Is something off, or am I paranoid?
My youngest SD is 17, and lives with us. She has a boyfriend who is 21. (Don't even get me started on that. Not my monkey, not much I can do about it.) She's been dating him for maybe 6-8 months or so. Her father and I have met this guy once, for about 5 minutes. (Her mom has met him once as well.)
There are several things that are sort of pinging my "something's not right here" radar. (Yep, his age is one. But that's almost a different "not right".)
1. Although we'd met several boyfriends before this (even ones she only "dated" for a few weeks) and she had brought the bfs over to the house for dinner or something, she (or he?) is EXTREMELY reluctant to come to the house. We've asked if he'd like to come to dinner several times, each time there's some reason he "can't". And yet she's gone to his grandparent's house (where he lives) many many times, and met all of his extended family.
2. He stands her up. Like, A LOT. She'll tell us they're going to dinner, or to meet his mom, or something. She'll get ready and be waiting. And waiting. And he never shows. Sometimes he "fell asleep", sometimes "something came up", but it happens every couple weeks.
3. When she does go out with him, she often comes home very grumpy. Not always, but maybe 30% of the time. She never says they're fighting, and won't even admit she IS grumpy! She's always "fine".
I can't remember having a relationship that looked like this, and I can't quite figure out what's going on here or put my finger on why this is making me so twitchy. Anyone have any ideas? Am I just being paranoid? (DH is getting upset about this too. He's *almost* to the point of saying that the BF can come over, but she's not going out.) Help?
Yeah, that's part of my
Yeah, that's part of my concern I think - that she hasn't gotten sick of it and dumped him yet. She's a good kid, some normal teenage crap but nothing outrageous. (At least not that we know of.) She's also pretty sure of herself for the most part, doesn't let anyone (including her mom!) get away with treating her unfairly. So WHY is she still with this guy??? I don't get it, its not like her....
Trust your intuition. If
Trust your intuition. If something doesn't feel right, there is probably a reason.
Since he has a history of
Since he has a history of standing her up, she probably doesnt want to invite him over to dinner and then he stands her up and she has to explain that to you and her dad. I would be really embarrassed.
He sounds like a crappy BF.
That's a good point. Plus, a
That's a good point. Plus, a 17 and 21 year old dating... the age difference isn't THAT extreme, but the fact is, he can do things that she can't. I wonder how much of him "standing her up" is just him doing normal 21 year old stuff that she can't do.
Yep! I started dating a guy
Yep! I started dating a guy who was 19 when I was 15. (we ended up together for 5 1/2 years) and once he turned 21 all of the sudden he didnt want to hang out as much. LOL
Is he a bit of a "bad boy"?
Is he a bit of a "bad boy"? ...and why is he living with his grandparents at 21?
If he is a bad boy, he's playing her. "I fell asleep" and "something came up" are words that players use. And us women usually fall for these guys for a long time because they "make us feeeeeeel" - not necessarily good - but those emotions of anxiety, insecurity, disappointment then making up, all contribute to a feeling-based unhealthy relationship. Sadly, she'll have to figure it out on her own. Just like all of us had to. She probably knows subconsciously that it won't work out, which may be a reason for her to decline your dinner invitations.
The 10 million dollar question is: Are they having sex?
If so, I fear that it's probably good sex...which makes a girl stay around longer.
If not, then maybe he's not making her his "main girl" since she's not giving it up.
The 10 million dollar
The 10 million dollar question is: Are they having sex?
My gut feeling is yes. In fact, it has occurred to me that part of the reason he won't come to our house is because they wouldn't be able to have sex here. I'm pretty sure he's got a lot of free reign at his grandparents' house, I'm sure they can get "alone time" there and they would NOT be left alone at our house.
I don't know him well enough to know if he's a "bad boy", although he doesn't *look* it at least. (He sort of looks like an x-box geek, if you know what I mean. Pasty white, pudgy, a bit of a mess but in a way that some girls find adorable.) Oh, and I think he's living with his grandparents to save on rent. He just started a new job according to SD, so we'll see if he continues to live with them or gets his own place.
Yup. This.
Yup. This.
She damn well better not get
She damn well better not get pregnant! Fortunately she IS a good kid, and she's got a good head on her shoulders for a teenager. I know she's on the pill, and I know she's serious about going to college (which would be problematic with an infant). My bigger concern is disease, since because she's on the pill they probably aren't using anything else.
I think you guys are right, he's using her and he's not nearly as into her as she is into him. Hopefully she wakes up to that soon, but in the meantime I suppose she has to make her own mistakes. I think I'll support DH in telling her the bf has to come over and spend some time at our house before they go out again, but other than that I'm going to let it go. *sigh* It sucks that you have to let them get hurt in order to learn from their mistakes - I just want to be sure that its a temporary hurt, and not something that affects her life!
I had a BF like that too. He
I had a BF like that too. He was an alcoholic!
she needs to kick this loser to the curb!
MY SD22 had a BF like that.
MY SD22 had a BF like that. He was cheating on her and abusive. Of course, he did come to our house, a lot, even went on vacation with us. When he was at our house they tended to stay in her room for the most part, not a great deal of interaction with DH and myself. During the vacation we got to see some disturbing sides of him, he was also emotionally abusive to her. Needless to say, wasn't another couple weeks and he was out of her life. Your SD needs to get rid of him and just be single!