Happens all the time. Children grow and learn about loyalty and divorce and get conflicted about their own parents. With Mommy pushing them towards hate its easier to go along. Don't take it personally and when they're visiting let them have Daddy and stay out of their interactions.

As for the adults if they're from countries with deep seated traditions about marriage lasting forever you'll always be seen as the transgressor. Especially Catholic dominated countries. Personally I think if you're happy where you are I would refused to go back.

In my case the answer is no, they don't come around. My SO's kids are now in their mid-twenties. They have been seriously PASd their entire lives. We had hoped that when they moved out on their own away from BM, things might change. They haven't. The skids have no interest in their father. SS hasn't spoken to him in years and wants no contact with him. SD will see him if HE takes the initiative and calls her. Otherwise, he doesn't hear from her for months at a time.

Culture can make a difference. In my SO's case, his ex's culture and heritage was the ONLY one - his kids learned her native language (not his) and her family took priority. So naturally when they divorced the kids didn't feel any connection to my SO's family or his culture. They could care less - it's as though they were IVF babies and had no father.

It has broken his heart. Sure, I try to keep him hopeful and say they may change someday. And they might. But I think it's like expecting a tiger to change its stripes - won't happen because the very foundation (skin) is not something that can be changed.

In our case, the BM was a master at alienating the skids from their father and the entire side of his family. She indoctrinated them to think that their paternal side of the family, that culture and history, didn't matter. And so it doesn't.

My SD23 has learned some truths about her mother. For example, she now knows that her mother is a lying, cheating, whore.

She needs her (lives with her) so it's not like she's going to do or say anything to her mother about the lies she's been told all of her life, but she doesn't hate her dad and they talk often.

"Has anyone had this (SDs now nearly 16 & 17) and found as they grew up everything came about?" No. I met SD when she was 14 or 15. Before DH and I got married, we got along pretty well. The night before we got married SD pulled a 'snit' because I asked her 'nicely' to pick up bedclothes off of the floor. It's been war ever since. She became more rude, spiteful and nasty with every year that went by. She will be 40 years old in a couple of months. I have read a few posts that SDs have improved as they matured, but most don't.

Yes, it is probably perceived as your fault because their father now lives in another country. Believe me - if you had chosen not to move to another country you STILL would have received the blame for all sorts of things but you would have been in closer proximity to them. Maybe you should consider yourself lucky. Your OSD sounds dangerous to me.

It certainly can come around but it takes partnership between the spouses in the blended family marriage and a unassailable commitment to making the marriage the priority above any children regardless of the biology of those children.

And facts. You can't forget the facts. The SKids must have the facts and truth of the entire situation including BMs vitriolic bullshit. The facts should be presented to the Skids in an age appropriate manner as early in their lives as is reasonable. No quarter can be given to the opposition. If BM is a lying manipulative toxic harpy then those facts must be presented to the Skids.

This worked well with my SS-22 and preparing him to protect himself from his useless toothless moron POS Sperm Clan. Now that he is an adult he is well prepared and armed to counter the toxic bullshit that the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool still tries to manipulate him with.

So, synch with your DH, give the SDs the facts of their toxic womb donors behaviors and focus on the health of your own children, marriage and family. The skids will get it and deal with it or they won't. Either way you win because you and your DH have made your marriage your priority.

Good luck.

Her truth becomes their truth...until they learn what real truth is....

I hate to say it but my PASed out skids are not currently close with either parent. I hope that eventually, they will realize. It seemed like they've both had moments of clarity but it really hasn't changed much. I think they've gotten used to NOT fitting their dad into their lives.