If I were you, I would try and stick it out to see if your girlfriend will get the problem. Try and talk with your girlfriend about your concerns. But hold off on the ring until you see if she will listen.

You actually have it pretty good compared to a lot of people here...lol. Lots of people on here have to deal with so much drama between the bioparents, plus spoiled and bratty kids.

It sounds to me that you and your GF have a good relationship.... when SS is NOT there. I guess you have to decide if you can deal with another 12 years (or so) of your weeks WITH SS. I would also keep in the back of your mind that there will always be the possibilty over those next 12 years that SS may come to live with you full-time. Would this be something that you could handle?

I agree that you are in a tough spot, 6 can be a difficult age for any child, much less one with ADHD. Maybe he'll grow out of his bad behaviors? Maybe he will get worse? These are times that a crystal ball would come in handy!

I guess you have to really listen to your heart and your gut and decide what you can or can not live with. Good luck to you, hope you are able find happiness in your decision!

The fact that you have called him " a spoiled little brat" }:) would be enough for me to think twice, or more about marriage and the time span that you will be with this kid.

Remember, it's a package deal. I doubt the kid will ever go anywhere.

Best of luck,

When dh and I dated I had no kids and he had a 5yo son. When we were more serious I told him i he wants me to be a part of his son's life then he would have to let me discipline him as needed. It was no different than if I were babysitting my godkids and had to get after them. I also told him here would be rules if we were to marry and it would be the same rules I'd want if I had kids. I would say those things HAVE to be in place first. You prob need to have a heart to heart with her about what she expects from you as far as her son is concerned and what you expect from them. Then if hints change maybe consider marriage. If she doesn't change or her expectations are different from yours then maybe this isn't the situation for you. I also wouldn't base my relationship on the times when the kid is away. It needs to be based on the times WITH ss too. Get on here and read some problems about older skids. If the ADHD at 6 is already problematic, what about when the kid is 10? 16? Could you handle if his ADHD got worse? Write down all your questions and concerns and talk to your gf.

Wantthetruth I am contemplating this too with my BF. Been with him 3 years and still "deciding" if he is the man I want to spend my life with. It is a struggle that is for sure!

Me too! I love Arizona, If My SO and I don't make it I will be looking for a whole other scenario. I love kids
I have a grown/successful child and 3 wonderful godchildren whom I love and like to spend time with. I thought dating someone who had kids would be easy...HA!HA!HA! You never know what something is like until you are in it.

Skids are a whole other thing...they come with the EX and the drama is off the charts.

Tought spot-a special needs child is a VERY hard task-even on parents...which is why I want to ask. Do you know the reason her and her ex split up to begin with? Was it related to the stresses of a special needs child? THAT itself would tell you a lot-if two bio parents can't take the additional pressure of the child w/needs like that and you already know that both bio parents have unconditional love for the kid and will to stick together more then step-families often...so that would be pretty telling right there.

ON THE good side-a good parenting relationship w/them is half the battle-that's an awesome thing~

I LOVE my bf dearly-He is the greatest person to me-our time together just us or just us and my boys we are wonderful togehter-add his D in the mix it changes a LOT and we both become full of doubt...and she just has behavioral problems-not special needs....I don't know personally if I could take something like that on-even if I loved them. THat's not to say it's doomed though.

A big concern is that she's not willing to even consider what you are saying and gets defensive-which is normal-but eventually when you make a point-after the initial rise up they let it sink in and make changes...but if she's dismissing you alltogether blaming it on you not being the dad? Not a good sign.

My first thought is to tell you to find someone else. This kid isn't going away for at least another 12 years. It will never change with her telling you you're hard on him blah blah blah.

If I had it to do over again, I would not get with a man with kids. It has been too painful and messed up. It's been 10 years and the wounds are as deep as they ever were. We're now looking at a future of hostility with dh's kids. It's not the dream life I had hoped for.

I love DH, but this relationship is not what I ever wanted, and because of the skids it is so much less.

Its just an opinion, you do what makes you happy.

I can relate, I am in a similar situation but we are married. You're young, find someone else without kids.

In short, I would say no. Don't do it. Save yourself. If you're on this forum and asking if you should, then there is an inner voice that is telling you "YOU ARE NOT HAPPY. THIS SUCKS. RUN!"

Buy the ring ... but only if you give your GF clarity that you WILL be an equity parent and disciplinarian to SS-6 when he is in your home and your presence.

Only if you tell her that you will discipline if she does not and that if she does not like how and when you do it she had better step up and get it done before you have to.

