Lawsuit from BM is Ruining our Wedding Plans
I am currently engaged to a wonderful man (12 years my senior), who is completely open, transparent and honest with me. Above all that, he takes me into consideration for all decisions that involve SS6 and SS4.
I have only nice things to say about SS6 and SS4, as they are very sweet with me, and I am finding this SM role better than I expected. I was friends with BF for 2 years prior to dating, and was actively in skids lives - babysitter, outings with friends, birthdays...
6 months to go until our wedding. He just received a legal document from BM, saying that he owes 19000$ from 2 years ago. This is something that was legally decided in court, but it completely unjust to my fiancé (I even thought so when we were friends). She left my fiancé for another man while SS4 was 9 months old, and she is milking my fiancé for every penny that he has. He does not have the 19000$, and he has tried to communicate with her his financial situation, but she doesn’t care, she just wants her money.
I am trying to be there him, but I feel like this completely has put a wrench in our wedding plans, and our future. I don’t want to enter into a marriage with law suits pending, and with a big debt. Moreover, getting married would increase his child alimony payments, and when we have children of our own, we will have to go through the legal situation, declare our child, and see how much he needs to pay to support our child vs SS6 and SS4. I am not emotionally strong enough if he will have to pay less for our child than skids (I work 100% and BM only 50%).
I am now doubting going ahead with this. He is the love of my life, he treats me like a queen, I am so lucky to have found such a kind soul as him, but I don’t know if I am strong enough to deal with all this. What do you think? Would you leave? Would you stick by him?
he's 12 years older than you
he's 12 years older than you and his children are very young. assuming he's, say, 40, that makes you 28.
that's an awfully young age to be saddled with huge financial burdens.
many divorce "agreement" are unfair in terms of division of assets. but regardless, teh court ordered it, and for him to have dodged paying her this $19K for two years is crap. to be honest, im surprised she waited that long to file on him. when my fiance divorced he paid the money he owed to his ex within a week.
If the money is court
If the money is court ordered, he needs to pay it. Why would you want to be with a man who does not support his children? It doesn't matter if you think it "fair" or not. The courts found it fair, and ruled he must pay it.
If the issue of $19,000 is enough to make you not want to marry this dude, you are pretty shallow.
The $19K is a done deal.
The $19K is a done deal. Rather than try to reason with the blended family opposition which in most cases is incapable of reason he just needs to start making installments on the $19K. $100/wk ... something but he does need to establish that he is taking responsibility and making progress in paying it off. Were I in the situation your FDH is in I would not pay the $19K in total either even if I had it. I would drag it out as long as possible without invoking penalties in order to give myself leverage regarding my X's level of reasonableness in working with me regarding our shared spawn. I suggest that FDH consult legal counsel in order to understand how he can best address the payment of the $19K in order to exert leverage over the cheating skank whore of an XW. No more speaking with his XW about it. She has no need to know. Work with the attorney and leverage the payback as much as possible.
Why do you believe that getting married would increase his CS payments? It won't or at the very least is so unlikely as to be a nonexistent risk if you are in the US. Spousal income in a blended family situation is in the overwhelming majority of cases cannot be considered for CS purposes. As for your FDH's contribution to supporting the children you may have within a marriage .... get used to them being second class citizens. Prior relationship spawn get priority of resources. The only income that will not be taken from the support of your children is your income. Kids you may have with your FDH will not have the complete benefit of his income until his prior relationship spawn age out from under the support order.
That said, $19K is not that big of a situation. It can be paid off at $100/wk in less than 4 years. Pay some here, pay some there, clearly note what it is for, hold it back when XW is being unreasonable and catch it up when it suits you best. Just keep socking the $100/wk away, do not use it for anything else, and clear the debt when it serves your side's best interests.
All IMHO of course.
Good luck and congratulations on your pending nuptials.
This is not about withholding
This is not about withholding the kid from dad. This about a court awarded sum that the dad owes. Apparently the $19K is some form of court awarded divorce settlement. Dad is apparently paying his monthly CS and alimony obligation but does not have the $19K on hand to clear that liability.
The dad takes exception to this as it is apparently some sort of surprise. When dealing with the courts I deal with the ruling and any financial obligation I may have as an outcome in a way that best advantages me without violating the law or the Judge’s order. If I can make token payments and preserve my assets for as long as possible while in compliance then that is what I do.
