I need some help. I'm completely Lost!
Hi Guys! I'm completely new to this so please bare with me!
I have 4 Step children! 2 boys aged 5 + 8 and 2 girls aged 11 + 16. The younger 3 have a different mom then the oldest.
I met my now "Fiance" in January of 2011. Not A big deal. He was 33 at the time. I was only 18. (Big age difference I know!) We talked for a while and he eventually told me about 2 months later he had 3 kids. Not a big deal in my eyes, I love kids! It finally came out 3 months after that, that he actually had 4. A 12 year old (at the time) living with his parents! I knew right then and there, something was up. Well in August of 2011 I finally got to meet his kids! I met the younger 3 first and they were a delight! Lovely happy interesting beautiful well mannered children. I loved them instantly! We made the treck out to his parents place, and I met the rudest ignorant smart mouthed 12 year old I have ever me! She was mouthy and swearing at her grandparents and her dad, pushing my youngest step son who had just turned 2. Just downright ignorant. Well, my "boyfriend" at the time had made it very clear this is why he hadn't told me about her until later on. Turns out as I was told after our visit she had been sexually abbused by her moms boyfriend when
she was 9 or so. (Would of been nice to know before hand!) But her
Guardians also known as her Grandparents use this incident as an excuse for her behaviour! And have for the past 4 years!
She is now 16 and I honestly don't know how much more I can handle! They still use the incident from 7 years ago as an excuse for her attitude and behaviour! She was caught posessing, producing and distributing child porn this past summer. And they blew it off as no big deal. He Windows phone, Ipad and ipod were confinscated. But they (grandparents) felt bad for her so they went and bought her a new iphone less then 30 days later. No remorse no punishment not even a lousy i'm sorry to anyone for anything she had done! And just not a big deal in their eyes! She will push her grandmother And throw things at her and call her down and yell and swear at her until she cries and then they tell her its okay she has had a hard life and then bend over and give her whatever she wants because they are afraid she will run away. They lock up the vehicle keys at night so she won't take off to go and meet up with boys. Its that bad
She refuses to stay with us, which we don't push. She knocks her other siblings down and upsets them terribly. They are healthy happt kids, but finds it necessary to call them all Ugly and fat and anything she can come up with to hurt their feelings! They prefer not to have her there as she upsets them. They don't even want to go and see their grandparents anymore because she is there. That is how bad it has gotten.
What she has done and continues to do has caused such a strain on my fiance's and I's relationship I don't know what to do. He has developed a temper, not a physical one as he has NEVER layed a hand on me, but he has a very verbal temper. All he does is yell at me over things now so I can't really talk to him about anything. Her, his other kids, nothing. I need someone to talk to or vent to about these things but I'm not allowed to talk with ANYONE about it. Hense why I am turning to this group. I know I am slowly slipping into depression, i know it, I can feel it, and I'm holding on as long as I can and being as strong as I can. But with everything that has gone on and continues to go on with a 16 year old step daughter who makes everything so difficult on everyone, as much as I do Love my Fiance I don' t know how much longer I can hang on!
I am really lost on what to do!
No offense but I'd leave. You
No offense but I'd leave. You are way too young for that much drama. Plus he lied to you on a BIG issue which is totally wrong on so many levels. On the 16 yo front if she's posessing child porn I would consider her a perp and not let her around the other kids. If dad doesn't see that boundry/safety issue then he's got real problems. Again, go live your life. Don't get weighed down with this drama. If I had it to do all over again I wouldn't have.
There is always more to the
There is always more to the story than is ever posted here. The situation as presented doesn't sound amazing, I will admit. But she has already received a host of replies telling her that the relationship sounds appalling to a bunch of strangers and that she should leave. If that is the advice that she wants to hear, that is the advice that she will follow. But it maybe that there are many positive points to her relationship that she didn't post here and that she feels at this time that she isn't ready to give up on her relationship and leave. In that case having some ideas of how to proceed within the relationship could be helpful insight for her. We are all here to give our own opinions on what we think will help the OP. Your advice is just as valid as the next persons and the variety in advice that people receive is what helps to make this a useful forum.
It is great that you found
It is great that you found this forum so that you can have a place to come and vent, ask questions and read about others in similar situations. It really has helped me a lot knowing that I can come here and see others who understand. Do remember though that you might not like everyone's opinion though it is usually worthwhile reading and considering them even if it is just to see how your situation could seem on the surface to an outsider and often when you come back to it I find there are always useful things to consider.
If I were you I would be looking to disengage from the 16 year old. Unless some drastic changes happen in her life, she is unlikely to change her attitudes and behaviors at least in the next 10 years or so. So save yourself the worry and hassle and disengage from her completely. Don't go and visit, don't ask your fiance about her, if you do have to be in the same place, be polite but don't engage her in conversation or run around trying to help her. Let your fiance know that that is what you are doing and that you are doing it to save your own sanity and help your relationship with him.
