Hi everyone -

I'm new to this forum. I have a bit of an unusual situation I guess. My teenage SD's mum lives in another country and her grandparents (particularly grandmother) have been heavily involved in raising her. I disagree with their parenting style (very indulgent/permissive) and we've done things (or tried to) differently since moving in together 3 years ago.

The results have been a teenager who IMO has problem solving issues and very little tolerance for what she deems "stressful" i.e. picking up after herself, rinsing her own dish before it goes in the dishwasher, turning on the fan in the bathroon when she showers, putting the sheet on her bed (not even fully making it!), not being allowed to do whatever she wants and getting everything she wants (e.g. an ear stretcher - she has been allowed to get tongue and belly ring, going out drinking and hanging out on the streets at night), being expected to treat us with a level of respect (which she frequently doesn't)... I could go on.

It has felt from the very beginning that there was a creation of "sides" - where her grandparents are on her "side" - and this then validates for her how hard done by she is (which is not AT ALL) and how awful we are (which we are not). It feels like we are the family scapegoats, when all we have tried to do is provide a safe, happy and responsible enviornment to launch this kid from - so she'll be as prepared as possible to live as an adult and have healthy coping mechanisms when things don't go her way (which will of course happen!)

Many times we have calmly discussed how we want the best for her and that does mean, if she wants more freedom etc., that also comes along with responsibility etc.

Her grandmother had a go at us both about 16 months ago about how we were "strict" and made various other attacks such as me not being a mother and being "religious" (which I don't see myself as at all - yes, I have faith - but I'm not a nun! and def don't force my beliefs on anyone else!!!). We didn't respond at the time because I was so shocked and taken aback and also didn't want to say anything I regretted. We tried several times to engage them in a constructive conversation (we all have SD's best interests at heart etc) and the grandmother refused to talk with us!

All of this has culminated in what I feel is a kid who has developed unhealthy and unkind ways to try to get what she wants - as far as her short term thinking will allow. She knows there is tension in these relationships and seems to use it to her advantage. She's said things like "I tell Nana everything that happens in this house" - wow - invasive and threatening much? Not what a new wife wants to deal with... It's stressful and ultimately I just feel like I've zipped my mouth for so long and dealt with what I think are the consequences of someone else's poor parenting decisions (my husband's and his mother). My husand was a young dad who followed his mum's advice and guidance but he can see now how he went a bit wrong. It's not all bad by any means, but definitely has resulted in a kid who is very entitled and can't cope well with anything slightly challenging. I've tried to be peaceful and accepting about it all - but I feel like I'm about to explode from anger, resentment and really fear that all of this effort has amounted to what seems like so little.

Yeah - so really, just wondering if anyone else is dealing with interferring in-laws/grandparents and how you handle it?