New visitation schedule ruining our relationship
I need someone to talk too because I honestly don't know what to do. Soon to be DH just established his rights with his son. Visitation was always 8-10 days a month for the last four years, and DH paid BM out of pocket every month no court order on anything. He also does all the driving for pick up/drop off and on non visitation days for school events and dr appts because BM doesn't have a drivers license. DH worked overtime every other Saturday and saw his son every Sunday from 10am until about 9pm and from 3pm to 9pm one-two weekdays every week. I work 12 hour days, so between his ot and my job we didn't get very much time together. We have been engaged but haven't done any wedding planning due to money issues.
Now his new court ordered visitation schedule is every Monday, every other Friday-Sunday, and when he doesn't have him on the weekend he has him on Wednesday. Scheduled pickup and drop off time is not being followed despite the court order because of the time he gets off work. I guess it causes him to get in town an hour early so he just picks S up. Drop off time is supposed to be at 7 but he isn't following that either and drops him off at 8. DH says he gets more time with him that way, and BM was used to S being dropped off at 9 so she doesn't say anything.
With this new schedule, DH is losing overtime like crazy because Mondays he has to leave work a 1/2 hour early to make the pickup time, and he can only work ot the Fridays and Saturdays that he doesn't have visitation, leaving no time for "us". Our physical relationship is now non existing. The burden of our grocery bill and ANY entertainment (going out to eat, bowling etc) our Netflix acct (which SS uses non stop when he is over) our laundry card, and our cell phone bill falls on me. Our rent is due tomorrow and DH just informed me today he doesn't have all of his share. Money was never this big of an issue until the new visitation schedule came into effect. DH is losing that many hours at work, and when I tried to bring light to what the schedule was doing he snapped and accused me of being jealous of his son instead of the facts. Thanks to the holiday schedule from the judge, DH has visitation three weekends in May instead of two, more ot loss. Visitation also falls on my birthday this year and the weekend following my birthday, and our dating and engagement anniversary. SS is in boyscouts as well, adding even more time to visitation because I can't be involved due to BM involvement, and also because many activities fall on "our" weekends, taking away even more personal time I wish we had together.
I know how petty this sounds, I just feel like all I do is work while he gets to work 8hrs a day and spend time with his son, and when he doesn't have visitation he is ignoring me because he is tired from work. I just tried last night to bring this to his attention and all he does is interrupt me and say I'm jealous and that he's not going to be a half-"blank" father and I need to get used to that. I'm feeling unappreciated and lonely...what do I do?
I'd ask him why he feels it's
I'd ask him why he feels it's okay to be a "half-ass" husband and what kind of father does he expect to be if he is homeless because he didn't pay the rent?
I would be wondering if he's
I would be wondering if he's more interested in you and or paycheck.
He's made his choice. He wants to work less and spend more time with his son. Now you have to make your choice. It isn't working for you, emotional nor financially. He isn't going back to the old way...he's telling you that clearly.
For whatever reason, he choose to pursue this change in visitation/schedule/custody time. This is what he wants. Didn't the two of you discuss all this while the sides were going through the process and negotiating proposals? Didn't you both discuss with each other what this or that would mean to his and yours relationship, time together and prior financial obligations?
You should not be subsidizing his finances. You should not be working more so he can work less (unless you were naïve enough to actually agree to this before the change was instigated). What happened between 'I'm going after my rights and more time with my son' and the current situation you find yourself in?
Honestly as far as court went
Honestly as far as court went there were only two meetings/negotiations. We still don't even know what his court ordered child support is. As it stands now according to the judge he has "typical visitation". This schedule has only been in effect a little over a month now, he expected to be able to get enough overtime in his days without his son and didn't think it would effect us (hoped to have most weekends off). However it seems like he is scrambling to get whatever bits of ot he can, I don't think his employer is happy with the leaving early and lack of weekend working and may be retaliating? DH lawyer told him that the schedule will have NO effect on his child support unless he has 50/50, how can a judge order him to pay money he doesn't have? They set a visitation schedule before a child support amount. His paystubs have not been asked for since the visitation schedule, how do we let the judge know what this schedule is doing to his income? He is losing so much work now.
My name is on the apartment lease and utilities with DH, I can't default on them I have never been late in my life.
It's not petty. I started
It's not petty. I started loading my calendar with holidays and "Skid weekends" - I know every personal conflict during a skid weekend a year in advance.
I'm sorry for your situation, but clearly you are not alone. Seems as though history strongly indicates that this will only get worse. You have to decide if this relationship is worth this man's child, because everything in your life will in one way or another, revolve around that child. Simple as that.
