"That's what EX used to do"
So my frustrations with my step kids shutting down Monday night escalated.
(I asked a question twice and they communally ignored my resistance in the room.) Posted
After confronting them, I left the house. driving towards where he was, I called my husband and told him what happened.
His first response was "ok, whatever" - pissed me off so I hung up on him, changed directions and went to a friend's.
When he called back several minutes later. I answered and said if he was going to have a whatever attitude towards me and what happened, iwas going to a friend's house(hour and a half away).
I texted him monday night when I was on my way home. I never got any other communication from him monday night.
Tuesday morning, he was short withme, said he had to go. I got the feeling he was pisssed at ME for what happened but he kept saying "we" were fine. At lunch time, I called and he answered "what?"
Said he was busy-not on lunch-and had to go.
After work he didn't come home, he went straight to his parent's house.
When he did come home he had to leave again (two hour drive). I tried talking to him in the shower and it was silence and one word answers.
After he was on the road I called him and said, "you are doing exactly what the kids did to me yesterday and without communication between us there is no relationship. So tell me now what is going on because ignoring is emotional abuse and if all 4 of you are ganging up on me together and deciding to abuse me in this way, don't expect me to be home when you get home."
THEN, it finally comes out.
"That's what bio mom used to do. She would get angry and just leave for hours and I had nothing to do but stew about that all night last night!"
That pissed me off even more.
"I'm not bio mom! Just because you are still hurt by what she used to do top you is no reason to take it out on me! I TOLD you where I was going and with who, hell I was even on my way TO YOU until you downplayed the situation by saying WHATEVER! What situation did you leave me in? The kids are ignoring me and I left the situation instead of telling at them, I'm coming to you telling you my feelings are hurt and this scenario is unravel unacceptable to which you say, WHATEVER. Of course I went to a friend's house!"
He said he had not seen it that way and didn't mean to compare me to his EX, but I told him the damage was done. If he wants to be pissed at me for over 24 hours because he mentally compared me to his EX then that's on him. I fully communicated what happened, why I left initially, where I was going, with who, and even texted when I was on my way home, tried talking to him the next day, and he was the one still stewing and not communicating. That's all on him.
When I first started dating
When I first started dating my SO, I cooked him dinner and used my laptop in the kitchen for the recipe.
Later that evening when he went into the kitchen he got on my ass about my laptop still being in the kitchen saying "If it gets ruined, I'm not buying you another one" I know this comment was BM related because she never worked and SO paid for everything. I got pissed and told him "You didn't buy that one and if it gets ruined because of something I did, I would never expect you to buy another one"
It actually took a few years before SO got the point that I wasn't BM (asking for money all the time). I think it was the cause of some fights because he was projecting BM shit onto me. He was so used to being in control of everything because he was the bread winner. I guess that was the dynamic between him and BM. I pay for half of everything including all Skids related expenses (except CS). I have as much say in every decision in our home as he does. He still likes to beat his chest and proclaim he is the man of the house. I just LOL.
When I was pregnant with our
When I was pregnant with our oldest, I made some innocuous comment like, "MY child will not be wearing pants with words stamped on the butt!" DH got pissed and said BM used to (still does) do that all the time - "my" child, like the kids weren't his. I apologized and have been good about not doing that again.
Recently, DH has been saying, "Do you know what YOUR son did today?"
*eye roll* I SWEAR they only do the "that's what SHE used to do" nonsense when they feel like it! Good for you for pointing out, in case it escaped his notice, that you are, in fact, not her.
*lol* Well, he said "your
TBH it could be helpful for
TBH it could be helpful for you two to work on your communication skills. I can see why he was annoyed, I see why you were annoyed. If you had had the conversation where you told him that "whatever" is not an acceptable response when you are fed up with his kids a few days earlier, then you two probably could have not had this back and forth of avoiding each other and the resentment towards each other growing.
Oh, I did tell him the day of
Oh, I did tell him the day of his "whatever" comment was not acceptable in response. It went something like, "Whatever??? I'm pouring my heart out to you telling you I'm hurting and your response is whatever??? Well nevermind, then I guess I'll turn the car around and go in a different direction since you have let me know you don't care what I have to say or how I feel. So there is no point in coming to you."
