^^^^^^

That money is for your BD. I bet your xwife would be rolling over in her grave to see the likes of the money for HER daughter going out the window to "make things fair" for your step son. I totally could see how this makes huge problems and jealously, but it's not for your step son! Yikes what a tough situation to be in!! I also ask, how old are the both of the kids?

oops double post

I feel for your situation and you sound like a very compassionate person. I think there's some good advice here and agree that you need to make the decisions for your daughter that feel right, maybe depending on the children's ages there can be an honest and age appropriate discussion with them about the way things are?
I also think it's a good idea to save some of the things that SS could never have like say a car, for your daughter to have when she moves out. That money could also be invested somewhere safe for her future if that's an option at all, a nice sum of money or asset would be a great thing to have at the beginning of her life. Since you are trying to be a cohesive blended family, it doesn't seem right for one child to have fancy things that the other one simply can't have, to be honest.

Of course your daughter should go on the offered school outings/trips . Those are a part of the child's educational process (education comes in many forms). There's nothing for the SS to feel jealous or excluded over...his school doesn't offer the same agenda. If his did, it would be up to his mother and is birth father to decide to allow is trip/outing and whether or not they could afford it.

Your wife is just going to have to get over her sense that her son should have everything equal to what your daughter does/has. The school, the trips, the gifts from her maternal grandparents are all 'gifts' from her mother and her mother's side of the family. To deny your daughter her mother's wishes for the girl just because your wife (the DW's son's father) can not afford or provide the same things.

Look at it this way. When your wife married you four years ago, neither you nor she ever dreamed that 3yrs later your daughter's mother would pass on. Your wife knew what the mother's lifestyle abilities were verses what DW would ever be able to provide and do for her own son. DDW didn't have a problem with it then. SO why the heck should she now?

Of course all this is not to say you yourself can not or should not (if you desire to) help put some of your own personal money (not one dime of your daughter's money) into a birthday or Christmas present if wife can't herself afford much. But that your decision, your private money you earn from your own income. Or if you and wife desire to take a 'family' vacation with DW and the kids with your joint income being used. Or if she can afford to take her son a weekend trip with her own money. You can help your DW with her son using your own income, many stepfather and stepmothers do, but it's optional. Not an obligation. Technically, you owe your DW's son nothing except for the pleasant home and food and a bed that you already provide. That's all you'd be providing if your daughter's mother were still living and that's all you owe her child now. Your daughter 'owes' your wife's son absolutely nothing, nor she miss out on the things her mother set up for her to have.

If your wife wants her son to have more than she is now able to afford, I suggest she take on a second employment or perhaps advance her skills to advance in the career she currently has.

If your wife is so concerned about the money you can always point out the fact that she, your DD's SM, isn't having to help pay for your DD. Maybe she will zip it for a minute. Your late wife could have left nothing to help support her daughter and your current wife would have even less money. Let her chew on that if she is so concerned about your DD having been left money. When your wife brings it up you should have her go give her son a hug and remind her your daughter will never have that. Then ask her if she thinks a field trip makes up for it.

I am very sorry you are having to deal with this. Greed is the route of all evil and sadly some people just loose their minds to jealousy over money. You see it most when people die.

Your wife wants things in your household to be equal between the children, now whilst in a "normal" situation that is admirable, the scenario you find yourself in is not normal. Your daughter has lost her mother, and you find yourself obligated to defend your ex-wives wishes and the money left to/for your daughter.

You need to be having a sit down with your wife and having a heart to heart over this. The money is solely for your daughter, there is no leeway for using that money for your step son or even for you as her father. So what is your wife suggesting? You could always point out that you could stop using any of the money, keep it in the trust for when your daughter is old enough to be going to college and being responsible for her own money BUT that would mean the bill for her current lifestyle falls on you and your wife.
It is unfair to pull her out of school when she is already dealing with upheaval (particularly when you CAN afford it thanks to the trust money) so what does your wife see as a solution?

Take my situation for example, I was an only child, I moved and lived with my dad, step mom and her 4 kids, so there were 5 children in that house. Since my dad and step mom were funding 5 children (only my BM paid CS) we were only allowed to go on educational trips (no shopping trips, no ski-ing) and even then, there were times I was only able to go on trips because my BM paid. Did it cause issues between me and my step kids? Sometimes, kids get jealous of one another, thats what they do. Doesnt matter whether its over school trips, shiny shoes, new toys or one child getting a better grade than the other. It happens.

