Complicated Situation--new step mom, boyfriend is an old love
I have a somewhat complicated history. I used to date a guy throughout high school, and we eventually broke up before graduation. During our time apart I regretted it and wanted him back, but he had moved on with another girl and I dated other guys throughout college. They were together off and on for about 5 years before splitting, and now they have a son that is 2. We are now 25 years old and found our way back to each other and we admitted we always loved each other, but because of the circumstances and timing never reached out. Fast forward to present time, I am graduating from college in May, and we have been together for about 4 months now. I have met his son and we get along great (I have a lot of experience with children and love them, just none of my own yet). Once I graduate I will move in with him back home, and eventually engagement and marriage will follow. I always loved my current boyfriend, so once we reunited we didn't really take things slow. I think because I love my current boyfriend so much I have automatically "fell in love" with my stepson (future one 
). I am curious if anyone else has dealt with a similar situation, because I think its a little unique. No I don't have children of my own, but I have nieces and nephews and I know what that love feels like. But with my SS it was like love at first site, and it feels more like a maternal love. I get mushy and happy over him learning and identifying new letters, counting higher than before, etc. Not sure if I'm crazy, or if this should be an expected thing so quickly. Any advice would be great!
Thanks for the advice! They
Thanks for the advice! They actually weren't married, and had been split up a bit before we got back together. I wanted to make sure he had time to sort out their issues and get adjusted before we started our relationship back up.
My situation is a bit like
My situation is a bit like yours. Dated DH in highschool. Remained friends after break up. Each of us married other people. He had SD, I didn't have any bios. Both divorced. Lost touch when he moved out west. Reunited when he moved back. So basically we took a 25 year break..lol.
We too slipped into the 'this is so comfortable' phase immediately. It was almost 5 months before I met (or re-met since I knew her as a baby) SD who was 12 at the time. I desparetly wanted to make us a family. I saw warning signs in his lazy parenting (no chores, no enforcing homework during visitation, no healthy food EVER) but there were no behaviour problems. When she turned 13, her dad moved in with me and it went to hell really quick. Disrespect, entitlement, lying, whoring around.
So tread softly...really take an honest look at his parenting (and BM's). I know he's young, but how he's parented now will affect what he's like as he grows. Don't try to be his mom. If it's meant to be, you and your BF will make it. No need to rush to make the big happy family. It's easy to love them at 2...wait till they hit puberty.
Exactly what iPeed said. You
Exactly what iPeed said. You may have 'fallen in love' with his son which is really nice but you need to let his father parent him. You are a supportive role for your one day husband. Does the mother know about you?
The mother knows about me and
The mother knows about me and that I spend time with them together. I realize that I am not his mother and I am not trying to be. I have not even spent the night with my boyfriend while his son his there, as to not confuse him. We do not show affection around the son. So we are moving slower in that regard, but not as slow in our romantic relationship when we are together alone. I let his father do the disciplining and everything that his parent should. But when I am there I do things to bond with him. I'll help my boyfriend feed him, change diapers, etc. Nothing that a friend/babysitter/aunt/etc wouldn't also do.
I have a similar situation:
I have a similar situation: dated in high school went separate ways for 20 years now together 3.5 years. We only dated 3 months before moving in together and 6 mknths before we got married. So my BD and I had adjustments to make moving DH and two SD in.needless to say it went down hill from there. I kept quiet about things SD were doing because they asked me to and i wanted to be someone they could tLk to HUGE mistake. They were 9&10 at that time. Always keep your loyalties to your DH. I learned quickly just to tell my DH everything from them bickering, not bathing or brushing teeth, to tearing up our house. The oldest SD came around after i kicked them all out for 2 months the youngest still causes issues to the point i have asked him to leave every other weekend when youngest SD is at our house. Youngest SD is disrespectful, lies, and manipulates. I dont want my 2yo BD with DH to learn that behavior. I dont know if age of skid has any bearing on amount of respect you will receive as he ages. It will be largely affected by BM actions at least it is in our house. Before you get married set the ground rules for skid care and discipline then stick to it. I thinks its great you loved him from the start i wanted a healthy relationship with skids i got 1 out of 2. If BM were more supportive intead of blaming all bad behavior of youngest SD on DH the kid would prob be better well rounded.
