27 year old inconsiderate step son
My husband and I have been together for just over 5 years and married for 4. We are very well suited and happy together.
My husband has three sons aged 22, 26 and 28 and a 21 year old daughter. Since we have been together we have always had one, two and sometimes three of his sons living with us.
For the first four years his yongest son was a permanent fixture and although we have had our ups and downs I do love him. For the last year he has been living with his girlfriend and baby and we are happy to see him settled.
The oldest son will be 28 next week and in the main part we get on. He has lived with us off and on due to the totally unacceptable behaviour of his former partner. He has two sons aged 7 and 4. He has been living with us for over 18 months and we provide him with a double bedroom, his own bathroom, a bedroom decorated especially for his sons who come every other weekend. We charge him £120 a month for everything.
Whilst we feel a great deal of sympathy for his situation, he is inconsiderate. He is desperately untidy and a complete slob. God knows how we don't have rats as he leaves half eaten food in his room for days and weeks. We all work full-time, but he seems to be of the opinion I should clean up after him. He has improved slightly due to sustained nagging, but I am fed up. I no longer do his washing and his room smells due to all the dirty clothes towels and bedding. We gave him his own set of towels, but because he is too lazy to doing his washing he uses his then helps himself to ours. He helps himself to anything in the house, batteries, earphones, phone chargers, we are forever asking him, "have you got...?"
He also lies, we have an en suite shower and although he has his own bathroom with bath and separate shower cubicle he started using our shower. We explained that this was our own personal space and asked him not to use it and he denied it. This is a pattern, he lies even when it is apparent he is doing so. I realise this seems petty, but every day we are having to ask him to do his washing up as we have run out of plates, crockery etc, not to leave stuff everywhere, not to leave cigarette butts outside all over the drive, etc.
The only thing we ask of him is not to leave food, rubbish and crockery in his room, to keep his bathroom clean, not to leave a mess in communal areas, but we are banging our heads against a brick wall. I don't think it is unreasonable, but the situation is putting an immense strain on our relationship.
What do we do?
Would your dh support asking
Would your dh support asking ss to leave? ss is a big boy. He can be a slob on his own dime.
What do you do? That is
What do you do? That is simple.
Call a locksmith and change the locks then hand him a letter from your solicitor informing him he is out immediately due to his nasty hygiene and housekeeping habits. He has no lease and no right to live in your home so make it so it is no longer his home. He is an adult and not your problem. He is ostensibly a grown man with children of his own and needs to man up and support himself and his spawn in his own home that HE provides.
End of problem.
The difficulty is that he is
The difficulty is that he is not very well paid. He works hard but doesn't really earn enough for a place big enough for himself and the boys. He is a good father and we have to take the boys into consideration, they need the stability he (and we) provide.
Words from a seasoned parent,
Words from a seasoned parent, if I might suggest, make a written agreement/plan with him followed by what the consequences would be such as moving out. If you don't do something now, you are only hurting yourself. It may be uncomfortable at first but you would only be doing he and yourselves a favor. It appears you are feeling sorry for him and the family a bit (which never seems to be a good foundation to work from). Where do you stand in all of this? Your feelings and life style matters. What is your purpose for yourself and your marriage? Is it to take care of kids and grandkids the rest of your life? If so, make a plan of what that might look like with your husband so you have more control.......
You are right. That is a
You are right. That is a difficulty. However, it is not YOUR difficulty. He should have kept his Johnson in his drawers if he could not afford to support his family.
I do understand your dilema. You are a grandparent with an austensibly adult child who can't support your grandchildren on his own. What these young boys need is a father who will set the example of how to step up and be responsible for his children. Unfortunately rather than helping you (you being the you and DH collective) are enabling and perpetuating the problem and significantly increasing the liklihood that these three young boys will sadly turn out just like their father and expect someone else to provide for them rather than setting the expectation that they will provide for themselves. He and the boys need only basic housing with a place to cook, eat, and sleep which he very likely can provide for himself. If he wants the house and the nice life then he has to demonstrate to his boys what it takes to earn those things. That is a far better lesson to his sons than shacking up at grandpa and grandma's place.
My parents had me when they were in their late teens (Mom-19) and early 20s (Dad-21) They had been married nearly 2 years and were living in a small travel trailer in a trailer park outside of the USMC base were my dad worked. When dad completed his commitment they moved the travel trailer and the three of us nearly 1000 miles to a university where they completed their degrees while raising me. They sold the travel trailer and bought a larger mobile home while in school. Over the next nearly 50 years they worked, had two more kids, bought increasingly nicer homes, etc.... They struggled, they scrimped, they saved, they improved their educations and skills in order to be able to provide better circumstances in which to raise me and my younger brothers. Your SS can make due with a travel trailer for he and his boys too until he steps up and provides something better.
