Is it possible to forgive your partner...

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I'm curious whether anyone here is fully able to forgive, especially when situations continue etc.
We used to see skids EOW and only for 6 hours on Sunday. This was after BM PASed the kids and husband had to spend £5k taking her to court as she refused to let him see them.
Anyway, when they'd visit they would more often than not ignore me, not even a greeting and would then often be mean to our daughter from when she was 18months-3.5 years. Husband spoke to them about this twice in 2 years! and they claimed they had no problem with our dd (skids were 14&15 by this point). I lost faith in my husband as it felt he was more concerned with not upsetting his kids than being responsible and expecting them to treat our daughter more kindly. When our daughter was 3 she told me she never wanted to see her sisters again. My husband blamed this on me despite the fact I always spoke positively about them. I pointed out that even young kids know when people don't like them and are mean to them. I wanted him to be firm and not allow this behaviour. When he wouldn't deal with it I begged him to see his kids for slightly less time but out of our home. He refused despite me suffering from PTSD, stress (new baby), hormone imbalance and depression. He wouldn't change anything to help me.
Once we moved to another country I was very relieved to not have this situation anymore although I worry about the future. I've found it impossible so far to excuse my husband failing to protect our dd (and me) from their behaviour. What added to that feeling was 6 months after moving my husbands brother moved over and lived in our basement for 10 months. It was supposed to be short term and he paid about a third of what the rent should have been. My husband enabled his brothers crappy behaviour (brother was 40 and a step kid himself). His brother sat in our basement for 5 months not even looking for work and spending all his savings. He came onto our car insurance without paying a penny towards it and borrowed our second car a lot, occasionally remembering to put gas in. He often ignored me and his nephew and niece coming through our home (no separate entrance) and there were so many things that drive me crazy. After he'd been with us for 5 months I told my husband he had to leave as I'd had enough (he'd also come upstairs and take our laptop to use without asking). Husband refused to do it and said he couldn't as he had no job and nowhere to go but couldn't see how he'd enabled this behaviour. He saw how much it was affecting me but allowed him to stay for another 5 months. I disengaged from his brother and no longer see him. Hubby doesn't get this. I just feel as though he failed me again.
Is it possible to truly forgive and forget because my little voice inside is telling me he'll never listen to me if it's not something he wants to do? I still feel very resentful.
Thanks for listening!

I don't know, your husband

I don't know, your husband shows you quite a bit of disrespect and allows other people in his life to disrespect you, also. That is not okay.

My DH and agreed a long time ago to not let another adult live with us because it is hard on a relationship.
Years ago, we let his brother stay on our couch ONE night and when we left for work the next morning, he had to go. My DH knew that if we let it go two nights, three nights, etc., that he wouldn't leave.

My husband has always had my back when it came to his family, or anybody for that matter. If he didn't, I'm not sure how I would feel about him.

It's suppose to be a partnership and if your DH just does what he wants to do without any regard to your feelings, I can see why you'd be resentful.

double post

In the first part of your

In the first part of your post regarding stepkids, I get it. They should be courteous and greet you as they enter a room. You should greet them as they enter a room and leave. As an adult, you will naturally be expected to perhaps also ask specific leading questions. As an adult in a divorced/blended situation you will be expected to waste hours of time every week bonding. Your SO created them. However, your stepkids are the least of your problem and obviously take few-attention units.

Few 3 yr olds would present as your child apparently did especially since protective services were not called. That sounds more like PAS, jealousy, whatever on your part. Heck, lions kill the cubs when they take over a pride.

The section of your post with BIL adult who moved in and payed rent (although less than you'd like) and gave the impression of a leach. That is strictly between DH and BIL. Stay out of it although it's in your house. DH more than likely believes he is doing the best he can for his family. There probably should have been some written sublease which covered the reality of dirty skillets and rent. I can see why resentment would flare.

I am glad you have working ovaries. Apparently, DH was the best choice at the time. I hear the smack of BM-IN-THE-MAKIN' There is nothing to forgive or forget or get over. Maturity is a great leveler.

Your title asked me to think and reread your post twice because it spoke of infidelity and atrocious crimes. Maybe I was missing something than a wannabe BM. Nope.

I may be harsh.He had

I may be harsh.He had children BEFORE he met current SM and there was conflict. DH added OP/SM into the situation. Then he moved both of them to another country where children could not visit easily 3x/week. Hope DH is paying child support, but bet he is not. Then they chose to breed. Add the nonsense with BIL. Silliness

The ole "you knew he had kids

The ole "you knew he had kids before you married him" slam.

Yeah, guess I walked into

Yeah, guess I walked into that one. My foolishness apparently knows no bounds. Sorry.

Some people try to get a rise

Some people try to get a rise out of others for kicks. No purpose. Could this possibly be a SD?

