The newest Newbie?!?!
Hey Ya'll!
I've been searching for over a month to find a forum that I could get involved with. A place to vent and get advice. I've been going through the forums lately, and I must admit I'm a bit shocked at the negativity around here! Ya'll can call me Rukah, I am a step mom to three. 9, 18, and 20. The two oldest are girls, and I don't think they look at me as a step mom really, and in truth, Its hard to look at them as my children. I like to think of us more as sisters. My step son on the other hand, is my pride and joy. I came into their lives nearly 6 years ago, and all of our worlds have changed tremendously since.
I'm still learning the ropes around here, and trying to learn all the lingo. (What in the world does DH stand for?) The week before Thanksgiving, SS was finally removed from his mothers house. Things were very bad there, and at 9 years old he had no curfew, no bed time, no limit to his video games or computer time. He had free reign and did whatever he wanted when ever he wanted. He was horribly misbehaved in school, and even more so at home. His teacher noticed some bruising on him, and it turns out his mother beat him because he refused to do his homework as well as take a shower. Not to mention the bruises on his neck from where he tried to choke himself out. He has some serious anger issues, which lead to self abuse. (He hits himself as hard as he can when he gets mad, I have never witnessed him choking himself, however, that's what BM says happened....)
Since he has been with us, his grades have improved (Currently a straight A student) and his behavior has been much better. Until this week. I think he has finally gotten comfortable in his environment and is starting to resort to his old habits. He started hitting himself at school (totally embarrassing for me!!) and is showing a lack of Interest. His IEP (Individualized Education Plan) scores have been low lately, and he is getting more warnings and lower behavior grades this week.
I finally got him to open up to me tonight, (after being gone 12 hours with work and school) and he started to cry and explained to me he really misses being in PRE-K. I asked him why, and he told me that is when life was better. Everything was better. It broke my heart. A 9 year old should not be thinking this way.
My husband is not the greatest when it comes to parenting. Often sitting in front of the TV the entire time I'm gone. Not really showing much interest in him during the week, except to complete homework while I am gone. (Tues & Thur I leave the house at 8am and don't get home till almost 9pm)I try to encourage him to be more involved rather than just on the surface, but he tends to be caught up in his own problems and frustrations with life. (Me? I don't seem to get that privilege.)
Don't misunderstand, I absolutely adore my hubs, he is amazing to me, and a wonderful provider. However, this has been completely thrown in our laps, and has been quite a challenge and adjustment we can't seem to settle into. My patience are worn thin, working 2 jobs, and attending night classes at the local community college, then coming home to clean house and keep watch on my SS.
I am looking forward to getting to know you all, and having a place to vent as well as a place to brag. I think I'll go back to browsing the forums. I just wanted to say Hello and give a brief introduction to myself and my situation. (Brief? I know....I love to write, what can I say?!?!?!) 
Welcome. You can bring on the
Welcome. You can bring on the negativity at your own pace, no one here will complain
And if you don't feel a little negative over time with the circumstances you are already describing, well then you're a better woman than I.
DH is Dear Husband.
Again, welcome! Reading here saves my sanity during the tough times and keeps things real when things are going well. I read more than I post, because I do a lot of reading at work and can't post from there. It all helps.
Yes, I am starting to realize
Yes, I am starting to realize this may not be the place for me after all.
My SK's have put me through hell. Nevertheless, I see them as people, and I understand their fears/thoughts/concerns/frustrations.
Kids are mean,manipulative and sometimes evil.
It doesn't give us a right to hate them. The trick is to put your own ego aside and see what they are crying out for.
I state again, why on earth would you marry a man/woman with children you hate? You're marrying a family, not an individual.
Im starting to see where the idea of the wicked step mother came from.
LOL
LOL
ALL of our step kids are
ALL of our step kids are human.
That's just it.....
I think STA is half human,
I think STA is half human, he's actually getting to be full human, SS7 has always been a good skid therefore human.
As many of you know...Redface Magee and dPPP are not human, they don't even have the compassion God gave the serial killer.
You are correct in that.
You are correct in that.
I can't argue that I have
I can't argue that I have based opinions on one or two posts here and there.
I am wrong for judging on such minimal information.
I also can't disagree that there are days where I could do some serious damage to all three of my SK's. I'm realizing that is what this place is for. A place to bitch about them to, instead of to my DH. (That just adds more bullshit onto his shoulders...he already has enough)
I came from a broken home, and a blended family.
I dealt with the meanness and discomfort of a step mom who hated me.
I lost my father to her. She won.
At 17, my father showed back up, dying, and apologetic. I had less then a year with him before he died.
So, maybe I am taking things to personally and not looking outside the box.
