Step-parenting child whose biological parent is dead
Hello, I'm brand new here, so thanks in advance for reading. I am engaged to a wonderful man who has a 4 year old son from his previous marriage. His first wife passed away unexpectedly when their son was about 6 months old. His father and I started dating when he (the boy) was about 2.5 years old. I am the first and only person he has dated since the death of his first wife, and it was almost 2 years after her death, so I really don't feel like he rushed into dating again or the timing was poor. We live together now, and since there is no living biological mom, we have his son full-time. All the time.
I feel like a terrible person, but I just don't feel anything for this child. People say things to me like "Oh you're lucky because there's no ex-wife in the picture" or "Oh you're lucky because he was so young when she died he won't even remember her" or "At least there's no baby mama drama!". I suppose all that is true. I also can't say I didn't know my fiance had a son whom he had sole custody of, he was very upfront about it from the first date. I just thought I'd feel differently than I do when it came to living together and actually "raising" him. My fiance works nights and I work days ( him going to days is not an option) so I am basically alone with his son 4-5 evenings and nights a week. It's kind of like being a single parent 4-5 days a week to child who is not yours. There is no other family around to help, his parents are 3 hours away, and the mother's parents are not involved in his life much by their own choice.
I'm trying so hard not to be a terrible stepmother. I am not mean to the child, I feed him, bathe him, all the things I'm supposed to. I just don't truly in my heart care about him. If he went away tomorrow forever, I wouldn't miss him. I have zero maternal instinct towards him whatsoever. He's not a terrible kid, a little too clingy and whiny and needy for my liking, but not poorly behaved. I just do not enjoy having him around all day every day and night. He wants constant attention and needs constant looking after. Every single thing we do has to be with him in mind. Can't go here or there, because he needs to have a nap during the day and if he doesn't get it he will be terrible. Can't do anything anymore that isn't child-friendly. He is with us ALL THE TIME. He goes to daycare while I'm at work, but it's still me taking him in the morning, picking him up in the evening, and taking care of him by myself.
My situation is ....different when the stepkid has no other biological parent living and therefore have nowhere to go every other weekend or in the summer, etc. Also, with his dad being on night shift (and unwilling and unable to change to days), I am basically alone with this child who isn't mine most nights.
If I complain or express my unhappiness it's the old "Well I told you about him when we first met and you knew the situation". Or the "he can't help it that his mom died".
I don't want to be a surrogate mother for this boy. I'm fine being a stepmother, but the "situation" kind of requires me to be more than that. I'm doing it, but it's not happily.
Anyone else in a similar boat? Tell me as he gets older and less dependent I'll feel differently about him, please!
Yeah, that's what is so hard.
Yeah, that's what is so hard. It IS the right relationship for me - minus the child. I've never wanted children of my own, but when I started dating again in my 30s (after my divorce, no children from that marriage) I had to realize that the likelihood of finding a childless partner at my age (mid-30s) was unlikely. I didn't expect to find and fall for someone who had full, sole custody though! I thought (and was generally ok with) I'd likely find someone who had a child or two from a previous relationship, but that the mother would have joint custody, the children wouldn't be so young and dependent and it wouldn't be an all day every day thing.
I know, I know. "You knew what you were getting into". But, as a person who never wanted children, never spent much time around them, I really was ignorant to how much attention they demand!!
I love my fiance and want to try to stick it out in hopes that as his son gets older, he will be less of a drain on me. You're absolutely right - I do not WANT to be this boy's mother. I do not want to adopt him. I do not want him to call me "mom" ( he doesn't). The most I want is to be a stepmother that has a friendly relationship with him - not a mom who devotes her life to caring for him, if that makes sense?
What would your SO do if you
What would your SO do if you weren't in the picture? What DID he do, in fact, before he had you as free child-care?
Look, "Well I told you about him when we first met and you knew the situation" and "he can't help it that his mom died" are both true as far as that goes, but they also completely miss the point. You're telling your partner that while you're willing to have a relationship with a man with a child, you are NOT willing to be the "substitute mom". And HE is telling you through his actions that that's exactly what he's looking for - "Mom Light". So you guys want different things here and you're not "hearing" each other. Time for a Come To Jesus meeting.
How you feel (maternal or otherwise) about the kid is irrelevant. Your SO's work schedule is irrelevant. What you knew and how soon you knew it is irrelevant. All these things are red herrings. Here's the basic conversation you need to have:
You: I do not want to be SS's mother. If you are not available to parent, you will need to make the proper arrangements.
