can marriage/relationship survive when disengaging skids?
Hi, I'm at my wits end. Been with my partner 3 years now and have a 9 month old daughter. Our relationship has its uos and downs but recently it's been pretty tough with SD5 and SS7. My partner and I know both know she is sabotaging my relationship with the skids who we see EOw for 2 nights.
The skids don't talk to me, acknowledge me and treat me like I'm invisible. I have approached BM about ut and she denied it even after skids confirmed to my partner that they are tild to ignore me. Her reason beingvthe kids are none of my business. Fair enough they are not my kids but when they are in our house I expect to be respected atvthe very least. They will play with my daughter but scurry away if I want to be near my daughter. They wont even sit next to me.
Anyway, wont go into much details but this past visit I decided I couldnt be bothered so I spent mostbofbthe weekend away with my daughter. But when I was home I completely ignored the skids and for once it felt good to not be the smiling invisible clown who gets ignored. I also now get annoyed when they play with my daughter because why would I want my daughter to be close tonkids who are being influenced to hate me? Of course it's tough to separate them in the same house but my stomach churns each time my partner refers to my daughter's brother and sister. He also treats my daughter like she's just there to amuse his kids...SD5 will dangle toys in front of my daughter and snatch them away each time she can reavh for them so she ends up crwaling around like a little puppy after a bone it can never have.
After skids had left my partner was angry that I wasn't talking to his kids andbthat id stopped trying. He juat came down hard on me but I just cant stand losing my self respect to a pair of spoilt skids and their hateful mother. It's causing a lot if strain between us. How do people successfully disengage from skids without ruining the marriage/relationship.
Please excuse typos, using my phone to type!:-) 
AGREE!!
AGREE!!
He does his best to make the
He does his best to make the kids respond, ssy hello or insist on them asking me for stuff which he knows I can help with. Sometimes they will comply, other times they eould rather cry than say thank you when their dad adks them to.
I'm just so tired of being around kids who have to be prompted all the time. Seeing them each fortnight its like we have never met- I literally start all over again each timr I see them. Like most SMs I used to do so kuch for them- cook, clean, buy gifts. ..olay games etc but now id ratger just concentrate on my daughter but hubby thinks I should keep trying.
he knows BM has everything to do with the kids awkward and rude behavior but he is ever so nice to her almost tovthebpoint of nit believinh she could ever turn the kids against me.Shes very nice to my hubby so on the surface she looks innocent but I know that's not the case.
Whats to stop you from being
Whats to stop you from being frank with your hubby about how you feel when they treat you the way they do and how he needs to step up and intervene more on your behalf? Him just "expecting" you to keep trying whilst not expecting his kids not to troubles me. And I would also be explaining to him how concerned you feel about BM acting all nice when PAS is coming from her. By continuing to be nice to her means he is siding with her whilst allowing disrespectful behavior to continue to be encouraged in such YOUNG children...imagine when they turn into teenagers...your life is only going to get worse if you dont nip it in the bud.
Dad needs to understand that
Dad needs to understand that the kids are under an impossible burden. They are too young to have to choose how to act. He needs to remove that burden from them. "Kids -- at mom's house, you do as your mother asks. At Dad's house, DAD IS IN CHARGE." He has to make them respect him so they know it's out of their hands now.
He should also call bm on her bluff. "Exwife, I know you want to be proud of our kids' behavior and sorry to say this weekend they have embarrassed us both by forgetting their manners. I have told them punishment xyz and since I know you've told me again and again that you have nothing to do with them behaving like this at our house I know you will want to support me in this and enforcement punishment xyz at your house, too. Kids, your mom and I agree."
It will either force bm to comply or she will agree with dad in front of the kids then tell them later it won't be true. Either way you win at least a bit because in the second scenario the kids will notice she's a liar or may even blurt out in front of dad "but mom you said we didn't have to!"
i only engaged her that one
i only engaged her that one time because i knew he was too scared to approach ehr after the kids confirmed the bad things BM says about me.
I told her her kids came off as rude and awkward which i didn't think was fair on them. i told her that all I wanted was for the kids and everyone eles to be comfortable during visitation. Her response was very long winded - she denied it all then went into a rant about how she was left for some horrible bitch and even gave me her number and invitation to meet up.
My response to her was very polite but to the point - basically that i will not tolerate being disrespected and that my baby should not learn bad manners from the older kids. I told her I wasn't interested in the 'break up' and didn't indulge her in saying negative rthings about my partner.
