mini husband in the making **CRAZY**

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So the situation is this...

I was out with some friends and one of them is a single mom. No dad in the picture at all, never will be.

My gf, let's call her Mary, has a 4yr old son, lets call him John.

They co-sleep. She says that she has tried to make him stay in his own bed, but he won't and that, "He's only little once- I want to take advantage that he wants to be around me."

He showers with her every morning. Rise and shine and this kid runs to the bathroom, strips and waits for mom.

Mary wants to cut her hair, John says, "no Mommy." So Mary leaves it long. I spit wine and asked who the adult was?? Mary responded with, "He is part of this household and the man in the family, so he has a say." ummmmm :jawdrop:

How the hell do I make her see how damaging this is?

We have been friends for 25yrs, so I can be truthful with her. She has been by herself for 5yrs, no dating, no boyfriend, but eventually, she will get back on the horse. How will that play out?????

Hello Mary, Meet my wife. She

Hello Mary,

Meet my wife. She is your future self.

Meet my wife's son. He is 15 and he is your son's future self

Here are the things you can expect.

A) You are not just this kid's mother. You are destined to be his friend, confidante, social planner and geisha. Throughout his young years the child will avoid social interaction with other children like the plague. In fact, he will run in abject terror if another child so much as approaches him. Play dates with other parents so that their children can socialize and play together will turn out to be such an embarrassment for you. Not to worry, you can use "Oh he's just shy" as an excuse.

The longer you wait to break the co-sleeping habit, the harder it will get to get your kid out of your bed and sleeping on his own. That is, assuming you want that. My SS is 15 and still expects to be tucked in and be kissed good night by Mommy dearest. No, my wife and step-son no longer co-sleep (thank God), but my step-son is deathly afraid of the dark. So he cannot sleep unless there are at least three light sources on in his room and will not EVER go to sleep unless Mommy is there to kiss him goodnight. Also forget about camping, sleeping over at friend's houses over-night, etc. Your kid will not want to sleep anywhere unless it's in the same mattress as you are occupying.

C) Be prepared to have each and everyone of your conversations interrupted and summarily hijacked. Your son will spend every once of his energy to keep your attention focused on him AND ONLY him.

D) He will sit on your lap and expect kisses and cuddles. It's cute now. It's not so cute when your son weighs as much as you do.

E) Your son will not bother learning any essential skill. Something simple, like pouring a glass of milk, will cause drama and make him produce a puddle of tears if you so much as dare teach him to do it for himself. Your child will learn to master "self-helplessness".

F) He will never learn to be independant. He will be an extention of your will and emotion. In point of fact, if you ever leave his peripheral vision, he will go bonkers. "Where's my MOM!!?!?" he will ask over and over. Hopefully your BF will not decide to joke and say "Oh she left us to join a travelling circus", because that will give the poor boy a heart attack.

G) He may get friends when he is older. He may even get a girlfriend. But these relationships will be fleeting at best. After all, you have provided him with all the emotional intimacy that he will ever need. No need to find another mate to forge a relationship. Not even sex will matter to him...so long as he has internet connection.

H) Same holds true for holding down a job, doing well in school, etc....He has no vested interest in these since these are evolutionary events to help the child become independant and your child has no interest in being independant. His sole and primary interest is you and sticking to you like glue. Making him responsible for ANYTHING is like teaching poetry to goldfish.

Well said. When my husband

Well said. When my husband was killed my son was 10 and my daughter 4. I took them to a hospice event to help them with our loss and a psychologist there approached me and said she could see signs of my son "acting like the man of the house" especially with his little sister. She asked me if I would be interested and come for a chat and I did. It was THE best thing I ever did for my son. She explained that boys alone with single Moms (especially those that lose a Dad) tend to act like the man of the house and that is incredibly destructive to their future growth. She gave me all sorts of tips and advice to allow him to be a normal kid, and age appropriate behavior but to never encourage him to grow up too fast or feel he had to be the man of the house. I may have gone the other way a bit in discouraging him from being a Mama's boy but he is 24, independent, loving and financially responsible with great friends, I am very proud of him. And so happy that a professional saw something odd and took the time to help me. If it were me, I would approach your friend in a gentle way, maybe there is a book you could buy her? I had one once, raising teenage boys alone I think was the topic. You are her friend, she may not even see what she is doing to this child. You might lose a friend but you owe it to her to try, imho.

When my son was 6 his dad

When my son was 6 his dad died. Everyone kept telling him "he was the man of the house". I told him again and again he wasn't in charge, I was. We had some issues with this about a year after. But, he got it. We are still very close, but I am mom and not his friend. We still talk everyday and I do support him and pay for college, but he is my son and there are boundaries.

I would tell her now, she is creating a problem and a kid that will have "mommy issues". No girl is going to want anything to do with that.

very true Cat, We have little

very true Cat,

We have little in common, and even less now with this nonsense. It just makes me so sad.

BM died two years ago. SD19

BM died two years ago. SD19 is craycray. Draco's C and E - H are her. She can't do anything and puts it on Disney Dad. She'll be 20 in a few months and still throws tantrums when asked to shower or clean the trash from her room. She is a controlling, ODD POS. She is CONSTANTLY deflecting all fault onto everyone around her. It's NEVER her fault.

OH so helpless.......

