Third Grade Homework
Part of my schedule with my SO is that I'll spend two day per week when he has both kids and one day when he's just got his son.
I went over there last night and he informs me that he has to go to his friend's house to get some paperwork signed. I'm very against errands during the week. The kids homework takes long enough as it is without schlepping them to the grocery store or off to your friend's house. So when I got there I asked him if their homework was done. Of course not. So I said, "Well I'll stay here with your S8 to get homework done if your errand really can't wait" and he left with his daughter for 90 minutes.
I was so annoyed. I don't mind helping but sometimes when I'm there, he views it as a time to get a break for himself and dump his responsibilities on me. I don't enjoy doing third grade homework for 2 hours on a Wednesday night.
Have any of you single ladies experienced this when you're dating someone with kids? I don't know if he's trying to break me in or just get a break for himself but I'm not into it.
Welcome! RED FLAG ALERT!
Welcome!
RED FLAG ALERT! Sounds like he's looking for HELP and not LOVE!
Most of these "single dads" want:
1. someone to be their nanny
2. someone to be their maid
3. someone who will help out financially with their "first" family (child support often impoverishes)
4. someone who will do their paperwork, financial, legal and otherwise
5. someone who will be chauffeur, cook and laundress.
6. someones who will take the blame, abuse and anger of their ex (and theirs)
LOL...I would imagine that
LOL...I would imagine that all single dads could use some help. I don't think needing help means that you're not looking for love.
I'm very loved and appreciated but he's a single dad who could use some help. I don't think they're mutually exclusive. He loved his family and hated that he couldn't make it work. He wants a stable happy family.
I just don't like doing homework when I get home from work.
Wait, wait...weren't you the
Wait, wait...weren't you the one to offer to stay home with his kid? So how can you be mad at him...? (And why are you keeping up with his kids homework?)
If I were you this is how I would handle it next time....
SO: I have to go run an errand.
YOU: Ok, you all have fun. I will be here when yall get back.
OR
YOU: Ok...well then I am going home since you will not be here.
I guess she's complaining
I guess she's complaining because she likes the guy but wishes he was a half-way decent partner and parent? So she's taking over and then not liking how much work it is to parent kids that aren't hers without the support from the dad?
OP, you are correct, better to focus on the kids and what they need - errands can wait until the weekend or until the kids are with the other parent.
But you made up a rule, and he doesn't agree. So in order to enforce said rule, you get to do stuff you don't like (spend time on homework with his kid) while he does what he wants.
You're not coming out ahead on this one.
Yep, THIS. Kudos to you for
Yep, THIS.
Kudos to you for caring about the kid's homework, but take this to heart - You cannot care more about the skid's well being, schoolwork, or anything else than their actual biological parents do.
If Dad figures his errand is more important than his son completing his homework, let him screw up (or not) as he pleases. Do NOT offer extra help because you want to prioritize the kid. Making his homework your priority when it's not Dad's is crazy-making, and not good for your relationship. (You end up angry and resentful - as you just discovered.)
You are 100% right Willow. I
You are 100% right Willow. I offered. I do stuff like that all the time...it's really something that I need to stop. I didn't want his son out late on a school night because I know the kids have plenty of homework to do and it's hard enough getting it all done before bedtime.
He really did need to get this paperwork signed. Last night was the only time he had to do it. He was very appreciative that I helped his son.
I just hate doing homework with kids. It sucks.
There great thing about not
There great thing about not living with this guy, is that you have complete control of how/when/if you will interact with his kids.
You are allowing him to take advantage you. You have the power to end it.
but sometimes when I'm there,
but sometimes when I'm there, he views it as a time to get a break for himself and dump his responsibilities on me
This is different than a single dad wanting some help, this is him wanting/expecting you to do it for him. Helping him means he is there, also, doing what he can, not off doing other things.
"I just hate doing homework
"I just hate doing homework with kids. It sucks." Then stop doing it. :? Those aren't you're children. You are not the one responsible for them or their homework.
Yep. I'm honestly sort of
Yep. I'm honestly sort of perplexed by your post, OP. You offered to do something you dislike... and then got angry at DH for.... accepting your offer? You're kind of doing this to yourself, why are you doing that?
He's giving you a glimpse of
He's giving you a glimpse of what life with him will be like.
Guess what? It only gets worse.
My feelings aren't always
My feelings aren't always rational. Yes, I know I don't have to help with homework but I can help so I did. I didn't enjoy it but it needed to get done so I helped. I was annoyed that SO didn't do what I thought he should do but that's my problem. Just because my SO doesn't do things the way I think he should doesn't mean he doesn't care about his kids. He definitely cares more about them than I do but I was raised a little differently. My mom was a teacher and very strict about school.
I'm sure he feels guilty about his divorce but he's no Disney dad. He spoils his kids at times but they're not spoiled and don't get rewarded for bad behavior. I probably spoil them more than he does but I'm getting past that.
