Legal custody issues?
I would like input from those of you that have been dealing with moster BMs for a lot longer than I have. I read the forums all the time, but I don't post often. I have a 8 year old SD. BM and DH divorced when she was 3, they have joint physical/legal custody. I came into the picture shortly after. SD and I have a good relationship which of course BM can't stand.
BM has always been difficult. Golden uterus fits as does raging narcissistic. No one, is better than BM. Anyway, issues of late are as follows.
- agrees to appointments, then cancels and takes her to another doctor when DH can't make the appointment (she is a nurse and of course dad is just dumb, her words)
- SD was seeing a therapist but she pulled her consent because "everytime SD sees the therapist it costs her money" SD can be seen at her school by a therapist for a whopping 10 minutes.
- SD has allergies. I have allergies as well, so our home is clean and pet/smoke free. BMs home is filty, CPS report says so as do other people, they have animals and a wood burning fireplace with wood piled in the living room that they use as their heat source. Every Sunday SD arrives she is in a full blown allergy attack. By Sunday when she returns she is showing very little, if any, signs of allergies.
- BM is refusing to let SD see an allergist. SD is on 3 meds already and BM keeps taking her to the ENT. The ENT refuses to tell BM to rid of the pets and allergens, she knows the allergist will.
- BM is now resorting to bartering with SDs health. Example, I will allow her to see the allergist if you allow her to get the flu shot. DH says no to flu shots.
- this is on top of BM filling SD with crap about her dad and I. Daddy is selfish, daddy doesn't love you like I do. - - BM tells SD that she is saving all the emails and text messages for SD to read so she can see how mean DH is to her.
- DH cannot stand the conflict. He has resorted to email only. BM will call on Sunday nights after the exchange and berate him for something that SD told her, while SD is right there listening. BM sits SD down when she gets home and interrogates her about her week.
- BM and DH took SD to see a pediatric endocrinologist. BM was convinced SD was developing boobs at the age of 6. Doc said, she is chubby, reduce her sugar intake because her body cannot properly digest it. BM and BMs mom are obese. Doc said if you don't reduce the sugar she will be obese like you and your mom. BM takes goodies to school at least 3 days a week when it is our week. Cupcakes, cookies, candy bars. SD brings them home. When it is her week she is dumb enough to post pics on Facebook of SD eating whatever she wants.
I could go on but I think you all get the point. DH is going to see a lawyer this week to see if we have enough to try for full legal custody. Has anyone ever tried for full legal and what was the result? Are our reasons superficial? We feel she does not have SDs best interest at ahnd, she is more concerned about herself.
We are in Michigan if that makes a difference.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
You are correct. It is HIS
You are correct. It is HIS time. Habit to say ours. I know I have no rights what so ever. I am a glorified babysitter that gets zero pay and deals with all the shit that rolls down hill.
We do have documentation. Folders full.
HRNYC....come on girl, so she
HRNYC....come on girl, so she has to help be an effective helper for her husband but she cannot say its our time. That's a contradiction if I ever hears one.
Sometimes your logic cracks me up.
OMG I'm going to defend
OMG I'm going to defend HRNYC-
I don't think that is what HRNYC meant. HRNYC was pointing out that if the DH can *only* be a good parent with the OP's assistance, that the OP might want to think about how much effort she is putting in.
My stepson is 3 and I have
My stepson is 3 and I have been with hm since before he turned 1 years old. I call it OUR time and WE do things together. You are not a glorified babysitter. You use whatever kind of wording you want to describe your step-relationship because it is different for everyone.
It is very important to keep documenting and making sure you have proof that is not second or third hand information for court.
In the state of Michigan both
In the state of Michigan both parents have to consent to mental health care. DH will pay but BM called and told them he is not allowed to make any further appointments. Without her consent SD cannot be seen, period.
DH is not bartering. BM would rather fight with him to get her way rather than have the child be seen by the necessary doctors. BM would rather have her daughter be happy with her animals than do what is best and remove them for her health. BM thinks SHE knows what is best and GOD forbid DH wants SD to be seen to get help. DH has filed so much paperwork with the court when he goes they say, what now?
He is taking BM to court for therapy, then depanding on the outcome we are pondering going for full legal custody. We know it is a long shot.
We are in the UP
We are in the UP
Thank you! I will search for
Thank you! I will search for her!
DO you really have any
DO you really have any documented proof that this child has allergies? Any specific to the animals causing the issues? Or is some of this self diagnosed? How do you know beyond a doubt that the animals cause this child problems? How do you know exactly' what doctors SD needs'?
I'm not particularly asking, but you can be sure a court will want to see documentation that your DH is correct and has evidence that BM is causing health issues by refusing to get rid of an animal that is mandatory to the health of this child be rid of. You say SD shows up at your home in 'full blown allergy attack'. So are you indicating (since SD lives with BM 7 solid days in a row) that the child is in 'full blown allergy attack' the entire visit? The court will want proof of this. They will want to be shown evidence of how you know this and how the child manages to function in this state of distress for a full seven days. Do you have records of school absences on BM's time that shows SD is so sickly and can't attend school? Is she sent to school daily regardless and the school witnesses the child's distress. What I'm saying is you need more than 'kid arrives distresses on exchange and is fine by finish of time' and therefore its due to allergies and it is the animals causing it or it is ______ and ______ and solely due to BM's environment'.