Now for your wife I could see the justification for saying, ok only educational trips as that gives you the ability to explain things in a more equal manner to your step kid(s) but should they ask there shouldnt be a problem in your telling them your daughter gets to go because her mum left her money to be able to do so.

By all means engage your wife in discussion over how best to move forward and handle finances but do not give way. That money is for your daughter and your daughter only. You need to act in HER best interest until the day comes that she can take responsibility for it herself. I dont see anything wrong with using it for school costs, school trips and putting the rest aside for her college funds. That way the day to day expenses of the family are equal, its not like your taking her shopping and spending 1000s on her and nothing on the other kids.

This is an absolute non issue IMHO. Even in long term initial family’s kids rarely have equality in all gifts and opportunities. The elder kids usually do not have all of the opportunities that younger kids have because most couples increase earnings and success with time. In the case of my younger brothers and I their experiences at equivalent ages were far more plush than mine. Mom, dad and I lived in a small travel trailer when I was a young child. We lived on $85/mo plus housing allowances and married benefits from my dad's USMC salary. He and mom married when they were 17 and 19 and had me when they were 19 & 21. After the USMC they went to university and graduated when I was 4yo. My next eldest brother was born 2 years later when there were two college graduate incomes. Brother number 2 was born 4 years later. Each of my successively younger brothers had progressively more privileged young childhoods. Shit happens. Life is not fair. Gifts are not equal and neither are opportunities among children in the same families. As we got older things got better for our family economics with time. The car I received as a gift from mom and dad was not nearly as nice as my brother’s first car 6 years later, etc, etc, etc…. It never bothered me a bit. I understood that shit changes with time. However I do give my little brother shit about being spoiled. That is the absolute privilege of the eldest. }:) Even at 50yo I still like giving my baby brother (44) shit. Not that Mr. Very Successful Fortune 500 VP has anything to feel bad about. I am proud of him. But I still love giving him crap. We are, allways have been, and always will be best friends. Mom and dad would tolerate nothing less.

Your BioDaughter has opportunities provided by her mother and your marital resources are not used to pay for those opportunities. Your bride is way off base on this IMHO. Your XW's estate is what provides the private school and related opportunities for your BD. That is reality.

So, no. Your SS does not get equality of trips because his mother is not wealthy like your XW and the blended family resources do not allow it.

Though it should never be spent on anything but your BD the trust money does benefit your DW, SD and the rest of the family because the family finances are not consumed by your BioDaughter. The Trust covers her costs so equitable and fair or not, your DW and her spawn do benefit from your XW’s fiscal responsibility and the trust she established for your daughter.

None issue. DW needs to pull her head out of her ass and get over the whole panties in a wad thing over your daughter having opportunities that her son doesn’t.

I was widowed and remarried a man with 2 kids. We've gone thru this on occasion.

My DH pays a lot in CS for his 2 kids. I receive social security for my 2, and because of the job my first DH held prior to his death, it's more than my now-DH pays in CS. I work, bringing in probably 65% or more of the household income. DH's exwife doesn't work, never has.

There have been times DH complained that I could give my kids more than he could give his. I get that, however, because BM didn't work, DH was basically supporting 2 households, plus was expected to pay a lot of extras for his kids. Of course, kids had no clue what all DH was paying for, they only knew almost everything came from their mom, and seemingly very little came from their dad.

Not a lot was different, in fact I think I was more conservative with my kids. But I was saving the majority of their social security for college/post-high school graduation plans. However, I think it was interesting that nobody wanted to bring up the fact that DH's parents were sending each of the SK's $200-300 per month because they felt sorry for them. At Christmas, of course DH's parents would give SS's additional money (usually about $500 each) "on the sly". I won't even get into the dynamics of STILL HAVING THE PRESENCE OF BOTH PARENTS IN THEIR LIVES, because unless one has lived it, they truly wouldn't understand.