Then I would start to focus on the youngsters. If they won't go to the grandparents house, then invite grandparents out to meet you (without the 16yo) somewhere with the kids.
Finally but most importantly try to find some new things to focus on in your life. Find something that is just for you. A new book to read, take up art, or meeting up with an old friend once a week or a sport or a hobby that you have always wanted to try. Then find something new to do with your fiance so that you two can start to find a positive focus for your relationship that does not involve any of the children. Perhaps you can watch a new tv series together or create art together or play video or board games. Then finally find a new activity to do as a family with your husband and the younger kids. Start making up stories with each other at the dinner table, or going for walks or plant a some seeds and look after them.
Giving yourself some positive new things to focus on as well as removing your focus from the 16 yo will help you and your fiance to refocus on the parts of your relationship and family that are working. You cannot save the 16 yo, even her father and grandparents seem to have given up on her and let her take the easy path. It isn't up to you to make everything right, it is time to focus on the positive things in your life and forget about the things you can't change. Looking after your own mental health will mean that you will better be able to help those around you.
I have to say that a 33yo man
I have to say that a 33yo man with 4 kids by two different baby mamas is not who I would select for an 18yo young woman with her life ahead of her.
This is probably shocking to long time STalkers since I was a 30yo who married an 18yo. The difference is that my 18yo bride was a single teen mom full time college honors student with a 15mo toddler, working 2 jobs, and I have no bio-spawn.
I hope you see that this entire situation is a testament to the abject failure your "fiance" is as a parent and frankly as a man.
Move on young lady. Find someone worthy of you who demonstrates clearly their character and life choices are beyone reproach. This 12yo toxic nighmare is the product of choices your "fiance" makes on a nearly continuous basis.
If you decide to stay, set your self worth and demand that your SO life up to your expectations. Love is not a feeling it is action and this guy has failed to act accordingly.
You know it, he knows it, we all know it.
And ... welcome. I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and get some support and ideas from others who are living the blended family adventure.
Take care of yourself.
"If you decide to stay, set
"If you decide to stay, set your self worth and demand that your SO life up to your expectations..." -- Rags
Just deserved a repeat.
The girl is so so disturbed
The girl is so so disturbed and is hurting so bad. I know...I was abused when I was very young. However...my parents or any adult in my life never let my behaviour be any different to any other non abused child. And why should it? I am extremely stable mentally and emotionally. She needs help. NOW. She is still a child and if her behaviour isn't stopped it will escalate...I am concerned she has produced child porn herself. What happens if you stay with your partner...you have kids and she is around them? I wouldn't trust her at all, let alone with my skids.
I won't say leave, that is down to you. However I'd run for hills you are young you can start afresh.
She needs help that is the base of this. You partner sounds like he needs help to get over what happened to.
Do you hope to one day have
Do you hope to one day have children of your own? If so, are you comfortable having SD16 around, knowing her child porn distribution background?You do realise that she will be your child's half sibling and any concerns you may have about her being around your LO will be swept under the carpet and not up for discussion by your SO?!
You have your whole life ahead of you, don't ruin it by getting tied to someone who can't parent or control his own children so tries to parent and control you instead.Cut your losses and run for the hills, find a guy with no kids who will put you first and treat you like an equal partner in your relationship, you deserve it.
My own issues? I know I have
My own issues? I know I have a few but what might you think they are? Never mind....... You were not talking about my issues were you? I was about to get all defensive and then I re-read your comment. Ooops. Maby be I do have some issues? :?
No offense taken.
I agree with you tog. A 33yo with spawn by two different women ropping in an 18yo (though a perfectly legal adult according to the age of consent laws) is not anyone I would want any 18yo to enter a relationship with.
Amazing insight into the
Amazing insight into the situation. Thanks for sharing your personal experiences.
My bride and I have a similar age gap (18 & 30 when we married). The difference is that I had no kids. She brought the step-spawn. Just one though.
I think you very accurately identified the challenges of a marriage with notable age gaps and Skids in the picture. For us it was a different story since my view of the situation is from somewhat the opposite side. I had been married, traveled the world, created a successful company,etc... She was just getting started. She had to grow up instantly when she became a 16 & pregnant/teen mom. By all accounts of her then boss, family, and friends she truly grew up instantly when the pregnancy test came back positive. She went from a flighty teen ditz to her bosses most reliable and trusted employee, she went from A-B student to straight A honors student. We met the last semester of my engineering program and the first semester of her accounting degree out of highschool. I used the proceeds of the sale of my company to step up to full time college student and change majors to engineering. We met during that effort 39mos after my divorce was final and when SS-22 was 15mos old.
Since I had pretty much done and seen it all it did take some adjustment for me to support her having her own experiences as a teen and 20's young woman within the context of a marriage to an older man and having a young kid. My position then and even now that we are 39 and 51 respectively is that it is truly an amazing thing for me to experience life with her and to see many things that I may have experienced before through her perspective.
We raised a young man of character together, pursued out educations together, advanced our careers together, and now we are living an international adventure together as I/We are in the last 10-15 years before retirement. Hopefully sooner rather than later.
