How should I handle my stepchild?
I have a 12 year old about to be 13 in a few months stepdaughter. I have been in her life and her mom's for 3 years now. I am 23. Her mom and I are not married but I still consider her my daughter because I take care of her a lot more than her mom because her mom works longer hours than I do. I buy her the necessities that she needs, help her with her homework, take her to school, make sure she is well fed and handle school issues if mom can't. The problem that I am having is that the 12 year old is becoming disrespectful towards me. I know she is a preteen about to be teenager and there is so much going on there but she does not disrespect other adults. In fact she is very loving and well behaved. She will give a little attitude rarely to her mom but she knows better and will apologize. She also happens to give me attitude and/or be disrespectful to me when mom is not home. One time she told me she wanted to get out of my car and walk home because she didn't want to be in the same car with me because I didn't let her buy 3 separate notebooks. I explained to her that she would save money and get more paper if she bought the one notebook that had more paper and came with 3 subjects. This morning I asked her to clean her room before I drop her of at school. I checked her room before we left and It looked as if she did nothing so I asked her to do it again and she did. I explained to her that she basically lied to me without having to lie and said its clean. On the way to school I asked her why she was giving me attitude and she said because I am getting on her nerves. I explained to her that I do a lot for her and I don't ask much from her but when I do ask her to do something I expect her to do it. I want to have a great relationship with her before it is too late or I can't take more disrespect. I always tell her mom and her mom talks to her daughter about respect but now her mom is telling me that I need to handle it and be the enforcer. Any advice?
stop parenting her. that's
stop parenting her. that's her mother's job, not yours.
also, as she ages she is becoming more a member of your peer group. 10 years is not much of an age difference. she is probably struggling with seeing you as an authority figure. you and her are nearly teh same age difference as me and my fiance.
How do I stop parenting her?
How do I stop parenting her? Do I stop correcting her behavior or enforcing the rules/structure? Any suggestions? I know its a small gap in age difference which is why she respects other people more because they are older of course than me.
The small gap in your ages
The small gap in your ages isn't something you can change & it IS something that will continue to be an issue. She sees you as a peer (equal) rather than any sort of authority figure.
How do you stop parenting her? Stop telling her to clean her room. Stop taking her out to buy school supplies. She doesn't want to be in the car with you because you didn't buy her what she wanted? Don't take her anywhere.
She's soon-to-be 13 years old. She can fix her own meals.
Mom has to step up & parent her daughter. It isn't fair for her to expect someone else to do it for her. Mom needs to find a way to deal with school issues, take her daughter to buy school supplies & see that she cleans her room. Mom can cart her daughter around & deal with her baby-fits when she doesn't get her way.
Honestly, being that close in age is going to make things much more difficult between you & this girl.
Imagine a co-worker with the same job description & the same pay as you is telling you what to do on a daily basis & correcting your behavior & acting like they have some kind of authority because your boss has decided he doesn't want to be the boss. That's the type of situation your girlfriend is creating between you & her daughter.
driving her to school - not
driving her to school - not your responsibility
spending money on her - not your responsibility.
helping her with homework - not your responsibility
feeding her meals - not your responsibility
those are all things that her mother and father should be doing. if the father is out of hte picture, then her mother needs to do them.
if you actually truly WANT to parent this child, it will ONLY work if the mother supports it. she must back you up. but i get the sense that the kid has figured out that you are the only one setting the rules and enforcing them. why should she listen when her mother doesnt give a damn?
honestly, you are 23. find someone without a child...you have so much living to do still. you are too young to take on teen parenting for a child that isnt yours - and doesnt want to be yours.
Her mom is her parent & needs
Her mom is her parent & needs to act like it.
She needs to be the one making sure her daughter is cleaning her room. She needs to be the one handling her daughter's disrespect & to be the enforcer.
I mean no disrespect to you, but there are only 10-years between you & this child. That borders on a peer age gap rather than a parent/parental figure age-gap.
It sounds like her mother is trying to make you be the parent, & while it sounds like you're happy & willing to do what you can, if mom isn't going to step up & make things clear with what's expected from her daughter & follow through, it isn't going to happen.
I'm not saying you should allow her to disrespect you. Certainly take that up, as that is what self-respecting people do. We teach others how to treat us. But if mom isn't willing to be the enforcer, you're in for a tough road ahead.