For that, I apologize, and I am also grateful at how open y'all have been to my widespread negativity. I have proven I am no angel.
I am looking forward to this group!
For now, its WAY past my bed time, award ceremony at school tomorrow in 7 hours, then work till 6. then, TGIF!!! This weekend is MINE!!! I'm sure I'll be back around!!
Ok #1, when a kid is mean,
Ok #1, when a kid is mean, manipulative, and evil towards us it absolutely gives me the right to hate that kid.
#2 Before DH and I got married I didn't see his kids all that much. On the weekends sure, but there is a lot of evil one can hid in just two days.
#3 Yeah, my skid with "anger issues" as his enabling parents like to call it has
a almost broken my youngest sons orbital socket.
b tried to set my house on fire 3 times
c have made racist remarks to my kids who are halfies
d has tortured my animals, he literally ripped the hair out of my cat and she had bald spots form him for months.
e has threatened death to me, has told DH he is just going to kill himself so he can guilt his dad out of punishment for his "anger issues"
You might be all brady bunch in love with your kids but how dare you insult anyone here who is not. Until you've been put through some of the crap we have you have no right to judge us. Wicked stepmom huh? When disney makes a movie about the bitch daughter or psycho step son then I'll give him some credit for knowing about blended families.
Oh, and one more thing, I
Oh, and one more thing, I didn't marry his kids, I married him. Fell in love with him, not his kids. He married me, not my kids. Tolerating baggage your spouse comes with is not marrying it, it's knowing that you have to put up with it.
Your skid is the freaking
Your skid is the freaking DEVIL. You have been through utter hell.
Yes thank you. And it is my
Yes thank you. And it is my God given right to hate the devil!!
Amen, sister. AMEN!
Amen, sister. AMEN!
It would seem everyone in the
It would seem everyone in the state of TX needs to take the class given by BM. I'll give you a little cheat sheet,
Redface is never wrong, you are.
Redface is never bad, the people around him are.
Ok, Redface might get a little super violent at times, just drop to the fetal position and pray he doesn't set you on fire.
A+
Just so happens I have a 10
Just so happens I have a 10 pound bag of sugar with his name on it...
Oh good, I thought I was the
Oh good, I thought I was the only one. I have little things for self defense hidden all around my home just for when he is there. If you come into my house and find them you would swear I was a doomsday prepper.
If he doesn't eat it, you can
If he doesn't eat it, you can drop it on his head.
I would much prefer giving my
I would much prefer giving my love to rabid dog than to my skids. The rabid dog deserves it more.
I agree (with you, Rukah).
I agree (with you, Rukah). It's hard to read some of the posts that come down really hard on kids when it's usually the dad not parenting them and not the kids' fault. Anyway, Pre-K was probably awesome because life was easier then. Is he seeing a counselor? It's good that he opened up to you. He has probably experienced things you can't even imagine. Dad really needs to wake up. I would get rid of the tv if necessary. As a matter of fact, I did. I don't watch tv at all anymore. We have basic cable and I watch DVD movies at night while I go to sleep, but no more sitting in front of the tv. My dad came home from work and put himself in his recliner every night, in front of the tv. I've had a lot of issues come from my dad not being emotionally available to me. My mom did everything and I felt like I wasn't worthy of a Daddy. The movie Courageous is good for fathers to kick it into gear. Good luck!
Thank you. I appreciate
Thank you.
I appreciate knowing that I am not the only one.
My hubs and My father are very similar as well. (They say girls marry their daddys......)
I will look into that movie.
Thank you again.
Definitely a different way to
Definitely a different way to look at things.....
LOL. I think I'll use that one next time I pick up hubs a card. Should for sure put a smile on his face!!!
Yes to counseling, sort of.
Yes to counseling, sort of. We set things up in December, but have not heard back from the local agency. (We set up home visits as to help with the adjustments)
I'm actually getting quite frustrated because the Counselor has avoided calling us back as well. There is ONE male counselor in this entire group, which apparently makes it more complicated. (Hubs and I feel a male counselor will benefit SS much better than a female...there's speculation of some inappropriateness.....I'll leave it at that)
On that note, I am really going to try and go to bed.
I see how this site gets addicting!
"My SK's have put me through
"My SK's have put me through hell."
"The trick is to put your own ego aside and see what they are crying out for."
"You're marrying a family, not an individual."
Thanks for describing why I won't get married to him.
I LOVE kids. I love people! I am very well-respected and a great friend to many.
