fiance's daughter

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I love my fiance and his daughter. She is 6 years old, and he has full custody of her because her mother is not fit to parent. I have three daughters of my own (10, 8, and 5), and I have 50/50 custody but most nights they sleep at their dad's house because he threatens me when I say I want to switch them to the school district I live in. So for the time being, they stay there on school nights and spend a few evenings and the weekends with me. I live 30 minutes away from his home.
My situation is this, my fiance wants me to be a full-time mother to his daughter. We are not "officially" engaged yet, but a turn of events and financial issues caused us to get a home that we can afford together, and it was a complete fixer-upper. But his daughter takes priority over anything i need to do. For example, she was sick and home from school and he got very mad at me because I said I had to take care of work (I work from home) and get my kids off the bus at their dads house, and therefore I could not stay home with his daughter so he could go to work. At the end of the argument, I gave in and told my kids father that I could not get them and he would have to, and I did not get my work done that I needed to. He also decided that he was too worried about his kid being sick, and brought her into our bed, which is too small for three people (barely big enough for two), rather than him sleeping in the extra bed in his daughters room. I ended up getting literally pushed out of my bed after having the covers pulled off of me half of the night. So I went to my daughter's bed. Two nights in a row he insisted she sleep in our bed. My back is hurting and I have to sanitize my pillow and bed sheets because she was sick and contagious. But he gives his daughter priority in every situation. When i do have my kids, he gets very angry if I dont pick up his daughter from her after school child care, but I just want some time with my own kids. I spend every day with his. And my children's father did not let me take them to my house for two days because boyfriend's daughter is sick. I understand that he wants a mother for his kid, but I am not ready to do that if it is going to keep me from my children and work. His daughter's bedroom was finished remodeling (the house was not livable until it was remodeled), an entire month and a half before my kid's room was, because "she has to live here all the time" and my kids don't. Her bed was completely set up while my kids slept on mattresses on the floor. He yelled at me because I stopped for dollar menu burgers for my kids when we were running errands for a few hours one day, because I was wasting money we dont have, but then he spent $10 for a pink hair extension clip thing that his kid got in school. He said "your kids have a father to get them those types of things, if I dont get my kid this then nobody will." My children do not get these "luxuries" from their father, but regardless, I get child support and cannot spend $8 on cheeseburgers for them without it being an issue.
I am supposed to share the responsibility of his daughter, getting her fed, ready for school, taken places and picked up, and care for her when she is sick, but he never offers the same for my children, because they have a father and his kid doesnt have a mother (she does, but he does not trust her to care for her often).
I feel like a selfish jerk, but I am starting to resent his kid, because it feels as if he expects me to take the place of her mom and forget my kids, just because their father is involved in their life. I cannot afford to move out, and have no place else to go, but I so badly just want to be with my kids again on a daily basis. Or just take them somewhere alone and spend time with them, without being told I am a jerk for excluding his daughter. My kids say that I have a replacement daughter, because I am with her 24/7, and they are becoming cold to me because of it. I dont know how to handle the situation, but I dont want to be a stepmother when we arent even officially engaged. And he wants me to prove that I will be a good stepmother to his kid before committing to an engagement. I am not sure how to handle the situation. I feel kinda stuck.

Your situation sounds so much

Your situation sounds so much like me! I too have 3 children with shared custody with their father, living with my bf and his daughter that he has full custody of because her mother passed away. You should PM me! I bet just venting to eachother will be awesome!

Why would you feel like a

Why would you feel like a selfish jerk when your fiancé is a raging asshole? Re-read your post and please tell us why you are with this POS asshole.

He controls you, abuses you, intimidates you, expects you to pay for he and his spawn.... need I go on?

There is no equity in your partnership with this bully POS. He does nothing and expects you to do what needs done with his daughter and makes excuses about doing anything for your kids.

Move on.

It isn't my fiance that

It isn't my fiance that threatens me, it is my children's father because I moved out instead of him leaving when we split,so he threatens to sue for full custody, and he can afford a good lawyer to win the case...but he also was horrible to me and would say and do anything to hurt me, so I don't doubt he would find a way to keep me from my kids, so I have not fought to change their schools at his demand, because they are established in that district. He was abusive to me, and when I left he lied and trashed me to my entire family (parents, sisters, etc) and none of them saw through him, so they won't hesitate to help him care for the kids, but they won't help me in any way, shape, or form. My ex husband took everything except for my own clothes, and he had demanded I stay home and not work for a decade, so I have been struggling to survive since I left, trying to make a living and keep a roof over my head, with no work real history. I do work from home selling on eBay, but that makes my income a fraction of what my ex husbands was, and I have not been able to afford an attorney (or find a pro bono one) to get the divorce and get some of the assets back. So he is providing a stable environment for my kids, but I cry every day because I miss them all the time. I spend much of the child support money on gas to get them during the weekday evenings, but its only once or twice during the week that I can.