I think that really pissed her off and next time my partner picked up the kids she had a go at him because i had called her on her bad behaviour through the kids. She's stepped it up another notch since that time.
Over the next few days we will have that talk because for now I've cancelled all future holidays that include skids - i can't think of anything worse.
Yeah, I know this feeling. I
Yeah, I know this feeling. I got two idiots who procreated (DH and Skankula) and now I have to try to raise this fubared kid up to where I'm not going to require bail money in the future? Nope.
Thank you, I needed to 'hear'
Thank you, I needed to 'hear' this. I think BM is very calculating and knows things could get to this stage and we could easily break up over the kids issue.
You are very lucky to have such an insightful man!
ignoring young kids is very
ignoring young kids is very uncomfortable for me but what can I do? And yes, you're right BM is screwing these kids over big time.
Unless BM wants him back I really don't see why you would make his new partner be worth more than your children's long term social skills, personality and manners. I have never expressed interest in wanting to take BMs place but that's not good enough for her.
So, I'm new here and it's
So, I'm new here and it's this post that got me to register...
I have two skids, SS, 7, and SD, 5. I have disengaged from them due to manipulation from BM and current MIL. DH is not happy about my disengagement. It's a daily struggle with us when his kids are here, which is half the time.
I have no advice to give, but it is nice to know I'm not alone in my struggles.
I have a 12 year old step
I have a 12 year old step daughter that I don't talk to except very basics. I don't engage her in any way above co-habitant. It pisses my husband off alright and it does put a strain on our relationship BUT it has forced him to deal with her instead of it being deflated to me because I am a mother myself so why shouldn't that extend to his disrespectful, rude almost feral offspring from a previous relationship? I am not yet past not talking to her, so is cannot give you a yes or no answer. But I can tell you it is liberating it is perspective changing and sometimes you need to disengage to gain perspective. For me it has allowed me to put the monkey on my husbands back so to speak. I don't have to muddle over my relationship with his kid in my mind at night I can concentrate on my two amazing kids and that is sweet and priceless. Can my own marriage survive it? Probably because he is starting to accept how much work she actually is instead of pawning her bullshit off on me and distract me from what's important in my life. I hope you find the liberation I have found in disengaging my step daughter. And I hope your situations improves to whatever end you wish!
If your marriage or SO
If your marriage or SO relationship as it may be is not an equity partnership it will not survive the long haul whether you disengage or not.
The commonality of successful long term blended family relationships is that the partners both prioritize their relationship above all else including the kids regardless of the biology of the children involved. Kids are definitely the primary responsibility but the marriage/adult relationship at the center of the blended family must be the primary and only priority for both partners above all else. Both partners must be equity partners not only in their relationship, but also in life, and they must be equity parents to any children in the home. If your SO will not parent his children effectively and attacks you when you disengage due to his ineptitude as a parent then you do not have a relationship worth continuing
If it is not an equity partnership as I have described, don’t waste your time. Get yourself and your baby away from that toxic mix that is led by your SO.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
Thanks everyone for your
Thanks everyone for your comments.
My partner likes to avoid 'difficult' situations and skirts around the topic. I wrote him a letter (usually best way to get his attention with matters he avoids). He read it and said he agreed with most of the content and some we should discuss. That discussion still hasn't happened.
Skids came over this past weekend and I decided to 'try' one more time. Friday night I made potato cakes and sausages and SS7 ate his little guts out but SD5 as usual pulled out her little tricks and this time it was ' the meat(a freakin lamb sausage) is hurting my mouth and cried through most of dinner! Just getting to eat is a big mission because each kid wants to sit next to their dad but not near me.
Next night was lasagne night and SD5 made it clear she only likes what her mum cooks. I go to church Sunday mornings(usually on weekends skids are over) and take my time coming back home and hubby insists he wants me home as much as possible so skids can bond with our daughter who is 10 months old. Why would I want her to bond with such hateful, disrespectful kids?Their latest is wanting to come into bed with us on Sat or Sun morning but refusing to be next to me in the bed so I told hubby I don't want to see his kids in our bed anymore.
He admits his kids are difficult. I made it a point this past weekend to engage them so he could see that they ignore me or as usual treat me like I'm invisible. I have told them I don't want my crwaling baby in their room because of the many small bits and toys she could choke on(the room is filthy the whole visit). So I've insisted they close their bedroom door so she doesn't come in so SD5 resorts to 'playing' with my daughter enticing her to crawl over to the bedroom door and when she gets there she has the door slammed in her face.
I now feel so much better about disengaging, no questions about it.