The best example I have is taxes on the purchase of a newly constructed property. The mortgage company estimates the tax liability for that property for the year and sets an element of the PITI payment as tax escrow. Invariably the mortgage company is lazy and just sets the escrow at last year’s tax rate on unimproved ground. At the end of the year the mortgage company gets all bowed up because they have to pay the taxes on the property from an escrow account that does not contain enough money to cover the taxes. They are liable for paying those taxes on time. The first time I experienced this when I received a notice from the mortgage company that my payment was being increased to cover the tax shortfall I called my lawyer and told him I had no intention of paying for the mortgage companies mistake and as far as I was concerned the bank would be paying my property taxes for the next 30 years since the papers clearly indicated that the taxes would be paid from escrow by the bank based on the tax estimate they had made. My lawyer informed me that I would have to pay for the tax shortfall but that I could pay it over 2 years without any penalty or interest.
That is when I came up with the tactic of leveraging my debt to the mortgage company for the tax shortfall to get released from paying tax escrow and MIP for property that I did not have adequate equity in to qualify for no escrow and no MIP.
This is what I do. I inform the mortgage company that I will make installments on the tax deficiency over the next two years and include a letter from my attorney indicating the statute that allows me to repay the escrow shortfall over two years without penalty or interest. They don’t like it but they have no choice but to tolerate it. At that point I make them an offer. I will pay the tax deficiency in full if the mortgage company releases me from escrow and MIP and I will assume direct responsibility for payment of my proper tax burden. When presented with the choice of receiving the money over two years interest free or taking it now and giving me direct payment responsibility for my property taxes the bank takes the cash. My mortgage payment actually goes down since no escrow is included, I pay my taxes directly to the state. I keep my money in my accounts earning return until property taxes are due at the end of the year rather than the mortgage company earning return on my escrow account.
I win.
In this case since the XW was in an adulterous relationship I see no reason why the DH should not extend his payment of the $19K for as long as possible rather than cause more strain on him financially and paying the $19K on the BM/XW’s desired schedule. He pays his CS on time so he is living up to his support responsibility for his kids. Beyond that why should he make things easy on his adulterous XW?
To take this a step further if I were the DH in this situation I would make the absolute lowest token payment I could make on the $19K to the adulterous XW and stay out of trouble with the courts. During a particularly trying period for the XW when a few $thousand would be important to her I would offer to pay her a few $thousand in cash upon delivery of a legal document clearing me of the entire balance on the $19K liability. If she refused, token payments ............. When I had extended the payment of the $19K as long as possible I would cut a check for the remainder just before the courts got involved. He keeps his money earning return on it for as long as possible.
He wins.
When my XW left me for her geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar daddy I used similar tactics to maximize my return on the divorce process. We owned a home together and that asset ended up paying for much of my engineering program as I kept her on the hook with that house for more than 4 years post divorce. She moved out of the marital home, the divorce decree ruled that all property was to be divided “as possessed”. Since she moved out I possessed the house. Grandpa Sugar/Baby Daddy ended up sending me money quite regularly over my XW's complete lack of understanding knowledge of our divorce decree. She never read it. Though the home remained in both of our names since I possessed at the time of the divorce … it was mine. She wanted it. When I left the state for engineering school I let her live in it paying all costs and paying me rent. Then she decided she wanted to sell it.
I got half. She blew a gasket. Grandpa Sugar/Baby daddy wrote me a big check.
Adulterous X partners of no character should not be catered too even when the courts issue a ruling. Comply with the ruling but in the way that most advantages you and disadvantages the adulterous X.
Try it. It is a lot of fun!!!!!!
I know nothing of Swiss law.
I know nothing of Swiss law. I am not a lawyer. That is why I employ lawyers. The DH in this thread should definately contact his attorney and map out his tactics for dealing with the $19K.
I missed the history element where this $19K is a long term known issue. I was under the impression that it was the result of a recent law suit. The analogy was just to demonstrate the tactic and not intended to be legal advice.
That is what attorneys are for.
That behavior would make me
That behavior would make me think he isn't over his exwife. He's using the money using the money he owes her as a sick way to control and hang onto his true love.
That could be. But .... it
That could be. But .... it may be that DH does not have the $19K and/or is struggling with having to compensate an adulterous XW in any way. Court ordered or not.
That would be my particular issues in all of this if I was the DH in this situation.
Okay. I got it. Regardless
Okay. I got it. Regardless of history it is what it currently is. The path forward is important.
Will the FDH pay it in full immediately or not? Will the Fiance stay in the game or not? Will the FDH play his financial cards to his advantage or not?
Tune in next week to find out.................
With the length of this thread I think we are in for an extended run of episodes.
