Another allergy question/moving with military issue
Hi. My name is Libbie and I am kinda new here. I've been here about a week. I have a similar issue as another poster (the allergy one) but my sd is 10 times worse with it. Let me start from the beginning. Dh is divorced for 10 years and sd is 14, his one and only child who he gets every other weekend. I have a bs who is 14 whose dad committed suicide after it was discovered he was molesting ds. He shot himself in front of ds. Ds has severe anxiety issues because of the hell he went through. Dh and I have been together 3 years and married for 2. 6 years ago ds was given a puppy by his therapist as an anxiety helper (she asked me first) to calm himself. He and this dog are attached at the hip. Ds has a hard time making friends and he is awkward so Bear is really his only friend. Ds once said he would never kill himself because he wouldn't want Bear to be lonely. Yes, we are back in therapy because he said that. I'm sure you can see where this is headed.......Sd has an allergy to pet dander and it is verified. They recommended (the first allergist) she take allergy meds but she doesn't like the side effects. Some give her itchy hives (I understand that) but others make her tired and have a dry mouth so she refuses to take them. She has also fake passed out in the street and was almost ran over by a car so no dr will say she should take allergy meds. No one wants to risk the lawsuit. We fought with her but due to her severe reactions to Bear and her fake passing out dh allows her to stay with his parents every other week for visitation and he goes there. We tried to do the allergy shot but no allergist will administer them because sd passes out when given a needle poke. I'm not kidding. Down she goes. Dh says she has done this since she was a young child. So that is our history of us.
Bm is remarried to a Military guy and they have 3 kids. I believe they are 7,5,and 2. I'm not sure. He was assigned new orders to Tx and bm is currently taking dh to court to take sd with her. Dh doesn't want sd to move. He has her every other weekend but he also attends all her activities. All of them all the time. His parents are supporting dh and helping him fight bm.
Dh had mediation on last Monday and the mediator seems to favor bm. She kept asking dh where would sd live, what about her allergies to the dog, what is more important to you the dog or your child. Sd can't live here without taking the allergy meds and she refuses, we fought that battle and lost miserably. We tried everything. Her dr won't even say she needs allergy meds since she fake passed out. He advises bm to keep her away from animals. Bm refuses to let her live with my inlaws if she stays. She says sd should live with a parent not grandparents and the mediator agreed with her. Dh feels his choices are to move out and live with sd or let sd go. His parents are pulling a huge guilt trip on him and it is causing all kinds of problems at home. They go to court in 2 weeks. Bear will not be rehomed, I believe my childs life depends it.
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He has been through so much
He has been through so much that I can't imagine taking Bear from him. I don't know how we are going to swing 2 places, I hope dh can stay with his parents till sd is older but they won't commit to anything yet.
Wow. Okay. That got my blood
Wow. Okay. That got my blood pressure up. I'm steaming right now!
What the hell is wrong with
What the hell is wrong with you?!! This isn't about sex and I would never tell dh he couldn't have his daughter. I made my decision and Bear stays.
I will also have to state,
I will also have to state, separate homes if SD stays. His parents really have no say in the matter. They can keep their noses out of it.
We would need dh and sd to
We would need dh and sd to live with them. In the last year dh and I both have lost our jobs and survived on savings. We both started working again but our salaries are lower and we have no cushion. We are both actively pursuing higher paying jobs but we took what we could for now.
That is what I think is the
That is what I think is the best case scenario. It will be up to dh and the courts.
We don't have a choice. She
We don't have a choice. She is suing him to take her. The courts will decide if she stays or goes. It is the same school county but sd will have to change schools as his parents neighborhood are listed in another school zone.
Ds sees a therapist and a dog
Ds sees a therapist and a dog dying is different than getting rid of him. Yes, Bear goes on vacation with us and we knew sd had an allergy so they didn't sleep over. He has her 4 days a month so it wasn't a big deal for him to stay home with her.
A-MEN! Let me tell you, you
A-MEN!
Let me tell you, you can NEVER think you're safe from getting stuck with that kid 100% of the time. NEVER.
I saw the light at the end of the tunnel..."hey, skid's going to be 18 in just a few short years, we're almost done with this hell!" and it turned out the light was the f***ing train about to run my a** over!
Let your DH move out.
I'd never force my child to give up their pet. I'd let him move out first.
This comment shakes me to my
This comment shakes me to my core. I was an EOWE stepmom, that turned into a full time, then to a 50/50 every other week. Can t get worse?!? Should I ignore any light at the end of the tunnel. #4moreyears
Where does SD want to live?