However, when little people are poisoned against you by their asshole mother,
and your man looks at those little shits like they are special and need protection,
and you're trying to protect HIM from emotional manipulation,
while dealing with disrespect from his kids, his ex, his parents, and from HIM,
and feeling the pangs of guilt in your heart because you normally get along with everybody,
and having to consider whether or not you'll let spies penetrate your fortress so they can "visit" their dad,
while paying some psycho bitch child support that takes food out of your mouth,
and trying to hide your ANGER when a child throws yet another tantrum that you could have easily avoided,
and watching your normally attentive man live in the river of denial about how fucked his kids are,
babysitting a child who was brought up by a welfare-mom with no morals,
thinking about how many men you let walk away in your 20's over dumb shit,
or seeing the kid that constantly displays piss-poor manners that your parents would have flogged you for,
and watching a whore turn your man into a bitch,
and wondering how you got mixed up with such dysfunction,
while thinking back to what you did to your own step-mother or step-father,
and wishing that you could have a normal life with the man you love,
Until you do all that... you won't REALLY understand where the idea of wicked step mother came from... I'd rather EAT THOSE KIDS THAN LOVE THEM!
Hi, and welcome.
YES, I need to print this,
YES, I need to print this, enlarge it, and highlight some of these and then hang it on my fridge for bf to see.
lol i just did!!!!
lol i just did!!!!
I can COMPLETELY understand
I can COMPLETELY understand where you are coming from.
Child support? Try 2500 a month on a BARE MINIMUM income because my husband lost EVERYTHING in his divorce. (His company, which, not to brag, was very successful in many ways...hence the large amount of child support.)
We lived out of food pantries for years and in shitty week to week rentals just to survive.
The ex? OMG YES! She is a psycho drunk. Calling him at all hours of the night, highly intoxicated just to give him shit. Might I add she moved in with her mommy and hasn't worked but one job for 7 months since their divorce. (In which she was fired from for no call no show 7 TIMES!!! 7!!!!!!) (Showing up drunk though, that was acceptable)
Visitations with the kids? OMG YES! I hated when they were younger and came to visit, only to be getting phone calls from the drunk psycho ex about what we are doing, how we are living, etc etc. We went to Florida once on vacation, completely paid for by my mother. 2 weeks later we were in court, she had pictures of our vacation. we were behind on child support. (2500 a month!!! A MONTH!!!)
Denial? Yes again!!! He refuses to see how the oldest two are soooooo screwed up!! and CONTINUES to bail them out!!!
Kids with piss poor manners? The kids were cussing their father out in their early teens. My poor DH was so distraught and depressed over this. He still suffers with depression because of his children.
Being raised by an alcoholic was rough.
My own anger too! I have caught myself doing the evil stomp many a times because they didn't want to do this, or don't like that. Temper tantrums are a PAIN IN THE ASS!
Wondering about the dysfunction? yes. Thinking about walking away? Yes.
Ive experienced it all.
It doesn't change the fact that these are kids. Kids who are CRYING for love and affection and attention.
No. This divorce was 7 YEARS
No. This divorce was 7 YEARS ago.
My husband and I have been together 6 in august, married 3 in October.
Completely understand the concern.
I was not the other woman.
I read this the same way the
I read this the same way the first time I read it. I think she means that BM has never held a job for more than 7 months. At least I hope so...
Yes, 7 months of working in 7
Yes, 7 months of working in 7 years.
I apologize for the miscommunication.
I should proof read more
I was totally being
I was totally being tongue-in-cheek to vent...as my man was snoozing. Then he came up to my "lair" and I had to close this window.
To add - "having to hide Step Talk from my man because he doesn't get my addiction to this site."
Seriously, it's tough for kids. I get that. Truly I do. My entire career has been focused on older kids/adults with barriers to employment and education - mostly due to craptastic parenting. I live and breathe this shit.
The main problem that I see with your post is that you put kids on a pedestal. THEY DON'T BELONG THERE.
MOST of the women (and a few men) here are also crying for love and affection and attention. It's a HUMAN need! Step-parents are not made to put a RANDOM child's needs above their own. Especially not asshole kids. See, as adults and good parents, I believe it's our job to teach kids NOT to be assholes. But stepparents are handcuffed because of our roles. WE should be the ones that people see as victims... though the chicks on this site are as strong as an official army you could find.
We are the adults, so we have to suck it up. We married so-and-so who had kids so we have to suck it up. We know better, so we have to suck it up. We're OLDER than them so we have to suck it up.
NOT!!!
Not in my world. I believe that we should CALL OUT every bad behavior/dysfunction when we see it and expect MORE out of our children, and other people's children.
I'm not too old to remember a time when kids were not put on a pedestal. They (we) had expectations. And if we didn't adhere to the expectations, bad stuff happened to us.
Not anymore. Now people glorify kids and worry about their fee-fees. EFF THAT. Not me.
