I think its common. I am with you, but have an SD15. I have even felt that way about SS12 but not as bad as SD15. I actually was better when she was little, it got bad when she became a teen. Honestly, I think I don't like how she is turning out as a person and I think she is spoiled. SO doesn't see that, or if he does he doesn't want to do anything about it. I'm sure there is a host of other reasons for me being this way including insecurity.

I don't think I can be a model of dealing with it. I am disengaging some and I think I'm going to try doing my own thing when they visit. SO has told me he knows I wish it was just me and him, but honestly there is nothing that can be done about that from his end, which is true. So, I just try to work through it each visit.

Good luck to you!

You know, I have been accused of being jealous of SD19, but I swear I have never felt it myself. Why would I want to go back in time to being a child, where you have no power or independence, no car, money, etc.? I am surprised to hear that you really do feel this? as to me as the wife you are the one who holds all the cards honey. No offense I just don't see it?

It's normal and I think the root of it is this:
Our husbands love kids that they created with another woman who they once loved enough to procreate with.
Even when there is no rational threat.
I would recommend being the world to this little girl even when you don't feel like it. Believe me, start now that she's young and remember, your feelings are normal.
It doesn't make you a bad person. Acting out in an evil manner because you can't control your feelings is what would make you a bad person. And..... Do a lot of honest praying!

I think that a lot of this is just how we women are programmed. It seems as though you have a good DH who is being a good, loving dad to his kids and giving them healthy boundaries. I recommend what babedow77 said. Is there anything that you and SD could do together, i.e. make a craft, play a game or cook together? These are all great ways to bond with little kids. When you feel the jealousy coming on, remind yourself that she needs her dad, that DH is making sure that the kids treat you with respect, and think about the positive qualities she has and the things about her that you like.

You're not an evil person at all. You seem like a very caring person who can be a great influence to these kids. I too am a custodial stepmom and my relationship with the kids has improved tremendously over time. That's the biggest thing I suggest: give it time. Get to know and try to grow your relationship with her, and hopefully things will get better for everyone over time.

I think a lot of it also depends on the relationship we have with our own father. I know in my situation, I have felt jealous of my partner's relationship with his daughter and through therapy I have realised I feel jealous because of the things I missed out on when I was little. My partner has been a very loving and kind father which is part of the reason I was attracted to him. So to see my SD getting this kind of love makes me feel jealous because it stirs up a longing in me.
How I have dealt with this is that I go to therapy and also my partner is aware of my difficult childhood so he is very loving and kind when I feel insecure. I would never directly say I feel jealous of his attention to his kids, but instead I might identify a need and tell him about that.
I have still been hurt in this relationship but we are trying to work through things.
I hope that all made sense!

Welcome to the Jealous of Step Daughters club! I am in it and there are a lot of us on here that are. I think it is just in our nature of being female and don't over think it. My BF has a daughter that is 17 and I have known her since she was 14 and I am still jealous of her. She wants all his attention and gets mad when he and I show affection towards each other. I honestly don't know if their attitudes ever change.

Additional issues, I don't actually like how SD is turning out as a person. I see her becoming more self centered, thinking she's hot shit, less appreciative of what is given to her. SO has pulled back on giving her things and purchasing things, but he is already on a different scale for purchases than the normal person (I think he's too indulgent), so what I say is pulling back could be normal for most.

Its not impressive to me that she thinks she's so cute, taking a thousand pictures of herself and putting them on facebook so her friends can gush all over her. She's become the popular girl and they always sucked when I was in school. I don't think she's very nice to people that she doesn't like. So yeah, my childhood again, coming in.

I just have to chime in here for a second. I had those feelings for my SD5 for short period. Her Dad treats me like a Queen and does what he can to integrate all of us. She however, would always cry and want to hug him whenever I am around or if we are sitting together she would force herself in the middle. Because she is his only daughter, she is his princess but within boundaries of course but at some point she started to get on my nerves with the needy behavior. DH must have recognized it because he started showing more affection towards me in front of the kids so they would become more comfortable with us as a couple and I think it has worked because I don't have those feelings towards her but I am actually understanding that a daughter requires her father's attention and during those hours is the only time she gets it because BM has custody.

The other day she came upstairs as she was doing a project for school and asked if I was part of her family, I politely explained to her that I wasn't as we are not officially married and our baby is set to arrive in June but I still call him my husband

I truly believe this is totally normal and I have a feeling it goes both ways. It's unnatural to share your husband/dad with another woman who is not your daughter/mom. I think it's that simple. Sucks doesn't it. I have a SD who is the spitting image of her mom and when she drapes herself on DH it makes my skin crawl. Then I feel small and petty for feeling that way, then I forgive myself.

oh my goodness.....I am so thankful to read the stories and feel validation for a struggle I'm dealing with. a 16 year old daughter of my partner. I have been talking to myself ALL day today feeling shame about my jealousy...telling myself I'm the adult I have no right to feel jealous of her! thank you for being here and for being honest, when it's not so easy to admit the feelings we deal with. I had no idea there are other women feeling this way.

