I am glad you have made a decision and are acting on it. I have followed your story and have always thought he was not telling you the truth about anything.

I would not contact the BM. She cannot be trusted, and you don't want to set up the dynamic of the two of them against you. I would be suspicious of her motive if she did say she would help you.

It sounds like if you go the "no fault" route you have to wait a year for the divorce to be final and if you go "fault" then it can be final sooner? That is a horrible law - is there any other way to make it final sooner?

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. Don't beat yourself up. Every woman has been fooled by a man at least once in her life. Learn from it so you don't make the same mistake in the future.

If you do have to wait the year - stay in touch here. Everyone will be glad to remind you of why you shouldn't go back to him!

You need to follow advice from your lawyer. Don't make any negotiations between DH and you without making it all proper through the courts. This man shouldn't be trusted at all. His word/promises are worth nothing and no way will a judge make a 3month old baby travel 11hrs one way to see DH and be gone for a week each and every month. I can't see it being ordered every other weekend for a weekend visit either. You might consider the kids flying several times during set periods of the year and accompanied by an adult (meaning he flies out to get them and then he flies with them back).

Is there any way he perhaps might take you by surprise and get an emergency hold blocking you from taking the children out of state before you can leave Saturday? Especially if MIL finds out tomorrow that you are leaving and taking the kids (she might finance a very good lawyer for DH).

I wouldn't contact the BM at this point. Who knows what's up with her. She may protect him thinking he'll be back in her bed before you can get five miles out of town. I'd be suspicious she'd be as untrustworthy as DH. You have no reason to think she'd help you, even if just to get rid of you quicker in a divorce.

I wish you didn't have to be in the home with DH between now and Saturday, this could get ugly before you can get away. I am so sorry for everything you're going through and yes, positive thoughts and prayers for you and your babies.

Hi honey, so sorry. But then also - as your new name says "onward and upward" Things WILL get better, you will be happier away from this arsehole.

As hard as this may be - do not confide in your MIL at this point. Call her AFTER you are gone and explain everything then, but NOT before - please. She may turn around again and try to cause problems which you don't need this week.

So - does the Dick know you are leaving Saturday? I am assuming he does? Is there anything he can do to stop you? (I don't mean as in promises and lies I mean legally?)

Are you able to find somewhere to stay until then just in case it becomes difficult? Do you have all your important stuff easy to get to (preferably out of the house altogether) if needed?

Be safe, be strong and you have done the right thing - yes it hurts like a bitch but that doesn't change that it's right.

My condolences for the complete lack of character in your blessedly STB XH and congratulations on the demise of you marriage to that POS.

You are doing absolutely the right thing IMHO. Never, ever, under any circumstances let him off of the meat hook of financial destitution for piles of CS, college tuition for your boys, 100% of medical costs, 100% of visitation travel costs, tons of alimony if you can get it, and anything else you can nail his disgusting ass to the wall with. Time for a life do-over for you and your young sons and to put this asshole far in your life's rear view mirror. Never let him PAS your sons, keep them abreast of the complete and total facts about their disgusting POS father in an age appropriate manner as they grow up and set an example of a happy life for them. There is a man of character out there for you and for your boys who will set an example of a man of character and honor for them, treats you with the respect that you will deserve as his equity life partner, and you and your boys will be fine over time.

My bride also suffered through spawning with a useless serial out of wedlock breeding cheating POS not too dissimilar from your blessedly STB XH. She and I recently celebrated our 20th anniversary with a wedding/vow renewal at a beautiful winery/vineyard near her home town with her friends, family and mine there to celebrate with us. It was splashed in all of the local community papers with stunning pics of her in her beautiful wedding dress and a story of her journey from a 16 & pregnant single teen mom to an honors graduate dual major BS, MBA, and CPA with a successful international career. Sperm GrandHag and the Sperm Idiot nearly stroked out over the several wedding announcements and short articles on her amazing life after she booted his cheating serial statutory rapist POS ass out of her life. The pinnacle of the toothless moron idiot state of their shallow and polluted gene pool was when Sperm GrandHag called my son and tried to chew him out for not inviting his three also out of wedlock Sperm Idiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas to our re-wedding. He laughed at her and hung up. The Sperm Idiot immediately called to try to scream at my SS-22 for hanging up on Sperm GrandHag. SS just laughed, said "Buy Dad" and hung up on him. SS officiated our vow renewal and did a great job. A great pic of the three of us laughing during the vow renewal ran in the DipShitiot's hometown paper the next day.

Living well is the best revenge on these useless POS people and arming children with the behavioral facts of a toxic parent is the best way to protect them from that toxic influence and help them overcome the shallow and polluted end of their gene pool.

Happy new year and may it be a great beginning for your new life.

Take care of yourself and those boys.

All IMHO of course.

Sincerely,

I am so sorry you are going through this. Please consult a lawyer before moving, yes you already have sole custody of your eldest child but theres still a 3 month old that can be contested. Whilst the courts are generally more in favour of the mother, they do not take kindly to those who suddenly up and move across state when relationships end. The last thing you want is to try to get yourself re-established on the other side of the country only to be dragged back for abduction.