But I did mean what I said when I welcomed YOU. You sound like you've been through the trenches... though you're more glass half full than I could ever be. I can admire that. Welcome, girlfriend.
Yep - that's my skids....
Yep - that's my skids.... Mommy Dearest armed them and sent them in my direction - HOW DARE I TAKE HER MAN!!!! (which BTW I didn't he left her BEFORE he started seeing me she well and truly screwed up her marriage on her own - well with his help!)
So I was the target and they were the skid missiles, seek and destroy was their goal, and they worked towards it with an unbelievable determination - if only they would put so much effort and will-power into more productive areas they COULD be great kids....
Instead they are little BM trained Arseholes. Meh - I feel no remorse for calling them that. Once they get to say about 5 the "oh but they don't know any better" excuse SHOULD be put away never to be heard again.
^^ taush said it best!!
taush said it best!!
LMAO - and THIS is why I come
LMAO - and THIS is why I come here..... because people don't BULLSHIT each other.
OP - welcome and all, sincerely, welcome. Stop being so fucking judgemental about people and situations you have NO clue about.
Once your SD has told your 10yoDD that you are a whore a few times and gotten her daddy's blessing to carry on doing it come back and tell me to love the little bitch.
OP?
OP?
Opening Poster - the person
Opening Poster - the person who started the thread.
Welcome. I'd suggest you not
Welcome. I'd suggest you not judge everyone on this board so quickly. I was rather taken aback at first, as well. Now, I'm learning the stories, the personalities behind the posts and I understand better.
Some posters are in such a different place in their lives than I am that I have difficulty relating, but that does not decrease the value of our interaction.
Since I've been here I have learned a great deal. Hope you add your perspective to our discussions.
Indigo, I greatly appreciate
Indigo,
I greatly appreciate your insight.
I can not argue with you that I may have come across a bit harsh.
I am just so taken aback by all the hatred. I can't understand why be in such a situation.
Also, your right again, as we are all in different stages of life.
Thank you.
You've politely put me in my place, I am grateful.
I love you. For starters, you
I love you.
For starters, you are closer to the boy because you got him at an earlier age than you did the girls. From the sound of things, you may be what saves your SS. His BM does not seem to have his best interest at heart.
Two jobs and going to school and taking care of SS? Would it be possible for DH (Darling Husband) to provide you with some relief? Maybe hire a part time maid to help with the housework.
I am afraid that you are going to be overwhelmed under your present load if you continue as you are. We all have our breaking points.
Remember that your SKids will come to appreciate all you do for them as they get older. And of course, DH will only love you more for all you do for his children.
I am glad to meet you. You sound like a great gal. God bless.
(And for real, ask DH to get you some help around the house, or ask if you could not quit one of your jobs. There is such a thing as over doing it.)
Thank you. I love you too!!!
Thank you.
I love you too!!! (I am all about spreading the love)
I have been seriously considering hiring a part time maid to help around the house.
He and I both work 2 jobs. We run a resale shop together, he has another full time job and I part time.
It is a lot. Was much easier when SS was not here.
Don't misunderstand, I wouldn't change him being here for the world.
Just trying to get into a groove and routine.
I am certainly not wonderful,
I am certainly not wonderful, nor am I the first.
But thank you for the compliment!!!!!
Send them my way! I bet they would love me!
My SD's? One was a cheerleader.....SO NOT ME! I HATED going to practices and meets and having to play the "cheer mom role," Oh and how all the other moms judged me.
Eff em. I sucked it up, and did what I felt was best for my SD whether I enjoyed it or not. It wasn't about me. it was about her.
The other one? Shes a freak. You know, pink hair, tattoos and piercings. Also SO NOT ME! They are complete opposites. Nevertheless, I found this stupid card game she loved and learned to play it. Ever heard of Magic? A total nerd game. Much like Dungeons and Dragons. LAME.
Yup, my parents got divorced, yup, my step mom was a total bitch and took my father away from me because she couldn't handle my acting out. Yup, it scarred me, Yup, I still hurt from it from time to time.
However, all it did was give me PERSPECTIVE as an adult.
That bridge has been built and its pretty damn strong.
Respect the kids, they might respect you... just sayin.
Oh, and its very nice to meet you!!!!!
My sincerest apologies for
My sincerest apologies for not responding as rapidly as you would have liked. It was 2am where I am, and I needed to be up at 6 to get SS to school, and arrive on time to his award ceremony for achieving straight A's, then had to go to my first job, only to go to my second.
Now then, back to the point at hand. I most certainly made my step mothers life hell. I will not deny it. I was distraught, my father left my mother for her. Just disappeared out of our lives one day and I didn't see him for 4 years before he came back around.