Take care of yourself. No one should have to lose themselves in a marriage. Marriage should add to life not take away from it.
Thanks again for sharing.
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
I think the sexual abuse
I think the sexual abuse could be the cause of alot of her problems. Always using it to excuse everything is now a bigger problem. I would suggest getting her some therapy for it.
" All he does is yell at me
" All he does is yell at me over things now so I can't really talk to him about anything. Her, his other kids, nothing. "
I'm genuinely curious - why are you staying with him? I mean, what kind of relationship do you have when you can't talk? Is it memories? Great sex? What on earth makes this a "relationship" AT ALL (let alone a good one) if you don't talk to each other? :?
Yep,
Yep,
As so many others have
As so many others have said...get of of this relationship! You are too young to have to put up with this man and his ungrateful spawn, granted, the other 3 skids sound as if they may not be half bad. Even still, in a time when you are supposed to be discovering yourself as a person and figuring out your life, you shouldn't be tied down being mom to kids who are not even yours! Go to school...build a career...become you. Like I always told my daughter, you gotta take care of you FIRST, because there is not guarantee any man will stick around these days. You don't want to be 30 years old and be ex number 3...while you struggle to support yourself because you've never built anything for yourself. The relationship started out with lies...and I'm sure there have been others along the way. He yells at you for no reason other than he is frustrated over the situation with his kid and his parents, but you are not allowed to talk with anyone about it? Honey, that is called verbal and emotional abuse! He doesn't have to lay a finger on you to abuse you!
GET OUT NOW!
Submitted by TLynn on Wed,
Submitted by TLynn on Wed, 02/11/2015 - 10:45am.
My mom is always sick with worry. But she is 2 provinces away. I have only spent 27 hrs with my family since june. Didn't even get to see them over the holidays! I try and tell her what I can when he is not around but she won't ask anything that will set him off. I will message her over text or FB but have to delete it right away after incase he see's. Its stupid I know. I have low self esteem and have since high school and I know that is a big part of why I stay. He has told me when he thought I was going to leave before that "you'll never find anyone, you will end up alone" and as stupid as it is that thought sticks with me. But he verbally knocks me down so I feel like shit. You get called a bitch and useless and you name it so many times and it gets to you. I am basically a maid and a babysitter when his kids are out. I do all the cooking, all the laundry,, all the dishes by hand (no dish washer!) Bathe his kids, make sure they are packed to go home, and much more. Don't get me wrong I dont mind doing these things but some help from him would be nice as they are his kids! The kids help when asked so that makes it a little easier. But the kids and I will go and make a nice full dinner for, the 5 of us, set it up in the dining room at the table, we will all sit down to eat, and he will come in and grab his plate and go sit infront of the TV, and then the kids will be strong not to show any hurt, but they are and he doesnt seem to see it. He yells at them like he does me and that bothers them.
Maybe its not his 16 year old's fault, but he tries to do things with her and get her to help out but shs resists and yells and screams and hits people and throws things and it puts him in a very bad mood and that's when it gets worse between us, he takes out his frusturation by yelling at me because he gets in shit from his parents when trying to disiplin her because he "has no right" to ground her or take her cell phone away. When she calls grandma (his mom) a bitch or throws something at her, or pushes her, he is supposed to stay quiet and not say anything about it. So he yells at me instead over anything to take out his anger. He has been in anger managment before.
T
I had a realization last night after I logged off last night. He called to, talk to his mom and his daughter answered, right away they start arguing over those "Fifty Shades of Grey" books because she has been reading them online on her phone against grandma and grandpas wishes. He her comment to her dad was "well, you let TLynn read them!" And his answer was "there's a difference between what my daughter does and what I LET my wife do" I thought, you the hell do you mean you "LET" me?
I have my suspisions and a fair amount of evidence that he has been doing things he shouldnt be. Between the second email address on his phone with naked pictures of women, then claimed it wasnt his, that someone must have hacked his phone, and the prepaid Visas with calls to sex lines, the 516 text messages and 32 picture messages we were billed for for texting numbers in the US and the list goes on and on and on. Ive only just found all this in the past week or so!
I mean I'm no Angel, I've made some horrible mistakes but I've put my all into this relationship and given it 4 years and its only going downhill. Ive been %100 faithfull to him, I moved for him, supported his goals, accepted his kids as my own, well, 3 of them anyways. I don't know what else I can do. This started out as a problem with his daughter, and as much of a pain in the ass she is, he is the bigger problem!
TLynn, No one is perfect.
TLynn,
No one is perfect. Life is not defined by our mistakes. Life is defined about how we address them, learn, and move on.
Call your parents; get a plane ticket, pack a carry-on, and go. Now. Leave the kids, the house, etc... and go. Trust me. You are a 24yo young woman with a life ahead of you. You will not be alone. You do not invest good money after bad and you should not invest the good years of your life the same way you have the last 4 years. Years you have already spent do not necessitate that you spend more the same way.