Only if you tell her that you are not hard on SS-6 but that you demand age appropriate behavior, respect for adults and adherence to house rules and generally accepted principles of people treatment from him. Special needs or not these are required behaviors from SS or there will be consequences.

I would not be in a marriage that I was not an equity partner to my spouse and equity parent to any child in the blended family whether my BioKid or not.

Buy the ring if you love her, care for the Skid, communicate the above requirements to your SO and are ready for periodic blended family and Skid related drama.

Welcome to S-Talk by the way.

I hope you find it a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful advice from others who are living the blended family dream.

Best regards,

i would say:

RUN RUN RUN as fast as you can.... you're only 25, seriously do you think this will work out in the long run?? short run for that matter.

By what you have told us, if you marry this older woman YOU will NEVER win. NEVER. Now that you have been warned don't ever say you didn't know.

You deserve to be commended! You are so wise to inquire about this! Please do us all a favor and marry a girl who has never had children. I got married for the 1st time (never had kids of my own) at 40 thinking "Oh, I've never had kids of my own - it will be different and DIFFERENT IT WAS!

not sure how old this post is. MY two kids are not ADHD but can be like all children tantrum etc. the other side of my coin is my fiance' has a child of his own. We both share custody with our exs and like you have the same GREAT relationship when kids are not there to stress it.

my thoughts are and they are thoughts alone:

You need to take a step back. and think. this child WILL grow up, and will change, for the better I'm sure once he can get more control of his condition. ADHD is no joke ( I do know a child with that problem personally) and is very stressful.

But let me tell you this from a females perspective. This is life. What if, you leave her, get married to some GREAT wonderful girl same thing WONDERFUL loving relationship etc..and you two decide to have a child and wow whoops he/she has ADHD. are you going to leave her too?

just my thoughts. I think you should give it a shot and be a stepdad. be the best damn stepdad you can be. because I'll tell you something, all kids are "trying" all kids push buttons and yes, some of them (even our own) are brats and spoiled acting.

again. just my thoughts please do not take me as being harsh. just forward. good luck to you!

Wantthetruth...here it is. You're walking into a permanent situation where this boy is going to be a life long challenge.

Life is so limited, really, you've got so much time and then it's over. Do you want this tremendous challenge for the rest of your life? Is the love for this woman worth the sacrifice of sanity? Because that kid has the potential to absolutely drive you nuts and make your marriage a hell.

Reread all the words you used to describe that boy. Then know for sure, that will define you life in this marriage.

You're starting out with these feelings....I believe, and it's my opinion, the boy will only become more demanding and possibly bullying. Then you'll be dealing with teachers, neighbors...etc. Are you ready for that?

You're in a bad way. You love the girl, you hate the situation.

From my experience with kids that don't have special needs........I'd tell you to RUN!!!!!!

Please, keep reading what people write in here. Step parenting is so difficult and it can really damage your spirit emotionally and physically. Don't be one of us.

Oh..and good luck...you really sound like a kind young man.

I'm sure there's a wonderful young lady somewhere out there just waiting for someone special (like you) to enter into her life!

Do what you think is right, but beware, the "spoiled brat" at 6 will become a "spoiled brat" at 20, and a child is never out of the parents life. You and your girlfriend need to sit down and talk about this if you feel that there is a chance of marriage in the future.

As the previous posters said, you are very young yet, and have many more opportunities to build a life for yourself. Good luck!

Hello everyone,

I know this post is a few years old but i wonder what happened to Wantthetruth(the guy who created this topic)? I am, or better said, I was in the same situation of him. I am 25 years old and I dated a 29 years old mom of two 2 kids(7 and 10). One of them is autistic.

Long story short, I fell in love of this woman and I proposed to her. She said yes but then she didnt want to move out of state with me and then she broke up with me. Its been 3 1/2 months since the last time I saw her and i still cant get her out of my mind. I cant concentrate in school and I was planning on calling her but i am still doubting its a good idea. I am an electrical engineer doing my masters in a top ten univ. and I do think i have and will have a stable & bright future. Before she broke up with me, i told her, i would pay her school and she wouldnt have to work once she moves with me but still she said that she doenst wnat to move cause of her kids and her family. I even told her we woudl move back to her city after my grad school and she didnt want that either.

This breakup severely affected me. I have been seen counselors for the last 2 months and tears come down my eyes from time to time. I am trying to be optimistic but that emptiness I/she created in my heart when she left, makes me miss her a lot everyday.