Of course, I am very much aware that my father made his own choices. He chose to leave just as much as my step mother chose to leave with him. She had a choice in the matter just like he did. Together, they chose to leave me hanging.
Did I try to kill her? No, Did I ever threaten her or call her names? No.
But, I was a brat. An evil Brat. Did I have a "I want to marry my daddy" phase. How could I? He left at 5, came back around 9 then left again at 12. In the 3 years I did see him, it was, at most, 4-6 times a year. Not to mention all the broken promises.
She never made an effort to get to know me, when I did come to visit, she was always in the way. I spent very little time with my father, all I wanted was for it to be quality. How could I when she needed him for this, or he had to do that.
My mother and sisters? I put them through hell too. Why? I wanted attention. Affection. When no one has time for you, you start to act out in hopes that someone will show you attention.
After awhile, even negative attention is better than no attention at all.
In fact, I craved attention so much that I was taken advantage of by a very sick man at a very young age.
But, that's not important.
I am truly apologetic I have offended some of you. I'm sure if you go back and read, You will see where I understand how I came in and was very rude. I don't know everyone's situation. I don't know what you have or have not been through.
I was wrong. I can admit that.
Nevertheless, the amount of hatred is pretty immense.
My hatred? I direct to the psycho-ex-drunk. (PED) However, I choose to take the higher road, she is on her way over with my oldest step daughter, as we are going to have a family dinner to celebrate her sons accomplishments in school. (Accomplishments he has never made prior to living with me)
I have been around for 6 years. I have been slapped, called a bitch, whore, been told to get the fuck out of their house. I have been abused, disrespected and resented.
Nevertheless, I still choose to show love. I take the high road, that is all.
However, I am grateful for all your negative opinions and assumptions of me as well. I most certainly do not live with the Brady Bunch. (I think they would get annoying anyway!)
Very Nice to meet all of you.
All things are much in the
All things are much in the past, again, I had teenage step daughters. Though they are older, and still figuring themselves and their lives out, we struggled in life.
I see that my post was a bit deceiving. My husband cooks and cleans right along side of me. He isn't *Always* sitting on his ass watching TV.
Yes, their have been boundaries set and decisions made between my husband and I. I chose to cook the family meal. I want my step son to have his mother in his life as much as she is willing to be apart of it. So long as it is under our roof and under our supervision. she will NEVER be alone with him again. Not for a long time to come.
SS has worked very hard in the last 3 months to achieve the goals he has reached. When asked what he would like as a reward, he said time with his mother. I provided.
Yes, I know I don't deserve to be treated in such a way. I also know and recall the kind of teenager I was. These girls were breeze compared to me.
In the end, all that matters is that I love my family. SK's and all.
I am learning. I'm reading and understanding. I know I've already made enemies around here, and I completely understand as I came in like a Tornado stirring up everyone's emotions.
Hubs also works two jobs, and we share the responsibilities of our household together. He just doesn't understand what it means to be a dad.
But he's learning. We both are.
Married, without even telling
Married, without even telling his children?
Only for her to leave him 7 years later, while he is on his death bed, for another man.
Yea, she was a real winner.
I love your views Sally, you
I love your views Sally, you can say it so much softer than I can cause I'll admit this post sent me in a tailspin,
Welcome to the site.One thing
Welcome to the site.One thing to bare in mind is that a lot of people that vent on here do so because it is their only outlet to vent their frustration & hence may end up saying things they think but would never dream of saying out aloud in real life.
Regarding your statement "why on earth would you marry a man/woman with children you hate? You're marrying a family, not an individual" firstly a marriage takes place between 2 people not a group (unless you are into polygamy) so I definately did not marry or make vows to anyone else but my DH.Secondly some of the posters on here that are now at the hating stage started out with good intentions but after continually being treated like a piece of dirt by their skids taking the moral high ground starts wearing a little thin. Luckily disengagement saves some of us from sliding down that slippery slope.
Hi, sorry I haven't read all
Hi, sorry I haven't read all the comments but a few. I married my husband and thought his kid and her sister was great. They acted like we were one big happy family and I thought that was cool until their mother got a divorce from their step dad. Their mom being single started coming over to my house more and got jealous. I had to set boundaries because the bitch was a fruit loop. The kids turned on me so fast and started the parent trap. The years made it worst while their mom remains single and determined to get what I have. Makes my life miserable how she uses the kids. Makes me resent them and starting to resent my husband. You wait, I have seen this many times. After all you've done for these kids. Their mother may straighten her life out and they will turn on you.