My personal opinion, you may not like or agree with, is that only in extreme circumstances should a parent move and remove the children from the other parent. What situation do you have lined up 6 states away that cannot work where you currently are? Or closer to where you are?
How long have you lived where you are?

If 3 month old is still breast feeding then you will probably have little problem in gaining custody, but again you still need to be careful. Never assume when it comes to the law, thats how people end up screwed up.

In regards to the BM I would personally not contact her, why give her the satisfaction.

I'd take those kids and run as far away as you can. Let him sue you for visitation. I doubt he is likely to pursue much. Maybe a week visit in the summer?

{{{{Hugs}}}}
i am so sorry for what you are going through. Even completely justified it is so hard. Sending positive thoughts and the best of luck your way.

Don't talk to bm or mil, they have vested interests in dh.

Formerly Yahtzee ~

Don't contact the " biotech" ~ that is exactly what she wants ~ to prove to you that she "had" him. Don't ease her conscience or let her blantenly lie to you. You know in your heart & head what happened ~ details will haunt you !! Trust me ~ I wondered the same thing. I will never give that bitch the satisfaction of knowing she hurt me or my family. My take or inside thoughts ~ is she gave me the greatest gift ~ a future to find a loving partner who will be honest with me. And a real chance for my children to be happy & anyway from dysfunction ! But I will never reveal my honest feeling to her EVER !!!

Don't tell hubby or I'd prefer to call him douchebag anything ~ lie to him. Tell him you need to cool off at your fathers. He has lied to you over & over again why be honest with him.

I know where I use to live ~ I could no move away from a 50 mile radius of our home. My family lived 150 miles away ~ I left when I put everything together n told him nothing. He called n begged n pleaded for me to come home ~ told him I wasn't ready. I eventually did come home. Find out legally b4 you go !

Leave everyone in the dark ~ they don't reserve to know your next move. Your MIL will understand you wanting to leave but those boys are still her flesh & blood.

Seek a lawyer & play chess.
Take him for what is rightfully owed to you & your boys.

I'm so sorry! I think you've got a good plan, and I do think it's smart NOT to talk to BM. I understand why you're moving back in with family, but I do understand posters who are uncomfortable with the idea of a dad not being able to see his kids too. Maybe once you ARE back on your feet and self-supporting, you could move closer? I don't know. I suppose that's for the future, but I do think that you will do what's best for your boys. (Unlike many of the BM's we deal with, which is where a lot of the discomfort is coming from, I think. But I do not believe for one second that you would ever use your kids to "get" DH, or withhold them to hurt him. So you do what you need to do, for you AND for them - that's all you can do.)

Talk to a lawyer about filing for divorce with adultery as the reason. You may not need as much "proof" as you think. Hell, if he doesn't contest the divorce, you don't need any proof at all!

Good luck, and please come back and keep us updated!!

Prayers going up for you. You are a strong woman. Take care of your children and you.

Is he a bad husband or a bad father? It was the infidelity that sparked OPs outrage, right? Just because he's a cheating, lying scumbag husband doesn't mean she can keep the kids from him. Because this is the man she made TWO children with.

I think that you need to do what is best for you and your kids right now. Their welfare should be your only concern. Puting a roof over their heads and food in their bellys is a real problem.

Unless your dh is independently wealthy, then it doesn't sound like he can support two households. In an ideal world two well adjusted parents would take care of their kids. In the real world this douche sounds like he won't give you a dime. Unless you want to stay at a shelter then it really sounds like your only option is to move.

I wish you the best, your. Sound like a great mom who fell in love with a liar. Take care.

*I am interjecting my experience into this*

Men who can treat someone like this are VERY likely psychopaths. I cringe when I hear someone say, "He was a bad husband, but is he a bad father?" Because this type of behavior isn't just a dude being an asshole, it is a human being that isn't right in the head. Having been married to a psychopath for 8 years, and now being divorced from him for almost as long, I can tell you that the same behavior "trickles down." They don't "cheat" on their kids, but they lie, manipulate, psychologically mess with their kids and have not a care in the world. As a matter of fact, their lives are like 50 First Dates, waking up each day with a clean slate, as if they have never done any of the things that hurt other people and they are surprised if you bring them up.

In the end, my ex came to court with no attorney (his attorney fired HIM for not responding repeatedly over 2 years) and did not contest supervised visitation. So it would not surprise me at all if this dad never addresses visitation with his kids once she is gone.

And you do need to leave. I would not give him ANY head's up, I would just do it. And do what YOU need to do to make a good, safe home for your kids and rebuild your life.

At the end of the day, Dad COULD file to have at least the one child returned. And it is more than likely that yahtzee will be ordered to pay ALL transportation costs for visitation.

Take your chances in court. Infact, which ever state you're moving to keep calling the family court where your DH lives, as soon as you find out the court date, ask for an extension. Tell them you can't make it that far on that day, tell them you're trying to find a lawyer that will help you in that state. Keep pushing it back until you can't and then your kids will be resedents of the new state you are in, have an established life there, and the judge will most likely side with you on not having to travel 11 hours more than once a month.
Good luck honey, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Prayer, fingers and toes.

Sorry to hear this Yhatzee and sorry your DH is such a scum bag. I hope your new life is kind to you.