the pool. The guys decided that the pool was good place to try to intimidate me. Bad idea. I was a state ranked AAU swimmer. One day during PE about 6 of them surrounded me in the pool and decided that holding me under would teach me a lesson. So, when they jumped me I went under and proceeded to crush 6 sets of gonads with my fists and very firm grip. When I came up from my under water time several of them were barfing in the pool from severe testicular distress. PE was canceled that day. They never again approached me with anything other than a cautious but friendly hello.

The last incident was my Sr. year of HS. I attended a Military boarding school that was grades 7-JC2. A JC sophomore decided he did not like me. He was a couple of years older than I was. I was long past backing down or tolerating bullshit from bullies by then. I was the captain of the HS track team and practice had run late one evening so I and my team mates did not have time to get back to the barracks to change into proper uniform for 3rd Mess. I made the decision to authorize the team to attend 3rd Mess in athletic uniform which was against regulations. My nemesis approached me at 3rd Mess and ordered my and the team to leave as we were not in proper uniform. I informed him that his order would not be followed. He attempted to stand me at attention. Nope, I informed him that he and I were the same rank and I countermanded his order to my track team. He blew a gasket and mistakenly attempted to pull rank on me as he was Cadet Major and was under the impression that I was Cadet Captain. Nope, we had been promoted to Major on the same promotion order so I set him straight. He just kept getting more and more angry and purple. I informed the Colonel that he had better intervene and get his staff Major under control before he made a big mistake... which he did. The idiot was embarrassed in front of the entire Corps of Cadets. So, he called me out for the annual boxing match at Christmas that year. The ROTC Professor of Military Science was the boxing coach and sponsored the matches ever year. He insisted on seeing how well matched we were in a test match a couple of weeks before the actual event. In the ring we were pretty close which pissed of the jackass as he was a Golden Glove boxer and two years my elder. After the test match we were walking between the gym and one of the academic buildings when he shoved me. Bad move. We were no longer in a boxing ring with the Col. watching. When he got physical and there were no Marquis of Queensbury rules I beat him to a bloody pulp and the next day the Col. called me to his office to ask what had happened. I told him. He canceled the match and informed the asshole that he was very lose to loosing his US Army commission slot.

Interestingly .... the asshole ended up being one of the Texas Seven that escaped from the Tx Connelly unit 17 or so years later in 2000. They killed at least one person while they were on the run. He was the one who shot himself rather than be captured.

Again, I was probably lucky not to get killed during my response to his attempts at bullying.

Your DS-3 is suffering severe anxiety due to SS-6 and the bullying. That needs to stop now. So, you and DH bring the pain on the bully SS-6 and get this resolved before he really hurts someone or .... prepare your own son to deal with it aggressively when necessary. I suggest a paddle to the bare ass, countless hours writing thousands of perfect hand writing, spelling, and punctuation sentences, and many, many hours standing in a corner with his nose in contact with both intersecting walls while family life goes on happily within ear shot.

I share my history with bullying only to make the point that bullies never stop, and they never learn until they meet someone who will stand up to them. Your skid needs someone to stand up to him and tear him a new asshole.

Bullies don't like pain so bring it.

Gotta love karma though when a shit storm comes down on the head of a bully. I never much worried about why a bully was bullying. Their motivation never made much sense to me. I was nice, mild mannered, friendly kid until I had had enough. Then it was time to not be nice. So I wasn't. I never once started a fight and before I decided to respond to bullying with complete aggression I lost a few fights. Win or lose, bullies will no longer target someone who stands up to them.

At least in my experience. Get your Skid under control before your son beats him to a pulp in a few years. Or worse, before your SKid hurts your children.

Did your H check him when he got in the argument between you and your H and disrespected you? Because if he didn't firmly check him and punish him and let him know that he was never to do that again, you got big big problems. That boy has adult status. He is your equal in his eyes and his dad's eyes. It won't be long before he is given more authority in your household than you are.

Point #2 that boy is a straight out bully and little asshole in training. He needs to be checked by his dad. It's a good solution not to have your son over while SS is there. But there's the baby, and that will be hell on you watching the baby every second. And I mean every second.

Your son will always have anxiety cause his home isn't safe. Your H is a weak pathetic parent. It's easy to play the big man disciplinarian to your 3 year old. , who doesn't have a choice because he lives there. But he will kiss his precious sons ass and live in fear that his little asshole will refuse visitation.

I agree with Rags. The only way to stop a bully is to come up on him harder than he came up on you. The only way.

No meds, no counseling. No cuddle time chats with daddy.