My fiance makes equal income to me, and we share the bills. He is sweet to me, and I love him deeply. I understand that his kid sees me as a mother, and that makes it even harder. I love her too, but do step kids ever feel the same as your own? Or even enough that I don't resent her being with me more often than my own? Am I being selfish in feeling that way?

With what your doing

With what your doing now...living in a home that's not completely livable, doing what ever your fiance says reguarding his daughter, not doing for your daughters, your ex will win that custody battle. Hey, I was a SAHM for years myself, when I divorced my ex I had to get a shitty job at a gas station and go to school. It was a hard two years but I did it and so can you. Saying I don't have much work history is a crutch you need to stop using.
That child does not need you as a mom, you are not her mom. Your children need you as a mom and they need to come first with you, just as your BF's daughter is coming first with him. Stop letting this 6 year old and her nasty father pull you away from your daughters.

The home is a rent-to-own

The home is a rent-to-own that we signed on together, and spent four months remodeling. It is down to one room that still needs done, the master bedroom. We are sleeping on the futon couch in the living room (which was my bed at my old house) until we have a room to move the bed from his old house up.
I had to take an incomplete the last semester I took and did not get to finish the term because I could not afford to pay the bills. Financial aid had to use my well-off ex husbands income as long as I am technically married, and it did not cover any more than the cost of tuition. So with working, school, and kids, I was behind on all of it.
You are absolutely right, that is how I feel, that my kids need a mom a lot more than my bf's kid. I need a financial miracle at this point. Bad part is, if I could find a lawyer, I could live comfortably for a year off of the assets I was told I am entitled to in the divorce. But my credit is completely shot to crap because he refused to pay the joint debts accrued if they were in my name, even though he kept the stuff purchased with them. He tried having me arrested for entering "his" home to get stuff out, changed all of the locks, closed our joint bank account without my knowledge, had my phone shut off even though I paid for my line, took my car keys... Now my car is on the verge of being repossessed because he had all of the banking information changed so I cannot even pay the car loan. He told me he would let it get reposessed if I dont get it put solely in my name, but because of the crap he put me through with everything last year I cannot get a loan at all. Kinda feel at rock bottom.

Jesus H Christ.... OK, first,

Jesus H Christ....

OK, first, find out if your state is a "single party consent" state for recording phone calls, and get your bastard exH on tape threatening you. You need leverage there.

Second, find a counselor (church, through insurance, ANYTHING) and find out why the hell you keep picking controlling abusive assholes. (Or get the book "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men", author is Lundy Bancroft.)

Third, connect with YOUR family. Mom, Dad, siblings - hell, a favorite aunt! Find people who belong to YOU and stay in touch with them. You will feel more grounded, and you will have a safety net knowing there are people who will help you.

You are NOT a selfish jerk - that title belongs to your boyfriend. Do not marry this man. You may not be emotionally ready to leave yet, but please know that you can do SO MUCH BETTER than this. You CAN. No, don't shake your head at me. You. CAN.

Also, I am still trying to

Also, I am still trying to catch up on the bills I had when I lived alone after leaving my husband. I was evicted and had utilities cut off when boyfriend and I moved in together. I have thought a lot about moving out, but I'm still trying to get back on my feet, and do not have money for an apartment. Because I was still married, I did not qualify for most assistance. So even if I could get the security deposit and first months rent I would need to backpay utility bills before they would connect service.
And again, my fiance treats me very well, when it is just the two of us.. It's just his attitude about his child that causes most tension. I have known him since I was a kid and have always known him to be one of the nicest and greatest guys I had ever met. We were friends for nearly 25 years. He seems to care a lot about my kids, just puts his in priority above all else. I cannot really blame him for wanting the best for his kid, everyone feels that way about their own. I just cannot seem to explain to him why it upsets me, without a huge argument.

my fiance treats me very

my fiance treats me very well, when it is just the two of us.. It's just his attitude about his child that causes most tension

It will never be the two of you only, and his daughter demands will only get bigger as she gets older. Get out now while you still can.

@ allyskoo, my family is the

@ allyskoo, my family is the ones helping my ex. My parents, sisters, etc. And his. I called my pastor and begged for help when I was being abused by my ex and the pastor did nothing to help. He took my ex out for wings and chatted with him. That was all. I left with my kids once because my ex said he wasn't sure if he was going to hurt someone. He never hurt the kids, just me.
@tommar, I still have the kids four days a week, but not overnight except on weekends. I take them home at bedtime on school night's. He paid support when I lived at my last home, but we agreed on an amount that was less than the courts would have ordered because he would not have been able to keep the house if I went after him for full spousal and child support. I just want my kids to have stability, and right now he is providing them that, more than I am financially capable of. I was working towards my degree when I left. I have since stopped going to school so I could earn an income, and could not afford to continue.

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine that sort of betrayal from your own family. Is there NO ONE in your family still on "your" side? Not a single person?

I honestly don't know what might help. Call the local domestic abuse shelter - they can probably put you in touch with someone who CAN help, and they can probably give you a lot more advice (and possibly resources) than we can. Sometimes they can even put you in touch with a lawyer who'll work pro bono to get you through the divorce and custody arrangements.