Documented proof. What would
Documented proof. What would you like? Allergy testing done by the ENT. Allergic to dogs, cats, molds, the list is endless. School records of multiple absences due to sickness, allergies. Every trip to the doctor says it is allergy related. Multiple ear infections, breathing treatments.
We have an email from BM that states, gee, the issues didnt start until the dogs came here....really? You can't put two and two together?
She is exhausted when she arrives as she is up all night coughing and can't breathe. DH has been told by SDs teachers how bad it is during BMs week. How it affects her school work. They see the difference between weeks. They, SDs teachers, tell BM and she says she has a cold.
The ENT will not tell BM to get rid of the pets, as they are part of the family. I am sorry but kids come before pets, even a child that isnt mine.
I know it will be an uphill battle and I know we need more proof than just what we observe. We have been to the lawyer many times and we have been told to document and to do certain things.
I said *I* wasn't
I said *I* wasn't particularly asking but the courts would. Sounds as if DH does have the documented proof the animals are a health risk to SD. That may be your key to helping SD out on that issue...mandatory the animals go. It's not the full custody he'd like perhaps, but it likely is enough to get the animals removed. If BM uses and it goes on to contempt (by refusing to get rid of the declared cause of the health risk), it gives DH the beginning to build his case to obtain more primary residential custody if nothing else.
If you can prove the animals are indeed a health risk (it sounds like you can and have documented it well) BM can be ordered to remove the risk. Just like a neighbor with a vicious dog that is a welfare risk to biting/attacking people. DH's chances of making the animals court ordered proof are better than nothing and likely much easier to achieve. One step at a time. Go for what is possible. If the mandated animal gone relieves the daily distress Dh will have accomplished part of his goal of helping his daughter in a manner that solid in the eyes of the court. Baby steps that are winnable and with each small 'win', daily life for SD improves. That's the goal, right?
That is the goal. If the dogs
That is the goal. If the dogs can be removed that would be the first step.
"The child should get a flu
"The child should get a flu shot, especially if she has allergies/asthma she is at risk of severe complications if she gets the flu."
This is SO not true. The last thing I would give my sick child is a syringe full of toxins and heavy metals that will only make it worse. Nobody should have the flu shot. I don't care what any doctor says, because you will find doctors that say the complete opposite.
Thank you for this comment. I
Thank you for this comment. I can't tell you how many people feel DH is a moron because he doesn't believe in flu shots.
Legal custody, not sole
Legal custody, not sole physical
From what I have learned
From what I have learned about custody with my son and with hubby daughter ....you really need some deep proof to get full custody. Courts don't remove custody that easy.
Hubby got full custody a couple of months ago...but his ex stabbed someone, is homeless, was in rehab, gives zero CS. Is just an exceptional loser.
The BM in your life has a job, cares for her child (badly it sounds like), she is not in danger.
I think your chances are slim and you could spend a ton of money.
Hubby did not get a lawyer for his custody battle since we knew it was a slam dunk.
We have been told the same
We have been told the same and we know it will be a long shot, we are documenting and doing what we can. We also understand how hard BM will be on SD as well.
Even if DH can get sole legal custody and BM be gien less time, it would be a start. I do worry if we are doing the right thing. But I know my SD and I see first hand how she suffers under her mothers care, or lack thereof.
He isn't trading off. The
He isn't trading off. The allergist appointment was scheduled for January. she canceled, made appointment with ENT, which by the way has a child in the same class as SD and BM knows personally. BM knows what the ENT will say, told DH SHE will decide after the appointment with the ENT if SD should see the allergist, yet she already cancelled. DH called the ENT to request SD be seen by the OTHER ENT on staff, as we feel there is a major conflict of interest.
ENT appointment is next week. DH is attending. DH will speak to OTHER ENT to see if he is wrong in wanting SD to see the allergist.
DH also has papers ready to file with the court if BM says no to allergist.
I agree with you on him taking her anyway, however with our luck he will lose custody for one stupid thing! I am dumb founded at the court system and their lack of concern for any kids best interest.
UPDATE.... Well BM cancelled
UPDATE....
Well BM cancelled the appointment that was scheduled for the 30th, rescheduled for one on the 29th. BM texted DH on the 29th, 30 minutes ahead of rescheduled appointment letting him know. He works 1 hour away, has for years and BM knows this. DH told BM he did not give her his permission for SD to be seen without him present and to keep the original appointment. Doctors office said she rescheduled, they didn't.
BM took SD anyway and told DH that SHE would decide what is best for SD and SHE will not have a debate about it.
DH sees his lawyer tomorrow to file contempt charges as they have joint legal/physical custody.
DH is hoping to get her into the allergist now and try to get it court ordered.
BM also got yet another dog over the holiday break. That makes 3. In addition to other pets in an already filty house.