I can only hope that their
I can only hope that their mother WILL straighten her life out. Yes, I love all three of my SK's with everything I have. Nevertheless, I don't intend to replace their mother. I wish she would step up to the plate, get her shit straight, and take responsibility for all her children.
I would never oppose to her getting back involved.
Kids need both their parents. Undoubtedly.
Yes, let's hope she gets her
Yes, let's hope she gets her shit straight. Let's hope that when and if she does that your step kids doesn't have a short memory. Let's hope she doesn't steal your identity from you. With that being said, let's hope one of them will remember you on your death bed. I don't think you will be alone if you get through this destiny you chose. Let's hope it's worth it. Hope is a good thing.
They will poison you as soon
They will poison you as soon as they get sick of you. Watch your food carefully! Your toothbrush , make up and etc. think about it. If they will lie on you, don't think for a second they won't poison you or put nasty stuff in your stuff. Also, they will tape you and post the crap all over and turn your adult friends against you..Atleast try too. Have you watched YouTube lately?
It has worked amazingly for 6
It has worked amazingly for 6 years. Sure, we have had many ups and downs. But one thing I was taught, is family is family, and you love them anyway.
Make me? LOL It was my idea.
Make me? LOL
It was my idea.
Why isn't DH taking care of
Why isn't DH taking care of his kids? I'm guessing, because you're the woman he could sucker into doing his job for him.
But the problem for you, and for DH and the stepkids, is that they WANT DH to love them *enough* to turn off the TV and pay attention. You're no replacement. And when they start to realize that DH will never, ever, get up off his butt and love them, that he will always leave the *work* of parenting to you... they will resent the hell out of you. Because deep inside, they hope that YOU are the reason Daddy doesn't do anything with them... that YOU are blocking Daddy's love. They won't understand that even if you weren't there... Daddy still wouldn't turn off the TV.
You've posted about how other stepmoms, whose stepchildren smear menstrual blood on the counters and mirrors in the bathroom, who refuse to flush toilets, who use drugs near stepmom's biochild, who steal from and physically assault the stepmom.... that these stepmoms are negative? That if they 'respected' the stepkid, all would be well???
I hope you never have your respect for your stepkids put to the test.
Forces me? No ma'am/sir. I
Forces me? No ma'am/sir. I make an effort and a choice. And along the way my hubs learns.
He is not a POS like some fathers out there. He has his own issues he is dealing with, just like the rest of us.
My company is here.
I will be back again soon.
Why? What motivates you to
Why? What motivates you to make the effort and the choice to care for someone else's kid, while that someone else watches tv? Why use your time and money in that way?
Its simple. These children
Its simple. These children need a positive role model in their lives. As well as my hubs. His family life growing up was terrible. He simply does not no how to be a father.
Not his fault.
Lead by example is my belief. 6 years ago, he wasn't even at home. He worked as often as he could.
Change takes time.
If I can make a difference in my SK's life, and show them a different side of humans beings, then maybe they will learn from it, even if it takes 10 years, it is worth every second to me.
Why? Because I was alone my entire child hood. Left to fend for myself from the time my father left at 5 years old. I understand how they feel, and what they feel, that obviously sets me apart from the rest.
and yes, the teenage years
and yes, the teenage years are the worst. Especially when they come from broken homes.
They act out, and get in trouble. Their a mess inside their own heads.
Young enough to still be
Young enough to still be naive and have heart, but old enough to be wise and understanding.
Apparently not. I'm a
Apparently not. I'm a writer, what can I say.
LOL. What a great answer. I
LOL. What a great answer. I can never think of anything that clever, so I just blurt out "51."
crew?
crew?
Don't judge, lest ye be
Don't judge, lest ye be judged. You are right some of us can not stand our stepkids, but there is a lot more to the stories on here. We all went in hoping for the best and usually got treated like crap. For me, SD18, is not welcome in my life and I intend to keep it that way. I am raising my SS16 and it is a challenge, but I love him, not like my BS18, because he is not the child I would have raised, he is an anomaly for me, but I am his , step mom. I will never be mom, because she surfaces like an illness every 6 weeks.
My SD18, sued us when she turned 14 and put us through hell. Long ugly, story. Do not judge when when you have no idea what we have gone through.
Glad it is working for you with your SK's, but not all of us can think of them as our siblings. For me, I would like to go back and take my SD over my knee and give her the discipline she needed that no one gave, because they felt bad about the divorce. Now, she is a tattooed, pierced, nymphomaniac that I do not want around my life or my son's lives.
No. Kids do not get a free
No. Kids do not get a free pass. That only creates adults who believe the world and society owe them something.
Much like I was in my late teens/early twenties.
I believe in Discipline and rules and schedules.
We have chores and do homework and have set aside reading time.