~ Moon

Oh brother, don't get me

Oh brother, don't get me started on this one.

As I have said on here many times, DW is a "friend parent," and that meant that her kids most certainly "got a say" as the OP put it. I can't tell you how many times I was "outvoted" 3-1 by DW, SS, and SD, on even the most logical, straightforward issues. She absolutely refused to lay down the law, and always asked the skids's opinions on every decision. She would occasionally resort to bargaining or offering treats to get the skids to "choose" what DW wanted, but at the end of the day the skids made virtually all of the decisions.

"He is part of this household

"He is part of this household and the man in the family, so he has a say."

Is there ANY chance she meant that tongue in cheek? Joking??

If she was serious, then there's your opening right there. "Mary, I was thinking about what you said about John being the 'man in the family', and I want to talk to you about it. I'm a little worried for John. It seems like you might be placing an awful lot of responsibility on him, making his opinions on things like your appearance count for so much. He's such a great kid, I'd hate to see you accidentally set him up for failure by making him your partner when he needs a MOM. He deserves better than that."

Really, you HAVE to put yourself in the position of being the kid's advocate. It's the only way she's going to hear you. Not "You should be doing XYZ, that makes you a good parent" because then it's about HER and she won't listen. "John needs XYZ, and not getting that could be harmful to him" makes it about HIM and she'll pay more attention. She might be a little pissed at you, so be careful not to get too accusatory, but at least she'll be more likely to hear you.

Great advice!

AllySkoo- Thank you... I will

AllySkoo-

Thank you... I will incorporate some of this into whatever i end up doing.

this is nothing short of

this is nothing short of sick. my ex was used by his mother as a surogate husband when the father divorced when he was a child. then a sibling died and the mother attached herself even closer. in the end you had an adult man still stick on his mother. this ended in a divorce happy to say.

Well you could start off with

Well you could start off with how inappropriate it is for a parent (bio or otherwise) to bathe with their child once that child has reached the age of noticing the differences in the male and female parts.

Which is about age 3 by the

Which is about age 3 by the way

Showers with him???!

Showers with him???! :jawdrop: :jawdrop: :jawdrop:

Nothing she is doing is

Nothing she is doing is "damaging" to him. NOW. In a few years, things should be different.
Co-sleeping does not create the kind of kid Drac0 is suggesting. While I wouldn't be showering with my 4 year old boy, I didn't start "covering up" until my son got uncomfortable with it (around 8 ).
And letting him decide if she cuts her hair or not... who cares? It's not like he's picking what state they move to.
As long as she lets him have "some" say in little things, that is completely appropriate and normal.

My exbf of two years had what I thought was a completely normal, happy, positive childhood. His parents were still married (since high school) when his dad passed away not long ago, and they were both really good people. But he somehow got emotionally enmeshed with his mom to the point that he can't have normal adult relationships. And he's doing the same to his son. So it doesn't take ignorant single parents to raise kids with issues!

My daughter slept with me for a year (age 5-6) when my kids and I shared a bedroom. She also ended up in my bed often when I was married. She shared our bed often, especially for the first 6 months or so, but can't remember to what extent. She is 12 now and every once and a while wants to be treated to sleeping in my bed. She is a perfectly normal, happy, outgoing girl with no dependence on me for anything (well, except driving her places...)

Granted, this mom might have a problem if she ever remarries, but really, I would be more adamant about warning her of that pitfall than how she parents. I think it might be worse to behave as if you are keeping a spot open in your life for someone who might never appear. Who wants to live like that?

I think it's great to give

I think it's great to give kids some decision making.

But let's face it- something like hey, do you want pizza or chicken? Not "should Mommy cut her hair and get a new style?"

I respect your opinion, so thank you, but I cannot wrap my head around co-sleeping.

I suppose it also riled me that they have a 'date night' once a month. She even let him present the waiter with the credit card... as if he was 'paying for the date'. :jawdrop:

If she has a 4yo then

If she has a 4yo then obviously she has not been alone for 5 years. Okay, well maybe with the pregnancy it is close to five years.

One thing is for sure. It will be another two or more decades of being alone for her if she insists on giving a 4yo decisioning authority in her home. 4yos don't even get an opinion much less decisioning authority and in homes with quality parents if they do not earn the right to an opinion or to make decisions no kid regardless of their age gets an opinion or decisioning authority.

"Mary", "John" and their children are going to be a tragic made for TV movie if Mary does not pull her head out of her own ass before too long.

:sick:

Mary needs nearly instant clarity that she is Johns parent not his friend. She is his example, mentor, confidante, advocate, and disciplinarian but not his buddy. This holds true even when John is middle aged. I am 51 and have an amazing relationship with my mom and dad who are 70 and 72 but they both have no problem letting the wind out of my sails or jerking a knot in my tail if I need it.

Mary needs a real man in her life to demonstrate how to raise a boy to a man and not into a snivleing mamma's boy man child who needs her to wipe his butt and stir his coffee when he is in his 20s and beyond.

She got pregnant with IVF.

She got pregnant with IVF. So yes, more than 5years.

Well the situation could

Well the situation could easily resolve itself when John goes to school and tells his classmates he sleeps & showers with mom. Teachers, being mandatory reporters will notify child protective services and if after an interview they feel John's relationship with mom is unhealthy they can choose to remove him.