I was planning on writing/calling to her and see if we can give it one more try. but then i keep thinking this really is not gonna work out cause if she would love me as much as i do, she would have at least ask me how i am doing or check if i am still alive. But she hasn't. I contacted her after 1 month of our break up but she said she is devoted to God now and that she is happy now following the 10 commandments. She changed from one day to another. she was loving and caring, we were so in love but i dont know what happened. i guess guys dating single moms will alwasy be one of her last priorities.

I am wondering if the relationship of the person who created this post work out in the end or not? I read there is a 75 % probability of getting a divorce once you marry a single mom. I guess this number increases if the child has problems as well.

I hope be able to get rid of this feeling i have for her. i know for sure if she would call me to give it one more try, i would say yes to her but i know she will not do that. Any other problems you guys might see if i reconnect with my ex again ? and maybe if a form a family with her?

Thank you all.

You don't marry someone hoping it will get better...that is a recipe for divorce. You get married because you accept the person as they are and are willing to put in the work to make the marriage last. At 25 you will NEVER win against a BM and her 40yo ex when it comes to parenting decisions. If you two aren't on the same page now, and she's on the same page with her ex...they will NEVER be on the same page with you.

You're young. There are plenty of single and child free women your age. Grab one of them and make a go of it.

Thank you Rags, ChickieDee and all the people that commented on my post. I really appreciate it. They came really handy when dealing with this situation. I read them all as soon as they were posted.
I have been doing better than 2 months ago. I know should man up and move on but this is really hard. But I have been trying to do so. School and research has kept me extremely busy and the little free time I have invested it in the gym and in salsa dancing classes.

I have went out on dates but it is not the same. I guess I am not ready for that yet or maybe its just that I have not found the one that will get my full attention again.

Mobility is definitely a problem. and although she is not in my life anymore, I still want to be with her so bad. don't know why exactly I still want to do so. like some of you mentioned before, I can easily find a childless younger woman out there. The problem with that is that, the ones I have found they have not sparked that magical feeling in me again. My ex did though!! till the point I ended up proposing. To be honest I never wanted or expected to do such a thing at this age.

I dont know how I am still capable of overlooking all those "little things" she comes with (debt, no degree yet, children, ex, etc). It is not even the sex, since it was jsut ok in the last few months (i got really busy with school and we didnt have enough time for that). In the end, she said she will celibate until she gets marry. I do trust her but its hard to believe it.

At least i have not cried anymore. A few weeks ago, I could not resit the temptation on writing to her. and so i did it. I jsut said that I love her and that I hope everything is ok with her and her kids. She was also happy to hear from me. She said she also loves me and misses me a lot. I told her that I ll be graduating in the next 4 months and then I will move to another state to start my professional life. And then, I asked her again if she wants to be together again. She said that she wants to "but" she does not want to move.

aND there I was again, sad and just thinking on her. A few days later, I felt better, and this feeling lasted like for 2 weeks until this past weekend when started thinking on her 24/7 again.

I guess this is a normal process. She still texts me from time to time and she tells me that she loves me and then she wishes me a good day. I guess that s why I am felling like that now. I/we created some hope ! we might think (or at least I now think) that we might get to be together soon. however, a lot has to happen for that to occur.

I know dealing with an mild autistic child its hard. I cannot even imagine how problematic that might be for me. I know I will have to pay everything for her and her 2 kids (that includes her school, gifts and trips for everyone, and just pay everything in general), I know we might not have sex again until we get marry (cause of her promise to God), i know she/we will have to get into child custody issues, i know her autistic child might never leave home, I know those kids are becoming teenagers and at some point they will yell at me "you are not my dad," BUT i still want to be with her and have a family with her. I TRULY CANNOT UNDERSTAND WHY I would still want to be with her. But I DO.

We have not talked on the phone yet but the other day she wanted to do so. Based on the way she texted me, it seemed like she wanted to tell me that although she loves me, she doesnt want to move and that our relation is over and it will stay like that. SO i decided not to talk to her on the phone.

on this or next week, i know we will start messaging again and clarify everything one more time.

falling for someone its really hard, its been 5 months since last time i Saw her and i still pray for her everyday. I still dream with her, and still think on her. And its not like I feel alone, cause that's not the case. I do have some friends that want to be more than that with me but I am just not interested on them.

I have hope this feeling will completely go away soon. I just have to accept thats this is over (with no hope we will be back after i graduate in 5 months) and move on.

Thank u guys for reading my post and for your advice.

Any comments and suggestions are welcomed.