Ask him if you weren't there
Ask him if you weren't there picking up the slack with the bills if he would be able to spend that much time with his child? So why should the responsibility of that land on you?! He is definitely not appreciating the roll that you are playing which unfortunately right now is all financial! He has to respect you and love spending as much time with you as he does his son or your relationship will NEVER work out! You will be years down the road wondering why you didn't jump off a sinking ship sooner! If you can sit down and have a real heart to heart with him that he will listen and be responsive/supportive of- then there is hope but if not then I say go find you a man that appreciates all you do for him!
Its court ordered visitation,
Its court ordered visitation, DH says he doesn't have a choice now BM can report him for not seeing his son. And I guess the same goes for BM if she denies visitation? I don't know how any of this works. How can a judge order visitation before support is established, shouldn't they review what the new schedule does to his income before deciding what BM gets??
^^^That^^
^^^That^^
This happened to me a while
This happened to me a while back when SO and his kids came to live in my house and I ended up having to pay for everything as his wage was going virtually to paying for his lawyer for court....I saw RED when his 19 year old unemployed daughter one year out of finishing school was GIVEN a car of his he wasnt using for her SELL so she could have some MONEY (not get a job like all of us have to)...I asked them all to leave!
Stand your ground!!
People treat you how YOU LET THEM.
Dont let him take advantage of you. If you continue to complain because he isnt helping, then it falls on YOU for LETTING HIM.
And I have to ask....whats in
And I have to ask....whats in it for you?
How is HE a catch and potential marrying material?
If you truly love him and
If you truly love him and want to stay with him move out. Find your own place and be self supporting. Then he has to find a way to pay his own bills. You will have your own front door to close when you decide. You get to spend your money on your bills and are not supporting the kids movie habits etc. And I bet inside 6 months you will not be with this guy anymore or he will shape up.
See, this is the big problem with living together. Someone gets taken for granted.
And there is no legal recourse to protect your investment like o/s bills you have paid for him.
IF he thinks moving out means you are finished then this definitely tells you he is using you.
What everyone else said. He
What everyone else said.
He is using you and your paycheck to cover his expenses. The fact he addressed your money concerns with a version of "You Hate My Kid", and then tells you he can't cover his rent is all you need to know.
Get out now, or you will end up resenting the crap out of the kid and hating yourself because of it.
Just an extra thought....I
Just an extra thought....I kicked them all out but a year and half later we are stronger than ever as my SO soon to be DH (getting married in April) realized that if he didnt start involving me and being on the same page, we were through.
I was determined NOT to accept being treated as an afterthought but as his PARTNER.
He lifted his game and started to SHOW me his commitment to me.
Now they are back living with me but with boundaries and expectations so it is possible to turn it all around but I refused to accept the crap he was expecting me to tolerate.
he is using you, maybe not
he is using you, maybe not intentionally. my dh did this also and accused me of the same (jealousy). he really didn't see that I was footing the bills for everything because his lifestyle did not change. once I told him that I would NOT be paying anything over my share, and demanded his share every payday (or else he had to move), he noticed that he didn't have any money left. he fixed it himself. of course, it wasn't this simple. there were lots of fights (he even moved in with his mom for a few weeks and I wouldn't let him move back until he agreed to my requirements - one of them being getting a second job). he got my point. it was a hill to die on for me. no way in the world was I gonna finance him because of his child. when he proposed/married me, he took on more responsibilities, some of those being as my equal financial partner who has committed to OUR home and OUR future (notice how this had absolutely nothing to do with his kids?). a lot of times men are absolutely clueless and will remain that way until they are taught. of course, my dh loved me very much, so it didn't break us. but, I was willing to take that chance.
in my case, I expect my dh to
in my case, I expect my dh to pull his weight and if that translates into seeing skids less, so be it. he/his ex wife should have realized that someone was going to get shafted when they split up and prepared for it. believe me, my dh did miss out on a lot with his kids, but he had court-ordered child support that he had to take care of, and he also had to support himself. HE should have been the one prepared to be with a woman whose kids are grown, and who expected to have an equal partner in life. not one time during our marriage ceremony did he promise to put his kids above all others. imo, if a man won't/can't promise a woman that he will put her above all others, then he needn't get married. too many men realize they need help after they split with bm and hurriedly jump into another relationship with the EXPECTATION that the new love will fill in the gaps that bm had left. and, yes, wife is still #1 priority, even in a full custody situation.
that being said, I would have no problem footing the bill when I know my dh has/is doing everything in his power to uphold his part of the promises we made to each other.