Being a teenager is not an excuse to mistreat people or disrespect people. It's an explanation for moods & such, but should never be used to excuse ill behavior. When moods step in, we need to practice self-control.
I can tell you, her teenage moods are just beginning. It's vital that her mom address what's expected of her & it's vital that her mom be the one to see things through. This is not the time for her to hand the reins over to you.
I am a female. I understand
I am a female. I understand where you said my relationship is with the mom but then I get the guilt trip of they are "a packaged deal" so if I have a relationship with the mom I have to step up and be a parent to her daughter. I don't mind but I feel unappreciated. I was hoping to get feedback to see maybe im doing something wrong in parenting maybe? The father doesn't want to be in the childs life and I am in no way trying to replace father or mother. I am just trying to make up for her father's lack of involvement.
What's your goal with this
What's your goal with this kid?
You're not trying to replace father or mother, yet you're trying to 'make up' for father's lack of involvement? I think you need to find clarity on this.
IMHO, the only 'mistakes' in parenting are a lack of consistency. If you and your partner have rules and consequences for behaviour for the SD, then it should be very clear what happens when. If you don't, now there's something to work on.
I suggest you take some time to think very carefully about this. You want to make sure you are not set up as an 'equal' to the kid, reporting to the mom and only the mom enforces consequences. But you are NOT the parent, you don't make sure the kid does chores or homework or handle bad reports from school. Why create conflict? Let the mom deal with that, it's her responsibility.
What you need to be able to do is to handle positive and negative behaviour from SD yourself. And that's where house rules help, where personal boundaries help, where consistency helps, and where being very, very clear about your role with SD is. Don't try to be the parent, it's not your job. That doesn't mean you're nothing, or that you're reduced to an equal. It just means that the conflicts and challenges in a parent-child relationship aren't your battles to fight with this girl.
the fact that you are female
the fact that you are female is probably even worse than if you were a male.
the stepmother/stepdaughter relationship is hands down the worst of all step relationships as a general rule.
I think the "package deal"
I think the "package deal" idea applies more in understanding that when a child is involved, they need attention & time from the parent.
Many stepparents struggle with the idea of having their stepchildren in their home, eating their food, invading their space & wanting time with their parent. Some people don't like having to share their partner with kids that exist from a previous relationship.
The fact is you are not a parent to her daughter. The daughter has parents. Involved or not, they are her parents. No one can make up for her father being absent. The fact is that she has a semi-active mother, an absent father & a peer who is being pushed to be an authority figure. It may be that her disrespect toward you is coming from frustration that you are more available to her than her mother is. Her father has bowed out of the picture leaving a greater parental need & now her mother is backing down & trying to push the responsibility onto you. She's a teenager. She needs her mother & it has to be hurtful to her to be pawned off on someone else.
Stepparents can be parental figures, but with the few years between you & her daughter, playing the role of a parental figure is going to be really hard to pull off, & the only way it can possibly work is for mom to be very serious about parenting.
I get what your saying echo
I get what your saying echo but dur to this kids mother working longer hours an her dad isnt available who is surpose to pick this kids up from school, help with homework etc. its not as easy as just saying dont do a thing. I know as when hubby was working long hours it was me left to look after his kids an it was hard. If the bio mum has to work which these days most people do an this child still needs to be taken care off what does she do? Does the kids get put into child care something most likely bio cant afford. Maybe a better solution would be if the bio child has a grandparent to watch her. Its not as easy as just saying dont do a thing as shes not your child. Ive been the only one to wash, clean etc as my hubby was the one making money. You really need to sit down with each other an work out what needs to be done good luck
this kid is nearly 13. more
this kid is nearly 13. more than old enough to wake themselves up with an alarm, wait at the bus stop alone, and fix somethign simple to eat if her mom isnt around. this isnt a toddler we're talking about.