Shanto,

Welcome back and thanks for the update. You are moving on. That is good. However, what you are feeling regarding your XGF that "sparked that magical feeling in me again" is just hormones. Truly, it is. Biology, nothing more, nothing less. As much as you may hope it to be love, she does no love you. Love is action not that tingly magical feeling.

Action grows the feelings. Anyone who claims the feelings yet takes none of the actions or love is either completely out of touch with the real world or is a manipulator. I vote manipulator when it comes to your XGF. She wants the gravy train graduate degreed professional and she wants you were SHE wants you to be not where you must be to pursue your career.

Forecast: If you stay and try to make a go of it with her she will divorce you and take half because you cannot be the catch that she wants where she wants to live. Life is not a static event, it does not occur for the majority of people in a static place in this day and age.

My bride was more than willing to uproot her partner track CPA career in support of my career which has always been the primary career not because hers is less important than mine but because mobility for me to access opportunity was what has been best for our family. I have no bio spawn. Our family is my bride, our kid (my Skid) and I. Her career is far more portable than mine and she can do what she does just about anywhere.

If this woman is not willing to partner with you and only wants you to partner with her …. she is not THE one.

When my XW divorced me (she had a cavern crotch whore skank problem) I struggled to move on. But I did. That process took 3 years for me to work through. I dated. Not for any other reason than for some companionship, and the company of the fairer gender in my life. For a couple of years I did not date life partner material women. I dated women that I could enjoy the company of for a while but no one who I was comfortable introducing to my parents. When I was receptive and ready for the existence of THE one…. I met 4 of them. All within a few weeks of each other. They all “sparked that magical feeling again” and again, and again, and again. But, one stood out.

Invest in you, be the Shanko you most like being. When you are ready, they will seemingly come storming out of the woodwork in relative mass. The Salsa thing is a good move. Part of why I had so much fun between divorce and meeting my incredible equity life partner bride was dancing. Ladies like a man who can dance and move with confidence, grace, and style.

Good move on the salsa.

Take care of yourself and quit re-engaging. Rags’ three day rule is an incontrovertible law of relationship physics. A break up only hurts the worst for about 3 days. Then each day after that it hurts just a bit less until eventually in the not all that distant future it no longer hurts at all and is at most an occasional unpleasant memory. Here is the caveat … if you re-engage even with a letter, text, phone call, or any other contact. …. The whole process resets and starts over. For me post divorce that process took a total of 3 years. The grieving cycle as defined by the Psych pros is a 2-4 year process for most people who experience a significant loss. A failed relationship is no less a significant loss than the death of a loved one. Just different. Rags’ Three Day Rule/Incontrovertible Law of Relationship Physics may sound like complete bullshit. Hey, I am a graduate degreed engineer so it is definitely mostly complete bullshit grounded in my analytical observations of my own life experience.

So, knock this crap off of contacting her when she has proven repeatedly that she is not willing to take the actions of love and be your equity life partner. Quit breaking your own heart by re-engaging and resetting Rags’ three day rule.

Dude, you are a graduate research guy. Use your head. The big one. On your shoulders. It may not tingle but it sure does make far better decisions than the tingly one.

My XW chose to be abstinent until we married much like your hopefully permanent XGF is claiming. I respected that. However, what reality was is that she kept that vow until we married and then mostly kept it within the context of our marriage once we did marry. She was shopping the pooty to the available community pretty hard after we married and was utilizing her cavernous crotch very liberally everywhere but home for the 2.5 years we were married. I put her through school, I actually even wrote every paper she turned in for the last 3 years of her BSRN. When she walked out of marriage counseling and out of our home unbeknownst to me she was pregnant. Not mine of course. We had not been intimate for more than 8mos. Apparently giving sponge baths to geriatric patients during your surgical rotation in nursing school grows some major bond that breaks up a marriage.

Yet…. I loved her. Or what I thought was love. It was not even close. Once I found love, a love that had both of us gladly doing everything possible to support the other, etc…. it became completely clear that what I had with my XW was nothing but hormones.

Invest in yourself. THE one will find you when you are ready and there will be no pain, no heartache, just amazing love that is nurtured by the actions of love taken by both of you. And the sex … holy fireworks, earth shattering, super nova, soul wrenching, energy draining, religious experience, tantric nirvana!!!!

20 years dude. Ebbs, flows, but always incredible. And the fights and arguments? Definitely passionate though effective and even in disagreement we are a team.

When you find each other there will be no conflict of moving or not, there will just be a comfortable togetherness and you will both go in the same direction happily and excited about the adventure together.

Okay, I surrender my soap box. Congrats on graduation in 4mos.