Unfortunately my BF has spent the whole day with his daughter and I've felt tremendous pain..it caused arguments and I completely disengaged a week ago to avoid further pain. (she was supposed to be coming down to visit him so he told me he cant see me during her time here, as he wants to make her feel special and make sure she's ok with us) she hates my guts and makes it very clear. we don't live together yet and I'm holding off so the tension can hopefully ease over time??? the times I've been at her dads when she's there she's been HORRIBLE and has stared she doesn't want me or my kids around. He's extremely doting and protective of her and has told me "stop calling or texting me until you respect my relationship with my daughter" - that was the last weekend she came down.

could go on and on but really I just wanted to thank you all so much for having the courage to admit something that carries a lot of shame.
love and hugs
ps. I didn't even know that disengaging was a common coping mechanism!!!

edit: I have taken a week off from seeing him and just told him yesterday I need more time...I'm so sick tho during this time - cant sleep, anxiety etc.

please be compassionate when responding as I'm in a difficult place. I love this man more than any man I've ever known. I'm 50 years old and have 2 kids myself so I have lived and loved and am strong but this is a very difficult challenge I've never faced before and clearly I'm not managing it very well.

the way he calls her "beautiful" at the end of most sentences to her, the way she has him wrapped around her finger and manipulates him, how hostile she is towards me, and now this new phase where he wants to focus on her and be alone with her to make sure she's doing ok post divorce. they have only been divorced (her mom and my bf) for a year. yes, I know she needs time and she's going through a lot....thanks for listening to my vent. any suggestions would be welcomed but again please be kind this is very painful.

Hi Janemae,

This thread is a couple of years old so you might get more responses if you start a new thread of your own.

Alot of us are dealing with mini-wife stepdaughters from hell so you won't feel alone here.

Katielee

My boyfriends daughter is 4 and has figured out that if she demands to stay at her grandmother's next door and refuses to come home hell leave the house and stay the night over there away from me and it's now happening at the time and she tears a divide between us that I can't stand. He doesn't seem to see the wrong in it but what happens when or if we move away to my new home together and he leaves everytime she's there to stay at his mother's? It causes so much jealously and resentment.

It's tough to admit as a grown woman that I am jealous of a 4 going on 5 year old . I love my step daughter and she is so sweet but she does have her days where she tries me but overall she respects me . She is my daughter's oldest sister . The middle sister is also my step daughter and my daughter's second oldest sister . I don't feel jealous towards the middle child . Only the oldest because that's my fiancé's oldest child . Ever since my child was born I felt very jealous of her oldest sister  and every time she would come around I get this feeling . She always try to steal daddy's attention and hog him and I always get jealous as if she is trying to steal her dad from me and her youngest sister which is my biological daughter . I get scared that she's going to be one of those kids who try and push mama and dada back together but I don't think so because she wants all of us to live with her lol . I have to think mature and have to realize that she only acts this way because she doesn't live with her dad 24/7 so I can't be selfish and my daughter loves her big sisters . I used to feel jealous because once my daughter was born I used to be paranoid that he would love his oldest two more than mine . I even felt that he loved his oldest more than the middle child and youngest because they bond so differently since their personalities are similar . Middle child is calm and collect like me and  her mom so she doesn't play rough and clings on to me more when she is at my house. My youngest daughter is rowdy like her dad and oldest sister so they bond well so my jealousy in that matter disappeared once I realized that my partner treats them all equally as daughters . However , I still get jealous time to time when dad shows more love and affection to oldest compared to the youngest two sometimes when they aren't around oldest sister  I guess it's because he raised the oldest until she was 2 before splitting with their mom so he have a different bond with her but he was not living with their mom once second child was born . I just pray that I can get over the jealousy and realize that he is just being a loving father ... something I was missing when I was younger . And I pray my step children don't turn against me and try to sabotage my relationship with their dad once they get older in their teenage years 

I haven't been able to be open about how I feel to many. My step daughter will be 8 soon, and I can't stand the sight of her with her with my BF. She's very manipulative, very sneaky mean, of course all this behind her dads back. 
i have a 1 year old son with my bf, but it seems like she's his world. There's way too much to type out. I have so much resentment towards both of them. Her for being manipulative, mean, she always tries to compete with me, him for some stuff that he's said and done where he makes it clear she's his number one not my son, but I'm also jealous and feel threaten by her when it comes to me.. my relationship is falling apart because he knows how I feel about her as I've been very open with him. 
It makes me mad that he'll let our family break up over this.