making peace with 19yr old step son
Hi everyone,
I'm new to this forum and this whole website and have read many of your posts.It's a relief to know that I'm not the only person in the world going through "step" issues. Sometimes, it's a lonely feeling to trying to deal with all the issues that that seem to evolve, even with the best intentions.
So, here goes,I'm going to share my story and would love some advice on how to deal with my situation. In short, I was with my fiance for nearly 10years, I am now 37, he is 44. We don't have our own children yet, but I really want to start a family very soon. we have lived together since 2008 to present. His son, who is now age nearly 20 in Novemeber, came to live with us unexpectedly at age 13 and a half yrs old. Bio mother suffers from metal illness and an unstable home environment, so she couldn't effectively take care of her son, so my fiance stepped in a took full custody of his son back in 2008. It was a major change for me as we had only been living together for not even 6months when this boy came to live with us. Things started out ok, but then over the years we seemed to have the usual step family problems, parenting and discipline issues, loyalty issues, I didn't know where I stood in the relationship. I was expected to take on the "motherly" or "wifey" role, but of course I had not rights or say when it came to other things. Having a teenage boy live with us on a full time basis really caused issues in the relationship with my fiance. I love my fiance very much and want a future and child of my own with him.
Fast forward to now...so in May of this year, my fiance broke up with me and it was the most devastating and heartbreaking pain I have ever experienced. Basically, he broke up with me because of how "I didn't get along with his son" , and the constant arguments/conflict in the home. Just so you guys know, I am a good woman, I come from a good family, I have good morals and values, and I know the difference between right and wrong. and I only wanted the very best for my step son and I guess sometimes my lack of skills on how to handle certain situation, as well as my fiances lack of skills on how to deal with our situation became bigger than us. And 10years on we wound up breaking up.In the time we have been broken up, step son got sick and ended up in hospital and wound up living back with his mother as he recovered from his illness.
My fiance and I are now trying to work through our issues, seeing a counselor and trying to move forward with our life. Together, we are two people that love eachother and both of us are good people. The counseling is slowly helping us sort through our issues, however, the only issue that we really have is the issue with his son. His son is overall a good kid, he's lazy though, not overly caring and he has been "spoon fed" by his dad, who I believe has major guilt issues, which caused alot of our issues in the home, because, he was more like his son's "friend" , than a "parent" and I often felt unsupported from my fiance in certain things.
I have taken complete responsibility for my behavior, actions etc, that hurt his son and I have owned them completely, not made any excuses for it.I want to make peace with his son and have an adult relationship and some type of friendship with him. But, he never comes home anymore and is virtually living at his mothers. My fiance now feels that by choosing me, he is losing his son, because his son won't come home as knows I am back in his dad's life again. Now, my fiance feels as though his own son has abandoned him.
I don't know what too do as I love my fiance and want to marry him and start our life together, but I also know that my fiance resents me for things I said to his son in arguments., conflict etc.
I have tried to connect with this boy, I sent him a get well card when he was in hospital, I have tried to call him a few times to talk with him, and I have sent him a text message to ask him if we can have a talk. I have apologized for any hurt I have caused him and I am truly sorry for anything I said in the past (which were things that were said in the heat of the moment). He hasn't responded. Please note, that I was never verbally or physically abusive. It was just the usual stuff that goes on and is said, "you're lazy" or "get a job", or doing chores around the home..etc
His bio mother lives on welfare and a disability pension and doesn't work o as she has mental health issues. I would sometimes say things like " in this home, we all contribute, we work for a living, we don't rely on the pension card"...anyway you know the drill...step son was greatly offended when I spoke like that as I was indirectly relating to his mother"....that sort of stuff...
I don't know what else to do. Have any of you ever been in this situation and how did you find a resolution and move forward with the man you love, even if the child (in my case, really a young adult)wasn't so keen that you were with there parent.
My fiance has told me that he loves me, and he wants a future with me, but this step son issue is problem. In some ways, I sometimes feel as though that step son is doing this on purpose, to make my fiance feel so guilty for choosing to get back with me.
Any feedback would be greatly appreciated 
This will be hard to hear but
This will be hard to hear but after ten years of your life being on hold because of your relationship with this man, you need to wake up and smell the coffee. When you met him you were prime childbearing years. Now you will be considered a high risk mother if you start. What did you get for that sacrifice?
Starting a marriage with a back story of unresolved resentment is like trying to light a match under a waterfall. Your spark will be doused before it has a chance.
And after ten years, your man has not found a compelling reason to get you in front of a justice of the peace. There is not enough fuel in his tank to go the distance with you.
Cut bait. Learn your lessons. Move on and find a man who wants you NOW. They are out there.
Yes, I understand what you're
Yes, I understand what you're saying. But I love this man with all my heart. Also, I have plenty of friends that are older mothers. We do love each other, and he wanted to marry me for a long time. I was the one caught up worrying more about his sons messy room, rather than focusing on myself and my man and my life. And now, I have found myself in this situation. I was a fool for not thinking about myself, instead I worried about other crap. I have learnt my lesson, but not prepared to lose the man I love.