It came to a head when SS's and DD all got their licenses around the same time. DH's father gave DH a set amount for each of SS's cars. I didn't know how much it was, didn't care. I had a set amount to purchase my DD a car. Whereas the SS's didn't spend a lot of time looking for good deals, I spent months searching and found an amazing deal but still paid about $1000 more than what SS's grandfather provided them. Of course, SS's were angry. DH felt stuck in the middle, and BM was pissed because "we" (excluding HER of course) didn't spend the same amount on all 3.

Bottom line -- don't feel badly. It is what it is, and there's no changing it. If you were receiving child support for YOUR CHILD, would she expect you to spread it equally between your kid and hers? As others said, life isn't fair. The only time it's fair is when it benefits YOU. It's not like your DW's child is living on the street, and I'm assuming there are still 2 parents involved with him?

I think your wife is greedy and entitled. There's nothing stopping her from getting a second or third job to fulfill her sick desire to keep things equal.

How is her son's dad paying in CS? Why can't she use that money to even things out instead of expecting/demanding you to fork over money for her kid?

A trust is for a specific person it is not household money. It is money set aside for a person.
This money has nothing to do with your current wife, or her son.
You sending DD to private school is a good start. I'm not saying you should spoil your kid, but I am saying that money could be well used for college and essential things too.
It's life...some people are rich and some people are poor - it just so happens you guys live in the same household.
Your DW sounds like a jealous, immature, woman.
I agree with notasm...

Was your BD living with you prior to her mother's passing? If not, was she doing these kind of things when she lived with her mother?

If she was living this standard of living with her mother and you are continuing it then I think that is the correct thing to do. If she wasn't do all these things prior, then I can understand why there is an issue now. If you are now doing more than was done before because there is additional money then the parenting of your daughter has changed and that might be what has brought this up. If it's the same, then I agree with everyone else that your wife and SS have to learn to live with the situation. Also, it might not be a bad idea to wait on larger items until your daughter is older.

My situation is a little similar in that I am in your wife's position. MY DH has made a lot of money for a long time, about 3x as much as me. His kids will have far more opportunities in life than mine will. His kids will be able to go to college. Mine may not. We share household expenses but none of his excess goes to our household. It goes to a large amount of child support and skids BM doesn't work at all. Does this bother me? Sure, but not because my son isn't getting any benefit from our marriage. It bothers me because BM doesn't provide anything for her own kids. I just take care of my own. DH is responsible for his. In a traditional marriage, you decide together how to spend all the money in the household. In our situations, it's different. Your wife needs to accept this or you are always going to have problems.

Ok, this is a hard one... but here is MO, when you and your wife got married I am assuming, she was not planning on having your daughter living with you guys full time, if after mom died, SD get a ton of money and this creates an issue of becoming spoiled or entitled, THEN I as a mom would have an issue, because I would like all kids to be raised the same way... NOW I mean spoiling the kid, like buying her expensive toys to have the other kid looking like poor kid on the window... But if it comes down to good education, a good car, extra classes, a BETTER LIFE, your wife does not have a saying... My ex husband is a soldier and we agreed that if he dies the kids get a trust, that they can access after college, I would also get a monthly check that covers "child support" so their quality of life wont change...That money goes to their care, ballet, clothes, soccer, you name it, not to my "family budget" or my "groceries" that is their money for their needs.

I think your wife is confusing two entirely separate issues.
1.) What should your BD get / be allowed to do.
2.) What should your SS get / be allowed to do.

The two are NOT related just because you and DW are married. They are NOT siblings, they do NOT have the same parents, they do NOT have the same people legally responsible for them. Just because Timmy Jones next door goes to Paris on vacation does NOT mean your SS gets to go. Just because your cousin buys a Lamborghini doesn't mean it's "not fair" if you don't get one too.

So, if BD is being "spoiled" and is starting to act out (maybe she's acting entitled, or rubbing it in SS's face) then that's an issue. And you deal with THAT issue by addressing her behavior - not by spoiling SS as well.

If SS is complaining that he "needs" all the things that someone else has (whether it's your BD or freaking Bill Gates), then you address HIS behavior and explain that "fair" does NOT mean "to your benefit" (despite what a lot of teens think) and he will receive exactly what his bio parents can afford that they decide he should have.

I understand why your wife is thinking the way she is - but she's wrong, IMHO. I don't think you'll be able to get her to ADMIT she's wrong though.