GOOD LUCK!
@ipeedinyourcornflakes is
@ipeedinyourcornflakes is right on! Dont forget kid has a mother just strive for a healthy respectful loving relationship not to be the kids mom. Oh and beware when they become teenagers!
The mother knows about me and
The mother knows about me and that I spend time with them together. I realize that I am not his mother and I am not trying to be. I have not even spent the night with my boyfriend while his son his there, as to not confuse him. We do not show affection around the son. So we are moving slower in that regard, but not as slow in our romantic relationship when we are together alone. I let his father do the disciplining and everything that his parent should. But when I am there I do things to bond with him. We play together..I'll help my boyfriend feed him, change diapers, etc. Nothing that a friend/babysitter/aunt/etc wouldn't also do.
Thanks so much for sharing,
Thanks so much for sharing, its a bit refreshing. What I seem to be hearing is to just take things really really slow so that we dont get into more than what we are prepared for.
The legal custody agreement
The legal custody agreement right now is that they basically have equal time...he was the one that drew up papers because she left the home, cheated, etc. She's young, and hasn't realized the implications of her actions yet. She often doesn't want to keep her son because she wants to be with the man she cheated with, who by the way is over twice her age. The custody papers right now say that no person of the opposite sex can stay over night when the son is there (Except family)..so she often leaves the son with my BF so her new BF can stay over. Needless to say my first impression of her hasn't been great, and I'm trying to be on my best behavior to not speak badly of her even though everyone in my BFs family despises her. My boyfriend works 24 hour shifts and then is off for 48 hours. If it is his day to keep his son and he is working he stays with his grandma (boyfriends mama who I adore and she loves me as well). On the days that I am back home (usually the weekends and some days once during the week) SS Is often there. To answer your question, yes I think I could do it 24/7 because I already have a good idea of what it will mean.
I don't have a very good
I don't have a very good feeling about this. Sorry.
What you are feeling is lust. It is like a drug, which explains why you have such positive feelings toward his son. You are on a high, and need to wait until you aren't before making any rational decisions.
He does not seem to make great choices. He procreated with a girlfriend whom you acknowledge has issues. He seems to "move around" a lot. Why did you two break up before anyway?
He actually does not "move
He actually does not "move around" a lot...he's only ever been with 3 people (me and her are 2 of them). I'll agree that the newness of it plays into it....but I have a few months before I even need to decide about moving in, or waiting a little bit longer, so it won't be an irrational decision. Like I said, I've known this guy for about 12 years and he is a stand up guy that tries to do the right thing, which is why he tried to keep his family together for so long. We broke up the first time when we were in high school because we were so young and wanted different things in life (but now that has changed)...we never argued or had any issues that are going to make it blow up. We never ended on bad terms either. And he dated the girl for 5 years...she really didnt start having issues until recently (cheating/lying. I don't see how that is a reflection on him. He found out she what she was doing, she left, and he went and had papers drawn up to protect the son.
My bride I did not know each
My bride I did not know each other in high school but my step dad story is much like your story with your FSS.
I met my bride my last semester of an 11yr undergrad career. Yes, I was in class every semester for 11 years. Long story there but ... She was in her first semester of college after finishing HS.
My Skid was on our first date and we pretty much were the 3 musketeers from that first date on. I did have some adjustment to the presence of the spawn of some other man in my life, relationship, and home (when they visited my place) but basically I fell in love with the kid pretty much at the time I fell in love with his mom.
I get it. I do.
Graduation, moving, cohabitating, taking care of a cute kid, etc... Any one of those things is intense and exciting but all together that is a lot to deal with and it could get to be overwhelming.
Just be careful and remember to take care of yourself through all of this heady stuff.