There are consequences for all his actions, which he has never experienced before. Bad choices bring bad consequences and good choices bring good consequences.
As for my oldest two, they are out on their own already. Didn't like step mom coming in and changing things around. Didn't like that this new "Evil Step Bitch" came in and set routines and had expectations that shed to their father, in which he showed more interest in their lives and they got away with a LOT less. Now, they struggle daily and are doing everything they can to survive in the real world.
My SS20 has two kids under 2 already. She is learning, rather quickly, that parenting is not easy. (She lived with her father and I full time)
My ss18 is still in high school and has left her mothers house to stay at her boyfriends house as she is tired of her mothers drunk psycho antics. (Stealing her money, getting drunk and screaming and yelling at her, telling her nothing but negative thoughts) She tried to live with us over the summer, and didn't like it. So she chose to go back to her mothers house. Within 2 months DFCS got involved, and removed her brother from the home. (She was already 18 and responsible for herself)
Last night, ss20 came over with her family, and brought her mother along for dinner. (Completely MY choice, if I didn't want her here, she wouldn't be here) Of course, it was awkward and uncomfortable.
J, (SS20) was very uncomfortable as she wasn't sure who to talk to/react to. She didn't want her mother to feel any more uncomfortable than she already was, but didn't want to disrespect me or make me feel uncomfortable either. I encouraged her and her father to make PED (psycho-ex-drunk) as comfortable as possible. For the first time in J's life, her parents were in the same room, without fighting. For the first time in 7 years, they were in the same room not acting as complete strangers, but reminiscing on the younger years when the kids were babies and "life was good" I know that's a memory she will cherish for years to come.
As for ss9, my heart hurt a little. He stubbed his toe and ran straight to his mom. Who has only seen him one other time in 3 months and has called him only 3 times in 3 months. (if that.)
Nevertheless, I understand a child longing for his mother. His real mother. The woman he has a bond with. I just wish she could understand it. He wanted mommy to sit next to him at dinner, gave me attitude when I picked him up from school because mommy didn't pick him up and she is in town. (She arrived for his awards ceremony at school, which was awesome because no one thought she would!)
So No, my SK's aren't on a pedastool nor do they get a free pass for their actions. All three of my SK's understand the consequence rule in our house. The oldest two didn't like them, so they left. Their choice. Like most parents, you abide by my rules in my house or you move on.
As for ss9, I hope I still have time to mold him into a being of positiveness for the ugly society we live in today. As for sd20 and sd18, we are here for them when they need us, there is ALWAYS a room for them at our house, ALWAYS. Even the SGK's. They both (SD's) have chosen to take the hard road in life, they chose to try to do it on their own. Their realizing how hard it is and how difficult it is to survive.
I can only hope, with the both of them, one day they see I was not trying to be the "Evil Step Bitch" but simply trying to give them some structure and order to their chaotic world. I simply tried to veer their path from a negative road to a positive one.
On a final note, as I am aware I have rambled yet again. (I do that very often, Hubs hates it!)
I understand the feeling of being done. Before ss20 moved out, I was at my wits end and sometimes scared to come home not knowing what her mood would be like. Was she going to be sweet because she wanted something, or was she going to be a bitch because she didn't get her way.
I suppose I just can't give up to easily because everyone always gave up on me. Because I was a shitty child, craving attention and affection and put everyone through hell who didn't give it to me.
I'm learning a lot in my short 3 days here, I have you all to be thankful for that.
Thank you.
Gosh, OP you do deserve a
Gosh, OP you do deserve a round of applause. Loving your skids, working two jobs, cooking a meal for BM, the boy getting a straight A and you rushing to the school for his award ceremony. Oh wait, you are already applauding yourself. You sincerely do have my admiration but I am hearing deep hatred for your own SM, bitterness years later over your parents divorce and wonder what your true motives are? Are you so confident that you are the stable powerhouse in their lives? I hope so. Perhaps look into some of your own bitterness issues? Please don't judge until you have walked in others shoes.
Yes, I do still struggle with
Yes, I do still struggle with some of the things from my past. Don't we all?
Yes, I do feel that my role in my family stems from my childhood.
I appreciate the applaud, and yes, I am applauding myself. I have worked hard to get him where he is today, and will continue to work hard so he can one day be a productive member of society as opposed to a damage to it.
I have worked hard to bring Hubs closer to his DD's. I have worked hard to create a safe environment for all my sk's and my hubs.
Yes, I was wrong to judge. (See my other post, A Sincere Apology)
Am I the stable powerhouse in my family? Most certainly not. I just haven't been around enough to talk about my failures.
I am not perfect and I most certainly do not claim to be.