How can I share a life with someone if I'm completely unwilling to help with things that are important to them? He helps me when I need it. I wish I could be more gracious but that's not really my nature so I come here to bitch about stuff like homework.
I don't think I'm being naive about what's going on.
There must be people on this forum somewhere in between The Brady Bunch and total disengagement/dump him he's the devil. Where are you??
Well, you have to own how
Well, you have to own how your post came across, don't you?
There are lots of stepparents who are very engaged and lots who are as disengaged as possible, and lots more who fit somewhere in between.
I'd personally suggest you be very careful about "How can I share a life with someone if I'm completely unwilling to help with things that are important to them?"
You insisted on doing homework with skid when their dad had made it clear he didn't see the homework as important. So you FORCED yourself and skid to do homework together (not helping) while knowing dad didn't care (not important). And then you bitched about it... and THEN you got all huffy because you got advice that said - if it's giving you a headache, don't do it!
Look, you're going to do what you want to do. But if you want to bang your head against a brick wall and get all pissed off about it, there's only so many times you're going to get compassion and advice to move to the side.
THIS THIS THIS You are the
THIS THIS THIS
You are the one creating the issues you are complaining about.
It's possible to the be there there for you SO and have a great relationship without taking over the parenting role. I live with my DF, and I do not do any parenting for him. His kids are well behaved, respectful and we get along great and I still refuse to play mommy.
In 5 years,I've helped with homework ONCE and I'm a teacher. I've watched his kids for him TWICE. I rarely cook for them when they are with us(they are not picky eaters) and I do not clean up behind them.
When it comes to stepkid stuff, I decide what I will or will not do.
What you described is my
What you described is my ideal situation...I think. Your DF is happy with your arrangement?
I wouldn't say I'm banging my
I wouldn't say I'm banging my head against the wall...I hope I'm not that thick.
Do you behave like a step mom if you hope to be a step mom in the near future or do you behave like a girlfriend and keep some distance? My SO wants my input and he wants me to be more involved. I'm trying to figure out what's comfortable for me. Clearly what went down the other night isn't going to work so I need a different approach.
Someone mentioned that I was overstepping my boundaries and being controlling which I have to agree with.
So I'm going to try something different...I'm still not sure what that is.
There wasn't really any
There wasn't really any drama...I was annoyed but there wasn't a fight or anything. I never really thought of myself as controlling but I think I'm being controlling...yikes.
It feels a little bit out of control to date someone with children when decisions are made that affect you without your input or consent. I know that I can leave but we do have a really good relationship and I'm trying to figure out what's appropriate as the girlfriend of a F/T dad.
Now I'm thinking back and realizing that I'm quite controlling and opinionated. I think I tend to think that my way is best. LOL.
Well...I'm going to step back. His kids...his choices. If he asks for help, I'll give it but I will try really hard not to impose my will.
Thanks for the insight tommar.
Ok, I'm sure on this thread
Ok, I'm sure on this thread you'd wish I'd shut up. But I'm really a very nice person and I can see you putting things together in a way that is going to give you a lot of frustration.
You're obviously not thick, as in stupid, but you are thick, as in you have your view on things and are quite stubborn about it. Only you don't know you're stubborn about it because you don't see some choice points as clearly as some of us... who sadly have walked into the briar patch ourselves.
Just reading your comment here, you make some statements I hope you think twice about.
1. You feel out of control because decisions that affect you are being made without your input or consent.
*This should be things like what's for dinner. Nothing that affects your relationship, time, your wallet, or your happiness.
2. We do have a really good relationship.
*See point 1.
The things that don't work for you are major if you feel out of control. It's worth it to find out what those things are and to find out if adjustments/adaptations can be made so you do feel in control.
I'm an opinionated control freak myself, so I know how challenging all of this can be. For me it helped to really start working on saying NO to a lot. I had no idea I had so many *shoulds* in my life... and it was actually hard at first to figure out what I actually really wanted. But it helped me cut back on some resentment I let build up - about feeling like I did a lot but wasn't appreciated. Now I do what I think is necessary for my own happiness, and if I have the time, energy and interest, I do for others too. Since I'm so nice, I do lots for others but that's still about 5% of what I used to do!!
He wanted me to go with him.
He wanted me to go with him. We were all going to go but I knew that it would take at least an hour and then he'd be up with his son doing homework all night. He has his kids all the time so if I don't go to his house when he has them, we'd never see each other. If the kids are done with homework on time then they're in bed by 9 and we have a little alone time before we go to bed...so I helped because I wanted them in bed by nine.
moeilijk...I appreciate your
moeilijk...I appreciate your advice. I am thick...skinned.
SO has his son F/T now...that's the out of control I was talking about. I don't feel out of control...I just don't have control over the custody of his kids. I have no expectations of being included in any custody decisions...but I do miss our free weeks together.
I am frustrated sometimes but if I'm causing my own frustrations, that's a good thing because that's something I can change.