This seems like a grouchy

This seems like a grouchy post... I'm sure you didn't mean to imply that whole - you knew what you were getting into... OP shouldn't have to give up having children of her own because her DH sucks at parenting his spawn with BM. DH should reign in his kids, IMHO, so IDK why you're attacking OP. The only thing I can contribute is that she should've stuck up for her little one earlier on.

I totally understand how you

I totally understand how you resent dh not protecting you and dd. I sense fear of repeat behavior. Maybe you can have a talk and come to an agreement that no adult should be allowed to move in. Hope your dh will see the importance of protecting your marriage.

As far as the rude skids, bm most likely pas'ing them out. Your dh is afraid of pushing on them for fear they will not like him and won't want to see him. My dh was in the same boat and I found the more he allowed skids to be nasty to me, the more nasty they became. Sorry, I really wish I had some good advise on this one but I don't. I do wish you luck and send you a big hug.

I like my privacy and will not allow any adult to move in with us and take that away. For me this is one battle I personally would die for and I would tell dh that very thing. My dh once mentioned that someday osd & her family may need to move in with us. Let me mention that they are slobs in their own home and are slobs in my home when they visit. I flat out told him we would get divorced if they did. My dh was surprised by my statement but was very understanding.

And why are so many men like

And why are so many men like that?

My husband lives and sleeps with ME. He loves ME and wants to spend the rest of his life with ME. You can believe that he wants me to be happy and he puts me and our relationship first.

Firstly thanks to everyone

Firstly thanks to everyone who read and commented. I don't know about you guys but the more I think about something the more confused I become and can no longer try and be objective.
Let me give a little more info and try to answer some q's. I missed out the first few years on my post as I felt it wasn't as relevant. When I met dh his girls were 5&6. They adored me and I loved and cared about them. I had no bio kids at this stage. The oldest wrote something for school and said she had 2 moms and 2 dads. The youngest told me I was her second mom. I didn't try to be a mom, I just loved and cared for them. The BMW cheated on my husband when the youngest was 6 months and left him for this man who she is still with and has 2 kids with now.
Anyway we all got on really well (youngest had some behavioural issues) and there was some Disney dad parenting such as they still slept in his bed etc. It was after BM realized how attached they were to me (they never wanted to return home as their main attachment was to dad) that the PAS began. We have the report from CAFCASS stating that she did this from years later!
So the decline began and eventually they hated me and began the well we're not visiting if I was there etc. this was the time dh was great and stood up for me.
Eventually she stopped him seeing them altogether even though eldest still wanted to visit (I was now pregnant after 4 years together) so he had to pay a lot to take her to court. With visitation established again the kids finally both visited again but were unpleasant to me and were very jealous to our bd. once visitation was re established this was when dh began to put them first and not correct them over their attitudes. I can understand of course that he didn't want to lose them but equally he was teaching them that disrespect and rudeness to me was ok and so was being mean to our bd.
their relationship deteriorated too and when bd was 2 we had bs. The skids would often plan sleepovers or other stuff for their dads time with them.
All my mental health problems began after bs. One of these was situational depression due to his kids. I saw a counsellor and explained that I would often go out for some of their visit but I would leave my birth kids so if I was the problem with them interacting with them then I was gone and they could build a relationship with them. Bd was 3 by now and my presence had nothing to do with how they behaved mainly to bd as bs was only 1.this was the point my bd told me she didn't want to see them anymore. I had always been very positive about them to her as I want her to make her own mind up. So yes I resent the implication from the person who suggested I was PASing her. The counsellor told me I was doing a great job and the best I could under the circumstances. I have a clear conscience.
Anyway thanks to the continuing PAS from BM my husbands relationship deteriorated with them. It was at this point he decided that be wanted to make the move he'd been dreaming about. We'd read about PAS and realized it was not going to resolve itself. We left and since then they barely replied to emails from dh and he has not heard from them in a year. As regards to child support my husband used to not only pay, he also paid for their swimming, dancing, private dance lessons, dance competitions, costumes, and lots of small stuff that BM had told the kids he would pay for such as birthday presents when they'd been invited to parties, BM had accepted then rang dh tell him he had to take them or they'd miss out. Then she'd send them with no present or card.
Since we moved dh has not given her a penny to spend on herself (kids would wear the cheapest and dirtiest stuff) but is puts money away each month here and will send them a large cheque on their 18th birthdays and they can put it towards college, car etc.
My husband was a wonderful dad to them mostly.
It feels like he has destroyed my trust in him though. Someone said I was the person he isn't scared of. I think you're right and that makes it easier to understand so thank you!
I must admit that this has all been very hard and I'm hoping for a peaceful life soon!!!

As for the person who

As for the person who suggested I was a bm in the making???!
:jawdrop:
I could never damage my kids like my skids have been damaged. I'm a nice person who couldn't compete with a nasty crazy BM who couldn't accept her kids loved other people.