Yes, I did hate my SM, and yes, looking back, I could have acted differently and I could have been nicer. Yes, I do believe she took my father away from me. Yes, I am also aware that my father made his choices. Together, they chose to leave the state with no warning.
Yes, I am bitter towards my step brothers, it pains me to hear them cry about my fathers death. (A decade ago) because he was such a great father figure to them. He was busy raising someone else s kids and ignoring his own.
(We were the second family he ran out on fyi, my mother wasn't so smart in her choices either)
I also agree I do have my own bitterness issues. No doubt in my mind. I suffer from some anger issues too.
I am striving to stay aware of them, and handle them, and to pull through to the other side with them.
Your FATHER took himself away
Your FATHER took himself away from you, not your SM. Welcome to the world of "whatever happens, blame the SM." The SM had zero responsibility to you, it was your father who did. Sorry for you that he didn't assume that responsibility. Mine was not really there for me as a child either. We went several years in my adult life without talking. And then I realized that A LOT of how I feel toward my father was fueled by statements from my own mother, not by anything else. I remember her saying she wasn't going to make us go over to my dad's house when we were younger, even though there was absolutely nothing bad going on there. I now realize how difficult my own mother made it for my father to be my daddy.
Sometimes, it's all about perspective. You've already admitted what a horrible child you were. Someone (maybe your mother, who is simply a victim in all this?) should have guided you better. But yet your SM gets the blame for the bad in your life. And you wonder why SMs around the world might be a little bitter?
I saw many people shocked
I saw many people shocked over how you said you see yourself as your step kids sister. I was wondering if you see their mother as your lost parent or mom and trying to get her well and HER life back on track? How do you see your husband, as his mom, lover, or sister? I
Confused
Of course he loved Pre-K. No
Of course he loved Pre-K. No performance criteria, a cute smile got hugs and kudos, etc....
The only fix for this is to keep a foot up his ass to maintain his alignment with the rules and behavioral expectations that you have set.
As for your DH (Dear Husband), he is the problem. Time to put a foot up his butt too.
I appreciate all your inputs,
I appreciate all your inputs, at this point.
A woman who can ride off in the sunset with a man who leaves his children IS just as much at fault as the man who left too.
Our views on children and relationships and marriage are obviously different.
All that matters, is I am very happy with my family. Even for the roller coaster it is.
The ex? No. I am not trying to fix her in the least. I have no regards for her one way or the other. Just simply the mother of my step children.
My husband? Seriously? I see him as my HUSBAND. Just simply that. And, the father to my step children.
As for my SS, and Pre-K? Sure, it was easier, but there is much more then what is on the surface. Kindergarten is the year he lost his grandfather, who was an everyday part of his life, as his mother moved in with her mom and dad instead of taking care of herself and her children. That was the year that his mother started abusing him, and his home life started to get very ugly.
Its more than what is on the surface, and I believe I am apparently the only person in the world who understands this.
Also, just to clear things up, NO, My SM does not get the blame for all the bad in my life. My parents, both of them, get the blame for everything that happened to me under the age of 16. I accept full responsibility after that point. Even though their failures were a big part of my bad decisions.
Rukah, I think we all enter
Rukah,
I think we all enter and live in our blended family worlds under the pretence that our spouse is the person we wish to spend our lives with, we want the kids (yours, mine, & ours)to have enjoyable childhoods, and we want to have minimal unwanted intrusion on our blended family lives.
Reality is far different in most cases. Invariably we bring our own baggage, your SO's bring theirs, the kids have COD issues, and sadly many often learn that there is a reason why the SO is an XW or XH. These are all things that must be considered and dealt with as the blended family adventure progresses or .... it does not progress or survive.
As a man I am not a Whole-istic view kind of creature naturally. I see a picture as sections and I deal with each section as required. I enjoy my marriage, my kid (SS-22), and our life as a family though there are elements of the whole that piss me off to no end periodically. Usually there is always something that I need to smack into submission because it is irritating me. When I step back to look at the picture (a difficult thing for me) it is acually all great nearly all of the time.
You joined a site were SParents come to vent and get advice and support from others who have or are living their version of the SParent experience. Take all things from this site that you need and ignore the stuff that you have no value for. Don't let any one perspective irritate you. If a comment is not additive to what you are looking for ... meh ... and move on.
In my case I rode off into the sunset with a woman who brought her spawn with her. Even NCPs rarely ride off into the sunset abandoning their children. Courts award custody, courts award visitation, courts set CS levels. Generally both CPs and NCPS sadly mostly have to suck it up and deal with it. When a toxic opposition or current spouse is in play things just get that much more difficult to navigate.
Take care of yourself.
All IMHO of course.