Take care of yourself and let your SS take care of his own family.
IMHO of course.
How long will he be this way?
How long will he be this way? As long as you tolerate it.
He is 28 with 2 kids and living with his DADDDDDDDDDYYYYYYYY. Come on. Time to grow up and be a man. If he is under paid then he needs to find a better job, go back to school, learn a new trade, or work two jobs.
Choosing to live with DADDDDDDDDYYYYYY and let him carry you should not even be on the menu.
You and DH need to sit him and ORDER him to come up with his launch plan. He can stay if he enrolls in school/trade training and works full time to get a better job. Or, he can stay while he works two jobs to save up money. While staying, he will adhere to your house rules. He is to understand he is a guest, not a resident. This is NOT his home and he may not treat it as such. If he does not like that, he can move out.
Why is your DH enabling this grown ass man to stay at home and live like a teenager?
Absolutely ^^^^^^
Absolutely ^^^^^^
You and DH are really doing
You and DH are really doing this man/child a disservice by allowing him to live like this. At 28 this man should be living on his own and taking care of his family. He will never be self sufficient if you keep enabling him.
I realize that you are worried about him and his kids. (not sure why since he disrespects you and your home).
Now this is not how "I" would handle this but since you want to keep peace, I would sit him down and tell him that you are going to downsize your home. You will be selling it in 6-12 months, to buy a one bedroom home for you and DH. Then help the baby to make a plan to live like an adult and not a child still on daddys boob.
Once he moves out, tell him that you changed your mind on selling your home, but he can NOT come back to live with you.
I understand the economy of
I understand the economy of having him stay in your house, and that really isn't the issue. Families used to stay together much more often and something happened along the way where big empty houses became more important than our own family's needs. So here's what I would do. Even though he's likely broke, he can probably afford to pay you a bit more than he is. Figure out how much it would cost to have someone come clean his areas once a week. And then increase his rent by that much. Put locks on your doors as necessary. No more nagging for you, and your house will be clean. Also, his kids won't have to deal with his disgusting mess and learn this negative behavior. Omg I can only imagine. When my ex left the house he lost to the bank (the beautiful house we lived in together) you could tell where the bed was in the bedroom because there was a rectangle of trash all around where the bed was. Dresser, full of trash. Every room was trashed and there were TONS of full trash bags in the backyard because he didn't pay for trash service. And he was over 40...
So instead of making the 28
So instead of making the 28 year old son work it out with his partner and act more acceptable, he has been rescued by daddy and able to act like a child again. You say you have to take the 7 and 4 year old into consideration, what you are teaching 28 yr old SS and his children is that there is a financial reward for irresponsible/destructive behavior.
I feel for you because my DH was the same way for almost a decade with now 30 yr old SS. At one point he even had ss30 and his gf living with him. He was supporting both of them. I have firmly put my foot down and not allowed ss30 to live with us so he went to live with an aunt who was has made him pay rent. ss30 now has a job, car and is paying his own bills. DH is proud and relieved. I pointed out to DH that he made this happen by giving ss30 "the punt" out of the house.
Just ask yourself, are you giving ss30 a hand out or a hand up? You are charging him a paltry amount for room and board. What would happen if you charged him a fair rent and made him act like a proper boarder? Would he still choose to live there? I personally don't think adult kids should freeload off their parents. I also don't think it's appropriate for parents to be imposing rules on their adult children. They need to lead their own lives and learn from the consequences of their decisions.
I agree with drawing up a
I agree with drawing up a rental agreement. He needs to be treated like a renter: Keeping his place clean enough not to attract rodents, using his own bathroom, doing his own wash. Also, he would not be allowed to invade your private space. Otherwise, evict him as you would a renter who was not respecting your property. If he doesn't like this, he has the option of renting a room from someone else.
Thank you all for your input,
Thank you all for your input, as some of you have touched upon, our initial actions were to help him through a very difficult situation which was not of his making. I guess we anticipated he would stay with us for a few months until he could sort himself out, lick his wounds for a bit and then move on, but he doesn't seem in any hurry to do so.
He works about 45 hours a week and probably earns as much as he is ever going to, and his work patterns would mean another job is not really an option. He pays child support obviously but I am not really sure where his money goes, he is often scraping around at the end of the month.
We have probably inadvertently made it too easy for him to leave. I did think of giving him a time frame, say the end of the year as this would give him time to save and prepare.