Thanks for your thoughts though.
So he was eager to set a date
So he was eager to set a date but you were the one who held back? And didn't you already lose him once, at his instigation?
Yes, he wanted to set a date
Yes, he wanted to set a date and get married, and he asked me many times, and I was the one who was caught up doing other things. I always wanted to marry him and I have always loved him. I have learnt alot about what is important in our time apart, and losing him has been the biggest wake up call for me. He is a beautiful man, and we've been through alot together. I know he loves me, and I truly would like to connect with my step son, talk things through and move forward. I just don't know how to do it? I need to repair that relationship, or at least have a adult relationship with this young man.
Well, then, get your stepson
Well, then, get your stepson out of your relationship. A marriage is between two adults, not three. You join together promising to solve life's problems together. Stepson doesn't have to give his permission or approval. Wander around the Adult Stepchildren forum for awhile. You will learn that it may be perfectly impossible to repair the relationship with this young man. Or if it does get better, it may take years. So my advice is to move on with your life before you find yourself in yet another obstetrical category, "looking to hire surrogate."
If you're both that convinced you are it for each other, you face life together, not wait on a fence at the same time for years to come.
Sounds like you've got lots
Sounds like you've got lots of experience in this area. Yeah, I've read here of stories on here. You're right, marriage is between two people, for sure. I guess, all I can do is accept my relationship with his son may never be perfect. I just hope my fiance can look past that and understand that his son has many years of growing up to do, which I think he does.
Thanks for the input.
"I was the one caught up
"I was the one caught up worrying more about his [son], rather than focusing on myself and my man and my life."
Pssst. You're still doing this.
You really only have 2 options. One is to leave, and honestly I think that's what you should do. It's been 10 years, and you haven't committed to this man. That tells me that he's not the right guy for you, no matter how much you love him.
The other option is to stop postponing and just marry him. Stop waiting to "make peace" with his son, stop thinking about his son at all in terms of your relationship. I, personally, don't think "love" is enough to make a relationship work, but if you're unwilling to get off the pot then it's time to... well. You know the saying.
I would be very hesitant to
I would be very hesitant to re-engage with a man who booted you for his manipulative adult son. Why would you invest any more time than the 10 years you already have with this man?
What concerns me the most is that you seem to be blaming yourself for this situation. At most you are 1/3 of the cause. But, I doubt you are even that much of the cause. This man ended it with you. Accept that as the great gift that it is. My XW gave me the greatest gift that marriage by leaving me. I would have moved heaven and earth to safe that marriage when my XW was cheating and manipulating the whole time. Learn from this relationship as I did from my first marriage. Move on to reconnect with the person you like being and that YOU have value for. When you value yourself the next partner will be worthy of you, make you their priority, and will make a life with you that will not include the drama and pain that you have suffered for the past years.
Move on. You are young and have plenty of time to make a life for yourself far form this drama train wreck that your SO lives.
Just my thoughts of course.
Good luck.
You related what you said to
You related what you said to SS but did not specifically mention if he had said or did something that hurt you. In many cases when people are attacked they attack back. So what precipitated the argument? You have apologized to SS. If the apology was personally delivered, genuine and you did not make the same mistake again, you should both be able to be tolerable of each other and move on. Let's be honest - you attacked of his character and his mother's instead of his behavior. As Stepaside wrote, it takes time to heal. If you want to stay with DH assure him that you will not do this again - as long as he assures you that you will get the respect you deserve as his partner.
In my opinion though, I agree with Rags. Your DH clearly is placing his son as his main priority, not you. This needs to change before there is any commitment to marriage.
Stop chasing the stepson.
Stop chasing the stepson. Stop with the cards and the text messages and the apologies. It doesn't matter if the stepson likes you or not. What DOES matter is that he treats you with respect, and that your fiance demands that respect. Stepson can have a relationship with you, or not. You sure can't force it. All the chasing and "trying" is just making it worse. That now-adult should be THANKING YOU for your role in helping to provide him a stable, healthy home, and he should be apologizing to YOU for being a lazy-ass teenager (aren't they all?). Instead it sounds like he just resents the hell out of you. That is messed up.
What do you and your fiance need to have a healthy and stable relationship? Your stepson has no part in that. Seriously. None. Your fiance has a relationship with his son, yes, and your only role there is to support your fiance in that relationship. But that doesn't mean YOU have to have a relationship with the son. There are certainly things to work out there.
Honestly? If you have been with this man for 10 years and the son is still such a major issue, then I don't think there is much hope. Your fiance certainly hasn't changed anything about his own behavior it seems, and it seems like it is all up to you to make whatever changes need to be made in order to mollify the son. That's nuts.
I also married a guilty daddy with a teenage son at the time. It is not fun, but I'll be damned if my stepkids are going to have any influence on how I manage my relationship with my husband. They do NOT get a vote. DH and I have been through some rough times over our kids, but we have learned to put marriage first and to expect our grown kids to act like dang grownups. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't.