Here's an unconventional suggestion though - what if all four of you, as a family, volunteered at a local charity? (Or even not local - I know someone who took his daughters to build houses for destitute families in another country.) It gives you "family time", helps to illustrate how good you guys actually have it (including SS), and has the added benefit of helping others. I find it's much harder to complain "it's not fair" about money when you do things like that...

Even in a "real" family, things are never perfectly equal.

Like Rags mentioned, the first children often don't get as much as children born later on, because your earnings improve.

I have two daughters, age 16 and 9. My financial situation has recently changed and even if I tried, my two daughters are not going to get the exact same dollar amount for college.

Because we now live in a better school district, my youngest is getting opportunities that my eldest didn't get when she was in elementary school. My youngest gets to go on way more field trips than my eldest ever had at the elementary school she went to. But my eldest doesn't say her sister can't go on a field trip because she didn't get to go when she was in elementary school.

Your BD should not be kept from going on field trips just because her stepbrother isn't given the same opportunity. And if they go to different schools, how would you equalize that anyway? Other than keeping BD from going, which is what's really not fair in this situation.

It's nice your wife considers everyone a family, but even in families, things aren't always fair.

I'm sure you could find some examples either in your family or hers that shows things can never be exactly equal. Maybe she has a sibling that got more money for college, or her parents paid more for her wedding or vise versa? There should be an example you can find to help her understand.

My skids have a pqthetic and lazy mother but wealthy grand parents and I know they will inherit big sums one day. But I cant expect anything from their wealth nor am I interested to match it. The skids are so ill mannered that all that matters to me is having a well adjusted non entitled child. I have a very good job and will do my very best for my daughter. Gell your wife thqt life isnt fair and she should be grateful that your daughter is tqken care of so she can concentrate on her son rather than dividing the little you have with your daughter. I just hope my skids inherits millions and fuck off to space on a one way ticket.

...

Hmmmm.....

This is a tough call...I don't know how old your BD or SD are, what sort of vacations, where and how, etc.

Frankly, if she is blending into your new family arrangement because her BM died, which I AM sorry to hear, then she needs to do just that, blend in. You will be doing her no favours indulging and spoiling her or making her the odd one out in the entire household. Unless you are living in abject poverty with rice for all meals then there is nothing at all wrong in bringing up a child in a normal middle class life. If would be changing her school, unless logistically that was what is needed, I wouldn't curb school excursions that she would otherwise have gone on, but I certainly wouldn't be splashing extra cash. Save what you don't spend and give it back.

I feel differently from most on this problem. I really think it is a question of what you want in the long time.

My mother was married and had 1 child. Her first husband died and she married my Father who already had 2 children of which I am one of them. At the time of their union the oldest child was 6 years old. Although my brother was left a large inheritance, it was important to our parents that we should be bought up as equals. My mother felt that it was far richer for her son to have siblings than for us to feel a divide and that he was being treated differently. Children as we know do not understand the money side of things.

40 years on, we are all a very close family. There were absolutely no divide. I have a Mother not a Step Mother, I love her dearly. We are extremely close to our brother who we have no biological connection to. In fact only a few days ago, I was extremely offended when I had an argument with my brother and a friend told me 'never mind, he is not really your brother' I had to correct that friend immediately.

I believe that at some point my brother got his inheritance and I think that my parents made sure throughout our childhood funds were given to him for extra hobbies or something, however it was never glaring, we never noticed. At 21 he was in a position to buy a property cash down. But we never felt resentful. In fact we have had some serious happy memories in his house as teenagers. We understood it was money from his late father and we were at an age where it made sense. He has always been very kind and loving.

I am now with great difficulty trying to blend my family and find myself on this site. I had to ask my Mother how she did it so well. She told me it started from the children. We had to make the children comfortable, secure and let them know that we loved all of them equally. Any sign of a crack or differences would not only jeopardize our family, and bought resentment amongst the children. She said it was far more important for her, that her son had siblings that loved him and money later, than to be an only child with money.

My father died 2 years ago. Although 50% went to my Mother and the remainder was divided amongst 4 children (my parents had one child).

I really do think it is a question of how it is done and what you want in terms family goals.