Best regards,
Hi, FDH does pay all his
Hi, FDH does pay all his child support. This court order came out of nowhere, and she is trying to collect money from 2 years ago (but the court order is new - its not that he has been ignoring his legal responsibilities).
We would have never started planning had we known that his past wasnt completely sorted out. It was brought to his attention 3 weeks ago.
it sounds like she filed a
it sounds like she filed a "Motion to Compel" which is what one does when something is not done per the court order.
so yes, the MOtion she filed is "new" but the money owed is "old".
So what it sounds like is BM
So what it sounds like is BM won a request for back child support from the time of spilt to the time of divorce settlement. I suppose a natural question would be why your SO wasn't paying child support during this time frame (if he did pay during that time than the courts have decided it was not the proper amount and this is a correction to what should have been being paid). I get he's been paying child support since the divorce settlement in a timely and regular manner. What I don't understand is why he/you feel it is 'unjust' to expect him to pay his obligation to supporting his children in between spilt and settlement. I mean, hey, the kids were still his children. Their needs didn't get put up on a shelf on hold waiting during the separation and final divorce settlement.
The guy owes the 19,000. It's not unjust nor is the BM being unreasonable about pursuing the arrears. You either marry the man or not, entirely up to you. But don't blame the children or BM for going after what the court has awarded them. These children will be the partial responsibility of this man until they hit age. They don't poof and the support responsibility go away just because you came along, want to have a wedding and perhaps produce additional children with this man. It's just not the way it works.
" I am not emotionally strong enough if he will have to pay less for our child than skids "
Perhaps a man without previous children would more suit what you're looking for. New obligations do not erase previous obligations.
There will be tons of issues
There will be tons of issues related to how you and your children are treated, in addition to financially, compared to how the skids and ex wife are treated.
The children who adore you now as a fun babysitter will instantly hate you when you become dad's wife. Even though it was ex wife who cheated, the narrative will quickly turn into "he ran off with our babysitter." BM will tell everybody that and skids will believe it.
To be married to a man with previous children you have to be "emotionally strong enough" to stand by his side while he is being vilified by ex-wife, ex-laws, ex and/or current friends, and even his own children. You will get vilified yourself. You will have to be emotionally strong enough to hold your tongue till it bleeds in many, many situations. You will have to be strong enough to find a way to keep your love for him alive while you see him make crazy mistakes like let his kids walk all over him or break his back bending it backward to appease BM. You will have to be emotionally mature enough to listen to him explain why he thinks these are good ideas and sometimes even see his point.
I have no idea if you can take all that or if you think he is worth it. But this is what steplife is like under the BEST of circumstances.
Ok a couple of things, like
Ok a couple of things, like others have said he owes 19,000 you cant get out of that. Its court ordered, its been stamped, sealed, delivered, hes just not paid it until now.
He needs to pay that money and you need to have an honest think about whether YOU want to be paying towards and paying off HIS debt that is owed to HIS ex wife. When you are in a relationship with someone that you intend to marry you work as a partnership, that being said anything owed before your relationship began is not your responsibility. Now, if he can afford to continue paying the same amount on household bills that he is now AND start paying back for this 19k then great. If he cant then you shouldnt be planning a wedding.
As Rags has pointed out when it comes to big settlements you are able to pay in installments, no one is expecting anyone to have 19k sat in their bank account, but ofcourse if they do then they need to pay it in one lump sum.
I had a similar situation with my ex, we had a house together, I'd put in 12k when our relationship ended I left the property for him and all I wanted was my 12k. I gave him some time to figure out how he would pay it back but he couldnt provide me with the information I needed (how much and over what time scale) so I went to a solicitor, sent him solicitors letters and advised him if I hadnt had the full sum by a certain date I would take him to court. In my situation he was then able to take out a loan and paid me back in full. Now had I learnt of any big expenses, like a wedding, in those early weeks I gave him then you can damn right bet Id be seeking my money alot sooner.
It is not unreasonable for you to expect your future husband to get his finances sorted out before you marry but I would also advise you seeing your own legal advice and getting yourself protected by a prenup. If this 19k is owed and you marry and combine finances then YOU become liable for his debt.
Im not sure on the rules in switzerland, but if you keep your finances seperate and have a prenup in place then your income shouldnt be counted towards child support, if it is then that is something that you need to weigh up, is marrying this man and having these consequences worth it?
And again, the courts wont care whether he has a child with you, two children or more with you, at the end of the day the court will expect him to financially provide for all children he has fathered, if he cannot afford to keep up with his child support for his existing children the courts will see it as he shouldnt be having more children. In the eyes of the courts it really is that simple