In the past 6 months we have been having issues with my stepson’s anger and violence issues. He just turned 5 this month. I need advice! But first a little bit of back story:
SS5 and BS 1.5 go to the same daycare, as well as SS’s older sister (SD7) after school. It’s a private daycare run by an older woman who has done daycare for many many years. We are usually right on with her discipline style and the way she raises the kids.

When my son was born we were concerned that SS would have some major jealousy issues. Surprisingly, things went pretty smoothly at first. But it seems most of the concerns have come about at the same time that BS was able to walk around, and play with and take SS5’s toys. I figure it’s a lack of control over the situation. We DO make sure that SS5 has his own toys that are just his – we realized the importance of that. However, our BS doesn’t quite understand that yet, so the times when BS walks over to SS to play with something, it turns violent (SS5 will rip the toy away, hit him, yell at him, etc -- even though we have explained repeatedly to SS5 that BS doesn't understand that yet, that he can give him a different toy to play with instead).

The other factor we know has to do with attention. When it is just BS and SS at our house, SS is generally okay. But when SS’s older sister is with us the switch is flipped. I don’t know if it’s just one more kid that divides the adult’s attention? Or that someone else is also giving BS attention (she is VERY good with BS, she loves him so much.).
At daycare, the situation seems to change and isn’t always directed at just BS, but at the other little girls there. There have been incidents of punching them in the stomach, of choking them, pulling their hair, slapping and hitting. Most of the issues seem to be attention-seeking behaviors.

We do feel part of this issue is also a language/vocabulary problem. He has been slow at developing his language and we have been working with him on putting words to his emotions. That he needs to say "Mary, that makes me angry when you take the toy that I was playing with." instead of ripping it away and hitting someone. But we know this isn’t happening at BM’s house – she claims that this is just a phase and that all little boys go through it, and of course much of it doesn’t happen at her house, either, because BS is not there for him to get mad at.

I would like advice for effective consequences for these behaviors, as well as things to suggest our daycare provider to do. We are starting to see BS fighting him back (last night he started pulling SS5's hair and hitting him - and he received a short time-out for it) and want to nip this if we can right away. There are nights where it is just me and all three kids are in my care (DH is at work), so the punishment/consequence needs to be something that doesn’t totally punish the other kids too. When DH is home it is easier because one of us takes the “good” kids to the park and the punishment is that the “naughty” one has to stay home. It’s pretty effective, but as I said, atleast twice a week it’s just me and the kids. I don't want it to be something that I have to be constantly nagging him to keep doing (stay in the corner, stay in bed, stay wherever).

Let me also add that these punishments DON’T work: Time outs (yes we do use them but in this case I don't think it's going to be effective), taking away a favorite toy (he literally has no connection to any of his toys, he just says “Oh well, I can still play with ____”.) and making him go to bed earlier (he plays, we have to constantly give him negative attention by nagging him to get back into bed, etc – plus he shares a room with his sister so he just waits for her to come to bed.)

Here are some ideas I’ve received – but I’d appreciate more:

-- Must stay in his room by himself for an hour after getting home if daycare says he had a bad day
-- No snack time at daycare – they snack around 3:30-4, just wouldn’t get to participate in that.
-- No TV/movies or park for the rest of the week (too harsh maybe? and what if he has another bad day within that time frame?)

I’d like to consider some sort of a behavior chart but not sure how to work that out especially since we have him every other week and BM would need to instill it too.

Suggestions/comments?