Him: But I work at night!
You: What did you do before you got me to take over? Because if you are not available to parent, you will need to make the proper arrangements, so maybe you can do that again.
Him: You knew I had a child from the first date!
You: It was a date, not a nanny interview. If you are not available to parent, you will need to make the proper arrangements.
Him: He can't help it that his mom died!
You: That is not helpful, nor is it relevant. If you are not available to parent, you will need to make the proper arrangements.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
My fiance's deceased wife's
My fiance's deceased wife's mother used to live with him (for free) and take care of the boy at night. There was a major falling out between them and she is no longer welcome in (what is now) our home. That's the short version!
I've made it clear to him that I don't think he's going to find someone willing to just give up their own life and devote their life to care for a child that isn't theirs - there has to be a balance. It's like he understands it on a logical level but not on an emotional level, if that makes sense.
Why cant your partner take
Why cant your partner take HIS son to and from nursery day care?
If you left tomorrow he would have to find someone else to look after his son OR chamge to day shifts..
maybe its time to sit and discuss this with him ignoring his previous excuses. You are helping him enormously and he needs to recognise that and help you out.
I agree. I think that having
I agree. I think that having all these unwanted responsibilities foisted upon you will NOT help you have ANY warm feelings towards this child at all. You will just resent him more and more, probably. Especially if/when you want your OWN baby at some point.
I don't think you and your
I don't think you and your partner are right for each other at this time. The truth is, he has a very young child for which he is (rightly) 100% responsible. This will be the situation for the next 12-14 years at least, if not more.
There is no shame in admitting that you are not cut out to be a mother and have no wish to be one: it is better to be honest. But in this situation, for me the child should absolutely come first. At such a young age he does need a mother, and if you can't be one to him (and you have every right not to be) then I think you should gracefully bow out of the situation and allow your partner to find someone who is willing and/or able to asume that role. Otherwise you are going to end up angry and resentful and sooner or later you WILL (because it is human nature to pick on the weak) take it out on the child. And none of this is his fault.
I don't think there are rights or wrongs in this situation, and nobody is to blame: it simply is what it is. But I do think that boh the adults in this child's life (and that currently incldes you whether you like it or not) are failing this child and short-changing him. You have every right to a relationship that makes you happy. Your partner has every right to a relationship that makes him happy. That child has every right to have parents (and I include you partner and whoever is with him in a relationship) in his life who love and want him. The rights of all these people perhaps cannot co-exist in the current dinamic. It is sad, but sometimes life is. The child isonly 4 and does not have choices. You and your partner are adults and you can choose. Please do the right thing for him.
I agree with others - it may
I agree with others - it may be time to walk away. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
You will find a guy without live-in kids, and your guy will find a maternal
woman who will enjoy being mom to his kid. Kids are a lot of work, they can be
overwhelming, and boring and clingy... Why subject yourself to this
for many years to come? No judgement- I was not a kid person until i had my sons
and won't be again after they are grown. But -
As a parent it would be a deal breaker for me if my partner
could not stand my kids. He does not have to love them but
i could not be with a guy who was not interested in being a
supportive presence in their lives. My dh is a fantastic stepdad and my boys
are lucky to have him around. They have a father also.
Find yourself a better situation. Don't make everyone miserable.
The interests of you tbree are on a collision course.
This is a tough and sad one.
This is a tough and sad one. For all involved.
I have no direct personal experience but my bride does at least from the orphaned kid perspective. Her biodad/my MIL's first husband was killed in a car accident before my MIL knew she was pregnant. My FIL was there when my wife was born and he and my MIL married when my bride was 2mos old.
As far as my wife is concerned her dad is her dad. He did not adopt her when she was young due to the VA benefits that she received for her deceased father's military service, he died on active duty. But ... her adult adoption was finalized just a few months ago. It took about a year to get it done. She is 39 and FIL is 61.
All things considered it sounds as if things are going pretty well in your situation. However, you don't get the man without the kid so you have a decision to make. Get the man and be a mom or do this kid a favor, in fact do all three of you a favor, and have the character to move on so this man and his son can find someone who will love and commit to them both.
No Sparent is required to love their skids but this is not the "usual" situation if there is such a thing in Sparenting. So, make the choice to love the kid as your own, or leave. Give yourself the opportunity to find a man without baggage and give this man and his son the chance to find a woman who will commit to both of them for life. To the dad as a wife and to the kid as a mom.
IMHO of course.