I think the problem happened between me and my husband because when I said I was changing direction of the car and not driving to him, he assumed that meant I was going home...and when we talked further and I said I wasn't back home I was going to a friend's...he was pissed. Even knowing where I was and why I left and when I'd be back.
All he remembered was that his EX used to take off and never tell him where she was going who she was with or when she'd be back.
I cannot tell you how many
I cannot tell you how many times I have had to deal with the backlash and flashbacks of effing BM. Even on our vaca I had to remind DH what someone else does IS NOT ME DOING IT! Unlike BM that LOVED other men to pay attention to her, I do not like attention from people I do not know. I do not want that. I do not disappear and leave DH and kids home with no car keys or bank card to go eff some other dude or chick.
I swear I have no idea what the eff is wrong with these men (mine included). They say we are confusing/crazy/etc. They are the ones that hold onto shit for life and make the next girl pay for the first ones debt. I had this exact talk with DH last week and I told him I will never pay another debt of BM's I already paid for her three damn kids.
We had a long talk Wednesday and I explained to him that it is unfair for either of us to be expected to pay off the ex's (emotional) debt because it will never be paid. We cannot hold each other accountable for what someone did to us in the past. I have to include myself in this to make DH listen otherwise he takes it as an attack on him and him not doing things right which in part might be true since I could not get ExH to listen to me, show any form of appreciation, or contribute to anything. I know I get overly pissed at DH when it comes to the things my ExH could not do. One of my biggest statements to DH during a heated moment is, "Remember my name, it is not BM". I even said this in front of our therapist and she said that I was correct to do that.
I had this out with DH early
I had this out with DH early in our relationship. He would point out things that I do that BM does. I told him he does lots of things that my ex does. But the DIFFERENCE is that I am a woman and his ex is a woman. And our brains are wired differently to men.
So me doing something or saying something his ex did or said was likely to be because we are WOMEN. The same thing applied to him and my exH. He would do things so like my exH I thought they were twins or I had made a horrendous mistake ... again. But no. It is just a 'man thing'.
Once we both learned to let it go for what it is we got along a lot better.
Also you can point out the reason for your reaction. Did his ex leave the house because the kids were ignoring her or because she was bored and looking for fun?
This is a dead horse that has
This is a dead horse that has been beaten to a pulp and needs to be buried or burned...I can feel him comparing me to his ex before he even utters a word about it. But we both try to say things like "when my ex would say x/y/z which is slightly similar it brought up x/y/z feelings in me (anger/defensiveness, etc) and that is kind of how it is feeling for me now; can we talk through this"
Usually this ^ conversation starter works; its all about slowing it down and trying not to get caught up in negative communication patterns.
Fuck that noise. If SO even
Fuck that noise. If SO even ever so subtly made any friggin' reference to me about how his ex did shit..he'd find himself at the door with bags packed. I would be damned insulted because she is NOTHING like me - physically or mentally. I'm not an emotionally crippled, manipulative, dominating control freak like she is. I don't lie to him, take money off him and send it off to my famz overseas instead of paying bills. Hell..I pay 50% of all our bills..all the way.
I did notice early in our relatonship that he would say things that would seem weird to me.. until I realised he was referring to how BM would do things. I shut that down real fast by talking about how my ex and I did things when we were still married....he HATED that and learnt real quick not to bring that useless twit up.
Them kids won! The leader of
Them kids won! The leader of the gang got their way. What probably happened was that some how during the week he got onto the kid and the kid started taking it out on you by ignoring you. Later you and DH fought. You see what just happened? Talk to your husband what is going on. When he gets so frustrated, you and him can play them at their own game. Next time the kids ignore you, you don't say a word again and go directly to DH (in private) both of you start loving and kissing all over eachother , laugh with eachother and that shit will stop. They are trying to play the parent trap for BM brownie points. By him going straight to his mommy was childish. Ya'lls business shouldn't be put on the streets with friends because then they will have inputs which will annoy the shit out of you later.