Please know that you are SO STRONG for getting this far. You got out of that abusive relationship with your ex. Now get out of this one. You can do it!

My family does not believe in

My family does not believe in divorce (religious reasons), and my ex gave all of them (my family is tight knit) the sob story about how he wanted to change and be a better husband and wanted me back. When I refused to go back, my family "counseled" him through his painful experience and disregarded the facts that he was admittedly abusive for a decade. They all seemed convinced that a narcissist can be cured with love and stop being the way they are. I took classes to become a certified marital counselor, under the pathetic naive assumption that I could fix my marriage. They refused to have any involvement with me when I realized that my ex would drag out the divorce as long as possible and drain every drop of life out of me, and I started seeing my now fiance. He had been in a similar situation with his drug addicted ex, and raising kids alone, and we helped each other through it, as friends at first and it progressed from there. It wasn't until he and I moved to our home and my kids were around less that we started having problems.

Thank you all for confirming

Thank you all for confirming that I am not imagining things. I could not figure it out if I am afraid of being in a bad relationship and therefore fabricating problems to avoid getting in too deep, or if I really have problems and need to move on. I have applied to ten different jobs this week, so keeping fingers crossed for a call back.

Her mother sees her as often

Her mother sees her as often as she wants to see her... One afternoon during the week, and one night on the weekend. She lives ten minutes down the road and could easily care for her any time and get her off to school occasionally. But the mother gets high from the time she wakes up til the time she goes to bed. She shows up to drop off her kid, and she is talking slow, eyes all red and glossy, every time. And she also cheated on my SO when they were together, with her first cousin, whom she moved in with when they broke up. He told her she couldn't see their daughter anymore when she took her on a drug deal out of town. He does not trust her because she smokes (both cigarettes and weed) when his daughter is there, and drives stoned. He is justified in that one. He has set the rules for her seeing their daughter and she has seemingly followed them. But he still limits her time there.

Her mother sees her as often

When I got into a

When I got into a relationship with a man with kids I had no idea what was in store for me even thoygh BM has primary custody.

I have learnt a few things:

1. Never be with a man with full custody
2. Preferably find a man with no kids (almost impossible)
3. Put BM in her place from day 1.
4. Three strikes from him/BM/skids and I'm out.

I'm confused. Are you

I'm confused. Are you actually divorced or not? Because you keep saying you can't afford an attorney for a divorce but keep referring to your children's father as your ex-husband. And you can't have a fiance if you're still currently married to someone else, so please stop calling him that.

Before you met and started living with your current BF, where did you go when you first moved out and how did you get the money for a place?

Something's not adding up

Something's not adding up here.

As far as I can make out reading from your posts, it sounds like you are still married. So how is it that your STBX (soon to be ex) is paying CS? Is he just doing that because it's the right thing to do? And who decided on the current visitation schedule?

It sounds like your STBX makes pretty good money, since you say he can "afford a good attorney", you were a SAHM and apparently with just his income was able to afford the car payments for your car.

How much CS does he pay you? If his income is as good as it sounds, you should be able to live off of the CS for a while. I know folks on here don't like BM that basically live off of CS, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

I know it's real easy to Monday morning quarterback you, but you made a lot of mistakes. It sounds like your STBX knew you were going to leave him and closed the credit card and bank accounts so you couldn't have access to them. You also left the home, which isn't a bad thing, but if I read it correctly, you did NOT take the children with you when you left? MAJOR mistake and yes, STBX could use that to get custody of the kids.

Divorce 101
Save up money BEFORE leaving.
Get an education/job BEFORE leaving.
Get all important papers BEFORE leaving.
Record any instances of abuse with pictures and police reports, if possible.

Now you're in a worse situation, with a man that expects you to dump your kids to take care of his. You are also financially dependent on others.

You need to start reading and posting on some divorce forums. I don't know HOW if you've been a SAHM and are now getting CS, why you are not also getting temporary alimony as well. Both would have been ordered at the same time. That is, if it was ordered through a temporary court order. At any rate, you need to see if you could somehow live off of the CS for right now.

And you need to start applying for jobs, even with no work history, there are entry level jobs you can still get, retail, telemarketing, file clerk, receptionist. Office jobs are the best because their hours line up with school hours so you'd be able to spend time with your children in the evenings. And if you explain you've been a SAHM and are going through a divorce and need to support yourself, someone might give you a chance.

I was in a similar situation. Even though I did work, I still didn't have money to pay for a divorce attorney. My credit was shot to hell, I couldn't even get a 22% credit card with a $200 limit. I had no family or friends that could help me. Know how I paid for my divorce? I used STUDENT LOANS.

Even with the worst credit in the world, you can STILL get a student loan if you're in school, which it sounds like you are.

No divorce attorney is going to go pro bono, but what you can do, is next semester, take out a student loan, and pay for a divorce attorney!

Your kids and your job are

Your kids and your job are more important than some kid that isn't yours. Just sayin'.

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