Someone Please Reply-Step Mom issues!
I consider myself to be a very nice, accepting, and understanding individual. I do absolutely love my stepdaughter. With that being said, I feel like I'm about to lose it as a result of blended family issues!!!! There are no boundaries and way too much co-parenting communication for me. I HATE IT! We do holidays with his ex, birthday parties, and the schedule changes on a whim of whatever the ex has going on. After my fiancé and I had our baby, I wanted his step-daughters cat out of the house. It jumped on my baby (totally on accident, was just running through the house as cats do, BUT STILL) and we also had a terrible flea infestation. His ex actually thought she had a say in weather the cat could stay in OUR HOUSE!! Am I crazy for thinking that is so ridiculous!? Why would this woman get any say in what pets we have in our home??? The schedule always changes and if there is any resistance she guilt trips my fiancé. My fiancé is an absolutely wonderful father, so there's no need to guilt trip him. She'll say things like "I should've went to court a long time ago" and "I've never asked you for a dime of child support"....WHAT?! My fiancé supports his daughter financially. He pays for half of her private school, half of all medical bills, buys her tons of stuff, tons of clothes,..I could go on and on. It's not like he's being some dead beat dad! He loves his daughter and would go to the ends of this earth for her. And since his daughter actually spends more time here than with her Mom, obviously we're spending more on day-to-day costs as well. It's just all non-sense and I'm getting so fed up. Of course, any time I say anything, it's immediately assumed that it's some kind of attack against their daughter. That couldn't be further from the truth, because I think she's a little angel. It's just the evil stepmother stigma. I just think there should be set schedules and they should be followed, and that his ex should really have NO say in our home, unless it was affecting the quality of life of her child (which it never would) I feel like if things keep going the way they are I'm going to want to leave my fiancé. Someone please respond and tell me I'm not crazy!
You aren't crazy. Get the
You aren't crazy. Get the book StepMonster by Wednesday Martin. Read it. Have your husband read it. Find a good marriage counselor that is experienced with step-families.
Your DH needs to put some big changes in place that will be hard for him, because he has to change how he relates to BM. You married him with these behavior in place, so you have to understand that now you are screaming "CHANGE!!!!" and he likes things the way they are. You can't do this without help.
Good luck.
Is how the cat got fleas
Is how the cat got fleas relevant?
Anyway, please know that a lot of other SM's know exactly what you're going through. It's very difficult to have to share your life with someone else's child, and someone else's ex even under the best of circumstances. I would say that to some degree it seems like you're lucky because you are able to do birthday parties and holidays with your SD without there being fighting and drama. MY SD4 has a birthday coming up in a few months and I can only imagine how that is going to go down. BM hates me and doesn't even want me in her driveway when we pick up or drop off SD at her house. THere is NO way she is going to be cool about me being at SD's birthday party, but my BD and SD are best buds, so it's going to be a problem for the kids if she makes a big deal out of it.
But, I can also see that you want your own family traditions and space without BM involved. You really should get in contact with a therapist who can mediate betweeen you and your DH regarding these issues. I think sometimes men think that their wives are just batty when we go to them with our grievances, but a trained professional can explain it to him in a way that maybe you can't. Hearing it from someone else may be what he needs to start making changes. Good luck!
SourGrapes,If mom doesn't
SourGrapes,If mom doesn't want you at the party, then dad should just have a separate one during his time. :? SD will get to have two parties and your daughter will get to attend the one dad throws.
You know BM doesn't want you and the party and that she's likely to make a scene about it. Why on earth would you subject your child to that?
How the cat got fleas is
How the cat got fleas is relevant, IMO. If it came with, it's one thing. If it got them while at OP's home? Totally different story and SD should not be penalized by losing her cat 'cause Dad and SM don't know how/want to contain that problem.
And - dd kid come with te cat. or did Dad/SM get it for kiddo?
Sounds like BM has "Golden
Sounds like BM has "Golden Uterus Syndrome" if anything negative you say is turned into "picking on the stepdaughter."
I can't see this fantasyland continuing. When a marriage breaks up, it is unrealistic to try to keep things going for the kids like the break up never happened. Your SD needs to understand and accept that her "family" is no longer intact, thus she will have two separate birthday parties, Christmas celebrations, etc. It's not perfect and it's not comfortable at first, but it seems to be the only thing that works in most stepfamilies.
Nope, you are not crazy. DH
Nope, you are not crazy. DH needs to immediately file for custody and CS against BM. Since the SKid spends more time with your family than with BM then you should be the CP household. Not having a CO awarding custody and setting CS and visitation is a very dangerous place for your DH to be and he is constantly under the risk and threat of BM nailing him in court. So, he needs to strike first IMHO. For sure he needs a CO in place to stipulate the framework of the blended family interface, schedule, and support.
As for the cat, of course BM gets no say in what pets you have in your home. Congratulate BM on her can and move on.
IMHO of course.
I married a man who had a
I married a man who had a similar relationship with his ex wife. I would NOT recommend it, in fact I would advise running for the hills!! If that isn't an option, then be prepared for a long battle. I once loved my step children and treated them as my own. I once felt for the trials and tribulations of the BM - justifying that she was only human, that it was better to get along for the kids, that she hasn't done anything to me... I tried living in this fantasy world where divorced spouses could get along. I think it worked for them before me because there wasn't any new significant others, but when I came in she resented my presence and I began to resist her manipulation of my house. She started spreading lies, gossiping and such to try to make me look like the evil step mom and I started to act more like an evil step mom by a avoiding events, etc. She even pulled my DH family into it!! These women want their cake and eat it too. They want to be divorced with the freedom of being single/having children half time/etc but they want the comforts of marriage & family with shared events/celebrations/etc. You can't have it both ways!
I.even had a similar experience with a cat. My DH kept the cat they had as a married couple. I accepted the cat into my house with our issue. Recently the cat passed away in his sleep. My DH, still co dependent with ex, called his ex to let her know about the cat. She cried and moaned about how no one told her the cat was sick (which he wasn't, his death was a shock), that she should have had a chance to take him to the vet, etc. She went on about how it was her cat and so on. Really pissed me off because this is how she acts about everything. Didn't want the actual trouble, but wants the rights to dictate and judge.
Screw that. Don't
Screw that. Don't participate.