Where does SD want to live? I would think at her age the court will take her wishes into consideration. It really doesn't sound good for your DH if he doesn't have a clear plan to house her yet and court is only two weeks away.
She won't say what she wants
She won't say what she wants except she doesn't want to take the poison, that is what she calls allergy medicine. Did I mention she is dramatic?
No. She asked and I answered
No. She asked and I answered her question.
Oh lol. She is definitely
Oh lol. She is definitely dramatic.
That is her favorite saying!!
That is her favorite saying!! You just don't (sobs) understand what I am going through! (sobs!)
I would buy that and use it
I would buy that and use it at the mall.
What do you think his chances
What do you think his chances are if he says he will live with his parents but she has to change schools?
What is he supposed to say?
What is he supposed to say? I'm not rehoming bear. He wants to live at his parents for a bit and force her to take the allergy meds and then move back home. I don't think that will work tbh. She won't take them and then if something happens like she fake passes out in front of a bus and gets hurt bm will freak out!
Not to offend but it's
Not to offend but it's possible that she is resistant to taking the meds bc she doesn't want to live in your home. Staying those four days per month with the grandparents means she gets dad to herself and doesn't have to deal with his other family.
She refused and fake passed
She refused and fake passed out before we decided to do his visitation there. I don't know. Dh said she hated to take medicine as a child and would fight abd spit it out.
Unfortunately I have to agree
Unfortunately I have to agree with DownSouth. Unless you and your husband can provide an allergy-free home (in the form of separate housing for you and DH, because grandma and grandpa don't rate above Mom) the judge is likely to agree with BM. Sure allergy shots may allow SD to live in your home, but SD has an allergy-free home option and she doesn't WANT allergy pills/shots. Those pills/shots are not necessary for her so I can't see anyone forcing her to take them.
This sounds hopeless, sorry.
This sounds hopeless, sorry. I think the only advantage would be SD not having to change schools but since that's not the case I really don't see where the dad has a leg to stand on. He doesn't have an allergy free home waiting for her already, just a vague "we can probably live with my parents."
^^this is probably the best
^^this is probably the best advice you're going to get all day.
You are brilliant. I don't
You are brilliant. I don't know why we haven't done this. He can take her to dinner this weekend.
What works for your sons
What works for your sons anxiety?
The only way for your DH and
The only way for your DH and your Son to both "win" is to live seperately. If you can afford it I would suggest giving it a try since many posters here live separately or have temporarily lived seperately from their SOs just long enough for their skids to age out. It's not a death sentence to live apart. I know I absolutely wouldn't give up my son's therapy dog for a girl to visit EOWE but to force her to live with the dog full time is inconsiderate too. Let her go live with her mom if your DH cannot afford to live on his own or BM won't agree to letting her live with her grandparents.
For now, try not to worry too
For now, try not to worry too much. I doubt he's going to be able to win, as the others have said. Just be prepared that at some point you may have to choose between taking away your son's dog and telling your DH to find somewhere else to live with his daughter. I'd let him go, the kid CAN be medicated for the allergies but he won't do it. Nope. He can move.
I also hate taking medicine
I also hate taking medicine because I get a lot of side effects.General they put me to sleep, dry mouth, etc. So I only take allergy medicine when I have to. I will hate to be stab with a needle or be force to deal with the side effects because one person in my family is more important than me. (Which is how I think your sd sees it)
Your sd doesn't seem like a bad kid. A bit dramatic. But that's expected for most teens. Your son also seems a bit dramatic as well to be fair.
I personally believe that after 6 years the dog is family to your son and you. If you try to get rid of the dog now since its so old. It may be pts. I think the Bm suggestion of having your sd move with her is the best one in your situation. Everybody is happy except your dh. Your son will keep his dog and the sd will not be force to take medicine.
Ok. Thanks for calling me out
Ok. Thanks for calling me out on that, I type that without thinking. I apology libbie for my comment. Your son isn't a bit dramatic.
If bear is his only effective coping mechanism, you should do anything in your power to not let him be removed. So it is best for the sd to move with her mom and half siblings. On the plus side, if that happens you will not have to deal with her being dramatic.
I read enough.... Glad you
I read enough....
Glad you are taking a stand on not re homing Bear, I'm sorry but my animals comes before any human being...
SD is manipulating the whole situation, she's jealous of Bear, and she wants to be the drama queen, in this case I will investigate her whole life, surely some of her friends have animals.....and believe m if a judge have proof that she visits and over night at other places where there's animals BM's excuses will not count and DH does not need to move out.
I read that DH only has her 4 days a month, Hon changes of judge giving it to DH is zero - would've counted if it was 50/50....