Im sorry but if i was you i
Im sorry but if i was you i would run as fast as i can it only gets worst as they get older especially if the other bio parent is involved. My sds used to be so sweet but as bio keept them from us filling their heads with shit, emotionally abused them they are now the most horid kids you will meet. Me an hubby have been together for over 12 years an the last 4 of them have been the worst of my life. They have even gone so far to tell anyone who will listen that me an my kids should just die. My hubby an me have raised my kids an are very close so they are jealous. They say their bio is horrid to us an then go back to bio an tell her we did this an that. They have been playing us all against each other an making my life, my hubbys life an my kids life a living hell. The 2 older ones have moved out to live with bf an they still like to ring an make hubbys life hell as they know he is in deep depression so they can play him. They even still try to pretend they have done nothing wrong to me an try to talk to me but try as they may im not having a thing to do with them an they are never welcome in my house again thats that. If i knew what i know now i would never have got involved with hubby i would have told him to go back to bio an sort it out an ive told hubby this. I was a little older than you and to start it was good we had all 6 kids every 2 weeks, they were wonderful an great kids then bio decided she was leaving town an taking sds with her, hubby fought it but didnt make any difference. When hubby tried ringing bio would not allow him to speak to them an bio told the kids the youngest was 3 at the time that dad hated them an it was my fault. She filled their heads with hate for me an we didnt hear from them for at least 5 years. After that bio started having trouble with their behaviour i think due to the way she treated an lied to them an all of a sudden we were able to see them again. You have no idea how bad these kids are messed up one at 17 is preg an one at 16 is in trouble with police nearly every day. The youngest is good atm but as she lives with bio i will give her time. Im hoping she sees what happened an doesnt make the same mistakes. Hubby health has gone so badly down hill that now he is suicidal but that still doesnt stop the sds ringing an stressing him out even further. I can honestly say i know its hard an i hope your sd doesnt turn out like mine an i also know you love your partner but really think about if its worth it cause i know my sds have turned me into a bitter person. Im going through anziety and stress everyday due to this an also watching my hubbys health waste away. You need to walk away early if you think that you cant handle her behaviour now cause trust me it only gets worst an life becomes a hard thing
I do have stress from this
I do have stress from this and it even makes me not want to do anything for the little girl as bad as it sounds but I wouldn't do that. I am getting fed up as much as I love her mom. I also work for a group home with teenagers who have emotional and behavioral problems so I deal with a lot of attitude at work already and disrespect. I dread at times when she comes home from school because I get more attitude! Her mom is very active in her life and they have great open conversations and now Im realizing that I need to take a step back and not try to become a parent. I am sorry you and your husband have to endure that and I hope that everything in the end will work out.
I'll step outside the box, I
I'll step outside the box, I don't think the age difference is the difficulty. In my view, 12 year olds don't see 23 year olds as peers but as distant adults. When I met my SD she was 12 and had a regular babysitter who was 18. SD has defiance problems with everyone but even she didn't seem to see the 18 year old babysitter as a "peer" but just another grownup.
I will answer your original question, lovelyyou143, about parenting methods instead of advising you to break up or disengage. Studies show kids thrive under "authoritative" parenting styles not permissive styles nor "authoriTARIAN." The example you gave about the notebooks I would not have spent much if any time explaining to her or convincing her why my plan was best. I might have spent some time asking her why she wanted three---perhaps she didn't want to drag around a big notebook to all classes when she could downsize to one slimmer volume at a time to each period or some other sensible thing. But if I honestly couldn't afford the three notebooks or had my own good reasons, I would have ended up by telling her she could pay for her extra notebooks if she wanted, this is what I was willing to buy her. End of discussion. I might cajole her a bit, if fitting, asking her about her paycheck or diamond mines, humor is a good way to diffuse tension. But in no way would I feel I had to justify myself to her or gain her approval.
Maintain your status as an authority figure. Use a Scary Lady Voice when you have to. Keep her in awe of you a bit. Also be warm and kind and affectionate, but when you mean business, she should have no trouble seeing that you Mean Business.
As for Mom, if mom cannot support you fully, your whole relationship is doomed anyway. Tell mom you are willing to help with the raising but only if she herself makes the girl afraid for Mom to find out girl has been dissing lovelyyou. Bottom line: behave in a way that kid respects you as an AUTHORITY and Mom behaves in a way that girl knows for damn sure that things will be much worse for her if Mom has to step in to defend Lovely.
If Mom is not willing to go this route, everybody above advising you to break up is spot on.
Thank you so much. I
Thank you so much. I appreciated what you had to say.