As for the person who

Skids have not contacted

Skids have not contacted their brother and sister in 2.5 years.

Okay donemybest. You need to

Okay donemybest. You need to ignore indigo post because that was just weird. Remember anyone can post on here. You take what sounds reasonable and disregard the rest.

I dont see how I could forgive without an apology or acknowledgment from the person taking advantage of me. It seems in your case forgiveness is beside the point. Your DH has shown you the asshole he is and will continue to be. The issue is when and if you set your boundaries and if you're willing to walk away from this bad deal.

Your dh probably is not emotionally evolved enough to love anyone other than himself. Your situation seems so bad, worse than any Ive put up with. Ive walked away from much better situations.

This is so bad to me its beyond the point of forgiveness. Its really about how you can build the confidence and strength to leave. I'd focus your energy and emotion on being able to leave. Quit analyzing your DH his kids his waste of space brother. They're losers and your surrounded by them.

I doubt any of them will change. And whoever had that signature line about before you diagnose yourself with low self esteem or depression, make sure you're not just surrounding yourself with assholes....thats the most helpful piece of wisdom Ive read in a long time.

Good luck.

Beaccountable is right in my

Beaccountable is right in my opinion. Your DH does not want your forgiveness, nor does he need it - because he knows he can continue being a jerk to you without any consequences at all. It is HIM, not the skids. You can live without them in your life. The first thing to do is create a savings account for you and your children. Put as much as you can into it so you have a 'disaster relief fund'. Then you need to set limits for DH and back them up, not back down. Many times when a man is faced with the financial consequence of paying child support and possible alimony they suddenly see the light. You have to do this for your kids. Not only do they need to feel protected by their father, they should not be witnessing the disrespect to their mother.

Thanks ladies, we emigrated

Thanks ladies, we emigrated to where my dh spent 10 years growing up (or maybe not!!) and his dad, stepmom, sister and grandparents all live here although admittedly not close by. I have made lots of new friends and having been here for 2 years now enjoy some parts but not others. I knew if we didn't leave the UK when we did then dh and I would have divorced. I decided to emigrate and really concentrate on our relationship without having the skids involved. For the first 8 months we were really getting back on track right up until his brother moved in. His brother lived with his mom and stepdad until he moved in with us. He used to pay £50 a week to them for board, food, bills, laundry sorted done and ironed by mom, room cleaned, sheets on bed washed and ironed... So yes he uses people for his own gain. He is also racist, sexist and speaks negatively all the time. He also liked to talk about himself a lot.
Husband changed when he moved in and it was like having 2 teenage boys around. Even when he finally moved out dh has never go e back to who he was. Unfortunately his brother lives 5 mins drive away and he sees him far more now than he ever did in the UK. When he moved out I told dh I was not enabling him anymore by lending him our second car. I made this extremely clear then we went away for a week and dh tried to hide the car key so his brother could have our car for the week which I was furious about.
As regards to leaving him I feel very alone here and don't yet have a deep friendship to talk about this with anyone here. My best friend in the UK has no phone and had not been on fb for 2 months.
I'm a stay at home mom right now. I can't go straight back to work as my qualification isn't accepted over here. I would have to decide whether to stay here so kids could see their dad or take them back to the UK. My dh has mentioned if we were to split up then he would stay here. I just can't mess my kids up like that. I've seen what it can do to them.
Also school ages are different here so daughter would be behind going back.
I just talk myself in circles then hope his brother leaves this country!

I used to be such a strong

I used to be such a strong person. I'm not sure what happened.
Also I'm not sure now I could cope mentally by myself. I worry about that a lot.

I think you could. Cope, I

I think you could. Cope, I mean.

After being with someone for awhile, I think we forget how strong and independent we can be, but if it was in you before, it can be again. If need be.

I would say I forgive him but

I would say I forgive him but his family's behavior really cooled the newly wed passion and decreased closeness I felt toward him. When someone doesn't stick up for me, I usually walk away from them. That's a very important thing to me. I couldn't walk away (or wouldn't) but it changed how I felt.

The tragedy about step family dynamics is that it starts from the beginning, when you're in the honey moon stage and building the foundation for your marriage. Instead of my focus being on my DH and our child it was turned outward to his jealous family who I could do no right for. Had he just become indignant (even privately) once, it would have made a huge difference. I never would have tolerated anyone doing that to him.

So, for me I forgave but it cooled the passion, respect and love I had. They are still there, I have a wonderful man otherwise, but it's never come back to where it was before his family started chipping away at us. Of course, this would happen compared to the beginning of marriage anyway, but his family definitely escalated and accelerated the process.

Forgiveness ... I suppose

Forgiveness ... I suppose that depends on the infraction and the behavior following the initial issue.

So far from what you shared, nope, DH has not earned forgiveness. Forgiveness requires consistent action on the part of the person who must earn forgiveness.

IMHO of course.

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Is it possible to forgive your partner...