You've got 2 separate
You've got 2 separate problems here. One is money. Your FDH is not meeting his obligations. This is completely unrelated to his child. Yes, yes, I get that you see him spending money on his kid and translate that to the kid being the issue, but it's not. FDH is obligated to pay rent. He is failing that obligation. It doesn't matter WHY, because money issues are NEVER "if not for this one thing it would all work". And too, if you bring the kid into this argument, he's going to get all Papa Bear on you (which he did) and not address the REAL ISSUE - which is that he's shafting you. So go back and have that discussion again. Do NOT bring up ANY way in which you think he could solve it. All you do is tell him, "Hey babe. Rent is due. You're not going to make us homeless by not paying your share, right? 'Cause I'm starting to feel like you're taking advantage of me here, and I need to know you love ME, not my money."
Your other problem is "visitation" I suppose. It's leaving you feeling like your FDH doesn't have enough time for you. And on this one.... sorry, I'm going to tell you to deal. The solution is NOT to see his son less. That's actually a pretty awful thing for you to suggest. Your FDH needs to make you feel important to him - but YOU have to remember that he IS a dad, and that came with obligations of its own. I also want you to think about something, something that most SM's don't consider before getting married. How would you feel if BM died and you became custodial? What if you had SS 24/7? Because if you're not OK with that, do NOT get married. It's happened to other women here, it could happen to you just as easily. Think seriously on that, and if it's a deal breaker for you, then either wait to get married or break it off.
Netflix: GONE Bowling:
Netflix: GONE
Bowling: GONE
Out to eat: GONE
You: GONE
IMHO, this man is using YOU to be HIS financial support. If you weren't there to foot the bills, I guess he would have to entertain his son without Netflix and other stuff. It is HIS job to pay for HIS kid. A responsible adult also pays HIS bills and does not rely on someone else to pay his way.
Let me say that he is using
Let me say that he is using the kid schedule to use you. I say this because my DH doesn't have a kid schedule issue in which he can blame that he can't/doesn't pay for his full share. I pay the mortgage, I did in the first marriage, so I thought so what.
I pay the car insurance, ok he pays for both cars, no biggie. Here is where the shit gets deep so to say. We had a kid, yes he begged and I said OK let's have an US baby, bring us as a full family. I pay 100% of all of our kid's bills, daycare-me, clothes-me, food-me, everything that relates to OUR daughter I pay.
I also have 2 other children in which I split custody and have to pay CS, so it's not an CS issue. DH also always seems to have money. I say I can't pay xyz, he'll wait until the last damn minute, (as if I'm lying) and then give me the money. Mind you it's usually just gas money or like $50 or less.
So if you don't have kids, he isn't SATISFYING you, and it's obvious he isn't in any way. LEAVE!!!
A few years ago someone told
A few years ago someone told me something that has stuck with me "We have to teach people how to treat us". For some of us (like me) being in love and loving a man puts blinders on us and we are heavy into a relationship when we look around and go WHAT?
I have been in your situation so I do understand but as long as you continue to pay more than your fair share (which is half of your household expensives, and not more than half) then FDH will continue to take you for granted. I agree with the above poster that this is a separate thing from your FDH's child. Leaving him out of things, as he is not your responsibility, address things with your FDH. He must pay for half and if he cannot afford to, for whatever reasons, then its not up to you to supplement his income. Your joint lifestyle might have to suffer but that is something you also need to ask yourself. Are you willing to have a lower standard of living because you are with a man who has a child and an ex? In terms of not getting to spend as much time with him because of his child, there may not be much that you can do and its time to ask yourself if this is the relationship you want? I know I have always put my bio kids first and my DH does that to.....but we also had to find a good balance for putting each other first'ish. There is always a balance and it is as a couple that you have to find mutual time. Good luck!
I should also mention that I
I should also mention that I literally packed my boxes and bags and was moving out two years ago when my DH woke up and finally listened to me. I had to teach him how to treat me - as a wife, a partner and an equal. I love him but knew I could not continue being way off down on the totem pole of his priorities. He had to reassess and realize that I am and should be, way at the top. We all love our kids but that does not mean your FDH gets to use you.
He is the NCP. He can take
He is the NCP. He can take any visitaiton that is in the CO, he can also refuse any visitation that is in the CO without consequence ... unles BM takes him to court over it which may or may not be likely. His only requirement regarding visitation is that he must return the kid on time for any visitaiton he chooses to take. Even if she does take him to court the likely outcome is that visitaiton will be adjusted to mirror what your DH is taking anyway.
Since the current visitaition for the most part includes the time from the previous CO he can go back to that if it works better.